Do or Die

Lilly had not done anything strenuous this day, yet. Just having lain in bed and having tried very hard to gain the upper hand over the strong urge to throw up having been caused by the drug Verone had given her the evening before.

If she had had to vormit, so the girl had known exactly, she would not have made it in time into the bathroom. Hell, she probably would not have even managed to get out of the bed without losing her equilibrium.

However, none of this had actually been new to the blonde. She had experienced this kind of feeling sick many times before. After having been drunk for the first time, at thirteen, after having been high on pot for the first time, also at the age of thirteen, after having taken XTC for the first time, a couple of months ago. Ray had taught her some rules concerning drugs and alcohol: Never take more than two pills when you are drinking more than two glasses, no matter what of. Never drink various types of alcohol during a night – you will only get drunk even faster and the hangover even worse. Try not to smoke more than two joints. Lilly had smiled at that. Two was a magic number.

"Cos it takes two things t' ma' me 'appy",Ray had once affirmed, "good sex an' me, havin' good sex."

Nonetheless, after having lain under the soft covers for some time, Lilly had finally decided to leave the bed, knowing that otherwise, her physical status would not become any better.

It had been 1 p.m., so she had been asleep for more than twelve hours. Still, while having sat up in her bed, her head banging like mad, the girl had had the feeling that the nightmare had only just begun, now that she was awake and, therefore, would have to face Verone again.

Verone, she had thought, massaging her temples to make the room stop turning around, Carter Verone.

Carter Verone. The arrogant bastard having tried to rape her yesterday evening. Having given her drugs to achieve his goal.

He gives some 16-year-old drugs to be able to lay her, she had actually wanted to say out loud with disgust, yet, the idea of having to open her mouth had, somehow, appeared as a bad one to her.

Keep your mouth shut, that way, you can't puke that easily.

Although, Lilly was not really that angry with Verone than with herself. How could she have been so naïve to presume she would have been able to make him believe in her act? Why had she not paid more attention to the taste of the food or of the drinks? She should have known! She should have prevented it from happening!

The girl knew this feeling. The feeling that everything was her fault, although people would be telling her that it was not. She had already heard that kind of talk. When her mother had left them, when her father had beaten the shit out of her on a regular basis, when Cathy had died, when she had become bulimic…………….so many times, but it had never been of any use. She had once read this behaviour was only normal, people blaming themselves for actions they were not responsible for. Lilly even thought she might have heard a name for this syndrome once, but she could not remember. The doctors had said everything would be depending on her, on her decision. Whether or not she wanted to blame herself. They had said it that, one day, it could happen that she will realize it and finally start to recognize the mistakes other people had made her suffer from. Like the cork of a bottle of champagne when being open. 'Plop!' and the barrier would be gone.

This day had not come yet, however, Lilly prayed for it to come……………..to put an ending to the emotions coming up inside of her whenever she looked into a mirror.

Don't brood right now, Lilly had said to herself, it costs way too much energy and it'll only make your head ache become worse. Focus on something else. Just try not to think. Outch! I hate hangovers so much, they're almost worse than the pain I'm in when I'm on my period. Brian only smiled at me, then. Hell, he already wants to get babied and pitied on when he has just managed to cut himself or to get a black and blue, while I even go to work with that damn throbbing in my abdomen, giving me anything but a moment of peace. Yet, it's quite funny when I've got my red days because I always get to be the one using the bathroom first, then. My bro's even willing to leave it when he's inside, although actually not having much of a choice. I'll just say:' okay bro, you don't wanna leave, fine with me, but then, you'll have to watch your little sister shoving a tampon up her vagina'. The first time I told him, he just grinned and stayed, thinking that I was joking, but when I pulled down my panty – I was wearing an oversize-shirt, so that everything was still covered – he mumbled something about me being way too feisty and eventually left. By now, he sometimes threatens that he will just stay inside, convinced by the fact that I would not do it in front of him, however, I think I would. Ever since I have started spending time with Spike, Sugar and V, I have literally received a shock therapy. One morning in March, I had slept the night at Sugar's and Spike's, he casually walked into the kitchen, completely naked. Ray definitely has no problem with nudity because he had once been together with Sugar, so that she knew how he looked without any clothes, nonetheless, I hadn't. I've spilled my juice over the table and he merely laughed. 'C'mon, he had smiled seducively, don' act as though you wouldn wanna see me like tha'. Ta' a good look, y'll never see anythin' this fine.' Sugar had scowled, telling him not to scare me like that, but Ray hadn't cared. 'She's bloody sixteen',he had snorted, 'I bet our tiger here's 'ready had the chance to 'read' soddin' Playgirl, righ'?'He had wiggled his eyebrows at 'read'. Anyways, during the last months, I got more and more accustomed to his way of dealing with nudity and I think it's really cool. He's proud of his body, so why not showing it off? It's not like he's walking around town like that, only at home. The same goes for the guys' ritual. Every time we're on our way to Cooper's in the early hours of the morning to get breakfast there after having partied through the night, there's this certain hill where the teenagers usually go to 'enjoy the view', so to speak, to make out in their cars. We will parc the cars close to the top of the hill and the guys will form a line, one standing next to the other, and they will let down their pants, so that we, the girls still sitting in the cars, will see their asses……………and some fine asses they've got. And then, they will piss down into the little chasm at the north side of the hill. Afterwards, we will have breakfast at Cooper's. This is when we all come down from our trips and talk. On the veranda of Cooper's, right at the Atlantic Ocean. And we will watch the sunrise in silence, knowing all too well that we smell of sweat, smoke and booze. I love those mornings. I love the feeling that there are people sharing this together with me……………it does not make me feel so alone. I did not want to come to Miami, I did not like it here, at first, until I got to know some people at school and then, my 'family'. A whole bunch of older brothers, sisters, even a few mothers and a cousin, at least that's what V claims to be. She's more like a sister, though. I love her. I love each of them so much because whenever I'm with them, I finally feel like I belong somewhere, like I'm home. I haven't felt like that in a while before we 'moved' here. Not since Cathy died and life got worse pretty much each passing day. She died over one and a half years ago, doesn't seem like much, but so many things have happened till today. Things have changed. I have changed. For the better, for the worse, who knows?

Lilly looked down at herself. She was still wearing the black dress with the cut on the left front side, simply because she did not have anything else to put on. Showering seemed like a very good idea to her, the blonde just wanted to get Verone off of her skin, to feel clean again.

She would not tell Brian that this had happened. She would not tell anybody, except, perhaps, Sugar, Will, Lola and Marisa. V and Spike would freak once she heard it and Anthony would be reminded of his childhood, when a female friend of his mother's had raped him. Mouse and Thomas would understand, yet, they would not merely listen, he would want to do something against this, while Lilly just wanted it to be over.

Don't mention it and pretend that it's never happened to you, the blonde's strategy. The strategy had worked before and it would serve her this time, too.

A knock on the door made her look up from her stream of conciousness. A guy, Federico, entered, holding some clothes in his hands.

"He wishes you to get dressed and to come down in thirty minutes",he said to her in Spanish, knowing that the girl could understand him, "down the hall and the stairs, the first door to the right." The man did not look at her at all. He merely laid the clothes down on her bed and left again.

He has looked at me, Lilly thought, but he pretends he hasn't. He pretends that he does not know anything about me having nearly been raped by his boss. So far, the blonde had already taken a look into the mirror. She could not remember having ever appeared so broken.

Or perhaps I could, if I wanted to, that is. Am I only pretending that I can't remember? I dunno, she got up from the couch in front of the window and walked into the bathroom, thirty minutes. Let's make it fourty. He could wait yesterday evening, he can wait now, as well. Just a soothing hot shower, burning him away from my skin.

Thirty-five minutes later.

It was 3.05 p.m.. Less than three hours left.

Lilly had showered, had dried her body and her hair, had then braided and plaited it, so that the braid was held with two black elastic pony-o's; one at the beginning of the braid and the other one at the ending to hold the plaited hair in place. She had even brushed her teeth. The dark bags underneath her eyes had vanished and she no longer looked like having cried the entire night. She was wearing the clothes Verone had sent her as well. A light brown, upper back-bearing, neck-holder top, underneath which she could not wear a bra, black low-rider jeans bootcut, the occassional thong and a pair of white four inch high-heels with two thick straps: one over her toes and the over right in front of her ankle. Of course, she was not wearing the thong.

My own or none, the girl thought defensively, although knowing that less clothes meant an easier access for Verone.

Taking a deep breath, Lilly opened her door that was, this time, unlocked……………and a smile began to tug at the corners of her mouth. On the side of the door that was directed to the hall, the key was still in the lock. She quickly grabbed it and put it into one of the front pockets of her trousers, praying that nobody would notice the light dent.

Walking down the stairs, she already heard Verone's voice. It sounded as though he was giving his employees some kind of prep-talk concerning the upcoming evening.

"We are going to leave the house at point 5.55, neither at 5.50, nor at 6 o'clock. Julio, you are going to drive us, I have already given you the directions. Daniel, you are………", he turned around when he heard the sound of Lilly's heels clacking on the floor, "Lilly",he smiled before pointing at one of the five armchairs being place around a little table, "have a seat, will you?"

The girl did as she was told, glancing around the room after having sat down onto the black leather armchair……………..and what she saw made her feel very uncomfortable.

Some yards away from her, Monica was seated on another armchair as well, however, to her left and to her right stood two men, one of them Federico, each of them holding a gun in his hands. There were still five other men in the room, Verone excluded. The jerks, the one Lilly thought of as the driver – Julio and two guys she had already noticed yesterday evening while descending the stairs, so, they were probably security. But her major concern was Monica. Why were there these blokes standing next to her? Why did they have guns in their hands? Was it possible that Verone had found that Monica was an undercover agent? How could this woman, after having played her part successfully over the last year or so, be stupid enough to let him notice anything at a point where the ending of it was so close? Okay, perhaps she was a little hard on Monica, yet, the girl spent an entire year at the compound only to be able to enjoy the lifestyle having been offered to her by Verone and then, eventually, she fucked it all up! Why would anybody do anything like that!? Was Monica supposing Verone would take her with him, nonetheless? Because, if not, the agent was dead. She had simply witnessed too much for her own good.

"As I was saying",Verone started once again, "Daniel, you know what you are to do after we have left. You burn down everything. Anything that might give them an insight to my business or my partners, who are going to take care of you, if they are not pleased with your work. While we're at it, Enrique, Roberto",Lilly's buddies looked up.

So, you're Enrique and Roberto, huh?How could one not loooove these names?! The girl rolled her eyes, nonetheless, still listening to the conversation.

"You will leave the house at quarter to six or 5.50, just to make sure that nobody has followed you partners on their way. You are going to meet them, get the money, put it into their cars and then, come with them to the meeting place. Afterwards, you are going to take care of Mister O'Conner and Mister Pearce."

"What you mean: they are going to take care of them!?"Lilly's sudden outburst made everybody regard her rather suspiciously, especially Verone walking towards and then, stopping right in front of her.

"Oh, please, Lilly",the brunette seemed to be chiding her like a little child, "don't play the innocent one. You know exactly what I mean." And he smiled again one of these predatory smiles.

"But you…………..you can't",the girl felt the world aroud her turning, perhaps because of the drugs still not being out of her system, yet, she just kept on talking desperatedly, "they haven't done anything to deserve this! They'll do their job, you get your money, cut! That's it! They're no threat to you!"

"Don't lie to me, girl",Verone bent down to her, one hand on each armrest, "you knew that Monica was an agent of the U.S. Customs. Don't deny it. I found out a couple of months after she had started working for me. She was nice to play with. She enjoyed living with me. She wouldn't have minded, if I had killed your brother and his friend, just as long as I would have still been with her. She never noticed anything. Never noticed that, all the time, she was nothing but my personal whore. I know just as well about the deal with the guys. The FBI will clear their records and they will be free men…………..to the costs of my freedom and I like my freedom very much. That is why I have to get rid of them. As for you",he cupped her cheek with his right hand, "you should better worry about your own life than about your brother's one. Or do you think that he would appreciate the sight of your corps? I don't think so, but it is up to you. Their lifes are going to end this very evening, how about yours?"

"Would you………",Lilly bit her lower lip, fearing to say out loud what she was thinking, nevertheless doing it – she owned it to Brian and Roman, "what if I went with you? Would you let them live, then? I'll do anything",she breathed out, exhaustion thick in her voice, "anything, just let them live."

"Anything?" The man held a certain gleam in his eyes while Lilly knew why he was emphasizing 'anything' the way he did. It sent a shiver of disgust down her spine and the urge to vormit right onto him returned.

"I swear",the blonde responded, tears dwelling up in her eyes, yet, she fought them back, raising her chin towards Verone as the man pressed his lips onto hers. Although feeling how sick the action was actually making her, Lilly opened her mouth to give his tongue free access which he immediately used. He ran his tongue over the roof of her mouth and was about to thrust against hers when the girl closed her lips around his tongue to suck on it. He did not deepen the kiss, though. They broke apart and he carressed her cheek again.

"Catch some sleep before we leave. You won't get any this night",he turned around to face Monica and the men standing by her sides. The older woman did not seem to be very content with this development.

Perhaps, so Verone guessed, she still imagined that I would keep her around for entertainment. How pathetic!

"Federico",he addressed one of the men, "bring Lilly back into her room and later on something to eat. I will get her myself when we're leaving. And, Ernesto", the other man looked up, "be so kind to lock Agent Fuentes up until we depart. Enrique, Roberto, I changed my mind about Mister Pearce and Mister O'Conner. They will no longer be a threat to us once we have left the United States, so you don't have to kill them."

"Thank you",Lilly whispered while being walked past him by Federico.

"You have no idea",he answered.

Federico watched how Lilly entered her room and closed the door behind her back, obviously not even trying to lock it.

The girl did not mind. She took off the heels, went into the bathroom, tipped up the toilet seat and fought her right middle finger as far as possible down her throat until she could finally throw up.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Brian was sitting on his bed, leafing through his album.

When he had come home from the work at Tej's Garage to take a shower and to change his clothes, he had, at least at first, not noticed how quiet it actually was without his baby sister. It had, somehow, made him feel uncomfortable, simply because the apartment was not supposed to be that silent.

It was not like Lilly to turn up the stereo to its highest volume – he usually was the one doing so due to Lilly preferring to listen to the way too little portable radio/CD/cassette player – nonetheless, there was always some sound caused by the other one. If she read, he would hear her turning the pages. If he heard music, she would hear it, too. If she did some sketches, he would hear the crayons, pencils, markers, whatever, scratching on the paper. If he played 'Need for Speed Underground', she would hear him either cursing or cheering, or perhaps doing both.

There was always some kind of sound traiting the other one's activity, always. That was just the way things were supposed to be………………….but they were not, not this time. The apartment felt empty without his baby, he felt alone. Brian was used to living with Lilly, neither did he want nor did he like it any different.

By now, he had put a CD into the player and was, rather less than more, listening to it. An album by Metallica – Kill'Em All.

He was sitting cross-legged, ellbows resting on his knees, his back bent slightly forwards to have a better look at the album lying in front of him.

It was his album. An album he had once started creating. It was about Lilly.

Being the older responsible brother, he had begun collecting pictures and other things he connected to his younger sibling.

The first page consisted of a copy of her birth certificate. Birth Name: Lilliana O'Conner. Date of Birth: 02/26/1987. Birthplace: Saint Gabriel Hospital, Barstow, California. And so on.

The next pages consisted of pictures. Lilly right after her birth. Lilly several months old. Lilly playing with her favourite toy: a little white bear having been given to her by Brian and, of course, Lilly playing with Brian's auto cards………….well, she was actually chewing on them, nevertheless, her first word had been Dodge, therefore, Brian still thought they had had a positive influence on her.

He turned the page over. More photos showing his baby as she had grown up to a toddler…………….and she had been the cutest toddler ever. Long blonde baby curls, big blue eyes and the most charming smile.

There was a little plastic bag glued into the album as well, containing the first tooth his sister had lost at the age of eight.

After this, there were not many photos until Lilly had been eleven. They had not seen each other that often when the girl had had to live with foster parents.

At the age of twelve, Brian had started teaching Lilly how to surf and his baby sister had been a natural! A great center of balance and a great sense for the correct timing. She had even won some contests back then. Of course, he had bought each paper with an article about her contests in it and put them into the album as well as the articles about the volleyball team she had been in back then.

When Cathy had died, everything had stopped. Neither had his baby continued the surfing nor the volleyball. She still refused doing it whenever they were at the beach, but Brian would never force her to do it, it was her decision and he respected it.

Then, there were some new pictures he had added just a couple of weeks ago. Tej had taken them at the garage with his latest digital camera.

Brian had one special favourite amongst them. He knew exactly how much his sister hated photos.

I just don't like having to smile when I don't feel like it, that was pretty much her attitude towards taking pictures. Nonetheless, Tej had managed to get her in front of the camera several times, when feeling unwatched and Brian had to admit, he really preferred these to the ones where Lilly was all smiles. Not that he did not like seeing his sister smile it was just………………..

That's what she's really like, he thought while regarding his favourite picture.

Lilly was standing next to a car, her hair pulled neatly back in a plaited braid while two thick strands were framing her face. She wore a dark red, belly-bearing tank top and some stone washed low-rider 501's. Her right hand was akimbo and with the other, she was holding with her fingertips a bottle of coke, but she had not raised the arm up, it was hanging down by her left side. Her tan skin was slightly sweaty from the work, she even had some dirty spots on her clothes and skin. She was looking to her left side, into the distance, regarding something that could not be seen on the photo. She looked concentrated, completely focused on whatever was happening. And when Lilly was focused on something, she would get that certain expression on her face which would make her irresistible to everybody.

She's beautiful, Brian thought, perfect ten. Soft round curves and long lean lines. Endless slender and muscular legs, a butt like a ripe apple, completely flat stomach with hard abs literally melting into her stomach, not standing out at all. Slightly visible hip bones, especially visible when she moves. Wide hips because she's got no waist. Perfect breasts which seem to attract the majority of men. Slender muscular arms, long slim fingers. Natural French nails – whatever that is supposed to mean. Perfect collarbone and neck. Slim chin, high cheekbones, a straight nose that is somehow a stub nose but somehow not at the same time. Beautiful large blue eyes, perfect trimmed eyebrows. Small flat ears and long blonde hair, baby curls, of course. But none of this matters to me. This shit only matters to guys. To way too many guys. I love her for her enthusiasm, for her will to fight, for her intelligence, for her talent to create a picture so beautiful only by using a pencil and a piece of paper. Even her 'doodles' are unbelievable. She's always there for me and even if she doesn't understand a problem, she's willing to listen. She's diligent, too. Always having high standards about herself. She's the most adult-like 16-year-old I've ever met. Lord knows, I was definitely not like that at her age. Everything I was thinking about were girls, cars and parties………………..and how to get all of it at once. Doesn't seem like I've changed that much since I was 16. Hell, once I've got my baby back, I'll take a catalogue, make her sit down somewhere and then, she'll have to leaf through it until she's found a car she likes. She needs one. Not to race, but to be more independent. I could just as well win one for her the next time I see one that's acceptable, although she will complain about it. It's too expensive, too dangerous for me to lose my own car. Who does she think I am? I am King of the Streets, I don't do losing. We'll do this. I'll get her back, whatever it takes.

Brian shut the album and put it back into the drawer of his wardrobe where it belonged. He then looked at his watch.

4.23 p.m..

One hour left before he would meet Roman at Tej's for one last discussion, afterwards, they would roll.