Official Disclaimer- I dont own X, or Suabru and Kamui. i am merely borrowing them for a bit.
unofficial disclaimer- ya know how i am always saying these two are a doomed couple? yeah...well...here is the doom part of the couple. i hope i dont offend fans of the pairing! i really like them as a pair, i just cannot conceive of them as a happy pair. there really is only so much a mind can take, even a mind as exalted as that of the Kamui or Head of the Sumeragi Clan. So, on with the angst. Lyrics are from "Over" by Sugarcult.
-Fireun
"Everybody's watching you
Breathing in your every move
Look around when the world is empty
Look around if you're guilty"
'When did you learn to move like that...? There is a feral grace to you, a tense sort ofunhappiness when you pause, looking at something or another. The oddest things catch your attention, startle you. That tension, that displeasure, was never there before. Not when I met you. You were like an angel, a quietly beautiful fallen angel, always a slight smile in your eyes when you looked at me. Granted, there was just as much pain and unhappiness in that smile as pleasure when you turned that gaze in my direction, but there was never this…distance. Do you even see me, see any of us…' Kamui glared at Subaru, who was busy slinking his way through a crowd, intent on reaching the news stand on the far side of the street. He watched the slim man move, effortlessly managing to avoid any sort of physical contact with any part of the crowd on the street. It was an almost casual avoidance of humanity, casual if you didn't know Subaru. His goal reached, he procured and paid for a paper with white gloved hands and started back to his partner, eyes unreadable.
As they always were these days.
"Everybody's after you
I wait in line to touch you
Look around if you ever miss me
Look around because it kills me"
Granted, he let Kamui get closer than anyone else, let the younger man actually touch him, but he showed no preference, no reaction to contact. It was just something that happened, and Subaru took it stoically enough to please ancient philosophers. It was the stoicism that drove Kamui mad. He wanted a reaction. He wanted to know whether or not the other man was disgusted, repelled, or pleased. It was hard to share ones bed with a bodhisattva. Duty had called Subaru back from the edge, and it was to duty he clung. There had been something there, at some point, pleased gasps of pleasure in the night, clinging hands, gentle kisses...The intensity of emotion had faded, leaving a porcelain statue of a man in Subaru's place.
Paper tucked under one arm Subaru returned to Kamui's side, a trained hound returning to its master. He laid one gloved hand on Kamui's arm, a lover's motion from a much more reserved time. It was charming. It was polite. It was infuriating. Kamui snatched his arm away, hoping to see some sort of emotion, some sort of hurt or unease in Subaru's calm eyes.
Nothing. Why the hell did he even bother? He was getting nothing from this emotional eunuch.
"It's over
There's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can say
To keep me here
It's over
You say we're just friends
We're playing pretend to keep me here"
"Did you want to get some tea?" Subaru's quiet voice caressed Kamui's ear, reminding him of dark rooms and loving embraces. The things he missed most. "I believe that was the plan for this afternoon?"
"I don't really want any…"
"Then let me treat you to some ice cream. I have never seen you turn that down." There was a crooked sort of smile on Subaru's face, one that lingered on delicate lips but never made it through aristocratic facial features or all the way up to mismatched eyes.
Hell. It was better than nothing…
"Sure."
Subaru took one of Kamui's hands in his own, kissed it chastely, then moved to lead the way to the ice cream parlor Kamui favored. 'You will most likely try and order my favorite flavor again, that damn unreadable look on your face. You are going through the motions, Subaru, but there isn't anyone home up there. You are not getting anything from this interaction, and you are giving nothing new.' Kamui frowned, and moved to follow his partner. He wouldn't call Subaru his lover. Not anymore. It implied too much that just wasn't there.
"Every night I lay in bed
I think about the things you said
Look around, I'm the one, your only
Look around it still kills me"
The nights really were the worst. Kamui either had to suffer with Subaru in his bed, with the continually grating playacting at being a lover, or he lay alone with the knowledge that the other man was curled on the couch, most likely reading. 'What the hell happened, Subaru. You drifted away. I watched it happen…but I didn't know what to do. You were so unhappy…all I did was try to help. Dammit, you came back to me, you came back to ME. Why the hell do I feel like I am dragging you through some sort of personal hell every second you are awake? I thought I was helping. I thought you were at least happy here with me. At least a little. I didn't know someone could bleed to death internally from a mental hurt. Not like this. I know how close I came, that once, but you were there to help me. I thought I could do the same for you. I thought I was. A bit. Dammit, man. I can't believe I am in love with someone who might as well be dead. That's what you want, isn't it? You lose the one great love, and now nothing else will do. I'm fucking sick of playing second to the memory of that bastard.'
In bed, at night, Kamui would curl in on himself, trying hard not to cry, to howl in anguish and anger. He knew how much Subaru hated being there, knew it. And gods it hurt. Oh did it hurt…
"It's over, To keep me here
Doesn't anyone care?"
And then deceptively lean, strong arms would circle around him as the bed dipped in response to added weight as Subaru pulled him up against his chest. "I'm sorry." Subaru would whisper into Kamui's hair, one vulnerable instant; one moment of pure Subaru before the walls would go up again. He would hold Kamui, rock him gently as the younger man cried himself to sleep, and then he would take his own turn at crying when no one was awake to see.
"Everybody's watching you and counting down your every move
Look around when your heartbeat's empty
Look around if it's guilty"
And the days were all the same; a man miming domestic life, mimicking a memory of what it was to be in love, and another man too painfully, angrily in love to tell the other to get the hell out. Kamui, in his more quiet moments, would try to convince himself that Subaru would get better, that he just needed to get over the massive hurt left by Seishiro's love, betrayal, and death. He longed for the intense nights, the little affectionate instances of the days, the general feeling of being with someone. He didn't need the support anymore, didn't need the comfort. He had grown beyond that. He genuinely wanted Subaru around, wanted what anyone romantically involved want; wanted to feel wanted in return.
"It's over
You say we're just friends
We're playing pretend to keep me here
It's over
There's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can say
To keep me here
It's over
You say we're just friends
It's almost the end"
Subaru would take his hand, give him flowers, share a bed with him at night, but he had retreated so far into his own mind, sealed away emotions that had been fucked with one too many times for even that strong of a mind to handle with grace. That quiet eloquence, that perfection of the role of polite lover, was more than Kamui could handle. He didn't need Subaru to take care of him, to be the quietly suffering savior. He did the only thing he could think of at the time.
He kicked Subaru out of the apartment they shared.
He was at least graced by genuine shock and hurt when he told Subaru to leave. That was something.
Then the faithful stoic packed his few bags without a word and walked out the door, planting one last lightly lingering kiss on Kamui's lips, whispering one last "I'm sorry."
"I'm outta here
It's over
I'm outta here"
'Damn it, Subaru. If you were so damn unhappy, why the hell did you stay?'