Why It's Never Dear Santa's Elves

By the Emperor's Sister

Part 3:

Lina Inverse was annoyed. Which normally isn't anything new, but take into account her aching back, her inability to get her plates close without knocking them off the table via her new bust size, and the fact that every male, and a few females, wouldn't stop asking her for her autograph, and you've got warning bells a 'ringing.

"DAMNIT FOR THE UPTEENTH TIME, I AM NOT RINA INTROVERSE!" She roared at the slimy individual before her, causing him slither off as fast as he was capable. "Just who the hell is this person anyway?"

"Ah, Rina Introverse is a rather popular… actress."

"Why the pause Liny?" Lina pressed, feeling that she wouldn't appreciate the answer.

"She does… adult films. Mostly heaving bosoms and busting bodices, with a side dish of ravishment by sexy somewhat villains." Shadow Lina confessed before scurrying back to work.

Now this is normally the part where Lina is so enraged that she Dragon Slaves the inn into next Tuesday. But it never happened. Not that she didn't try to. It's that pronouncing 'Dragon Slave' as 'Dragon Sla… ah… yeah… hooo… IIIIEEEEEEEE!' does not produce enough magic to fire up an explosion. Apparently Lina's new bust caused her to become unbalanced and she ended up toppling over onto the floor.

"Ouch."

"Maybe we should all take a walk?' Sylphiel supplied, hoping some fresh winter air would cool down her temperamental friend.

"Good idea Sylph." Human Zel grinned as he helped Lina back to her feet.

"Hand."

"What? I'm helping you up?"

"No. HAND!"

"Eh? OH!" Zel blushed as he realized his hand had grasped onto Lina's ample globes. Quickly depositing the petite red head on her feet he mused, "Man, a guy could get Carpel Tunnel from those babies."

"EXCUSE ME!?!"

"Ah… that was out loud again, huh."

Human Zelgadis was rather lucky that Lina couldn't cast anything without falling over; else he'd be in a new world of pain.

The brisk walk about town seemed to do wonders to the sorceress' disposition, much to her friend's relief. They enjoyed looking at the festive decorations, and aside from Gourry, eating the festive treats and holiday snacks. They even joined some youngsters in a snowball fight. Yes spirits were high as they wondered off to admire the ice sculptures in the square across from the 'Chubby Hubby'.

One statue in particular caught everyone's eye. It was of a rather well endowed petite woman prostrating herself in cheerful submission. It was a sculpture of the aforementioned Rina Introverse, with heaving bosoms nearly falling out of her snow-capped gown.

Lina glared at her in hatred.

"You know, looking at this statue, there's not much of a resemblance." Human Zel commented as he sprinkled some salt on Demon Zel's tongue, which was stuck to a metal pole.

Lina smiled.

"I mean, Lina's tits are waaay bigger than that porn stars. Not that they were before, but then they were a rather nice handful… OH By La-Sama WHY can't I SHUT UP!" Zel cried as Lina's smile turned into a gaze of heated fury, sizzling into his spine.

Amelia burst into tears. "Oh Mr. Zelgadis! I never knew you were such a Pervert!"

"This is YOUR fault isn't it Xellos!" Zelgadis rounded on the smug trickster.

"Nope, but I do find your dilemma most amusing and nourishing too."

Xellos grinned.

Amelia blushed.

Gourry tried to eat some falling snow and screamed.

Sylphiel paled.

Demon Zel sniffed a tree.

Human Zel twitched.

Golem Zel stared at Rina's sculpture.

Lina roared.

"That Is IT! Back to the Inn! We're are going to sit down and find out EXACTLY what ALL these accursed gifts are NOW!" She decreed, frightening every living thing in their area. "And then we'll Get Rid Of Them! So… MOOVE!"

And there was much dashing through the snow.

to be continued