Disclaimer - if i owned them i wouldnt be working evening shifts in the mall during the christmas shopping season......

well! semester is over! which means more time for writing. at least in a perfect world. still have that pesky job to deal with...next installment of what has lovingly been labled the X!Angst fic is finished. i am desperately looking for someone to beta this thing. i am horrid at editing my own writing... ah well. song this time is "Counting Stars" by Sugarcult.

on with the fic. now with 80 percent more fluff!
-fireun

"Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should have said to you"

'Now what the hell am I supposed to do with him?' Kamui had managed to coax Subaru into the apartment, had gotten the door closed, and found himself standing, completely at a loss, braced against that very same door. Subaru stood dazed, blinking as if he were looking into bright light. Tears ambled down the man's thin face unacknowledged, which was somewhere between comforting and terrifying. It was good to see Subaru emote, but damn it….Subaru Sumeragi didn't cry. As if hearing Kamui's thoughts, the other man glanced over, shattered remnants of his mind gleaming amidst the tears in his eyes. It was a casual look, half over the shoulder, but it sent a shiver Kamui's spine. It was a terrifying expression, a complete lack of anything resembling sanity.

"Hey…Subaru. Why…don't you sit on the couch? I will get you come coffee."

The other man blinked a few times, and then moved over to the couch, his light footsteps silent on the carpet.

Kamui waited until Subaru was settled and apparently enthralled by the feel of the couch material under his hands, as he was stroking it as methodically as one would a cat. With a jerky motion that was half shiver and half shrug he turned to the kitchen to make some coffee.

There was something soothing about brewing coffee. It was a speck of normalcy in a vast pile of confusion, and Kamui clung to it with a pit bulls tenacity. Dark and strong, Subaru drank the bitter stuff with the determination of a patient taking medicine, but it always seemed to soothe him. The machine brewed faster than normal, as Kamui was only preparing a cup as opposed to a full pot, so it was only a few minutes before he was carrying a steaming mug out to his errant partner. He handed the mug over with awkward familiarity, almost shy, and watched Subaru seemed to wander back to reality for an instant. He closed his eyes, inhaled the rich aroma of fresh coffee deeply, then sipped lightly.

"It really is an acquired taste." He muttered voice rough and uncertain.

"Subaru?" Kamui leaned forward, intent.

Subaru tilted his head to the side, almost birdlike in his regard, then smiled that broken smile he had so often tried to reassure Kamui with back in the beginning. It was stiff and self-conscious, but it was a hint of Subaru. He huddled over his cup of coffee, uncertain in a way that was reassuring as well as heartbreaking in its vulnerability.

Kamui sighed, then settled close to the other man, taking careful note of how Subaru shook slightly every few seconds. "Hey, Subaru…it's alright. Do you want me to go? Give you some space or something?"

That was apparently the wrong suggestion. Subaru's eyes widened, some wire crossing in the back of brain as he interpreted Kamui's question as a bizarre rejection. A sob hurled its way out from the back of his throat and the coffee fell to the rug with a thud and splash, swiftly soaking into the rich material. Appalled, Subaru dropped his head into his hands and clenched it, tightly. "I'm sorry." He whispered frantically to himself.

"Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again"

Kamui blinked, taken aback. This was not at all what he expected when he took Subaru back into their apartment. Yes, he had wanted some sort of emotional feedback from the other man, but this seemed a bit… excessive. Subaru sat, shaking his head, his whole body quivering. He hadn't wanted this, not really.

He wanted arms around him, quiet breathing in his ear, and warm breath on his neck. He wanted his lover back… "…back" In the echo of his words Kamui realized that he had spoken aloud. Afraid he would upset Subaru further he bit down on his lip, anxious.

Eyes like boiled glass met his, unblinking. "I fucked it up again."

Kamui flinched. Subaru had never really…well, cussed like that. At least not around him. "Hey…it's ok. I was just thinking aloud I guess."

"I…I wasn't thinking. It…it just…I don't know. It hurts. I didn't want it to. I didn't. Didn't want to hurt you instead though. I fucked it up. Didn't realize I was hurting you. Was hurting me too, I just didn't notice…" Subaru was babbling, which was a step above catatonic shock at least. "I spilled coffee on the rug…"

That shook a laugh out of Kamui before he had even processed a wry sort of amusement. Trust Subaru to try to be practical in a situation like this. "Yeah, it's going to stain. I think we are going to have to replace the rug. Or find a table or chair or something to sit on top of it."

"We could move the couch…"

"You aren't moving anything." Kamui snapped as Subaru started to stand. He was afraid the other man would use the activity to gather his dignity and walls and withdraw again. There must have been quite a bit of venom in his voice, as Subaru twitched to a halt, half standing.

"Hey, I'll take this day by day by day
Under the covers I'm okay I guess
Life's too short and I feel small"

Kamui could have kicked himself. He was such a short-tempered idiot sometimes. Frustration, unhappiness- it all made him moody as a schoolgirl and cranky as hell. And right now he was tired on top of it all. "Subaru. Sit down. Neither the coffee or the rug is going anywhere, and there sure as hell isn't a way for you to clean the stain right now, so just let it be. Come and sit with me."

Subaru must have heard something in his voice, saw something in his face, for he collapsed back onto the couch, looking miserable for a whole new reason. It was still odd to see so many emotions slipping around Subaru's face, and they all had a rough edged raw sort of tension to them. Kamui took one look at the current reigning flavor, a bitterly sour guilt, and made a decision. Swinging his legs up onto the couch he settled back into a comfortably reclined position with a sigh.

Unfortunately for Subaru that put Kamui's head soundly onto his lap. He stiffened, uncertain as to exactly what was expected of him, what he was supposed to do next. Fortunately Kamui foresaw this little problem and thought to help the other man out. "Ya know, when we used to watch television like this you would run your hands through my hair." Kamui nuzzled against Subaru's thigh a bit, craving the physical contact. "I always like that."

It was a long, strained moment of absolute stillness and silence, and then Subaru's hand moved a little, trailing through Kamui's fine, silky hair.

Kamui decided it would be polite to ignore the warm tears he could feel hitting the side of his face as Subaru decided to do a decades worth of crying in one evening. The other man was there, actually there for the first time in far too long. It seemed too much of a danger to remind him of that right then.

"Counting stars again
Counting stars again
Counting stars again
Counting stars again
Counting stars again…"

Animegoil - there really do need to be more darling boys in real life!

Shinzona - since my even continuing this was due mostly to your review...thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadako Sumeragi - i hope you are still enjoying!