Yelen's ramblings: This fic is slightly more explicit than the others I've written, and it's also a lot more mammoth. The title is a direct translation of the theme song of the Taiwanese homosexual romantic comedy, Formula 17, currently my favourite movie. This fic was inspired by the song and also partly by the movie. Everyone should watch it; it's fantastic. And there's nothing better than watching two hot guys making out with each other. :D

Pairing: MitRuMit. I think. I can never figure it out. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I Think Your Happiness is Because of Me

To be honest, I didn't do anything to Rukawa. At all. And I would only be lying if you count my natural good looks and disarming confidence and beautiful basketball moves as 'doing something' to him, and I'm sure you don't, so you can't call me a liar either.

So what really happened? I'm not very sure myself, to be honest. I think it started out with a look in his eyes.

Yes, I know: what look? In his eyes? Rukawa Kaede has looks in his eyes? Who am I kidding, right?

Well, I'm not kidding. I guess perhaps, in this respect, you would say that we've had some sort of strange psychic, telepathic connection right from the beginning…but to be frank, I don't really go for such stupid sentimental bullshit. So I still choose to say that it started with a look in his eyes, but it was a look that lasted for less than a second, and I only caught it out of sheer luck.

As usual, it was after basketball practice, and I was in the shower. I was feeling damn good that day, and it wasn't just because I felt that I'd out-performed everyone on the court. I mean, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary; I, being the Mitsui Hisashi, do it all the time. But I was definitely in an extra good mood that day, because for once in quite a while, I wasn't close to dying after practice had ended, which is always a cause for celebration under all circumstances if you want my honest opinion.

But I digress. My story starts with the shower…or rather, it starts after the shower, when I got out wrapped only in a towel. Hey, you can't blame me! The pathetic shower rooms in Shohoku are so small that my clothes would get totally drenched by the time I'm done with the shower if I brought them in. So, naturally, I have to get dressed outside. Somehow, I'm the only one who does that though. I wonder why.

Anyway, I thought that the changing room would be empty, for it usually is (which is why I'm so unabashed about wearing my clothes outside – I'm not an exhibitionist!), but it just so happened that on that day, I wasn't alone. Oh no, I wasn't – in fact, it just so happened, too, that our dear Rukawa Kaede decided that he had to be in the changing room at the precise moment in which I stepped out of the shower and proceeded to get dressed as well. How coincidence and chance would have it!

I saw his back before I saw his face. He was washing his hands, completely oblivious to my presence. I stood there watching him for a while, not because I was admiring his back view or anything, but because I wanted to see how long it would be before he realises that I was there too.

Turned out that he went on to wash his towel after he was done with his hands. Surprisingly (or not), he seemed completely unaware that I was behind him; after a while, I got sick of waiting for him to leave, so I decided to make my presence known.

I said, "Hey, Rukawa."

He stopped his washing; didn't move for about two seconds. Then, he turned around.

And that was when I caught the look in his eyes.

To recap, I was half-naked. Or rather, completely naked, save for the towel wrapped around the lower half of my body. And because of that, I saw a look in Rukawa Kaede's eyes.

It left as quickly as it appeared, but I know what I saw. In less than a second, his eyes widened, oh so slightly, as if they hadn't moved at all, in a manner that only Rukawa is capable of pulling off. He looked surprised to see me; more importantly, he looked afraid, as if looking at me half-naked might give something away on his part.

And he had every cause to feel that way. It was so damn obvious. He was ready to fall into my embrace, to let me complete his fantasies and turn them into reality. And if truth be told, I didn't mind that much; I did – and still do – find him pretty good-looking, and it was a major boost to my ego that Shohoku's most eligible bachelor appeared to have a crush on me. (Not that it surprised me, for I've always been Most Likely To Be Crowned Prom King.)

So I smiled, a private one to myself, folded my arms across my chest, and casually leaned against the wall. He'd slipped that poker face back on by then, but I knew what was going on. And I was ready to play.

"Sempai," he said. A simple word wearing the appearance of nonchalance, but he looked away; pretended to stare at his feet, as if his Nikes were more interesting than me.

Haha, haha, ha. Rukawa Kaede cannot lie. That is one of the many things I find quite amusing about him.

"So, are you done?"

"What?"

I gestured at my lack of clothing. "I kinda need to wear my clothes, so I'd appreciate it if you could leave for a while and then come back after I'm done."

Rukawa quickly glanced at me, and just as quickly, looked away. He didn't move for about two seconds, and then he threw his towel around his neck. He walked towards me, towards the door, towards the exit, and I looked at him not look at me as he walked past. And then, to his retreating back, I said playfully, "Or you could continue washing your towel while I wear my clothes. But you have to promise that you wouldn't look."

He stopped for about three seconds. Then he turned around to look at me, and said with a snort, "Do'ahou." With that, he walked out of the changing room, leaving me behind by myself.

Alone with myself, I finally could laugh out loud. I even began to whistle as I got dressed. When I was done, I walked out, saw Rukawa leaning against the wall by the door, and gave him a thumbs-up sign. He glared at me and went back in.

So, from the very outset, I was the one calling the shots. And I'd completely enjoyed myself; this was going to be fun.

Who would've known, though, that 'fun' soon turned out to be 'quite a drag' in disguise?

I didn't believe in love. This sounds cliché, and it is cliché, but it's the truth: a bad experience I suffered when I was 15, going on 16, turned me off to the notion of 'love' forever. What was the point? And relationships? Totally stupid, idiotic and retarded. The way I saw it, two people get together, think that the other person is "the one" for about ten minutes, discover after those ten minutes that the other person is actually not "the one" after all, for how can you possibly think that you know what your "the one" is like when you're like, sixteen?, and then, they break up, thus ending months and months of exhilaration, pain and suffering spent – wasted – on that other person.

How absolutely stupid. As a result, I lived by the Mitsui Hisashi doctrine of Never Falling In Love (how was that even remotely possible when I didn't believe in it?) and Sleep and Run and Two-Week Flings. And you know what? I got by fine; in fact, I think I was even happy, whatever that stupid and highly elusive thing called 'happiness' really means. For whatever it's worth though, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't upset, and I definitely wasn't crying. I laughed a lot more, I smiled a lot more, and I also became more arrogant and egotistical than I'd been in the past, a thing I didn't think was possible, but all things are possible when you're not tied down by a relationship.

And so, back to our original topic: what was love to me? Absolutely nothing. I jeered at idiots who left the basketball team to spend more time with their girlfriends/boyfriends; I scoffed at unrealistic and downright corny "rom-coms" (even the short form for 'romantic comedy' cracked me up) that give false promises of a non-existent happy ending; and I was wholly convinced that I was going to die a cynic with a scowl on my face and perpetual bitterness in my mouth.

And you know what? It didn't bother me at all. Why should it? I was living the life: going out with different people every two weeks, having the fun that two people supposedly enjoy in an exclusive relationship but without the excess emotional baggage, satisfying my whims and desires as and when I wanted…it was great. It was the best period of my life. And I didn't want to give it up.

Not even for Rukawa Kaede.

Especially not for Rukawa Kaede.

I'd decided that Rukawa was going to be my next target. To be honest, the notion of having him for two weeks didn't cross my mind at all, until that mini incident in the shower room. I guess it just wasn't even a remote possibility before, since he was a team-mate, and the Mitsui Hisashi Doctrine dictated that Mitsui Hisashi only slept with people whom he'd never see again; otherwise, it would just be too damn complicated.

In retrospect, I think that was my first mistake: going against my sacred Doctrine and succumbing to my curiosity. And hey, you can't really blame me either. Rukawa may not be half the basketball player that I am and he may not be as good-looking as me, but he is still pretty alluring…for an annoying first-grader on the team who seemed to be bent on stealing the title of 'ace' from me.

Ha! As if he ever could. How can a junior high almost-MVP possibly win a junior high MVP, Period? Hello?

But I digress. The point is, the fun soon continued, on one pretty Saturday afternoon, a few days after the shower room incident, when I was suddenly awakened by the door bell. I opened the door to find Rukawa standing in front of me.

Yeah, I guess I was a little bit surprised; I'd expected him to wait for me to make the first move, considering how embarrassed he'd seem in the shower room. But then again, our dear Rukawa is always full of surprises, isn't he?

"Hey," he said; and so nonchalantly too, as if he had every right to be standing in my doorway for no apparent reason on a Saturday afternoon. Typical Rukawa. How funny.

"Uh, okay, hi," I replied, somewhat awkwardly; I'd just woken up and all, and my hair was in a mess. Hell, I hated it when I greeted potential targets when I'm not looking my best. It's downright embarrassing, if you really want to know. You'd never know what could happen once your image is tarnished by a lack of hair-styling.

But back to the story.

Rukawa stood in my doorway, staring at me, and, as usual, not saying a word. I raised an eyebrow.

"What do you want?"

Rukawa narrowed his eyes. "Can I come in?"

"Huh? What the hell for?"

He thrusted something at me; I glanced at it. It had a bunch of numbers printed in small fonts on a white piece of paper. I looked at Rukawa again; still staring at me, expecting me to understand.

"Okay," I said slowly. "And what has your Maths homework got to do with anything?"

"I need help with it."

At this point, I completely cracked up. I couldn't believe that Rukawa was desperate enough to come to me with such a lame excuse. Asking me for help with his Maths homework? You couldn't get any more obvious than that! But still, I decided to play along.

"Maths, eh?" I said, my voice suddenly taking on a cheerful tone. "Sure, no problem! Come on in!"

Rukawa entered. But barely a few steps away from the door, he suddenly stopped and stood there, seemingly rooted to the spot, his eyes locked on mine.

It would've been really freaky…if it weren't so completely sexy. I smiled. Slowly, I walked towards him, my eyes never leaving his. A few steps closer, closer, closer…until I'm barely a metre away from him.

"Still want to talk about Maths?" I said softly. My fingers grazed his hand, lightly. "Or are you here for something entirely different?"

A sudden intake of breath on his part, and his hand gripped mine tightly as I began to teasingly pull it away.

"I want you."

His tone was aggressive, his grip relentless. His eyes seemed to pierce right through me, and at that very moment, a weird sensation suddenly came over me, one which I've never felt before. I admit, I got a little bit scared…but not enough for me to stop playing.

"Do me a favour, Rukawa."

"What?"

"Let's play. One-on-one."

A slight frown crossed his face. "Now?"

I smiled again. He was pretty cute when he was so dense.

"Yes," I said. Then, I leaned in, close to him, my cheek touching his, and I kissed him, right on the lips. "Now."

Rukawa's breath quickened as understanding dawned upon his eyes. His homework dropped to the floor, forgotten.

"Anything for you."

No, we didn't do it that day. He wanted to, but I said no; told him that it was too soon, that it would be a lot more special if we waited for a while before we took it – whatever 'it' was – to another level.

A crock of shit, of course; what I really wanted was to screw him at the end of the two weeks. Sleep and Run, remember? I still had a Doctrine to follow.

Rukawa, predictably, bought my crap. He left about an hour later, and conveniently left his Maths homework at my house too. What a dolt.

But it was only when I picked up his homework that I realised it contained a code or some sort. You know, those stupid number things with a number that corresponds to a certain button of a keypad on the phone, and the whole thing spells out a message? Yeah, that was what I found. Out of curiosity, I decoded the numbers, and found this:

"You rock my boat."

I snorted a little. Okay, if you say so, Rukawa.

Rukawa was extremely clingy, to the point that I almost threw in the towel and told him to fuck off after about three days. He showed up outside my classroom every single day, at every single break, as if he depended on me to breathe or something. It was downright scary, it was. I hated clingy people. Don't make a fuss, you know? Be honoured that I bothered with you and just get over it when I've had my fun. Besides, clingy people are harder to dump. It's a proven, scientific fact.

Another day in school, another break, and I saw Rukawa leaning casually against the wall of my classroom, next to the door. His eyes were closed, his hands in his pockets.

Mentally, I noted a small voice in my head which noted that he did look quite beautiful, but I shoved it aside. Who cared how beautiful he looked? It was immaterial and completely beside the point.

I sighed. I walked slowly towards the door, half-hoping that he wouldn't notice when I walk past him. His eyes might have been closed, but he had this strange way of just knowing that I was around. Like I said: downright scary.

I tiptoed past him. He opened his eyes; looked at me expectantly. Another sigh on my part, this time in my head. Why did I get myself into this again? Sometimes, I really didn't understand myself.

"Hey Rukawa," I said, a trace of weariness evident in my voice.

Rukawa nodded. "Sempai."

"Okay, so where do we go now?"

He shrugged. "Wherever you wanna."

What if I wanted to get away from you?

"A movie?"

"What about school?"

"Fuck school then," I said, laughing. "Like it makes a difference. You're always sleeping anyway."

Rukawa snorted. "Fine. Whatever. Let's go."

When we were a good distance away from the school gate, Rukawa grabbed my hand without even looking at me. And that was when I felt that weird feeling again, the same one I felt at my place during that Saturday afternoon… and it was far from being the second time.

And that was how I decided that this had to end now.

"Hey, change of plans. Let's go to your place instead."

I thought I saw him smile, but I couldn't be sure; he'd already turned his head when I wanted to get a better look. He merely nodded in agreement and let me lead the way.

And so I did.

Rukawa's bedroom. It was huge. A four-poster bed, an autographed Jordan jersey hanging on the wall (where in the fuck did he get that?!), and an actual sound system that complemented a plasma TV. This kid was rich.

Rukawa didn't bother with trivialities. How could he anyway, when he says so little? But as soon as I was inside, he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me against the wall, his mouth pressed hard against mine. I sensed his urgency, his almost-obsessive passion/lust/love, his lips against mine, my lips against his, his hands underneath my shirt, on my back, that weird feeling again, and I pushed him away.

I didn't realise that I was breathing heavily, until I heard it loud and clear amidst the silence that soon hung thickly over us. Rukawa stared at me. I looked away.

I needed to think. No, I needed to be in control. I had to be in control; that was what the Doctrine stated. Rukawa like this…it was pretty new. I'd never had a fling quite like him; no wonder I was slightly disturbed.

Right. A solution. Control; that was the key. I could do this.

Rukawa still hadn't moved, and he was still staring at me. I couldn't read his expression, but I thought I saw a trace of hurt in his eyes. I swallowed.

I moved a little bit closer to him, and whispered, "I'm sorry. I was just…a little bit scared." Not entirely a lie, for I was practically freaking out. "Sorry, okay?"

"Scared of what?"

Scared of you, and the things you make me feel.

Fuck, that stupid voice again. Shut the fuck up! This was what I was scared of: "That someone may walk in on us. You didn't even close your door."

Upon hearing those words, Rukawa instantly relaxed. He even produced a sound that sounded like a laugh. "Do'ahou," he said. "No one's home."

"Right. Okay. I'll stop being paranoid then." I smiled; moved even closer to him; put my hand on his face. His breath quickened; he started to say something, but I put a finger on his lips. Then, with Rukawa as the one and only member of my audience, I removed my finger and replaced it with my lips.

He responded faster than I'd thought he would. His hands ran up and down my back as I ran my fingers through his hair, and we were moving closer to his bed, and we fell onto his bed together, him below, me on top. I pulled off his shirt and he willingly obliged.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, that same voice told me that his skin, so pasty like chalk, was almost as beautiful as snow. I pushed it away.

Rukawa's lips. They were soft; wait, a cliché. More realistically: they were hungry, had a nice texture, felt nothing like all the previous lips I'd kissed. And then, surreptitiously, that feeling crept up in me again, but I chose to ignore it. Just ignore everything, okay, Hisashi? Ignore it, stick to the Doctrine, and you'd be fine.

Rukawa's lips again. And this time, they were saying something.

"What is it?"

"I love you, Sempai."

I love you, Sempai.

Oh my god, what the hell was I doing?

Abruptly, I pulled away and rolled over, breaking our contact. I quickly got off his bed, looked for my shirt which had somehow came off during our intense making out, and hurriedly put it on. Against my will, my eyes darted furtively in Rukawa's direction, and the look on his face was the last thing that registered in my mind as I bolted from his room.

Yes, news flash: Rukawa Kaede's perpetual poker face wasn't that perpetual after all, and he does have looks on his face, in his eyes, so on and so forth. I should know.

It was disappointment on his face. Pure, unbridled disappointment, so much more than hurt, let alone anger, slightly less than pain, but it was getting there.

That heart-wrenching disappointment on Rukawa Kaede's face was instantly etched onto my mind. There was no escape anymore.

But what did I care? My problem was solved. I didn't sleep with him after all, and it lasted for less than two weeks, but at least it was over. Rukawa was an aberration from the Doctrine, and it was for the best that it was quickly resolved.

Or so I thought.

After that day in his room, he completely ignored me, even during basketball practices. He didn't look in my direction at all, not even when he passed the ball to me, and he only did so because Akagi told him to. Even when I was unmarked, he chose to pass to Sakuragi instead.

And our sporadic one-on-ones? Never happened again. Coincidental meetings in the shower room? Totally non-existent. And conversations between us? Are you kidding me? Don't be so fucking stupid; how was that remotely possible?

Apparently, it was, though it wasn't a real conversation per se. But one day, Rukawa ended the cold war between us that he imposed, which I was only too happy (I thought) to go along with.

It was after basketball practice. I was in the locker room, getting my stuff in the dark for I was too lazy to turn on the lights, so that I could go home. I thought I was alone, but somebody suddenly switched on the lights.

I blinked, and then glanced at the door.

Rukawa.

It was the first time since That Day that I was looking directly at him. It was also the first time since That Day that he was looking directly at me.

And I wished he wouldn't. I didn't think I could stomach the coldness and animosity that radiated like a frigid wind from his eyes…and then, seeing him glare at me as though I was his biggest nemesis in the world, something in me just snapped.

"What the fuck do you want?" I yelled. "It was a fucking game, okay? It was only a fucking game to me. Nothing more. And you allowed me to play you. 'Anything you want', remember?"

But Rukawa barely flinched; he merely continued glaring at me, and his smothering gaze reduced me to nothing more than a sewage rat with dirt caked on its fur. And it only pissed me off even further.

"Seriously, Rukawa, just fuck off, okay? I don't love you. I'd never love you. How can I love you when I don't believe in love? Hello? We're living in the 21st Century, remember? People screw each other for fun. But you! You got too damn serious for me to screw you. What a fucking waste of time. I should never have bothered with you, you know that?"

Silence. And those eyes. I was suddenly afraid.

"Fuck Rukawa, say something! Don't just stand there and stare at me!"

"Okay." Calmly, flatly, he folded his arms across his chest, and spat, "I pity you."

"Huh?"

His indolent, antagonistic expression never left his face, and his voice was flat and painfully matter-of-fact: "You're a fucking coward."

With that, he turned and walked away.

I stared at his retreating back. 'Fucking first grader' was the first thing that came to mind. 'Stupid Rukawa' quickly followed.

But after my indignation had died down, I began to think: Maybe, just maybe, in a strange, twisted way… he's right.

A Brief History of Sexuality in the Case of Mitsui Hisashi

Specimen A: Female, aged 16, long hair that was dyed horrendously blond, 1.5m. Duration: Three weeks and two days. Name: Chrissy.

Specimen B: Female, aged 19, short, spiky hair dyed pink, 1.56m. Duration: A week and five days. Name: Angel.

Specimen C: Female, aged 29, shoulder-length hair, naturally jet-black. 1.65m. Duration: Two weeks and six days. Name: Mayumi.

Specimen D: Male, aged 17, crew cut, blond spikes. 1.79m. Duration: Three weeks and a day. Name: Tommy. Or was it Tom? Or Tim?

Specimen E: Male, aged 16, hairstyle and height forgotten. Duration: Six days. Name: Forgotten.

Specimen F: Male; age, hairstyle and height forgotten; duration, probably two weeks; name, also forgotten.

Specimen G: Female…maybe.

Specimen H: Male…or was it female? Or was it a fucking dog?

Specimen I: Male, aged 16, black hair, bangs that covered his eyes. Birthday: January 1. Height: 1.87m. Position: Forward. School: Shohoku High. Favourite activity: Sleeping. Favourite brand: Nike. Colour of bike: Hot pink. Favourite music: Nirvana. Favourite basketball player: Michael Jordan. Favourite subject: Recess. Favourite saying: "Do'ahou". And the list continues. Duration: A week, six days…and counting.

Okay. Let me start again.

Scene One: Shower room. Rukawa's crush on me. Yes, we've went over that already; let's move on.

Scene Two: Rukawa at my doorstep. Phase the First of my Conquer Rukawa plan that dropped onto my lap like a gift from heaven. That kiss between us, and this is what I left out the first time I told you the story: I broke the kiss because I was afraid of what it might lead to. I didn't sleep with him because I was petrified of what I thought it might do to me. And I snorted when I read his message because I didn't want to admit how much I wished it would last forever, and that it wasn't just a whimsical thought that randomly occurred to him.

Scene Three: This, I left out too. A date at Starbucks, Phase the Second of my Conquer Rukawa plan. I fished, he baited; I flirted, he fell even harder. And then, he reached across the table, suddenly, catching me off guard; took my hand between his; skin on skin, and there was that feeling again. It induced something in me, an urge to spill my guts. And I did.

Mitsui Hisashi, aged 15, going on 16. His first girlfriend: a university student, five years older. He thought it was love. She thought it was just a fling. And in the end, she was right.

"And then?"

"And then, nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yeah. Nothing. Just sex; nothing more. My first time, completely wasted. How tragic."

"It's okay, Sempai."

"What do you mean, it's okay? I'm never getting it back, you know."

"You can have mine."

And I…

Scene Four: Rukawa's room. Almost-sex. And I…

Scene Five:

Scene Six:

Scene Seven:

Scene Eight:

I can't fucking do this.

That's it, then. Present day. Rukawa Kaede is out of my life. I don't care what he calls me, and I certainly don't care what he thinks of me. Who does he think he is anyway? Stupid, moronic first-grader, cocky little shit. So what if he's the best kisser I've ever had a fling with? So what if he's also the most beautiful person I've ever dated, period? So what, too, if his complete devotion to me touches me somewhere deep inside the cavity where my heart should be? So fucking what? I'm not impressed. And that look in his eyes in the shower room? Do I need to repeat myself again? I said 'so what', didn't I?

Love is non-existent. He thinks he loves me? Fuck, how delusional. He's only turned on by me, he only wants to fuck me, nothing more. Come on, stop being stupid, for crying out loud. The world is so amazingly fucked up and I'm the only rational person alive. Why am the only person who knows?

And you have absolutely no idea how much of a drag it is to see Rukawa every single bleeding weekday during basketball practice. Like now. I'm sitting on the bench, next to Ayako; Coach asked me to take a break because none of my shots have made it anywhere near the basket for the past ten minutes or so. Obviously, something is wrong, and I choose to blame Rukawa.

Oh, look at him show off! Another fucking stupid slam dunk. Get a life, Rukawa. Nobody cares, and especially not me. You can stop trying to impress me now, because it won't work. Ever.

"Hey Mitsui-sempai, are you all right?"

Ayako. She's looking at me now, concern written clearly on her face.

"Sure. Why?"

"Because you've been staring at Rukawa with that same murderous look for about – " she checks her watch – "fifteen minutes now."

"I'm not staring at that stupid numbskull!" I retort. "What's there to stare at? He's just Rukawa, for fuck's sake!"

Yeah. He's just Rukawa. And I hate him.

So why do I always feel funny whenever he's around? Worse still, why have I kept feeling like there's something missing for the past few weeks?

Oh fuck it. Put me out of my misery.

Right. Locker room. Again. After practice; again. Everything happens after basketball practice, don't they? I wonder why that is.

Okay, Hisashi, quit your stupid pointless mental chatter and just cut to the chase. Just get this done and over with.

Oh, there he is. Just the guy I've been looking for.

I'm standing by the door, watching Rukawa change out of his sweat-drenched Nike T-shirt and putting on another one. I'm feeling that strange feeling again, that same one I've felt over the week and six days that I spent with him. It's been almost a month since that exchange in the locker room when he called me a 'fucking coward'.

Well, we'll see who's the fucking coward now. Indolent ass.

I saunter towards him and tap him on the shoulder. He turns around, sees me, and immediately, like an intuitive reflex action, his face morphs into a scowl.

"Hey," I say, just to break the ice.

Rukawa barely flinches. Coolly, he turns away from me, snaps his locker shut, and pushes past me, as though I were made of air.

"Rukawa, stop. I'm talking to you."

He continues to walk. He's out of the door, disappearing into the darkness of the corridor. I feel something boiling in me, rage or anxiety or something along those lines. Whatever it is, it's carrying me out of the door too, into the corridor, following his shadow until we're out of the school, onto the streets.

It's night. It's dark. I can make out the outline of his lean body in the darkness, and then that voice shows itself again, telling me that he looks beautiful from the back too.

Okay. So, he does. So what? Just shut up about it already. Jesus.

I follow him some more, thinking that I'd get the chance to talk to him when he stops at a red light. But that chance never came, because he suddenly stops walking and turns around, facing me.

Oh shit. Those eyes again. A cool wind, coming from seemingly nowhere, makes me shiver.

And then, he speaks.

"Look. Stop following me. Okay? I'm tired. I've had enough. Just go away."

Go away? As opposed to 'fuck off'? This is quite bad, isn't it?

I run an erratic hand through my hair as I shuffle my feet. He's a few metres away from me, but he's close enough to hear me without me having to shout. I walk a little closer to him, tentatively, just to test the water; he takes a few steps backwards.

Okay. Time to spill.

"Rukawa," I begin. "I…"

I close my eyes. This is absolutely insane; there is no other word for it. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing; I just know that I need to do this, and I need to do this now, or the consequences would be worse than detrimental. In my head, I heave a heavy sigh. Damn Rukawa. It's all his fault.

"It's all your fault," I blurt out. "If it weren't because of you, none of this would be happening."

Rukawa lets out a sound that's a cross between a snort and a laugh. "Me?" he says incredulously. "Fuck you, Sempai. All I ever did was to have a stupid crush on you. How the hell is that my fault?"

He thinks that that's that; he turns away from me and starts to walk towards the traffic light.

But I'm not letting him go; not again, not this time.

"Okay, I fucking love you too, all right?"

Rukawa stops walking. I take that as a sign to continue.

"And you're right," I say to his back. "I'm a coward. I was afraid and I pushed you away, and I didn't want to give up my lifestyle for you, because of the things you made me feel." Somehow, I'm walking towards him, and he still hasn't moved an inch. "And I know this will never be enough to make up for what I did to you, but I just want you to know that…I'm sorry."

I exhale. There. It's all out in the open now. No more self-deception, obdurate insistence that Rukawa would never be more than a fling; no more sleepless nights, tossing and turning in bed, wondering about What Could Have Been, If Only; and no more 0-of-10 three-pointers, just because Rukawa refuses to have anything to do with me.

"And if you're wondering," I go on, not giving a shit that I may have just reached The Point of No Return, "I have the answers to the Maths questions you left at my house. The square root of a negative number is the complex number i. You cannot find the sine inverse of 3 because it does not exist. Sine square plus cosine square equals to one. And…um, I forgot the rest of it."

I'm still talking to his back. I stop talking. Time is ticking by, but simultaneously, it seems to be standing still.

One. Two. Three.

"Sempai."

My heart almost stopped beating. "What?"

"Go home."

Without even turning to look at me, Rukawa Kaede crosses the road, quickens his pace, and finally, breaks into a run, his shadow slipping away from me.

I watch as he disappears into the velvet black of the night, and I don't feel anything anymore. No pain, no anger, nothing…just a strange feeling in my throat, a subtle ache, and a long forgotten but familiar hotness in the eyes.

A drop of tear, seeping between my lips, into my mouth. How strange it tastes.

At home. I'm lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. So, I guess my last gamble didn't pay off either. Stupid Hisashi. See what happens when you go against the Doctrine?

From now onwards, I worship nothing but the Doctrine. It was right all along. Who needs love? Not me. I don't need it ever again.

And you know what else? Fuck Rukawa. I thought he wanted me. Well, I wanted to give myself to him too, didn't I? So what the hell was that about?

Stupid Rukawa. I hate him.

And whoever's ringing my fucking doorbell should stop NOW because I'm trying to sleep. Who the hell comes by at 12 midnight? God, the nerve of that asshole!

"What the hell do you want?" I shout as I throw open the door. "I'm trying to – "

Rukawa. Rukawa is standing in my doorway. Again. After he rejected me at that traffic junction.

"Sleep," I finish lamely. What's he doing here? Was that scene not enough? Does he want to cause me more grief by rubbing more salt into my wound that's gaping wide open for the whole world to jeer at? "What do you want?"

A hint of a smile crosses his features, and there's that look in his eyes again; but, as usual, they leave as quickly as they appear.

"You," he says, simply.

I stare at him, dumb-folded. To say that I'm currently very confused would be a huge understatement. "But I…you…I don't understand. I thought…you told me to go home."

"Yeah. So?"

"So...you rejected me. Right?"

Rukawa exhales impatiently and rolls his eyes. "Do'ahou. I needed to shower. I thought you knew."

I stare at him some more. To say that he's the biggest freak on earth would be an even bigger understatement. And I can't believe what has just happened, or what is still happening.

"So…you didn't reject me?"

Rukawa shakes his head.

"And…you still want me?"

Rukawa nods his head.

"And…you don't hate me?"

"Jesus, just shut up," he mutters. Without waiting for an invitation, he barges into my house and grabs me, pressing himself against me, his lips against mine, moving, hungrily, down, to my neck, and when they're met with the fabric of my shirt, he breaks his kiss.

"Take off your shirt. Now," he orders.

"Uh…wha…? Oh, okay…"

And then, we're in my room. On my bed, and he's on top this time. Oh fucking hell, Rukawa is hot. And I can't believe this is happening. More importantly, I can't believe I'm letting him call the shots. But I guess this is the least I could do to make it up to him.

"Wait, there's something I wanna say."

Rukawa stops kissing me and stares down at me. "What?"

"I'm really, really sorry; you know that right?"

Another look on his face; this time, a murderous one. "Yeah, okay, whatever."

With that, his lips meet mine again, and I'm more than happy to let him take the reins.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, that's how I ended up with Rukawa – Kaede – for more than two weeks. In fact, it's been almost three months, and counting; the longest I've been with a person in two years. And if we do break up, someday…well, so be it. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

You know, I think his happiness is because of me. It's pretty obvious, isn't it? I've even seen him smile in public, and on more than a few occasions too. I don't think I need to mention what a beautiful smile he has, and if it weren't for me, I doubt the world would ever be treated to such an amazing sight.

Kaede's sitting beside me now, channel-surfing listlessly. I'm trying my hardest to ignore the noise from the television set; I have this stupid Maths test tomorrow that I apparently cannot fail, for if I did, I wouldn't be able to play in our next game. And we all know how much that would cripple Shohoku.

"Hey," Kaede suddenly says. "Tell me something."

I tear my gaze from the gibberish that I was staring at (I hate Vectors and I always will) and focus my attention on him. "What?"

"When did you know?"

"When did I know what?"

"That I had a crush on you."

I laugh. "You don't already know?" Kaede shakes his head. "Ever since that day in the shower room, when I came out half-naked and you were outside washing your hands."

Kaede arches an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"How come?"

I laugh again, and reach over and ruffle his hair. "Because you're so damn obvious, that's why."

"I am?"

"Yeah. It was written all over your face."

The look that's now on Kaede's face can perhaps pass for disbelief. "It was?"

"Okay, for about a split second, but I caught it anyway, since I'm such a shrewd and brilliant observer."

"Oh."

I put down my pen and decide to forget about the dot product for the time being. "Why do you ask?"

Kaede shrugs. "Just wondered."

"Okay."

"Sempai?"

"What?"

"Stop admiring my beauty and do your Maths."

"Oh, haha Kaede, very funny."

Kaede sneaks a glance at me, sees my disgusted face, and smiles, his face lighting, giving him an aura of innocence that nobody but me gets to have access to. I feel something stirring in my heart; it's that same strange feeling I've felt ever since the beginning, and its intensity hasn't faded a single bit.

So, is this love, then, this thing between us?

Yep. It is.

Fuck the stupid doctrine. His love is all that I need.

-end-

Note: "A Brief History of Sexuality" was ripped off from the almighty genius Mr. Julian Barnes, from his almighty genius novel England, England. Sorry; I couldn't resist. The original is, of course, more detailed and much better written.

Another note: This didn't come out quite the way I planned it to, but what else is new? I don't know why it's so freakin' long either. I would've made it into chapters but I didn't have enough material, so…a one-shot!

Yet another note: Mitsui's cynical attitude towards love is actually my own. That thing about him suffering a bad experience when he was 15, going on 16, was stolen from my own life too. Haha, what a shameless sort-of self-insert!

I love Mitsui! He's mine forever! Bwahahahahaha!

-Yelen