Disclaimer: the only thing i own is the angst i force upon the poor guys,
well, this appears to be it. the happiest conclusion i could come to with what i started with. again, i really dont ever seeing Kamui and Subaru as being a happy, healthy couple. the psychology just isnt there. what i see them having is amazing, mostly in that Kamui didnt kick Subaru out sooner, but Subaru is a rather...broken character. one of my favorites, and i love him to death, but the poor kid has been through more than a mind can handle with any sort of panache. hence, the angst. hope you all enjoyed wading through with mass of angst and insanity. thanks so much for the reviews and the demands that i keep writing this one. it really expanded it into something neat! lyrics this final time are from "Disorder" by Goldfinger.
-fireun
"My little story's
growing way too long
i've had to suffer
enough to write this song
and if i get the chance
i'll tell you how it feels
cause in this sick old head
the pain is way to real"
He was glad Kamui was quiet, was glad he didn't want to talk. Honestly, Subaru didn't know if he was capable of coherent speech at the current moment. There was something wrong with him, so desperately wrong. All he wanted to do was flee back out into the early morning, which he knew was a bad idea, knew it wouldn't make anything better. He had just come in, come home, and while he knew he wasn't happy, the soft sighs Kamui breathed out every now and then in response to his hesitant stroking warmed something in him.
Maybe it was the fact that he didn't want to admit that the sound of the young mans voice sent something warm and fluttery through his stomach and up his spine. It was a brilliant anticipation, but what for he was unclear about. He just knew he didn't like it. It raised a horde of associations and memories in the murky depths of his mind, and none of them remained pleasant for very long.
'Seishiro…' He mouthed the name, almost frantic and more than a little reverent, as he had been years ago.
"so i fall down
i don't know
if i can make it up this time"
Kamui felt, more than heard, Subaru breath out that name, recognized it from nights and nights of restless sleep and horrific nightmares. He pretended not to notice, as he did when the other man whimpered it in his sleep, cried out in a pitiful voice. This at least was familiar, had rules and precedent. It was a familiar piece of that life they had shared, and even though the circumstance was altered, it was something that Kamui knew how to handle. This was his Subaru; unhappy as all hell, but tangible, tactile…
He knew how to handle this.
He pulled his face from its comfortable place on Subaru's lean thighs, leaned his forehead against Subaru's, paused a moment so the other man could register his presence, then brushed a kiss against lips swollen from where Subaru had bit them. They were warm, tasted lightly of salt from tears and an odd bit of blood. It had been awhile since there had been such honest hesitation in Subaru, almost virginal anxiety, and it was exhilarating and endearing all at once. There was something honest in Subaru's unsteady expelled breath that had been missing, something human.
"I know i want to but it gets
harder every time
and if it's easier
to give up everything
i'd give it all to you
to relieve half this pain"
It was a gentle, almost hesitant kiss; more of an exploration and tasting than any sort of show of sexuality or even affection, and it sent streaks of ice down Subaru's spine. It was like being cornered and having ones only desire presented all at the same time, a confection of longing and terror blended perfectly. He could smell soda on Kamui's breath; taste the sugar lightly on the younger mans lips. It was almost alien even thought he knew he had tasted this many times before…
Seishiro had always tasted like smoke and coffee, a combination that should never have been as enticing as it had proved to be.
A sharply indrawn breath…past infringing on present…a mind losing its delicate handle on reality…it was too much; exactly what he had been trying to avoid, shutting out.
He didn't want…couldn't….
"Hey, Subaru." The words were whispered against his throat, raising gooseflesh partially out of pure sensory appreciation, and partially through panic. "Subaru. Trust me."
It really did sound easy, it should have been effortless. Of all the people in the world, Kamui was least likely to hurt him, betray him…Seishiro had been the same way once.
'You adorable idiot.'
That voice again, haunting and exasperated. A beaming smile on an older face leaning in close for a teasing kiss…a shit-eating grin on a younger man leaning close to nip his earlobe…past and present really did have a talent for getting in each others way- especially in the case of one Subaru Sumeragi.
"cause it's been hard
yeah it's been hard"
The gentle kisses continued, tracing a path along his cheekbones, his neck, and while the butterflies continued the tension began to ease. It was a different time, a different place. The only ghosts here were the ones flitting unabashedly through his own fairly fragmented mind, was his fragmented mind. It was never easy to admit, especially to yourself, that your psyche was more than a little unsteady. Subaru had never really thought of himself as a particularly proud man, but this was a blow to what pride he had. He didn't want to need anyone, not again…and that itself was a symptom of the overwhelming disease.
But…there was something intense in the way Kamui pulled him close, nipped lightly at the nape of his neck, something that was firmly in the here and now and refused to be ignored. Gooseflesh pulled his skin taut as Kamui massaged his shoulders, urging stress and fear to back down and quiet. Every nerve seemed to be working overtime, and it was only half way due to an overworked fight or flight response.
He wanted to be here, in this place in these arms. He needed to be there as well, demanding comfort and giving whatever the other needed. This was his home. With a breath that shuddered out of his thin, almost emaciated, chest Subaru reached down and pulled Kamui's face upwards, so as to press his lips fiercely onto the other mans, spine tingling as Kamui growled quietly in appreciated and anticipation.
"i sit there at the bar
i wonder what i've done
should i just fuck it all
or should I go back home
cause if i take that drink
i might as well just die
and if i kill myself
i'd be giving up my try"
It wasn't ever going to be perfect. Hell, half the time it wasn't even good, but it was something that was shared, a desperate sort of grasping between two people who had endured far beyond the much quoted slings and arrows of fate. They had, in one way or another, refused to lay down and die when the opportunity presented itself. There was a definite strength there, and an understanding.
Kamui pulled the now sleeping Subaru a little closer, reassuring himself on some basic, tactile level that the other man was there. Life was a bitch and then you die, or gather up the remnants of what she has left you like a tattered cloak and keep walking. Kamui breathed a kiss against Subaru's pale, delicate skin, breathed in the earthy scent of herbal tea that always clung to the other man. Neither of them had decided dying was any sort of viable option, not when obligation and deep affections keep them struggling onward. Subaru nuzzled against him, deep in an emotionally exhausted breed of sleep and unwilling to make any other concessions towards conscious appreciation of Kamui's presence. One lean leg wrapped over Kamui, catching his own limbs in the crook of Subaru's knee as the older man shifted a bit more before settling back into unmoving sleep.
"…and if it's easier
to give up everything
i'd give it all to you
to relieve half this pain…."
This was never going to be perfect, but right now it was as close to heaven as Kamui dared to dream of. Subaru's warmth, Subaru's gentle breathing, and an apartment that was a palace as far as he was concerned. Subaru needed him, he needed Subaru…that in itself was enough to get him settled down with a deep huff of breath to sleep, his arms wrapped tightly around his lover.
"Cause it's been hard…"
-ende.-