Raspberry Heaven
'If It Wasn't You'
It was... strange.
Death clung to the place like a second skin, the leaves dead, the bark dead, the grass dead. And yet there they were...
"Hey Rinoa..."
"Yeah?"
"If you could live anywhere you wanted to... or..." Yuffie paused, lips parted, waiting for the words to come. "Or... if you could make your life perfect... where would you go?"
"Umm..." Rinoa's legs swung back and forth, the denim stretched across her thighs scratching lightly against the rough surface of the fallen tree they sat on. They sat in the forest of some once-upon-a-time place and they took their time about leaving. Outside of the forest was nothing more than the real world and the real world held nothing for either of them.
At least... That was how Yuffie had thought it'd been.
"Doesn't matter where you go. Happiness doesn't come with something like that!" Rinoa grinned, proud with her answer, flippant to the point where the words were nothing less than Rinoa's very finest.
But that particular time it wasn't good enough for Yuffie. She pouted, pressing on determinedly with, "That's no fair! Come on, Rinoa... Pretend for a minute that location was important or something. Or... I don't know. You gotta gimme something more than that!"
The forest fell into silence and the once-upon-a-time threatened to drift back into the here-and-now. Then Rinoa giggled, tucking her arms behind her and hopping off of their fallen branch, spinning on her heel to face Yuffie once more as said simply, "I'd go to the water. With you."
x x x
"Where's Cloud?! What are--?? Why are--??"
"Rinoa, where are you?!" The words came out before Yuffie could bottle them up and tuck them away. Leon winced unconsciously, suddenly find himself debating whether to take the phone to prevent further damage... or... just... let things happen as they were bound to do.
"Yuffie, please. Put Cloud on the phone."
"NO! Dammit, I'm not giving the fucking phone to anyone! I want to talk with you, Rinoa. I want to talk to you like normal people do." Quickly Yuffie added, "So don't hang up on me" for good measure. Because really, phones are very untrustworthy. It's just their nature. Yuffie knew this and her grip on the silver little electronic tightened, afraid to even let it part from her eat for a fraction of a moment.
"..." There was a small burst of static from the phone, probably nothing more than a little sigh coming from Rinoa. She used to sigh like that... I remember, I remember! When she didn't get her way she'd always--
"Okay, Yuffie. ...I... I'm sorry." Another pause, another sigh. "Listen, I..."
"Yes?" The girl hasn't talked to me in nearly a year and this is what she gives me? Sheesh. What the hell did I do wrong??
"Okay," she said again, her voice quiet but firm as she continued with, "We'll meet up somewhere. ...I want to see you."
"Yay!" Another burst of excitement and rush of adrenaline far beyond Yuffie's shaky amount of control. "I mean... uh.... That's good to hear. Um... where would be a good place for you?"
"It doesn't matter. Somewhere private would be... good..."
Hehehehehe... Private. Hehehehehe...
"My apartment! Can you make it to Dussel Street? It's the apartment complex on the corner and my room's 229. Will that work? Does that work?"
Yuffie was well aware of the desperate tone in her voice. She was well aware of it as Rinoa agreed and they both bade a quick farewell over the phone, Yuffie hurriedly snapping the lid of the cell phone shut and tossing it back on top of Cloud's forgotten jacket. She was well aware of it... but she didn't really care. It was Rinoa she was going to go see! Finally! The whole reason she'd left--
"Yuffie."
Halfway to the door, Yuffie paused at the soft sound of Leon's voice. It wasn't dripping with sarcasm or biting with the normal cold tone with which he usually spoke. It almost sounded...
Worried...
"Are you... forgetting about Kairi then?"
Wham.
"What are you talking about?! I... we... I never... she..." Godammit! "How dare you! I'm not screwing around with her, okay?! Why does everyone think that?!" And what fucking right does he have nosing into my personal business anyway?? "We're friends, okay? Like you and Cloud are friends, okay?? God, Leon."
"It was just a question," he murmured in that eerie and subdued voice. He glanced cautiously up at the seething girl in front of him before steadily saying, "I think you have feelings for her, Yuffie... and... she has them for you, too."
"Well fuck you, Leon. Okay? Fuck. You. Because you have absolutely no grounds to go off giving me advice on how to live my life. Especially when it comes to interacting with other people, a topic on which, need I remind you, you are desperately lacking in experience."
And it happened like that. The door to the Polar Eclipse slammed so hard that the walls shuddered and shivered, scared of the burst of rage that had just flickered in their midst. Leon leant against one of the many scattered tables and let out his own small sigh, watching Yuffie's hurriedly retreating form fade into the darkness of the night surrounding the restaurant.
If she'd only known.
x x x
At the same approximate time that the metal door of the Polar Eclipse slammed into place, glass quaking in its steel framing, Cloud had come to one final and solid decision.
"I think... I need more ice cream."
"But you've had three cones already..." Kairi started. She was shocked that the blonde chef was capable of packing so much ice cream away in his tiny figure. It was just simply... inhuman, dammit.
"Okay, okay. Okay. OKAY. Okay." Drumming his fingers against the table, Cloud's bottom lip was drawn into a pout, his eyebrows knitting together over big blue eyes as he thought and thought and thought. Finally, Cloud came to another groundbreaking decision. "OKAY!"
"Okay what? What's okay??"
"Okay. Okay, here's what's gonna happen. You, my fine femme friend, are going to take action! Tonight!"
During the past hour or so, Kairi had mentally come to her own conclusions as well. One of them revolved around the idea that Cloud was capable of becoming drunk off of sugar. Not just going into a sugar high, but flat out drunk. Tipsy. Floored. Smashed. Just drunk.
As her friend staggered to his feet, one hand waving around as the other came crashing down on the table in what was probably supposed to be a gesture of determination, Kairi could only find more and more evidence to back this one little belief up. Over and over again.
"I shall give you her address, fair lady! Hehehe! Then you can scamper on off to her apartment, appear in a blaze of glory and shiny... light... things... and profess your undying love to the lady Yuffie! It's shamshing!"
"...I'm going to assume you meant to say 'smashing' there..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay!" Whipping out a pen from his pocket, Cloud grabbed a napkin from the table and scrawled hurriedly on it before slapping it into Kairi's hand and grinning like a fool. "Then you guys can get hooked and have sex and be happy!"
"Cloud, I'm only sixteen.'
"Hahaha! You're so prude! I lost my virginity when I was fifteen!"
"I don't need to be hearing this!"
"You're right, m'lady. Hurry! There's not a moment to lose!"
With that, Cloud flew to the other side of the table, grabbing the back of Kairi's chair and whisking both girl and chair over towards to door, much to Kairi's alarm.
"Cloud, what are you--?!"
"Hurry! Hurry, hurry! You don't wanna keep it in anymore!"
"Okay, okay!" Half falling, half flying out of the spindly little chair, it was all Kairi could do to stifle her laughter as she faced Cloud, one hand resting on the door, the other clutching the napkin he'd so forcefully given her. "I'll go," she said with a smile.
"Yay!"
"But Cloud?"
"Yeah?"
"Do me a favor."
"Sure!"
"Go back to the Polar Eclipse. Have Leon drive you home with him."
"Got it. Leon drives me all the way home."
"...Ye-ah." Pulse ringing in her ears, Kairi allowed herself a small chuckle as she pushed open the door with the last words of, "And thanks, Cloud."
"Never a problem! Have fun, kiddo!"
As the jingle of bells was engulfed by the atmosphere enclosed within the small ice cream parlor, one single solitary string of sound penetrated the thickness of it all. Clap, clap, clap, clap. Raising an eyebrow, Cloud slowly turned around to face the woman who stood behind the counter, clapping slowly and steadily, a small wry grin pulled across her faintly aged face.
"Huh. You sure can put up a pretty good act, bub. That's one hell of a sugar-high you faked."
"Yeah, well, I figured if I was eccentric enough... I dunno. Maybe she'd get caught up in the moment, right?"
x x x
Lights sorta-but-not-noticeably dim? Check.
Couch pillows arranged neatly? Check.
Scented candle burning, hair brushed, perfume on... Check, check, check.
Yuffie had pulled on a worn pair of brown --tight, but not too tight-- pants and a black sweater, warm, soft, comfortable... Everything she could remember of Rinoa wrapped around her body in a pleasant snuggling embrace.
It was getting late outside, shadows cast every which way from the light of the streetlamps as they glowed merrily away, insects flitting about their radiance in drunken loops and zigzags. Had Yuffie not been so anxious, maybe she would have taken some sort of slight enjoyment from the entire display the night had to offer. But as it was, the footsteps down the hall chose that moment to draw closer, the doorbell chose that moment to ring, and Yuffie...
"Coming!"
Yuffie shot clear across the room, nearly colliding with the apartment door as she fumbled with the doorknob, sucking it a deep breath of air before pulling the wood towards her, trying to steel herself for the impact (not of the door, for once) of what stood across the other side.
"Hey Yuffie."
x x x
Dussel, Dussel, Dussel... Oh, come on. I've been downtown tons of times... Where the hell is it?
There!
x x x
Perfect. A snapshot taken straight out of Yuffie's memory, Rinoa stood before her at that very moment as though not a day had gone passed and not a single thing had changed from one greeting to the other, one farewell to the next. Black hair hung down past her shoulder in straight and shining waves, a small smile pulling at the edges of the girl's mouth.
And really, it was all Yuffie could do to keep herself from clinging to the blast from the past standing in front of her. Instead, all she could do was squeak out something vaguely along the lines of "Rinoa!" and shuffle back and forth from foot to foot, her fingers dancing invisible patterns through the air. What do you do when you feel like you've been separated from someone for so long that you just want to fuse yourself to their body so they never go away again?
"You can hug me, I don't break."
And so that was what Yuffie did, pulling Rinoa in out of the hallway as she did so, a ridiculous grin on her face as the words tumbled out one right after another.
"I haven't seen you in forever! You look great! I mean, you always looked great. Haha, it's not like I was expecting you to look bad or anything, but really I just... I just... I've missed you!"
And then the pause...
"...Wait a sec. What the...?" Yuffie stood on her tiptoes and peered over Rinoa's shoulder, feeling and hearing the ghost of another sigh brush past her face as she did so. "...Rinoa, are you babysitting for a living? Because there is a baby in your backpack. ...Thing. Whatever this strange thingy on your back is."
"Yuffie... um... Do you think we could sit down for a minute?"
...Why are you being so quiet?
"Sure... Um... Okay." Yuffie motioned towards the overstuffed-yet-slightly-battered sofa tucked up against the wall, following Rinoa's example and plopping down amidst its cushions, rambling on as she did so. "I mean... It's okay if you're babysitting and all. It's not like it's a bad thing or anything. I mean, somebody's gotta do it and all."
"That's... what... I wanted to talk to you about."
This isn't like you at all... What's wrong?
"O-kaaay... Fire when ready?"
Rinoa gave her a small smile, sliding the straps of her 'backpack' off her shoulders and carefully setting it on the ground. Tucked within the safety belt and warm blanket of the pack slept a small figure, bundled in the traditionally oversized baby garments that were easy to come by. Fuzz of blonde hair, eyelashes light enough to be nearly invisible, tiny hands clutching at the soft fabric engulfing her small body.
Reaching down and gently unbuckling the straps that held the baby in place, Rinoa smiled as the closed eyelids fluttered open, brilliant green eyes blinking sleepily at the enormous world they found themselves in as Rinoa whispered, "Good morning, Ryo. This is Yuffie."
It was the sort of voice that Yuffie had heard in that once-upon-a-time place. It was so soft and yet so strong that it became simply indescribable. There was something beneath it that was too deep to gauge and too never-ending to measure. And as Rinoa lifted Ryo onto her lap and her eyes once again met Yuffie's, it began to fall into place...
"That's... that's... your... baby?"
One simple nod and the most radiant green Yuffie had ever seen. Not coming from one person, but two people who were so deeply intertwined that no logic could ever figure out their bond.
"Yeah. Ryo's my daughter."
x x x
There's the apartment... Phew. Well... Aww man. It's getting late... No! Wait, wait! No! No turning back now. There. Flowers. I'll bring flowers. Who can say no to flowers?
That's not the point.
What's the point?
I'm stalling.
Stop stalling.
Get going!
x x x
"...Oh... my... GOD."
Panic.
"No way! That's not-- Are you serious?! That's not even-- But we're-- There's no way we could have--"
"Yuffie, wait!"
"It doesn't make any sense! You're a... I'm a... There's no way we could have... Is she why you left?! Why didn't you tell me?! I don't even--"
"Yuffie!"
Silence, but still, panic. Panic rolling off of Yuffie, panic reflected in Rinoa's eyes, and a calm and curious wonder settling across Ryo's slight form, petite hands grasping at her clothing, small mouth jutting out into a pout. Absolute confusion, really, from everyone.
"I wanted to tell you, Yuffie... I just..."
"You just what?? Rinoa, you were pregnant and you didn't even--"
"Because I was scared, okay?!" Rinoa wrapped her arms securely around her daughter, pulling her close much like a small child would cling to a teddy bear or some such thing. "You were everything to me and I didn't want to lose you..."
"...When did... you... find out?"
"...A few months before we left."
"But we'd been together for almost a year by then."
"...I know."
"..." Yuffie's gaze dropped from Rinoa, who suddenly refused to meet her eyes. Instead, both of them focused on the bundle of sin in her lap, sweet and innocent, damned and hated, but absolutely oblivious to the turmoil she was causing. Ryo just crinkled her nose and scrunched up her face, not enjoying the silence and not enjoying the atmosphere in the room that crackled and exploded in tiny fits of misunderstanding and regret.
"I'm sorry."
"That's it?"
"...Yuffie, please..."
"Well what? Am I supposed to say it's okay now, I love you, you're forgiven? Is that what you really wanna hear, Rinoa??"
"No! I just want to even the score between us!"
"Is that why you're here??"
"Well isn't that why you're here?"
Yuffie's glare hardened and she folded her arms, her stare shooting off away from picture-perfect mother and daughter. "No. I came to get you back."
"I can't go back. Not to where we were before. Not now."
"Why??"
"Because I have her."
Once again, Ryo was the center of the picture. The missing little link Yuffie had been looking for so long and hadn't really wanted to find at all. Rinoa took a shaky deep breath and began to explain.
x x x
God, how many stairs are there in this place? It just goes on and on...
Sigh.
x x x
"You really meant everything to me Yuffie. When I started seeing you, it was like... I don't know. We just really fit together, you know? And I didn't want to ruin that. Please, please believe that, if nothing else. I never meant to destroy us and what we had.
"But it got to this point where... It felt like when I wasn't around you or when I couldn't be around you.... There was just this hole. And even sometimes when I was with you it wasn't enough. I know it was selfish and stupid and... God, I can't even begin. I know it was a horrible thing, but... It was just... I had this thinking where if I had you, I could have more. Because having more must have been a good thing... I don't know.
"Seifer was there. And... he... I knew he didn't love me. And I didn't love him. We still cared about each other and so we each wanted to see the other happy... I guess we thought it was the only way to do that. And I'm sorry I cut you up in the process."
"You cheated on me with Seifer?"
"I'm sorry."
"So you... Wait." Yuffie groaned, squeezing her eyes shut tight and rubbing her temples as she tried to sort it all out. Go away, go away, go away. Give me back my Rinoa... "You were going out with me and you were sleeping with me while you were sleeping with Seifer. And somewhere along the way...?"
"Ryo."
"...An accident?"
"You could call her that, but I'd sort of rather you... not." Offering a hesitant small smile that, sadly, was unreturned, Rinoa heaved a small sigh and continued, playing with the stray fibers of Ryo's small fleece blanket. "When I found out Seifer was leaving, I didn't know if I was happy or sad. Him leaving would mean I could stop what I was doing with him and be faithful to you, but... Then I found out about Ryo.
"I didn't want her to grow up wondering who her father was. That's... just no way for a kid to grow up, you know? So that's why I left with him when he got this job offer from Sephiroth."
"And Cloud..."
"He's Ryo's babysitter."
At that, Cloud couldn't help himself. He made a sour face and spat, "You're not my mother, Leon! I'm allowed to go--"
"I'm not finished. Shut up." Cloud did. Leon continued. "You say all these things about how much you care and how much love you have. But then you're off with... Sephiroth within the hour." Leon had to force his voice into submission, refusing to let his manner give into the sadness that had been gnawing away at some part of him for quite some time. "You expect me to take you seriously, but how can I when you do all that?"
"Leon, there's nothing there between Sephiroth and--"
"Then what is it?!" Leon exclaimed, his control fraying and becoming tattered, swallowing as he tried to continue in a more calm and collected tone. "What is it then, Cloud? What makes you run away and then snarl and hiss at me for doing the same?"
"If I tell you... You can't tell anyone, Leon. I mean it. Everyone'll flip if they find out and it really won't be good..."
"...Oh."
Silence swallowed the room whole. Ryo waited patiently and had Yuffie not been suddenly weighted down by so many things, she would have wondered how such a quiet and calm baby could ever exist on the face of the earth. Instead, she asked, "Why Seifer?"
"...What?"
"Why him? Why couldn't you stay with me? Why couldn't you get an abortion?? Why didn't you have Ryo and put her up for adoption? Why did you go through with all this??" Why aren't you mine anymore?!
"Because... Ryo... She... she's the person who filled that empty spot." Rinoa shrugged slightly, smiling down at her tiny daughter who, in turn, gave Yuffie a small baby smile, lacking in teeth and lacking the terms of a full-blown grin, but a smile nonetheless. "I can't really explain it. She just... I don't think there's any kind of feeling that runs deeper than this. It's not passion or love or... I don't know. I don't know what it is. I can't even describe it.
"Ryo is the person who makes my life stable so I'm not running around like crazy anymore. I know you don't want children, Yuffie, so don't even start." She grinned, almost close to a small chuckle, pearly teeth gleaming in the warm glow coming from the ceiling light of Yuffie's apartment. "You're you, Yuffie. You aren't the type of person who should be tied down to kids. Not yet."
x x x
Two-twenty-six...
Two-twenty-seven...
Two-twenty-eight...
x x x
"And what about Kairi? Cloud's told me about her..." Rinoa looked up to see Yuffie's reaction. She wanted to find the telltale blush, the small and possibly timid smile if she was lucky. She wanted to see Yuffie happy again and she wanted to know that the other girl would get back up and recover from everything that she'd suddenly discovered.
But what she found was quite the opposite.
x x x
Here it--
Huh?
...The door's... open...
x x x
"I don't care about Kairi, dammit! Why would people think that? She is my friend, she is... she's... She's Kairi! What I have for her is a crush, Rinoa. It is a stupid, silly little crush. It's the type of feeling kids get for one another and they tell secrets about it and giggle and laugh about it. What I feel for you is fucking love. There is a huge difference and for some reason neither you nor anyone else seems to get it. So let me make it simple. I. LOVED. YOU. I don't know if I still can or if I still do or if I ever, ever will want to again, but I did! It was there and it was real and whatever is between Kairi and me...
"Whatever that is, it is not REAL!"
Tears brimming in her eyes and palms stinging from the fingernails that bit through the flesh, hands clenched painfully into fists, Yuffie finally finished. Damn did it hurt like hell, but it was out. Finally, it was all gone. That must have been the most painful fifteen minutes of my entire life.
And yet no sooner was it all over and the scars had already begun the slow process of healing...
"Yuffie..."
All it took was one look at Rinoa and a turn of the head, following her shocked gaze. All it took was a glance at the white-sneaker-clad feet, the jeans, the tanktop, the tips of auburn hair, and the face of a person who had just had their heart blown into a million little bits and pieces.
I know that expression...
Wait...
I know that face.
"Kairi, wait!"
But fate being what it was, she was already gone. And fate being what it was, by the time Yuffie had even reached her apartment door, the slam of the door from the apartment lobby had already reached her ears.
x x x
It's cold...
It's dark...
I wish I was home...
"Kairi, where have you been?!"
"We were worried sick about you!"
"I thought you were more responsible than that."
"What have you been doing?"
"When did you get out of work?"
"Where did you go?"
"What did you do?"
"Who were you with?"
"GO TO YOUR ROOM."
I wonder why it hurts so much?
(x) (x) (x)
Okay, so. First of all, I'd like to explain why I've been gone for the past million weeks. I'll keep it short and simple. I broke my fingers and couldn't type, then when I could it either hurt too much or I made too many mistakes and just got frustrated as hell. But now they're almost completely healed and I'm back. So ta da!
Soooo... feedback anyone? ...Anyone surprised or anything? Shock, sympathy... something?
--Ori