Indiana Snake and the Frankfurt of the Fuhrer
Narrator: Indiana Jones. What a loser. I mean, he was afraid of snakes. What kind of guy is afraid of snakes? But Solid Snake. That's a dude that rocks it up a notch. I mean, he fights robots, ninjas, and robotic ninjas. Indiana Jones fought Germans. Regular Germans. Anyone could do that. Just last night I ran down a German guy in my car, and do you see me getting famous for it? No. But anyway, let me get back on topic. This is a tale of a man. A man that looked fear in the eye, then kicked fear in the groin and stole his wallet. This is the tale of...Indiana Snake.
(Snake and the gang are on a plane flying high in the sky. Snake sits in the cockpit with the pilot)
Snake: I'M SOOOO HIGH ABOVE THE SKY!
(Snake grabbed the pilot's hat and threw it on the floor)
Snake: Hehehe. Let's you see fly the plane without your hat!
Pilot: Okay.
(Snake stood and stared as the pilot continued to fly the plane, his feelings hurt)
Snake: You stink.
Pilot: No way, you poopyhead.
(Snake stared blankly at the pilot, his feelings hurt)
Otacon: Hey Snake, when are we getting to this mysterious island that you inherited when your uncle died?
Snake: Soon, my friend. Soon. And when we get there, I've got a big surprise for you!
Otacon: What?
Snake: Take a guess!
Otacon: You're going to have Midnight Oil perform a concert for us?
Snake: Actually, yeah. You're right.
Raiden: Midnight Oil...who are they?
Snake: Only the best band in the world! They once drove into Egypt and built a pyramid using their non-stop rocking.
Otacon: Then they travelled back in time, cured the plague with their musical mastery, and returned back to the present time to do a concert in Nevada.
Raiden: Wow. These seem like good men.
Snake: Men...or gods?
(Suddenly, as if on cue, the Midnight Oil song 'Beds are Burning' begins to blare from outside)
Snake: Oh. My. God. I LOVE THIS SONG!
Raiden: Don't you find it odd that this song's being played while we're flying high in the air?
Otacon: Dude, it's Midnight Oil. You can play it at any altitude!
Snake: Well, maybe not in space. It kind of loses it's rockingess in space.
Otacon: And deep under the sea. I've listened to it there, it's just not the same.
(The music seems to be getting closer to the plane. The men look out the window)
Snake: Hey...is there another plane out there or something?
Otacon: Maybe it's a magic carpet. That'd be so neat, just like Aladdin.
Raiden: Look, I see something out there.
(A large, round object begins to emerge from the clouds)
Snake: Dude, I'm tripping out here!
Raiden: I think it's a...zeppelin!
Otacon: Led?
Raiden: No, a real zeppelin!
(The large zeppelin starts to fly slowly towards the plane, 'Beds are Burning' blasting loudly out of it)
Snake: Do you think it's Nazis?
Raiden: Snake, Nazis don't fly zeppelins anymore. They haven't for 50 years. In fact, no one flies zeppelins anymore. Zeppelins haven't build for tens of years.
(A mysterious voice booms out of the speakers of the zeppelin)
Mysterious Voice: Hello. I'm a Nazi driving a zeppelin. I'm going to shoot you down now, so prepare to die and stuff.
Snake: What a minute...I recognize that voice.
Mysterious Voice: That's because it is me.... YAHOO SERIOUS!
(Everyone pauses for a second)
Snake: How did he hear me say I recognized the voice? He's not in the plane.
Yahoo Serious: I've got really good hearing.
Otacon: We should've known it was you Yahoo. You're the only guy that would fly a zeppelin around for the Nazis.
Yahoo Serious: Oh yeah, well you guys stink!
(Snake stood and stared as the zeppelin began to fly towards the plane, his feelings hurt)
Raident: Snake, we've gotta do something!
Snake: You're right. Okay, I got an amazing plan. Everyone listen up, because it's brilliant.
Otacon: Ok, we're listening.
Snake: Ok...n...Raiden, you're not paying attention!
Raiden: Yes I am!
Snake: No, you're looking at the floor! Look at me!
Raiden: Well, sorry. Please continue, your majesty.
Snake: Stop being sarcastic.
Raident: I'm not being sarcastic.
Snake: Yes, you were. I know sarcasm.
Raiden: Oh, shut up douchebag.
Snake: You're the douchebag, you douchebag.
Otacon: Guys, calm down. You're both douchebags, no need to fight about it.
Snake: Otacon, you're such a douchebag, you were elected King of Douchebagville.
(A large rocket hits the plane)
Snake: Oh great. Now we're going to die because I couldn't explain my great plan.
Raiden: Well, at least we're gonna die doing what we love: listening to Midnight Oil as Yahoo Serious flies a zeppelin around us.
Otacon: You're right. I do love that.
Snake: I'm sorry for calling you a douchebag, dude. I love you, man!
Raiden: Give me a hug, you big loveable douche!
(All 3 men hug each other as the plane falls from the sky)
Yahoo Serious: Hahahaha, no one messes with Young Einstein!
---
Narrator: Well, Snake and the gang were dead. They found their bodies floating in the ocean, and Otacon's head was missing. Yahoo Serious joined Midnight Oil and they toured Russia....Hahaha, just kidding. The story would really blow if that's what happened. I mean, everyone knows Midnight Oil are waaaay too slick to let Yahoo Serious join them. But I'm off topic. Snake and the Gang woke up on a strange and mysterious island. The plane was destroyed, but the pilot managed to survive. Hahaha, just kidding again. The pilot was decapitated.
(Snake rises slowly from the wrecked plane)
Snake: Well, we're boned.
(Raiden stands up next to him)
Raiden: No we're not. We've washed up on a tropical paradise! We'll live like gods!
(Raiden's arm falls off)
Raiden: Awwww....crap.
(Otacon sits up, holding Raiden's arm)
Otacon: Hahaha, look at this. Hey Raiden, can you give me a hand?
Raiden: Oh shut up. I just lost a major apendage and I'm about to die from blood loss.
Otacon: Hahahaha, you're hilarious.
Snake: Guys, no time to make fun of each other for dying. We gotta figure out what to do.
Otacon: Let's leave.
Snake: How? We're on an island.
Otacon: So?
Snake: We're surrounded by water!
Otacon: So?
Snake: You can't swim all the way home.
Otacon: So?
Raiden: Shut up, both of you.
(A tiny voice suddenly croaked from the jungles of the island)
Tiny Voice: Hey dudes, you need help?
(Eduardo the talking coconut jumped down from the tree and rolled over to the men)
Eduardo: Wassup?
Snake: Eduardo, what are you doing here?
Eduardo: I live here.
Raiden: Where is here?
Eduardo: The Island of Yachkinfer.
Otacon: That sounds German.
Eduardo: It is. This island's a refuge for Nazis.
Snake: Wha-!
Eduardo: Yep. Nazis come here every summer to play volleyball, have BBQ's, and plot to take over the world!
Mysterious Voice: They're not the only ones on this God-forsaken rock…
Otacon: No! Not Yahoo Serious again!
Snake: Wait, it can't be Yahoo Serious, as we've already identified his voice.
Otacon: So? He was regarded earlier as the Mysterious Voice; hence it must be him again.
Snake: But we changed the identity of the earlier mentioned Mysterious Voice to Yahoo Serious, thus freeing up the title for another person to take on!
Raiden: I'm going to have to side with Otacon on this one.
Snake: Shut up, no-arms.
Otacon: Heh, no arms. Good one.
Raiden: But I… oh, I see! Very funny.
Snake: Thank you.
Raiden: Egg salad!
(Raiden punches Snake in the face)
Otacon: Zing!
Eduardo: I say, shouldn't we try and identify who the Mysterious Voice is?
Mysterious Voice: Yeah, you should do that.
Another Mysterious Voice: It's a great plan, Skip!
Mysterious Voice: Shut up, Gilligan!
Snake: Wha-!
Otacon: It's…
(the gang turns around to see the Skipper and Gilligan)
Raiden: Those two guys from daytime television!
Skipper: That's right. We've been stuck here for thirty-odd years, eating our fellow boat-mates and kittens.
Gilligan: Ginger's face tasted like meat!
Skipper: Shut up, Gilligan!
(the Skipper smacks Gilligan with his hat)
Snake: Well, how do we get off this island and over to the Midnight Oil concert?
Skipper: Well, you have two choices. Either we take the boat we built out of the bones we found in that old Indian burial ground…
Otacon: Sounds like a safe option.
Skipper: … or we take the yacht.
Snake: Damn, this is a tough choi- wait a minute, did you say "yacht"?
Gilligan: The Germans gave it to us!
Skipper: Shut up, Gilligan!
(the Skipper smacks Gilligan with his hat)
Raiden: Why are we standing around when we should be building shelters and hunting animals? We're getting fat here, people! Men are not designed to have fat on them. Simple truth. Nature never meant for it. Women, on the other hand, are designed to have a bit of fat on them, but it builds up on the waist and thighs, to help raise the next generation of homo sapiens. Fat storage is designed for women. As for men… as said earlier, men are designed to have no fat on them. At all. We're supposed to be going out, hunting mammoths and digging up root vegetables to help our womenfolk gain the strength to give birth. We're not supposed to be sitting in front of a computer screen, reading about how furries suck. That's why men build up fat on the belly and around the organs, and I for one-
(suddenly, his chest explodes outwards in a spray of blood and a kitten crawls out)
Kitten: Mew?
Skipper: So that's where that kitten went!
Snake: Hahaha, that Raiden! He so crazy!
Eduardo: I do say, aren't we a little heartless, laughing about the fact that this man has- oh, wait, I just got it! Hehehe.
Otacon: So, now what?
Snake: We could eat Gilligan.
Gilligan: I don't like that idea, the Skipper already tried to eat my leg!
Skipper: Shut up, Gilligan!
(the Skipper smacks Gilligan with his hat)
Snake: We should eat the Skipper.
Otacon: I agree. But first, we distract Gilligan.
Eduardo: May I be of assistance?
Snake: Yes, go show Gilligan your interpretive dance.
Eduardo: I shall, post haste!
(Eduardo rolls over to Gilligan)
Gilligan: Hiya there!
Eduardo: Look away from the Skipper and at my distraction, if you will.
Gilligan: Sure thing!
---
Narrator: And so, Snake and Otacon ate the Skipper. After that, they all got on the yacht and sailed away and managed to get to the Midnight Oil concert before Yahoo Serious could destroy them all… Hahaha, got you again. Man, you're gullible. Guys, the story would be a crap pile if they ate the Skipper and got off the island safely! But they did eat the Skipper. Like hell they wouldn't.
(Snake and Otacon wipe their mouths)
Snake: Man, all that abusing of Gilligan made his arms extra tender!
Otacon: I couldn't agree more.
(Eduardo rolls over with Gilligan)
Eduardo: Save any for me?
Snake: We left his bulbous ass.
Eduardo: Splendid!
Gilligan: Where'd the Skipper go, guys?
Otacon: Uh… over near those coconut trees?
Snake: Yeah. Go over there.
Gilligan: Okie dokie!
(Gilligan walks over to the coconut tree and stands there)
Snake: Well, we need a plan to get out of here. I say we take the yacht.
Otacon: I agree- wait… do you hear that?
(the awesome tune of 'Power and the Passion' is growing in the air)
Snake: Either Midnight Oil has come to save us, or Yahoo Serious is back.
(the voice of Yahoo Serious booms through the air)
Yahoo Serious: Choice number 2, Commies!
Snake: Damn you and your excellent hearing, Yahoo Serious!
Yahoo Serious: I called my Nazi friends to come and make sure you never leave the island, because you'll be dead!
Eduardo: Quickly, boys, we have to go into the caves and find the mystical item that will stop the Nazis!
Yahoo Serious: You'll never find the Frankfurt of the Fuhrer, coconut! NEVER! Get 'em, boys!
(a squadron of Stuka Dive Bombers begin to assault the island)
Snake: We have to get out of here!
Otacon: You're being crazy, man!
(Otacon punches Snake in the face)
Snake: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Eduardo: What about Gilligan? He must be saved!
Snake: HahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA sure why not.
Otacon: Get him over here!
(a bomb explodes in front of Gilligan)
Snake: Wha-!
Eduardo: We're too late! The Nazis got him!
(the dust settles, and Gilligan is fine)
Otacon: Wait, there he is.
Snake: Hahaha, that Gilligan. He's such a scamp.
(a coconut falls onto Gilligan's head)
Eduardo: I think that might have gotten him!
Snake: Quick! Check him out!
(they all run over to Gilligan)
Gilligan: They… they got me…
Snake: It's going to be okay, man, we're all going to see Midnight Oil together.
Gilligan: I can… see the light…
Otacon: Yes! Light is good! Run towards the light, kid!
Eduardo: Do something, Snake!
Snake: I'm not a doctor, man!
Gilligan: Bury me… with the Skipper…
(Gilligan dies)
Snake: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO shoot.
Otacon: He's… he's dead?
Eduardo: Don't cry, guys. He would have wanted it this way. He died doing what he loved; getting hit over the head with a coconut.
Snake: He said he wanted to be buried with the Skipper, didn't he?
Eduardo: I know. Good thing I didn't eat much of the Skipper.
(Eduardo begins to eat Gilligan)
Otacon: I would comment, but I did just eat the Skipper.
Snake: He would have wanted it this way.
Otacon: What do we do now?
Snake: We're going to find this Frankfurt of the Fuhrer, if my name isn't Indiana Snake!
Eduardo: I say, this Gilligan fellow is scrumptious!
Otacon: Eduardo, we need you to show us where we can find this mystical sausage of Hitler.
Eduardo: Right. Snake, put the rest of Gilligan in a doggy bag. We might need him to fend off… the gremlins.
Snake: But… he's dead! We can't desecrate the dead!
Eduardo: Snake, according to the law of Zimbabwe, anyone who is a member of a Brazillian soccer team has the right to carry the dead.
Snake: I'm not a member of a Brazillian soccer team, and I'm pretty sure this isn't Zimbabwe.
Otacon: Well, it's not going to happen with THAT attitude. Now, pick up that half-eaten corpse, you big douche.
(Snake stared blankly at Otacon, his feelings hurt)
Eduardo: We haven't got time for this tomfoolery, we have to get to the Cave of Himmler, before dusk falls.
Otacon: Why?
Eduardo: Well, at night, the undead genetically engineered velociraptors come out and hunt down the living. They were also designed to only hunt down animals named "Snake" and "Otacon" and, seeing as all the cows on the island are named "Bessie", they're a bit hungry.
Snake: Well, that's just douche-tastic.
(night falls)
Otacon: What the douche?!
Eduardo: We're also very close to the North Pole, so night will last for around 3 months.
Snake: Dang.
Eduardo: And we're very close to the island made out of feces, so the smell will become unbearable soon.
Snake: Double dang.
Raiden: What a sucky island. Why do you live here Eduardo?
Eduardo: I like the smell of feces.
Otacon: That's gross.
Eduardo: Hey, the heart wants what it wants. And in this case, my heart wants feces and lots of it.
Snake: Oh Eduardo, you so cra-zay!
Eduardo: I'm not crazy, I'm just a sexually deviant talking coconut.
(Everyone laughs as they enter the cave of Himmler)
---
Narrator: So Indiana Snake, Otacon, Raiden, and Eduardo the sexually deviant talking coconut entered the ancient nazi caves, an...wait a minute. What the hell is going on with this story? Why the hell is there a sexually deviant coconut, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, the Yahoo Serious stuff was pretty messed up, but then there's stuff about Hitler's sausage? Were they on acid when they wrote this thing? I'm out of here. I can't narrate this thing. I've got better things to narrate. I turned down 'To Kill a Morningbird...Again!' to do this story. What the hell was I thinking?
Snake: All this cave walking is boring. Let's play a game while we explore.
Raiden: Yeah, that can be mildly amusing.
Snake: Ok, let's play the game where someone thinks of a famous celebrity, and then the other players guess who they are.
Otacon: Ok. Snake, I'll start. Someone ask me a question.
Snake: Are you in the music industry?
Otacon: Yeah.
Snake: Are you Bruce Springsteen?
Otacon: Dammit. You got it already. You're good.
Snake: No, I was talking to that guy behind you.
(Otacon turns around to see Bruce Springsteen standing behind him)
Bruce: Yes Snake, I am Bruce Springsteen.
Otacon: Jesus Bruce, you ruined the game!
Bruce: ...Oh...sorry.
(Bruce walks away, half the man he once was)
Otacon: What a douche.
Eduardo: Hey guys, shut up for a second. I hear something.
(They all go quiet. They hear tiny squeaks)
Snake: It sounds like...rats.
(A huge ball of fire bursts through the wall and incinerates Bruce Springsteen)
Snake: Oh wait, it wasn't rats. It was a huge ball of flames.
Otacon: And look at Bruce. He's completely burnt! It looks like he won't be Dancing in the Dark anytime soon. Or breathing, because his lungs are now just puddles of charred flesh!
Eduardo: Hmm... Bruce must've set off a trap, causing his horrifying and humorous death.
Snake: Then we must tread slowly, like raccoons.
Otacon: Raccoons in ninja suits.
Raiden: Hey, I have an idea. Let's use Bruce Springsteen's charred corpse to see if there's any traps ahead.
Eduardo: Yo, that idea's slick.
(Snake sees a tile on the floor that looks odd)
Snake: Hey Otty. Throw the corpse on that tile.
(Bruce's corpse lands on the title and a huge spear impales through it's head)
Snake: Ouch. Now that's what I call a splitting headache.
(The gang continues through the caves, using the corpse to set off a bunch of traps. On the last trap, the body is covered in lava)
Snake: Ouch. Now that's what I call a splitting headache.
Otacon: Shut the hell up Snake! You've been using that same joke over and over again. Even when the body got shot in the crotch, you said he had a splitting headache. Work on your one-liners!
Snake: Hey, I took one-linerology in University. I've been making clever remarks about violent deaths since you were a baby!
Otacon: Oh yeah. What do you say when someone gets stabbed in the eye!
Snake: You give a sly smile, and then you say 'Looks like he had a splitting headache'!
Otacon: No you fool! You say 'Looks like we don't see eye to eye!'
Raiden: Hey guys. I don't want to break up your lame fight, but there seems to be a huge spider monster over there.
(Snake and Otacon look in the corner and see a huge spider making stabbing motions with a knife)
Raiden: Oh, this is just great. I'm going to get shanked by a huge spider. That fortune cookie was right.
Huge Spider: Shanked? No way. I'm just showing you my knife. Isn't it nice?
Snake: Wait a minute. You can talk?
Huge Spider: I'm a huge spider. What did you expect?
Snake: Well, I thought you'd be evil and stuff. You'd try to catch us in your web, but then we'd escape and kill you with fire arrows.
Huge Spider: That's not me at all! I'm studying Metaphysics in University. I live with my girlfriend, a huge mosquito, in a apartment in Madrid. I haven't killed anyone!
Otacon: Then what are you doing here?
Huge Spider: Making stabbing motions with my knife.
Snake: In a nazi cave?
Huge Spider: Where else would I make stabbing motions with my knife.
Raiden: Good point.
Snake: So huge spider, do you want to join in on our crazy adventure?
Huge Spider: Hell no. I've got my wicked knife, I don't need you douches.
(The Huge Spider gives them the finger and scuttles off)
Eduardo: That's the meanest giant spider I've ever met.
Otacon: Wait a minute...he was a giant spider!?
(Suddenly, a bright light shines in the room, illuminating a pedestal in the center of the room)
Eduardo: Whoa. Check out that pedestal. That's a nice pedestal.
Snake: You're right. I haven't seen a pedestal that sexy.
Otacon: Agreeed. It's a snazzy pedestal.
Snake: What about that pedestal at that pedestal store in New York. I actually think that one might've been nicer.
Otacon: I don't know. That one had a kind of gothic design to it. This one's more post-modern, and I like that in pedestal design.
(They walk closer to the pedestal and notice a mysterious sausage sitting on it)
Eduardo: Hey, check this thing out. I think it's Hitlers magical sausage.
Snake: I don't know Eduardo...it just seems too convenient. I bet this is a fake sausage, to keep us busy from finding the real sauage.
Otacon: Ok Snake, if you believe that, then where's the real sausage?
Snake: I bet it's inside the pedestal. If we break it open, we'll find the true sausage inside.
Raiden: Why would Hitler put his magical sausage in the pedestal?
Snake: Because he's sneaky!
Eduardo: Ok. Someone charge into the pedestal headfirst. That'll get it open.
Snake: Wait. I have a better idea.
(Snake throws the mutilated corpse of Bruce Springsteen into the pedestal and it falls to the floor in pieces)
Snake: Thanks Bruce. Looks like you were Born to Run and Born to use your dead body for handy tasks.
(The huge spider walks back in, his face covered in horror as he sees the broken pedestal)
Huge Spider: Oh what the hell. I leave for a few minutes, and when I get back, someone's broken my pedestal. You guys suck!
Snake: This was your pedestal? Why did you put that sausage on it?
Huge Spider: Because it's s sausage holding pedestal, duh!
Snake: I guess that means the real sausage wasn't inside.
Huge Spider: No you douche! I put the sausage on top of the pedestal so no one would break the damn pedestal lookng for it! I left the sausage out for you, and you still have to go and throw a dead rockstar into my stuff!
Otacon: So Mr. Huge Spider guy, this really is the magical sausage of Hitler?
Huge Spider: Yeah. You wankers might as well take it. You destroyed the only thing that matters to me, my pedestal. All I've got now is my health, my creepy mosquito girlfriend, and this stabbing knife.
(The huge spider begins to make stabbing motions with the knife, his heart no longer in it)
Eduardo: Poor guy. I mean, poor huge spider monster.
Snake: Well, we've got the magical sausage. Now what?
Eduardo: Uh...I don't know. I guess we have to stop the Nazis or something.
Raiden: How? We're going to cook them a delicious meal with this sausage?
Eduardo: Well, I may know a way, but I don't think you guys are up to it.
Snake: Sure we're up to it. We just got shot down by Yahoo Serious, we saw Bruce Springsteen engulfed in flames, and we ruined the life of a giant spider. What could be worse?
Eduardo: Well...this is much worse.
Raiden: How much worse? Like, how much Sister Act 2 was worse than Sister Act 1?
Eduardo: Much worse.
Snake: Just tell us already.
Eduardo: Well...and get ready to pass out from fear, because this is pretty horrifying.
Otacon: Tell us!
Eduardo: The secret to controlling the power of the sausage can only be learnt in...KEVIN COSTNER'S HOUSE!
Raiden: Sounds great!
Snake: Yeah, yeah- wait a second, didn't Raiden die from a kitten bursting out of his chest?
(Raiden is actually Yahoo Serious, but he isn't wearing a disguise or anything)
Yahoo Serious: Yeah, but I got better.
Otacon: Are you REALLY Raiden?
Yahoo Serious: I think it's obvious that I am.
Snake: Good enough for me, let's go over to Kevin Costner's house.
Otacon: Where does he live?
Eduardo: Over in South America.
Snake: And how do you propose we get over there?
Yahoo Serious: We can take my zeppelin!
Otacon: Even though Raiden never had a zeppelin, I'm going to agree that going on this zeppelin is the best course of action to take.
Snake: Well, if we have a zeppelin, why don't we just go to that Midnight Oil concert?
Yahoo Serious: Because you're a douche.
(Snake stared blankly at Yahoo Serious, his feelings hurt)
Eduardo: We ought to start moving.
Otacon: Sounds like a good idea.
---
Narrator: Hey, I'm Tom Petty, replacing the old narrator. Hold on, let me catch up with the story… Whoa, that was fucked up. I mean, seriously, they just killed The Boss. And what is the deal with them not realizing that Raiden is Yahoo Serious? That just seems rushed and tacked on. I mean, seriously, what kind of a slipshod job is this story? What? Oh, right, what's just happened. Well, they managed to escape the cavern, and they got into the zeppelin… what a bunch of idiotic douchebags couldn't recognize that it was Yahoo Serious? Anyway, they flew off to South America and landed on Kevin Costner Island…
Snake: This is a pretty fancy island.
Yahoo Serious: Listen, guys, I have to level with you… we're probably going to die here.
Snake: Why's that, Raiden?
Yahoo Serious: Well, Kevin has a habit of killing his guests.
Otacon: How?
Yahoo: Through… THE THREE TRIALS OF COSTNER!
(dramatic thunderclap)
Eduardo: Sounds sexy.
Mysterious Voice: Oh, they are.
Snake: Yahoo Serious?!
Yahoo Serious: What?
Snake: Huh?
Yahoo Serious: I mean… uh… I'm not Yahoo Serious.
Snake: Haha, that Raiden, he so cra-zay.
Mysterious Voice: Silence, intruder! Prepare for the first trial on my island!
Otacon: YOUR island? Then you must be…
Mysterious Voice: That's right, Hal, I'm… JACKSON BROWNE!!!
(dramatic thunderclap)
Snake: Wait… Jackson Browne?
Jackson Browne: Yeah?
Snake: Isn't this Kevin Costner Island?
Jackson Browne: Oh, no, he lives just down the island chain. Just head past Gordon Lightfoot Island, but it's before Peter Garrett Island.
Eduardo: Thanks, Mister Browne!
Otacon: Those are handy directions, but what if we get lost?
Jackson Browne: Knock On Any Door.
(Narrator: Oh, that was just horrible.)
Jackson Browne: Quiet, you. We can all still remember 'Wildflowers'.
(Narrator: I'll be good.)
(a few hours later)
Snake: Well, here we are on Kevin Costner Island.
Otacon: Shut up, Snake, you stating the obvious doesn't help in the fact that Kevin Costner captured us and imprisoned all of us in his dungeon.
Eduardo: Shhh, here he comes.
(Kevin Costner enters the dungeon)
Kevin Costner: Okay, you boys, I'm afraid that you must go through… THE FIRST TRIAL OF COSTNER!
(dramatic thunderclap)
Snake: Well, this is douchetacular.
Otacon: What is the first trial?
Kevin Costner: You have to watch… Waterworld!
Eduardo: Anything but that! I'd rather sniff poop!
Snake: You're a sexual deviant, you enjoy the smell of poop.
Eduardo: Good call.
Kevin Costner: Quiet, and enjoy Waterworld…
(a short while later)
Snake: Oh God, the movie killed Raiden!
Otacon: Whoa, that's pretty crazy. I didn't know movies could actually kill you. Apart from the Special Edition of Dragonheart. The way it threw napalm around your house when you were asleep was pretty doucheworthy.
Kevin Costner: Oh yeah, I ate your coconut friend.
Otacon: That's okay, we didn't like him much anyway.
Snake: I liked the little douche.
Otacon: Yeah, but you're a freak.
Kevin Costner: Haha, that Otacon, he so cra-zay. Let's get some ice cream and braid each other's hair.
Snake: You read my mind, Costner.
---
Narrator: And so, they had an enjoyable night, and learnt the true meaning of Christmas. There's more to it then just the birth of Santa. Thanks for enjoying this story, and remember: just because you don't understand the music and film references presented to you doesn't stop you from becoming a normal member of society. File-sharing programs are your friends, embrace them before the machines enslave humankind and force us to work in the RAM mines.