Today, we have a match between Final Fantasy VII hero Cloud Strife, and newgrounds.com Engrish favorite CATS of Zero Wing, and of the famous "All your base are belong to us."
Furious J wrote the preshow, BigCow wrote the match, and Seadragon and I wrote the aftermath.
Preshow
Cloud wasn't in his locker room. He was just sitting at the now empty stadium. He hadn't even bothered stretching or practicing… Hell, he had even thought about not bringing his sword for this fight, but had decided the fans came for a show. He had been disgusted by Link in the first round, completely decimating that poor AiAi, but now he felt compelled, almost obligated to humiliate this CATS in a similar fashion. This is different, that monkey was nothing, if not cute. He didn't have the right to do that. But this guy.....is so......annoying. He thought back to the other day when CATS had confronted him.
"HAHAHAHA, your destruction for time is up!!!!" he had said laughing maniacally.
How could you respond to a threat with such deplorable sentence structure? He had just walked away, trying not to kill the idiotic robot before the match. It wasn't just him either. Everyone seemed annoyed with CATS. Whenever he walked into a room people would all be like, "Oh hey, look at the time, gotta go." Or "I really should be training for my big match." He had heard Link use that one before his battle with AiAi.
"Oh well," Cloud thought aloud. "At least I have an easy win today."
The sound of footsteps echoed in the empty arena, seeming almost to respond to Cloud's statement. Turning around, Cloud was not very surprised to see Auron striding up to him.
"Even with the victory at hand, the warrior should not let up until its obtained." said the wise old swordsman.
"This coming from the guy who was so disgusted by Link's slaughter of the monkey?" Cloud responded.
"There is a difference between a complete victory, and a slaughter. I merely say this to convey a message."
"What message is that?"
"This is the round were people begin to gauge their opponents. My young friend Tidus was not prepared and was...well he faced the consequences. If you intend to gain the respect of your fellow combatants, now is the time to do it."
"Thanks for the advice, old man, but I don't need it, I wasn't intending on repeating Link's disgusting performance anyway." Cloud said rising from his seat. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a battle to win."
CATS with power stood was in arena. Cloud soon would rain tears, CATS thought. Sword was be striked in owned head.
CATS had been alien to fight humans. Commander great of ships, he would fought now against human. But his sleeves were containing tricks. Killing zigs, he could destruct Cloud.
Cloud made sigh and walked to CATS. Cloud was alien, his mind to CATS illogical. CATS thought about thoughts of near dead foe. CATS laughed in capital letters.
"HA HA HA."
----
Cloud shook his head. His opponent looked like some alien cyborg mismash. CATS had giant green hair that stood straight up. My hair is way cooler, that just looks like a cucumber. CATS wore a purple cape that concealed most of his person. It's not like he needs the help, everything he does is incomprehensible.
The alien's laugh was beginning to annoy Cloud. He had no doubt that the alien would just stand there laughing forever if he didn't make the first move. Cloud pulled out his sword and decided to rip apart CATS's cloak, just for starters.
----
CATS held at sword no fear when swung. Blade hit him but did not. CATS ripped Cloud new one in dimension, force blow of missed. CATS reached fist and hit Cloud. Cloud more than hurt startled. CATS threw and beamed Cloud.
CATS laughed at Cloud's disorientation. "IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT DIE. GIVE IT UP, YES."
----
Cloud still couldn't believe he missed. His sword had been lined up perfectly, and CATS hadn't even moved. By all rights, he should have hit him. Instead, CATS had turned the tables and knocked him backwards with some sort of energy blast. The whole thing felt wrong. Well, if he wants to do this the hard way...
Cloud returned his sword to its scabbard and extended both of his hands. He carefully recited the incantation for a spell he was sure CATS couldn't dodge, whatever his abilities.
----
Surprise took CATS as ground shook. CATS phased and blipped, but earth sunk CATS. CATS stood on back rather than feet now, with boulder on his top. CATS heard human above stands complain about damage. CATS shook with rage.
"YOUR TRICKS ARE NOT WINNING. BEHOLD THE POWER OF MY ZIG!"
CATS summoned ZIG fighters. Sky was now been fill by ship. Shot of ship shot rock on CATS. CATS stood as ships flew to enemy. Cloud's abilities of whatever could not be fighted in army.
"ZIG SHALL MOVE YOU CLOUD! YOU BE DEATHED IF YOU DO NOT GIVE IT UP!"
----
Cloud kept getting madder. The alien barely seemed rationally affected by his attack. He was trying to do it a favor by not annihilating it in one blow. And now he was calling in outside help. Well, two can play at that game.
The audience, already in a panic from the flying whirlwind of ships, let out a collective gasp as Cloud simply vanished from the Arena. With the exception of Aeris, Sephiroth, and a few others, Cloud's disappearance was perceived as a retreat.
However, Cloud's fading form was soon replaced by a giant dragon. Bahamut... the king of the dragons. The giant beast sent out spurts of flame at the ships that buzzed around him like gnats. Bahamut took to the air, and the ships followed.
CATS laughed at the dragon. Along with spouting non-sequiturs, it seemed to be all he knew how to do. "YOU SCALES SHALL HAVE DIE BY METALS AND GUN!"
The crowd flinched as they saw the fire surge through the air-but Bahamut's blasts were incredibly focused, and the ships disappeared and faded away upon being destroyed... like they were never really there.
Finally, the giant dragon disappeared and Cloud returned. The remaining ships began to converge on him again.
----
With dragon destroyed, Cloud had come back. CATS taunted human with great repitition.
"NOW YOU SHALL TRULY SEE ALL MY BASE"
CATS saw electric hit ZIG and flame hit cloud. Electric won. Last ship failed by split in two. CATS head shook. Sword attack me for nothing, not so ship. Ship happens.
----
Cloud looked at his foe with a mix of rage and annoyance. The alien had bugged him enough. Cloud leaped in the air above CATS and executed an omnislash. His sword whizzed through the air dozens of times, but managed to strike CATS more often than he missed. Cloud looked at CATS who didn't seem to be bleeding, but was obviously in pain, as he had fallen to the ground. Cloud sighed.
"Had enough?"
"YOUR SWORD OF WEAKNESS SHALL BE YOUR DOOM UNLESS YOU USE IT ON YOU."
Cloud rolled his eyes, and slashed CATS across the chest. Eventually, the alien chief would either take a hint, or collapse.
"HA HA HA HA"
Cloud cut off CATS cape and threw it over his mouth.
"SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB"
CATS somehow set off an explosion. Cloud jumped back instinctively, and saw CATS covered in ashes, and looking worse than before.
"HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN? I'M FINE, THANKS"
----
CATS was having flashbacks. His alien life passed before his alien eyes.
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO U.S."
CATS felt sword again. He was having hard time getting it on, but he must talk.
"YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DEST..."
----
Cloud banged CATS in the head with the flat of his sword. Why won't he shut up? Cloud tried hammering the hilt of his sword into CATS skull.
CATS coughed, and looked Cloud in the eye with a sad expression.
"THERE ARE NO INFIDELS IN BAGHDAD. NEVER. WE SHALL DESTROY THEM WITH..."
But the alien had finally passed out. Cloud sighed for what seemed like the millionth time. Well, that was surreal.
Aeris stopped scratching her head long enough to cheer. Auron nodded his head. Cloud glanced at CATS nervously, but the alien's chest was still rising and falling. Good. Score one for self-control.
Cloud sighed yet again. He was glad that was over with. It may not count as a warm-up, but at least they were done with the enigmatic CATS.
Cloud's Locker Room
Thank god this goofball's been beaten.
It was a gathering of the sullen and the moody in Cloud Strife's locker room. Squall Leonhart, perhaps the exact opposite of a social butterfly, had joined Cloud for a little chat. Though little was actually being said… For Squall, this visit to show his congratulations was a major show of emotion.
"…Nice job."
"Thanks."
"…Just saying, though… I used the dragon first."
Cloud grunted.
"It was all I could really think of… Drawing out a fight against this guy was not something I could have done. Maybe he couldn't have outfought me, but he certainly could have driven me crazy."
The Arena
It had been 12 hours after the definitely odd battle of CATS and Cloud. The coliseum was deserted, the viewers had gone home, and the staff had cleaned up.
Well… With one exception.
CATS, the completely mad alien, was still out cold on the arena floor, just like he had been for the last twelve hours. He had been left to rest and recuperate… But now, it was time for him to prepare to leave the dimension, just like the nine that had lost before him. Medical staff picked up the beaten and battered body of CATS and carried him to his locker room. Even for the insane alien, there were things to finish before he vanished from the dimension.
First among those tasks, though, was dealing with the memory problems that had been caused by Cloud's absolute beating on the alien.
"What did happen on me?" asked CATS.
The medical staff was non-committal. Like the rest of those from the dimension, they had been unsure whether to be scared or amused by the laughable character that CATS was. They had personally settled on both. But amused or not, CATS's unpredictability was too much for many people.
Not noticing the lack of response from his audience, CATS continued voicing his thoughts.
"Alas... Return we shall time next, and then all your base are belong to me! HA HA!"
So CATS retrieved his scanty belongings, and was back to the futuristic world of Zigs, war, and life in deep space. The man that was perhaps the most eccentric of the entire sixty-four had returned to his own world.
Elsewhere…
Sephiroth had not yet trained in the training center. And he didn't intend to.
He was powerful, as he always had been. His arrogance led him to believe that no one could defeat him, and that Link's victory last year was a simple fluke. He had crushed worthy foes last year, and he firmly believed that that irritatingly powerful swordsman, Link, hadn't defeated him, he would have won last year. That mistake would not be repeated this time around.
So he simply watched his enemies, as they trained. He lurked in corners, seldom unveiling himself to a group of people that were likely already wary of him… Rumors spread fast around the tourney, and Sephiroth knew that Cloud and Aeris would be warning everyone they knew about his menace. With so many strangers gathered, what limited information that people were willing to share was, of course highly regarded.
So they've already decided that I'm a scourge on them, a shadowy figure that will manipulate and attempt to destroy them all.
I do not claim that these fears are falsehoods… What they believe is truth. But it will help them little in the end.
The silver haired man very rarely even concentrated on those around him, though. He was always thinking about himself, and how to gain power. When he went in to the arena; he would go in with the same devastating power that he had always utilized. The flame, the sword, and the manipulation of the mind.
It was very narcissistic. But that was how Sephiroth always had been. Once it got into his vindictive, clever mind that he had to be the almighty God of all… The one-winged angel would do all that he could for that power. Just like his mother had taught him.
Ramza Beoulve didn't like it.
Ramza was too used to experiences with "Gods", those people trying to achieve ultimate power... He had had too many problems with them in the past. Ramza had learned what happened to those that were given absolute power, whether it was Vormav, Wiegraf, or others… They were corrupted by that power, and lost the humility that Ramza thought as so important. After you first experienced that godlike power, your mind immediately fell into evil and greed.
And it seemed that Sephiroth was in that mold. The one-winged angel, was, as Ramza had both observed and gathered from others, completely corrupted by power.
Ramza just watched. He wasn't impulsive, he wasn't going to rush up to the silver-haired power, and attempt to finish it off then and there. It had never been his way… And it was against tourney rules. But the young man of Ivalice would have his chance soon enough. If you lasted long enough, you would meet any rival in the coliseum. This tournament had a way of settling scores.
Round 3. I've faced self-proclaimed Gods before, and I've beaten them. Sephiroth, in the end, will fall just like Ajora did… A mortal man, in the end, without the almighty power that could set him apart.
----
Duke Nukem and Tommy Vercetti sat glumly on a bench by the training center.
"Vercetti? Still nothin'?"
"Nah."
"These chicks here... A robot, a chick that wants to be a robot, that flower girl... Damn. They're supposed to be attracted to me! The hell's goin on?"
"They just don't know what they're missin."