Two guards in Gingerbread men suits walked the hallways, eyes alert, candy cane throwing weapons loaded. Their fingers held tight to the triggers, ready to open fire should anyone threaten Santa's workshop. The pair were diligent in their rounds, leaving no cookie unturned. Ginger and Fred, as the pair were called, were among Santa's finest.
However, they were not among Santa's smartest. As they rounded the corner, they heard a very sweet female voice whistle at them. They spun around, weapons armed, to find Himiko standing behind them, a big red bow on her head. "Hey, boys. You look tasty," she smiled at them, winking.
Fred blushed furiously. "She's making me feel like I'm back in the oven!" he stammered.
"Stay on your guard," the mixed-gender named Ginger shouted. "She's the one we're supposed to capture!"
Fred rubbed his head with one costumed hand. "Wasn't there a guy we were supposed to capture as well?"
As if to answer their question, a Christmas tree came tumbling down on top of the soldier's heads, sending them sprawling to the ground and knocking them both unconscious. Akabane, peering out from behind a giant present box, grinned over at Himiko. "Oh, dear, it looks like someone cut the tree trunk! Whoever could have done such a thing?"
Himiko rolled her eyes, running over to the guards. "Quickly, get their costumes off and help me tie them up!" she said, handing scotch tape and ribbon to Akabane. Within a few moments, the pair had reduced the guards down to their skivvies and stuffed them into a closet, bound tightly in gift wrap.
Himiko slipped into one of the costumes, zipping it up. "What's wrong?" she asked, looking over at Akabane.
"I can not fit into this," he insisted, looking pitifully at Himiko.
Himiko adjusted her costume. "I see what you mean. This is barely big enough to fit me, and the other one is pretty much the same size." She looked down at the weapon. "But I've got an idea."
She loosely bound Akabane's hands behind his back with gift wrap, in such a way that the restraints only looked as though they were capable of holding him. "There, now I'll say I've captured one of the spies and they'll take me straight to Santa. Then we can make him tell us where Ban and Ginji are!"
Akabane gave her a glance that indicated he was skeptical of her idea. "It is your plan, Lady Poison. I am only along for the ride."
She walked him over to an intercom and pushed the button. "This is… Ginger…" she said, reading off the nametag she was wearing. What a stupid name for a gingerbread man. "I've captured the male prisoner. Send someone to help escort him to the big jolly man."
---
Up in the main room of Santa's workshop, Ban and Ginji sat on the floor. They were rested in front of the fireplace, bound tightly in packing tape and gift wrap. Ban had been quietly attempting to wriggle free since they'd been brought there, but without any luck.
"Ginji, can you generate an electric field and draw those scissors over to us?" he whispered, struggling against the bonds. It had to be some kind of special reinforced tape, the way it refused to give.
"Scissors aren't attracted to magnets," Ginji answered pathetically. His legs were entirely wrapped in tape, and considering that he was wearing shorts and happened to have some volume of leg hair, he was sincerely NOT looking forward to attempting to remove the tape.
The door to the room opened and the Santa waddled in, followed by the guards in reindeer costumes, and… the elf who had hired them. The Get Backer's jaws nearly dropped in unison. "You were the inside agent!" Ban cried. If he could have, he would have pointed an accusing finger at her.
"I'm surprised. You two looked dumb enough for it to work, but I had almost expected the girl transporter to see through my ruse," she smiled.
"Why… why did you hire us if you're stealing the toys?" Ginji asked, wearing an expression of shock.
"To keep my bosses from becoming suspicious," she purred.
The Santa smiled. "I'm sure these boys are wondering about Santa's grand scheme, but we have to wait for their little friends to get here first." He looked down at his watch. "She should be here any second now."
With that, the door opened and Himiko, still wearing the gingerbread suit, was pushed out onto the rug. She let out a cry as she landed, a reindeer holding a candy cane weapon to her head.
"Himiko!" Ban cried, leaning forward to see if she was okay. He leaned too far and ended up falling face-first into the carpet, which didn't feel particularly good.
The Santa laughed. "Your ruse was clever, but as you can see, Santa Claus knows when you've been bad or good."
Ban managed to wriggle himself back into a seating position. "Himiko, are you all right?"
"I'm fine," she answered, glancing back at the reindeer holding a gun to her head. "But Jackal…"
"Akabane's here?" Ginji squeaked, trying to squeeze behind a present and hide.
"They figured out that we were trying to pull a trick on them. We tried to get away, but…"
In her mind, Himiko flashed back to herself and Akabane standing at the door, waiting. The door had slid open to reveal about twenty fully armed men in reindeer costumes. In the nanosecond before the reindeer had opened fire on them, Akabane had broken the bonds and pushed Himiko into a wall. As she'd impacted the wall, the last she'd seen of him, he'd had candy canes pierced into his back and arms, an army of reindeer dog-piling on top of him. Then, before she'd really known what was happened, she'd been snatched up and dragged to Santa's control center.
She returned to the present reality as Santa pushed a button, causing a huge projection image of mothers fighting over a toy. "Greed!" He declared, waving his arms. "This blessed holiday of goodwill and joy on Earth has been turned into a time of greed. Parents fighting to get children who deserve nothing but coal the top of the line toy so they can brag about it! Poor children going without food, let alone presents, as other children throw out half their presents because they don't want them!" He stomped down. "This isn't what Christmas is about! This isn't what the original Santa would have wanted!" he screamed.
The elf patted his arm and he calmed down, the bulging vein in his forehead reducing in size. "Thank you… thank you. Think about what a place Earth would be if every day were molded in the true image of Christmas. Giving instead of selfishness. Kindness to all men. The excitement of innocence, and children on their best behavior. International disagreements would be solved over cookies and milk." He walked over and pulled the cloth cover off a model. "This is why I've created the Holly Jollyfication machine! Tonight, at midnight, I will appear at Tokyo tower and broadcast the beam of the machine over all of Tokyo. I have implanted amplifiers in all the toys I've given out to children this holiday. The amplifiers will allow me to spread my message throughout all of Japan, and then with Japan behind me, the rest of the world! Mankind will live in harmony and the spirit of Christmas, and I will be their KING!" he announced, proudly thumping a mitten on his chest.
He looked down at Himiko. "And, of course, a king needs a queen," he smiled. "A spunky woman like you will make a beautiful Mrs. Claus!"
The elf suddenly looked crestfallen. "But Santa, I thought… I…"
"Oh, don't look so upset. You'll always be my right hand elf! But what I want in a partner, I don't want in a wife. Imagine how hard of a time I'd have running my kingdom if my prime minister kept running off because she had to bake cookies and tuck the kids in bed!"
The elf looked down at her curled shoes. "I… I understand… Santa…"
He patted her shoulder. "I knew you would."
"You're mad!" Ban shouted, interrupting the touching moment. "This Holly Jollification machine will never work! It's pure sci-fi!"
Santa turned off the projected image. "It won't, will it?" He picked up a tree-topper shaped microphone. "Bring me the test subject."
In a few moments, the door slid open, and two elves escorted Akabane back into the room. Himiko, Ban, and Ginji let out collective gasps of shock. His outfit had turned entirely red, white fur trim on the edge of his sleeves and flowing trench coat. His hat, which had also turned red, had a white fur puff hanging down the back and white around the brim. He maintained his usual white gloves, but they looked as though they were not made of fur instead of latex. His eyes were blank and he stared straight ahead.
"Tell me, who is your leader?" he asked.
"You are, Santa Claus," Akabane answered dully, his voice reduced down to monotone.
"And what do you value more than anything else in the world?" the Santa asked.
"The Christmas Spirit," Akabane answered, not blinking.
"What… what have you done to him?" Himiko squeaked, alarm in her eyes. The Santa reached up and picked her up by the back of her costume.
"The same thing I'm going to do to you, and the rest of the world." He answered, smiling.
"Let her go, you bastard!" Ban snarled, trying to leap at the Santa despite being bound. In one swift moment, Akabane had blocked him, razor-sharp glowing green Christmas trees held between his fingers.
"You may not sit on Santa's lap without permission," he answered, voice and eyes blank, holding the tree-blades to Ban's throat.
"Oh, he's a cute one," the elf smiled. "I might just keep that one for myself!"
"I'll make him your present when we return. For now, we have to go to Tokyo Tower to initiate our plans." Santa turned to Akabane. "You keep these two restrained here. I will let Mrs. Claus personally Holly-Jollify them when we return," he grinned wickedly. He turned to his reindeer guards. "Bring her to my helicopter!"
The guards nodded and dragged Himiko off. "Ban…" she whimpered in protest as she was pulled from the room, leaving Akabane alone with Ban and Ginji.
Ban looked at Ginji. Ginji looked at Ban. "We can take him," Ban mouthed silently.
"Ban-chan!" Ginji cried in return to Ban's comment. He turned around in time to see the Christmas trees slicing down at him. The blades cut within centimeters of his face, dicing open the wrapping paper binds. With a yawn, Akabane flicked a bunch of tree-blades over at Ginji, similarly slicing open his wrapping paper binds.
"Akabane… san?" Ginji asked, confused.
"I was not really Holly Jollified," he answered, assisting Ginji to his feet. "I merely had to suffer the indignity of having my clothing stolen. We should hurry now and rescue Lady Poison."
Ginji rubbed his legs, wondering if they would ever stop hurting. A few tears of pain ran down his face from the removal of the tape. "But if the Holly Jolly machine doesn't work, Himiko-chan will be safe."
Akabane reached up and pulled on his lower eyelid. "It did not work on me because the machine uses flashing red and green lights to hypnotize its victims, and I am red-green colorblind. I could not see the image. But for someone like Himiko-chan, who has a working copy of her X-chromosome…"
Ban threw off what remained of the ropes. "For once, I agree with Jackal. Let's Get Back Himiko!"
"Let's Get Back Christmas!" Ginji declared, pumping an arm in the air.
The three escaped Santa's office and tore down the hallway. "I don't get it," Ban shouted back to Ginji. "Where are all the guards?"
"They must have all gone to Tokyo Tower with Santa!" Ginji answered.
"That means that getting to them before midnight will be all the harder," Akabane answered, trying to read the map that he'd snatched from Santa's office. "The helicopter landing pad is this way."
"Let's go, we might be able to catch them before they take off," Ban declared, taking the lead.
They arrived on the landing pad just in time to see the helicopter lift into the sky. They tried to run after it, but even the fastest of the three couldn't catch something that went straight up into the air. Ginji, pausing, looked over the side of the building. "That's where everyone went!" he cried.
Akabane and Ban ran to the side of the building. A massive convoy of trucks was leaving the building, truck after truck. "Those must be the amplifier injected toys!" Ban hissed. "We have to stop as many as we can from leaving the building.
Akabane looked around, then spotted a giant candy cane prop. He lashed out with his weapons, slicing through the metal restraints holding the prop. With a sickening noise like the grinding of metal, the candy cane toppled over and into the path of the truck convoy. Several trucks smashed into it, causing a massive pile-up down below. "That will at least slow them down," he said.
"But now WE have no way of getting a vehicle out of this place to chase them!" Ban screamed at Akabane.
Ginji looked across the rooftop. "That's… not entire true, Ban-chan."
The two looked over until their gazes met Ginji's. There, sitting on the roof… was a sleigh hooked up to what appeared to be several rocket-powered mechanical reindeer. "Oh, no we don't!" Ban shouted, waving his arms in a gesture of antagonism.
"If you want to rescue Lady Poison, it seems we have no other choice," Akabane pointed out.
Ginji ran over to the sleigh, Akabane following. "It doesn't look hard to operate!" Ginji shouted. Ban sighed in resignation and joined the other two in the sleigh. "See? We just push the start button," he said, one hand on the steering wheel.
"Ginji, wait, I'm not belted iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!" Ban screamed as Ginji pushed the button with all his might. Rockets blasted from beneath the reindeer, shooting the sleigh off the roof and into the night sky. Ban went flying towards the back, screaming as he anticipated being thrown to his doom.
Akabane barely managed to reach out and grab Ban's pant leg in time, holding onto the sleigh himself by sheer virtue of the fact that he'd firmly embedded his scalpels in the seat like a cat using its claws to hang on. Ban continued to flail in the air as he was whipped and tossed about by Ginji's inability to drive a sleigh in a straight line. Akabane grunted, trying his best to hang onto Ban's pants. "Friends don't let friends drive rocket-powered sleighs drunk!" Akabane shouted, referring to the weaving way Ginji drove the sleigh across the night skies of Japan.
"Look, mommy!" a little girl on the ground shouted. "It's Santa's sleigh!"
The mom looked up, confused. "Has Santa… been having milk and sake?" she asked.
Back up in the sleigh, Ban heard a tearing noise that sent his heart sinking into his stomach. His pants were giving out from the force of being whipped around so much. It wasn't just that his pant legs were giving out, either. The button at his waist was straining against the fabric, ready to pop at any second.
"There's Tokyo Tower!" Ginji informed Akabane. "But I don't know how to land!"
"Do I look like I can drive a sleigh?" Akabane answered, still holding onto both Ban and the sleigh for dear life.
"HANG ON, BAN-CHAN! I'M GOING TO TRY TO CRASH US GENTLY!" Ginji shouted.
Right at that moment, Ban's pants gave up the ghost, the crotch and waistband tearing wide open. There was a moment when Ban seemed to hang in mid-air, taking in what had happened, before he plummeted downward. Fortunately, he landed on a beam of the tower after falling a short distance. Unfortunately, he now lacked pants.
"I'm glad I wore boxers instead of briefs today," Ban moaned, rubbing his head. He looked up at the sleigh, crashed in pieces in the metal beams above. "Ginji, are you okay?" he shouted, worried.
"I'm fine!" Ginji cried for elsewhere. Ban looked up to see Akabane and Ginji sitting on an overhead beam, what remained of his pants resting between them. "Akabane-san and I jumped before it crashed, but your pants…" Ginji meekly held them up. They had been neatly shredded in two, and were thus unwearable.
Ban grunted. "Great, just great. Well, we don't have time to worry about that! We have to save Himiko!"
Above, Santa looked down at the destroyed sleigh and turned to Himiko. She was tied to a beam, a green stocking cap with tassel on her head and an uber-short fluffy green skirt over green leggings. Her top was green velvet with a bust line far shorter than anything she would have voluntarily worn and big, puffy sleeves. "It seems your naughty playmates have come to try to stop me. No matter. My reindeer men will get them before they can interfere with my plot." He looked down at his watch. "Ten minutes until the world is bathed in the spirit of Christmas peace!"
Akabane, Ban, and Ginji ran up the stairs. Ban looked down at his watch. "Nine minutes until that whack job takes over the world!"
Akabane looked up. "Those giant billboards must be intended to transmit his message. We have to take out those billboards, the transmitter, and rescue Lady Poison."
"Ginji," Ban ordered, "You take out the transmitter with your electric abilities. Jackal, you take the light billboards. I'll rescue Himiko."
"That is a fine plan, but who is going to beat them?" Akabane asked, pointing to three men in reindeer costumes. The would-be rescuers barely had time to scatter before the reindeer fired on them with the poison Christmas needles. "Do not allow those to hit you, they are poison!" Akabane warned as he dodged.
Ginji whimpered as one struck his shoe, but didn't hit his foot. "There's too many of them!" he cried.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of this one!" Ban informed Ginji. "You two get up there and take out that transmitting system!"
"Ban-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" Ginji cried as Akabane grabbed him by the back of his neck, dragging him up the tower while Ban faded in the distance.
The reindeer laughed. "You can't defeat us by yourself," the lead reindeer smirked.
"Oh, I can't, can I?" Ban asked, touching his glasses.
In a moment, he was racing up the stairs as the reindeer dreamed of visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads. Of course, they weren't having visions of sugarplum candies. No, they were having visions of strippers dressed as sugar plum fairies, as evidenced by the amount of drool they were giving off. They were drooling so much that the drool froze into ice on the beams they were standing on. Unexpectedly, they slipped on the ice from their own drool and plummeted into the darkness of a Tokyo night.
Ban, gasping, arrived on the platform where Santa, the elf, and Himiko were. "Himiko!" Ban shouted.
"Ban!" Himiko answered, sounding relieved.
"You!" the elf and Santa gasped in unison.
"Never mind that," Santa growled. "You are too late to stop my plan, even if you have made it this far!"
He reached down and pressed the button, sending a wave of Christmas over Tokyo. The world was brainwashed in a second, and a new era of Christmas began. Every day was Christmas! At first, it was kind of nice, and everyone was happy. Then the stores began to close because retailers couldn't stand to remain open at Christmas sale prices. Mail was never delivered, as it was always a holiday. Children grew fat from milk and cookies, and their minds grew dull from being out of school for the holidays. People, having lost their jobs from the effect of the sales on the economy, gave their last pennies to the poor only as they went to stand in bread lines themselves.
Santa looked out over his kingdom, eyes filled with shock and horror, as children looked dully down at their toys. "I have so many, I don't want to play anymore," he declared, throwing away his duck.
"I miss my teacher," one child sniffed.
"I'm so tired of milk and cookies I could puke," another child threw in.
"No… NO! This isn't my Christmas world!" the Santa cried. "My Christmas world is full of love, and peace, and goodwill to men on Earth!" he shouted.
"Christmas used to be special when it only came once a year, but now that it's all the time… I just don't care anymore," a woman standing near the children declared.
"No… you have to care! It's Christmas!" Santa shouted.
"More cookies, dear?" the Christmas-clad Himiko asked. She, however, had ballooned out to grotesque proportions.
"What… what happened to you, my beautiful bride?" he asked.
"Well, I have to finish all the cookies and milk you don't eat so the kids won't be disappointed, don't I?" she asked, thudding her 400-lb body about. "And since it's always Christmas, all the gyms are closed for the Holidays."
"No…" the Santa whimpered. "No… no… noooooooooooooo!"
"Just one minute!" a voice proudly declared, and the image of a nightmare Christmas shattered about him. He looked up from where he had been crouched, trembling. Ban and Himiko stood in front of him, Himiko holding her dress down. Akabane and Ginji sat up in the beams, holding what remained of the wires from the dismantled hypnotism set. The elf lay on her side, temporarily knocked unconscious.
"My… my Christmas world wouldn't be like that!" he shouted.
"Oh?" Ban asked. "Haven't you ever heard the expression that you can have too much of a good thing?"
The Santa sank to his knees, defeated. "You… you're right. I loved the magic of Christmas so much that I almost destroyed it. You have shown me the true joy that comes from Christmas coming only once a year." He sniffed and wiped a tear. "Thank you, Get Backers, for showing me the error of my ways! I know now what I was missing from my Christmas joy. I can try to make the world a better place without taking over it." He stood up, still sniffling. "Now, let's go get those toys to needy children!" he declared.
As Santa rushed off to set things right, Himiko looked up at Ban. "Don't you think this thing ended a little… too perfectly?"
"Perhaps," Ban mused.
"Hey," Ginji cried. "It's snowing!"
Everyone looked up to see little white flakes floating their direction. "Hey, it IS snowing!" Himiko smiled. "What a perfect ending to the night. I'm going to try to catch it on my tongue!"
She did, then made a funny face. "This snow… tastes… different."
Ginji caught one on his tongue and also made a face. "She's right. It's not bad, but it's… not snow, either."
Akabane tried a taste, as did Ban. "This is mozzarella cheese!" Ban declared. "The ending was so cheesy, that it's falling from the sky!"The four stared up into the sky, wondering if the proper response at the moment would be to just enjoy the beauty of a night sky filled with grated cheese, or to make a cheese man, or to attempt to gather up as much as possible for later eating.
The End
Meanwhile, somewhere down below, a bunch of carolers were crushed by a falling block of brie. No one missed them.