Why It's Never Dear Santa's Elves
By the Emperor's Sister
Part 4:
The Slayers crew had just marched back to their designated table when the common room's lights dimmed.
"Ladies and Gentlemen!" a rather portly man announced, "As is tradition here in Shvell, the Cubby Hubby proudly presents… Your Waitresses!"
The lights at the front of the room were brightened considerably to reveal Shadow Lina and her three fellow co-workers, dolled up in provocative santa-esque uniforms.
"Hit it Girls!" and festive music began to play.
"String up the lights and light up the tree!"
"We're going to make some revelry!"
"Spirits are high so we can tell!"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
"People are nicer as you pass them by!"
"There are lots of arts and crafts to buy!"
"The snow is falling and all is well!"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
"There goes Chubby Farmer,"
"With a festive Christmas ham!"
"After he's done cooking it,"
"He'll serve it up as Spam!"
"And there goes Sister Melody,"
"Caroling with the nuns!"
"Collecting alms for the holidays,"
"Ceifeed bless us everyone!"
"Everybody has a happy glow!"
"Lets dance in the pristine, pure white snow!"
"Even monsters, it seems, are under the spell!"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
"Why not try our Pecan Boar!"
"Even if you're full you'll ask for more!"
"Can you resist how good it smells?"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
"Here's a rack to hand the stockings on!"
"If you still have to shop there isn't long!"
"My, Miss Lina's hair looks swell!"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
"There's princess Amelia,"
"Next to the mistletoe!"
"If she'll make good use of it,"
"I guess we'll never know!"
"For one day we all stop cursing,"
"And our friends are not so thick!"
"All the screaming and the torture stops,"
"The night we get visited by St. Nick!"
"So string up the lights and light up the tree!"
"Toss back a mug or two or three!"
"For just one day all is well!"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
"Got some orders to fill and make them quick!"
"Getting everything done is quite the trick!"
"So kiss your lover and ring the bell!"
"Its Christmas time!"
"Christmas time!"
"Christmas time!"
"Christmas time!"
"Its Christmas time!"
"Christmas time!"
"Christmas time!"
"Christmas time!"
"Its Christmas time in Shvell!"
Once the polite applause died out the tired performers grabbed their trays and returned to serving tables.
"This place is called Shvell?" Lina questioned, startled by the whole musical number.
"Actually this is the town of Cheval, but over the years, with mispronunciation, it became Shvell." Liny explained.
"Ah, so that answers why the house specials are always horse."
Liny shrugged as she leaned over their table to set down some spiced holiday ale. Unfortunately her movement left her tightly mini-skirted behind in clear view of one Zelgadis Greywierds.
Demon Zel that is.
"WOMAN!" he shouted gleefully as he pounced.
"Eeeek!" Liny squealed as she was unceremoniously dragged to the floor.
Amazingly enough the one to hurry to the poor Shadow Inverse's rescue was the Beast Master's General himself, Xellos Metallium. He reached down and whilst pulling the rumpled Liny to the safety of his lap, he bopped the hormonally crazed demon on his head.
"Bad Brow Demon! Bad!" Xellos scolded, rapping the blue demon boy with his staff once more. "No Humping Liny-chan! Very Bad!"
Demon Zel whimpered and sat apologetically on the floor, the kicked puppy look on his face.
Feeling a bit sorry for the cute demon boy, the rumpled Liny tossed him a small candied treat. "There there little guy. It's okay. Happens every year." She said patting the now happily panting Zelgadis, and ruffling his blue hair. "Anyhoo… what happened exactly to all of you? You all certainly weren't like this last night."
The red head's question seemed to bring them back on track. After quickly bringing Liny up to speed they commenced
"So, Mr. Zelgadis wanted…" Liny began.
"Cure."
"Mr. Gourry?"
"Food… sniff precious delightful food…"
"Miss Lina… ah obviously a larger cup size."
Lina looked away.
"Now, Miss Sylphiel?"
"Um… to have Gourry-dear think of me… at least a little bit… oh dear."
"Ah so that's why he's been screaming lately." Lina deducted. "The blonde only thinks when he eats, normally about food. Now whenever he does he sees bits of Sylphiel…"
"Ewww."
"That's icky."
"Poor guy."
"Sorry."
"Ah, now Princess Amelia?"
"I only wanted Zelgadis-san to be able to speak his inner-most thoughts… uh oh."
"Oh, so this is all YOUR fault!" human Zel growled.
"I was only hoping to help you out." Amelia tried, but thinking 'Though really I hoped you'd confess your love for me and justice.'
"And you Mr. Xellos?"
"It's a secret." Lina supplied before Xellos even opened his mouth to speak.
"It is?"
"It ALWAYS is."
"The fruitcake is very predictable." Human Zel added.
Xellos looked rather offended. "Actually, I didn't get anything, thank you very much."
No one knew what to say to that.
"Ah, is it me, or are we missing someone?" Sylphiel asked, breaking the tension.
Everyone glanced around and groaned.
"Crap! Where's Golem Zel?"
"Last I recall he was with us when we were looking at the statues, Lina-san."
"Great we left the big stone lug outside?"
"Well don't blame me," Zel began his defense, "I was busy trying to control demon me and my tongue!"
"Do you mean that quiet stone fellow that follows you about?" Liny asked. "He seems fine."
"Eh? How would you know?" Lina wondered.
"Because I can see him out that window there." Liny pointed, from her perch upon Xellos' lap.
Everyone turned to see one Golem Zelgadis standing before the ice sculpture of Rina Introverse, almost exactly as they had left him.
"Would look at that."
"He's giving her a flower! How sweet."
"Is she blushing? I can't really tell from here."
"Can ice sculptures blush?"
"So cute!"
"Way to go, Golem Zel!"
"Woof!"
"Right. Golem me is just peachy with his new girlfriend. Now how do we return these Gifts!?"
The slayers re-sat themselves and thought it over. They were rather stumped on that one. Well all except for one sneaky, tricky individual that is.
"Well Lina-chan, why don't you pay a visit to the ones who gave you these gifts to begin with." Xellos smiled, "I believe they're still in town, from what I saw."
They all stared at the smiling demon for a full five minutes before reacting.
"Show Us DAMNIT!"
And so with Liny declaring her break, they made their way to a nearby shed, where nestled inside all snug in their beds, were four dwarfish elves. One could practically smell the sugarplums that danced in their heads. Gourry whimpered as his tummy growled.
Lina began to go through the motions of waking the little darling up when she paused, remembering. "Ah, Liny? Would you mind? Just this once?"
"Sure Miss Lina." Liny agreed, "I'll just think of it as my Christmas gift to you. Keeps me off the Naughty List."
" Fire Ball ""AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
to be continued