A/N: Hey everyone! Hope you all had wonderful holidays, filled with joy, peace and fun! (::Snort:: of course, if you had any relatives over at all, I know better than to ask you poor souls. Any complaints and I'll tell you about my 80 year old grandmother with an eating disorder. She's interesting...) This fic does not concern you happy people. You can all go to hell!!! j/k! (not really...) In my opinion, sometimes the holidays are those days of ultimatums, when the issues that have been put on the mental or emotional backburner are brought to the forefront. That feeling, along with the feeling of how Japanese celebrate Christmas (a lot more emotionally serious then the commercialized garbage in America) andthat there is this issue I feel has been ignored for far too long, I decided to go with myself and write this. I enjoyed writingit because, believe it or not people, everyone has to grow up sometime.
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Heaven's Not Enough
"I'll be back in moment," Kagome called as she ran toward the house.
"Don't forget anything this time!" Inuyasha called to her back. Sighing, he slumped onto a convenient bench, ignoring the snow underneath him and looked up through the branches of the Goshinboku at the twilight sky. She's going to take forever, he thought glumly. All this time here and then she forgets her brush. Can one female be anymore flighty then that-
"You don't deserve her, you know," an expressionless voice said from behind him.
Inuyasha whipped around and was shocked to see Kagome's schoolmate standing right behind him.
"It's Hobo, right?" Inuyasha taunted, leaning back and crossing his arms in front of his chest. He gazed at his brown haired rival and smirked.
"That was rather juvenile."
Inuyasha scowled. "Why don't you say that where I can reach you??"
"Shut up," Hojo said, disgust and impatience for Inuyasha's posturing evident. "We're not kids and I'm serious."
Inuyasha sat up slowly. Something was different with the wimp...
Hojo walked in front of the Goshinboku and stared up at the ancient tree. He shot a glance at the weirdly dressed boy on the stone bench and his eyes grew with an emotion, apained emotion born of both rage and conflicted fury.
"You don't deserve her," Hojo spat out. "She's far too good for the likes of you." The young Japanese boy swung around to face Inuyasha and looked at the face of the man who Kagome had given her heart to; his worst suspicions were confirmed. This boy with his odd coloring and arrogant demeanor had a cold expression, angry eyes and standoffish body language. Hojo looked Inuyasha up and tried to find something, anything to recommend him to be the lover of a sweet wholesome girl like Kagome, a woman whose soul shone.
Nothing presented itself.
Hojo sneered and it felt odd on his face. "She's so far out of your league, it's disgusting."
"Watch it." Inuyasha hissed, rage clenching his fists.
"I was told that you were violent and predictable. I see Yumi was right on the money."
"Who?"
"You've been dating Kagome for over three years and you don't know the names of her best friends?" Hojo was aghast.
"I don't care about them."
"I don't believe this," Hojo muttered, running his fingers through his hair. He pointed a finger at Inuyasha. "You're rude, uncouth, insensitive and angry. What the hell does she see in you?"
"Or isn't the question what doesn't she see in you?" Inuyasha shot back, shoving to his feet. The two stood face to face and their breath frosted in the air.
"Yeah, that is the million dollar question, isn't it?" Hojo said softly. A smile etched its way onto his face. "You know, it's not like I haven't known," he said quietly to Inuyasha, not looking at the other man. "About you and Kagome, I mean. I just never believed it…I thought it was all some malicious rumor. But it's true. You guys have been dating for three years, since junior high."
"Around."
Hojo glared furiously at Inuyasha. "If I were dating her, I'd remember every moment, every kiss, every month," he ground out.
The passion in his tone gave his words a ring of sincerity Inuyasha was uncomfortable with hearing. Hojo continued, his ire growing. "I wouldn't need to say to someone 'around' the amount of time. I'd remember because that's what she deserves. She should have more then what you're giving her." Inuyasha scowled openly and Hojo shook his head. "I would treat her like a princess, a goddess, the woman she is...." Hojo's hurt was clear on his face, his pain evident to embarrassing proportions. His voice soft and broken, the boy murmured, "But she chose you anyway...."
Inuyasha looked away after a moment, unable to stand looking at someone who was obviously in love with Kagome. This gangly mortal might love her more then Kouga, maybe even more then he himself did... This Hojo's words were true, he knew they were true but hearing it spoken so bluntly...It made Inuyasha flinch inside.
"You're looking away," Hojo whispered softly, his eyes widening with realization. "You agree with me that you're not good enough. You know it, I know it, and all of Kagome's friends know it. I guess the only one who doesn't get it is Kagome herself." The littleclearing echoed with silence and as the moments passed, Hojo's anger grew. "Don't just take this! Fight! Prove to me that you have a right to that sort of blessing!"
Inuyasha said nothing. What could he say?
"Can't even try, can you? You ungracious bastard!! Fight for her...even just a little! Something! Anything damnit!!" Hojo exploded.
Inuyasha met Hojo's eyes and the two were locked in a stare neither was willing to break.
"Selfish," Hojo hissed. "That's all it was, keeping her away from all those who love her, keeping her to yourself. Don't you know how worried her mother gets when you go running around the country together, doesn't it ever occur to you that-"
"Hojo?" Kagome's soft exclamation cut across theair like a knife. Turning slowly, Kagome's long time admirer gazed at the eighteen year old girl who he had adored since he was fifteen.
"Hello Higurashi. I guess you're not as sick as you said you were when I called." The wind whistled in the trees and gently rustled the leaves overhead.
This has been a long time in coming, Kagome thought wearily. "Inuyasha, can you excuse us for a minute?" Kagome looked at her hanyou with pleading eyes and Inuyasha felt himself involuntarily nod.
Anything to keep her from looking this upset...."I'll be watching from the window," he told Hojo tersely. "Don't try anything."
"Oh god Inuyasha! Not now!" Kagome hissed, embarrassed to have her friend see Inuyasha so possessive.
Hojo smiled a meaningless grin at the flushed boy. "I would never try anything. I respect Kagome." The emphasis was not lost on the boy from the past and Inuyasha cringed.
"Inu...." Kagome prompted gently.
Though he looked behind him constantly, Inuyasha did as he was asked and walked away, leaving Kagome alone with Hojo.
"Is he always this suspicious?"
"Constantly. You should see him when I'm over for the weekends-"
"Ah, yes, all those previous engagements you had to attend to. Things that were important then the movies..."
Kagome sighed. "Hojo...." she began awkwardly.
"I'm not as stupid as you and everyone else seems to think I am. I knew almost from the first that you weren't that sick. With all the medicine and diseases you were supposed to have, you should be on a respirator or dead. I used to go to the hospitals and ask to see you only to be told that you weren't there. After a while, it dawned on me that sweet innocent Kagome was lying to me." Hojo smiled sharply. "I think that was when I grew up."
Kagome bit her lip. "Hojo, I'm...sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings...."
"You didn't," Hojo said gently, upset at himself for upsetting her. "I'm sorry I sound so bitter. Sometimes, I can't help it." He made no move to go any nearer to that girl of his dreams, his unrequited love. "I'm the one who hurt my feelings. They are mine after all. I decided to feel the hurt, the rejection and the pain."
Kagome winced and concern lit up the brown eyes of the thoughtful boy across from her. "Don't look like that!" he urged gently and took that small movement forward. Standing close to her, he looked down into her eyes. "I also decided to feel the love, Kagome. I made a conscious decision to not stop myself from falling in love with you. You were almost not even a part of it, to be honest." Hojo let out a small smile at his joke.
"But Hojo, I-"
"Higurashi. Guilt isn't an emotion you should feel over this. Your heart's given and I'm trying to respect that. You can't control it.The fact isthat I can't control mine either." Hojo shrugged helplessly. "You've got me, whether you or I want you to."
"Hojo, I meant to tell you to your face. I didn't mean to lead you on..." Kagome trailed off as Hojo chuckled.
"It was the way you couldn't say no."
"I'm sorry?"
"It was the way that you were always so upset to have to break off our dates or the way you would hesitate and then agree to go out that made me fall in love with you. It was that reluctance on your part to not hurt my feelings that I couldn't resist. I had never met anyone so selfless, so caring." Hojo shrugged again. "I didn't stand a chance."
Kagome couldn't think of what to say and so chose silence, looking down at the ground.
"I have to go soon," Hojo whispered. "I have a plane to catch to the United States."
"America?" Kagome asked in surprise, her eyes flying up in shock.
"Exchange program," Hojo explained succinctly. Leading the way to the bench Inuyasha had just vacated, he patted the seat next to him. "Sit down. I just wanted to tell you before I went everything that's been on my mind these past couple of years. Don't interrupt and just let me get it all out. All right?"
He waited until Kagome gave a shaky nod. Taking a breath for courage, Hojo let out all he was feeling and exposed his heart to the tender and unwilling murder he knew was coming.
"I know this is going to sound stupid but you had me at hello." He grinned at Kagome's small groan. "You know I'm an American movie buff," he chided gently and let this last happy moment linger. "But I'm quite serious, you really did. I was new, nervous about starting a new school and you were running past me. You tripped on your own feet, fell onto my locker, slamming my fingers into the door."
Kagome's face flushed. Graceful was not her middle name for a reason....
"You looked up and smiled this angel's smile and cheerfully said hello. Then you noticed my fingers and got so upset that you had injured me, you grabbed my hand and yanked me to the nurses station. You saw to it that I was bandaged and then escorted me to my homeroom, all while introducing me to everyone you knew. Needless to say, that was everyone in the school."
Kagome looked down. She was a chatterbox at the best of times and having almost amputated the fingers of the new kid had left her flustered. "Did you understand a word I was saying?" she asked with a rueful chuckle.
"Not one," Hojo said cheerfully. "It wasn't important anyhow. You had so taken me aback, I didn't care about little things like speech and articulation. The entire time, you didn't let go of my hand, dragging me here and there and so excited to show me everything...." Hojo's voiceturned quiet and contemplative. "I knew right away that I was hooked. You were thehighlight of my daybut I was too shy to even think about dating you...I regret that now." Hojo looked up at the sky and sighed deeply. "Then, on your fifteenth birthday, you disappeared for a couple of days. I was frantic. I called shelters, hospitals, homes of your friends. Nothing. Then, you came back as if nothing had happened. But something had happened."
Hojo flashed a grin at the uncomfortable girl next to him, staring at her hands. "I grew a spine and decided to finally ask you out. But I was too late....you had already been charmed and taken."
Kagome thought of her first few months with Inuyasha and knew she had been anything but charmed.
"So I gave up. I wanted to see you happy and, even if Yumi, Eri and Yuka couldn't see it, I saw the happiness. You shone..." Hojo whispered a ghost of a smile on his face. "I was so desperately wanting to be the one who made you shine." He snorted in self-derision. "I still am. I thought then that you'd get over him, end it and I'd step in to be next to you. A kid fling, you know? As the years went on, it became obvious that you were not going to get over him."
Hojo glared at the snow. "I was so jealous, so damn jealous,"he said vehemently. "I hated it! WHy couldn't I be happy with the fact that you were happy?" He heaved a sigh that shook his entire frame and rubbed his fingers through his hair. "Whatever, I still don't know. The thing is, now that high school's over and we're all going our own ways, I've convinced myself that I should get as far away as possible, go somewhere where I don't have reminders of you everyday." Hojo leaned forward and looked at his clasped hands. "I already know that the possibility of getting over you is slim. A man can tell these things...I wish I didn't. I'd have hope then...Oblivion would be wonderful..." he said thoughtfully.
Kagome held out a hand to comfort him but Hojo shook his head fiercely, violently. "God, don't do that!" he almost shouted, jerking away. "I told you- I have to get this out so please just let me!" he said in frustration. "I can't have you being so sweet and nice, not now! Just…"
Getting up abruptly, Hojo began to pace back and forth in front of the stone bench and Kagome. He attempted start talking again several times but stopped himself each time, muttering and pausing to fidget up and down on the balls of his feet. Resolutely turning to Kagome, Hojo finally continued.
"I don't have time to drag this out, I don't think I can handle much more of this. But I know that if I don't tell you, I'll regret it for the rest of my life." Hojo knelt at Kagome's feet and gently touched her hands. Reverently, he kissed each hand before looking into her eyes. Kagome's brown eyes widened as Hojo spoke.
In the most serious voice she had ever heard him use, Hojo said a resolution that had been years in the making.
"He might not love you forever but I will. No one loves you as well as long and as fiercely as I do. Remember this: you are young. Love might not last. If it doesn't, come to me. If you ever need help, come to me. If you just need a shoulder, come to me and I'll let you lean as long as you need to." Hojo looked at their intertwined hands and saw the salty drop splash onto his knuckles. "I will always be here for you..." he finished quietly.
Another tear landed and he looked at Kagome's shell shocked expression and wet cheeks. He frowned sadly. "I know you don't want to hear this…I'm sorry I did this to you."
Leaning forward, Hojo hugged Kagome, offering comfort. Slowly, her arms lifted and she slumped off the bench and into him. Together, they sat at the roots of the Goshinboku. Kagome held her admirer close as she cried, closing her eyes to his earnest and serious expression of outright love. Looking down at her distraught face, Hojo kissed her forehead and then each closed eyelid gently. "Don't cry," whispered Hojo achingly. Slowly he rocked her back and forth in his arms and begged her to not cry on his behalf.
"I never meant to...! I didn't know! I'm sorry, so sorry, please believe me...I wouldn't, you never and I couldn't...oh god, I'm sorry!" Kagome sobbed. Hojo sighed unhappily and tried to coax Kagome to stop crying. The young girl was hiccupping and sniffling when Hojo spoke again.
"Please don't cry, just try to understand. I need you to hear it at least once from me. Can I go on?"
"Yes, of course," Kagome said reluctantly. This hurt, it hurt so badly and Kagome wasn't sure why.
"I don't need to chase after girls. It's not why I'm doing this. It's just that this feeling, this emotion you've put in me...it's not going away." Hojo sighed and leaned his head again the ancient trees trunk, Kagome still snug in his arms. "I love you. Whether or not you love me is irrelevant. I just want you to know that I will always be your friend, I want to be there for you no matter what. You have a place in my heart, stolen it from some future girl and there's nothing I can do about it." Hojo looked down at the red eyed girl in his arms and slowly disentangled himself.
It was time to go, far past time.
Standing, Hojo cleaned off his pants absently. Once they were free of dirt and grime, Hojo smiled at Kagome gently and nodded once. He began to walk away but stopped short. Turning, the boy with the broken heart looked back.
"Hey, Higurashi?"
"Yes?" Kagome asked in a husky whisper, her voice rough from crying.
"Can I call you Kagome? Just this once?" came the question hesitatingly.
"Oh Hojo....." Kagome answered in a whisper. "You could always have called me Kagome...You never needed my permission."
At her easy going words, her acceptance of him, Hojo felt his throat clench tightly and despite his resolution to leave like a man, he crumbled. Maybe these last few words would be the miracle…
"Kagome, I miss you before you're gone. I smile at the thought of you and your laugh is the sweetest sound on this earth. I'm letting you go and it hurts. You're my heartache, Kagome…" He whispered, never turning to her, never looking, praying she would run to him, throw her arms around him and that all his years of silent self-recrimination would finally end and she would be there.
The girl he had loved so long and so well whispered pointless apologies and let tears trickle down her face.
Nodding, defeated, Hojo began to leave.
"Hojo!!" Kagome called out. "Why did you spend Christmas eve here?" Why did you do this tonight, of all nights… "You're suppose to spend it with family."
He stopped but didn't turn around. "You're suppose to be on Christmas with those you love. And I did." He looked back at her and gave a sad smile. "Merry Christmas Kagome…" he whispered. Hojo turned and left as quietly as he came, never looking back once.
Inuyasha, having been spying the entire time, sprinted out of the house and jogged to Kagome. He couldn't remember the last time she had cried this hard. He ran close and looked with concern at Kagome's red eyes and trembling mouth.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked softly, putting a tentative hand onto her shoulder.
Kagome looked like she didn't even realize he was there. The shaken girl wrapped her arms around her stomach and whispered almost to herself, "If I had never gone back in time, if Souta had never called me into the wellhouse on my 15th birthday, if I had never met you or shattered the jewel, I know that today I would be so deep in love with that boy....I'd be in love with him..."
Inuyasha jerked as if slapped. "What!? He's a spineless loser who-"
"Inuyasha?" Kagome cut him off quietly.
"Wha?"
"Shut up......for once, just.....for god's sake shut up," Kagome said tiredly. Turning away from Inuyasha, she stood at the end shrine courtyard and looked down at the street and figure below her.
Kagome watched what could have been go down the shrine steps, step out past her gates and walk out of sight and mourned.
"Merry Christmas, Hojo..." she whispered softly. "Goodbye..."
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A/N: ::bites her lips and looks nervously at the readers:: So, uh, how'd you guys like it? I actaully wrote this a half a year ago and was suppose to post it on december 24th but i had finals and totally forgot. so, i'm posting it now. I hope I got the emotions right because I'm not so good with emotions. I don't really express mine in real life so gettgin across a broken heart was going to bebit of a stretch for me. Read and Review please and, as always, give useful critique!
To all those who read my Queer Eye fic: 75 done! give mea week, O' benevolent readers of wisedom and mercy! Spare me from your tender pitchforks of Flames and recriminations!! Soon, my pretties, sooon!! To keep you interested, Inuyasha's naked for about half the chapter.
See, now you're all happy, perverts that you all are!
happy holidays!!!