Success, Failure, and Courage: Easier to Run
Buffy spent most of the next Saturday explaining to Willow the situation, once it was all figured out, it seemed quite funny, or at least to Willow and the false face Buffy was putting on. It had been a few weeks now, and the Social Worker was due any day now. Buffy lay in the bathtub, thinking she was alone that evening, with Spike and Willow patrolling, and Dawn over at Janice's house. She closed her eyes, desperately wanting the feeling of wanting to die away, wanting to be able to live. Yes, she had the will to keep herself alive, it didn't mean she was ready to let go of her security blanket or security vampire rather. God, even if Spike was just for the convenience, her fantasies of Angel and Riley had faded into Spike. Wanting Spike, needing Spike, moaning his name because it was really the name she wanted to actually moan. Buffy was growing frustrated with herself. She was using him, she knew it. But sharing a bed with him, seeing him as he slept, watching him as he did simple, around the house things...she was starting to have feelings for him. Love was too strong, love required trust, and she didn't trust him...yet, not completely anyway. If anyone other than Dawn knew...she could kiss her friends goodbye. Spike didn't have a soul...but then again with everything he had been doing...the soul seemed to just be something to prove he could do it. She relaxed further into the warm water until the bathroom door opened slowly. She turned her head towards the door and pushed the shower curtain aside to see Spike standing there.
"It's called knocking Spike, I don't care if we're pretending to be a family it's common curtis-"
"I did" he replied, "And you said come in." Buffy had totally spaced and then remembered she had mumbled the words. She sunk down into the water, the edge touching her chin. She closed her eyes and she rubbed the bridge of her nose.
"I thought you were patrolling, you know, helping me out?" She asked, trying to sound annoyed, but it failed, she just sounded weak and tired. Spike took this as a hint and went to the side of the tub.
"Sit up pet, I'll give you a massage" he said softly. Buffy almost protested, but sat up anyway. His cool hands felt good against her warmed skin as he began rubbing her neck and back, a soft, unrestrained moan escaping her lips. He continued this for a moment before she looked back at him and turned so she could face him better.
"I don't want the massage...I want you" she whispered, leaning up to kiss him, reaching down to pull his shirt up. He quickly did the task for her, along with removing his boots and pants, watching Buffy, waiting for her command. She stood, letting him gaze at her wet, naked body, watching as his mind worked and as he got up slowly, slipping into the bath tub and watched as she lowered herself onto him, slowly letting him enter her. Her hips rose and fell slowly at first, gaining speed as the need grew stronger. Her panting was met with his soft words and groans as he raised his hips with hers; bath water splashing out the more vigorous the movements became until Buffy and Spike reached paralleled orgasm.
It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something more
Buffy walked slowly up the stairs to her room after talking with Tara. Spike was out somewhere, drinking probably. The Social Worker had come earlier in the day and said everything was ship shape. Buffy wasn't so sure and was letting Spike stay five more days. Tara had said that was a good length to let both Dawn and Spike know it was over, that things went back to normal and that Spike had to go back to his crypt. It looked good on paper, Buffy thought as she undressed in her room slowly, preparing for her warm, soft bed. The day had been too long and hard for the slayer and she slipped into the sheets, closing her eyes, preparing her speech.
Sometimes I think of letting go, and never looking back.
Buffy was pacing in her bedroom while Spike and Dawn were downstairs, preparing the speech in her head, making sure it sounded good, voicing a few points to make them stronger. This was going to be hard. The past few weeks had made her realized Spike wasn't the monster he appeared, and or wanted to appear to be. He was tough as nails, but gave much to easily to softer emotions, and indulging in such pleasures that usually were given to those with a soul. But Spike seemed to be such an exception. At times she wondered if he in fact had his soul the whole time, but then he'd do something stupid and he'd prove he was a soulless fiend. Buffy headed down the stairs quickly and looked at Dawn and Spike.
"We need to talk..."
And never moving forward, so there will never be a past
Even with Spike out of the house, Buffy had still slept with Spike, kept it up until now as she walked to the cemetery, preparing to tell him it was all over, wanting him to know for sure, this was it, she couldn't go on with it.
These memories I keep locked away, no one can ever see
As Buffy walked away all she could think of is the hurt in Spike's eyes, and yet the relief she felt. In the pit of her stomach she felt a little guilt to break his heart, but she knew he would be okay if she was, right? The argument had been long and loud, but she hadn't allowed him to sucker her in, she kept her defenses up, didn't let him in. She sighed softly, and once she got into the safety of her room, began crying deeply into the pillows, sobbing audibly.
It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something more.
(Author's Notes: Wow, look what some time off does to a girl? I wrote a super long chapter, but Buffy and Spike are familiar territory for me. I'll try my best to do the same for the others, and I have a feeling once I get to Chosen, you will all be so madly in love with this story...and I don't just mean the Buffy/Spike chapters)