I'm really sorry for the long delay on this one, guys… I've been busy, and this one took a lot of editing. So bear with me, the rest of the fics will start coming up much faster.
Well… For the next ten days… And then I go on vacation…
But don't worry, alright? If you read and liked this story, it will reach its end, and you'll see it here on these pages.
Today's match is between Yoshi of Super Mario Bros. fame, and the most foulmouthed squirrel in the business, Conker. Furious J wrote the preshow, Seadragon76, in what was his final writing piece for the group before he was the first writer to leave us, wrote the match, and StopPokingMe wrote the aftermath.
This is also the match with perhaps more swearing than the entire rest of the first round of fics... Conker and Vercetti are in rare form.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Preshow
"Holy fucking shit! Jesus fucking Christ, it feels like someone hit me in the head with a fucking sledgehammer."
Conker, the most foulmouthed squirrel of them all, awoke the morning of his match with the mother of all hangovers. Finally awakened, he groggily tried to stumble his way to the bathroom so he could wash his face, hoping that some water would wake him up a bit. But only five steps from his bed to the seemingly far-off bathroom, he tripped over a body lying in the middle of his floor.
"Jesus, my ribs!" said Tommy Vercetti, the owner of said body. "Why did you kick me in the fucking ribs?"
"Sorry, Tommy, didn't see you there." mumbled the squirrel, still fumbling his way into the bathroom. The cold water on his face made him at least partially aware of his surroundings. "What the fuck did we do last night."
"Damned if I know," mumbled the still groggy Tommy Vercetti.
Conker thought back to the previous night and began to remember a few vague details. He and Tommy had gone to a local bar to get drunk. No one else had been willing to go with them, the fucking wusses. So it had just been the man and the squirrel, alone at the bar, drinking enough to kill a lesser man.
Suddenly, as Conker tried to piece together what had happened from the few things he remembered, there was a movement in the bathtub. Conker went into fight mode, pulled out one of his Uzi's and yanked open the shower curtain.
No wait… There was one other bastard drinkin with me and Vercetti last night. Max Payne came too. Sprawled out in front of the squirrel, unconscious in the bathtub, was Max Payne, the cop. Conker chuckled to himself, then turned the cold water on and walked out of the bathroom to hear a very loud yell behind him. When he got out of the bathroom, Tommy had managed to get himself upright. It was amazing how quickly Vercetti had recovered from how much he had drunk last night… He had even more alcohol in his veins than the incredibly hung over Conker, but he was hardly different from his regular self.
Maybe the gangster's just drunk every fucking minute.
"Was that that stupid cop loser?" Vercetti asked rubbing his head.
"Yeah, but he's awake now." Conker said grinning.
"I don't see why you invited him along anyway."
"You can't do a good drinking game with just two, I wish Duke Nukem could've come, that would've made it awesome."
"Do you think with scored with that chick he was chasin'?"
"Nah, I've seen cavemen who are smoother with chicks than that guy."
As Tommy and Conker chatted amiably, their much more disgusted fellow drunk lurched out of the bathtub, over to where the squirrel and the mob boss stood and talked.
"That was really fucking funny, Conker." said a drenched Max Payne.
"Really? I thought it was, but I didn't think you would." Conker replied.
"Anyway, don't you have a match in....-5 minutes?" said Max grinning.
Conker looked at the clock. "Ah shit!"
The Arena
Fans from all around the universe gathered inside the arena and waited for the next match of the tournament. Today, the announcer that had came and went for the first several bouts had returned for a match. The cute and loveable Yoshi was facing off against the foul and vulgar Conker.
"Entering the arena, the helper of everybody's favorite plumber and the friendliest dinosaur you'll ever see...YOSHI!"
Yoshi entered to a huge cheer. He was the favorite, in both the minds of the fans and of the odds makers, and he didn't want to disappoint. It was time to prove he wasn't just another dinosaur.
"Entering the arena, the smacktalking squirrel who certainly ain't for kids....CONKER!"
Conker entered with enough weapons to put Ratchet, KOS-MOS, and ten just like them to shame. He didn't care what Yoshi or anyone else thought, he was indeed a dirty minded, messed up squirrel. Tonight, it was gonna be Dino Steak on the menu for Conker the squirrel.
A gong sounded in the upper reaches of the arena... the signal to begin.
Yoshi was not one to wait for anyone else to make a move before he jumped out to the battle. As soon as the gong sounded, he grabbed one of the many eggs that had become his favorite weapon, and rolled it across the ground, straight at the heavily armed squirrel in front of him.
Conker was quite amused.
"What the fuck? What is this shit? You son of a bitch, you think you can beat me up with a fuckin' egg? What are ya gonna fuckin' do with it anyway? What's in the fuckin' egg?"
Conker was enjoying the eccentric antics of the dinosaur in front of him, but it was boring him very quickly. As Yoshi prepared the eggs that the dinosaur seemed so confidant in, Conker rifled through the substantial arsenal that he had brought with him, looking for something… anything… that could end this bore of a battle quickly. Conker just wanted to see some explodin' dinosaur.
Through his exhaustive analysis of his weaponry, Conker was able to settle on a fairly simple object to do the job for him today. What the squirrel held in his hand wasn't anything fancy by any means. However, Conker was confident that it would get the job done against someone like Yoshi.
The big guns I've got are wasted on this damn shrimp. I could take him out with my bare fucking hands, but this is quicker.
Conker pulled a simple hand grenade out of one of the many pockets on his black body armor, and held it up above his head, staring straight at his opponent. Ideally, this would have been the moment that Conker would have spouted off a one liner, and thrown the explosive grenade straight at the dinosaur in front of him. But Yoshi didn't give the squirrel a chance.
The egg that Yoshi had been preparing was ready. Holding it out before him, Yoshi jumped into the air, almost seeming to hover in the odd style of jump that he always employed, and tossed the egg straight at the slightly less smug squirrel in front of him.
Conker didn't have time to dodge. The egg whizzed straight at him, and broke all over his face. Not only could he not see in front of him with all the shards of egg on his face… That egg to the face had hurt like hell. Conker was as dizzy as he had been just a few hours ago, when he had woken up from one of the biggest hangovers of his life. So the fact that he had a grenade that was about to explode in his right hand temporarily left the squirrel's mind.
Luckily for the vulgar squirrel… A squeal of sorts from Yoshi brought him back to reality three seconds before the grenade exploded. Even then, though, there was only time to panic, toss the grenade as far away as possible, and yell one choice word.
"SHIT!!!!!!!!"
Luckily for Conker, the grenade exploded far enough away that it only slightly singed his fur… he wasn't blown to the crisp that he would have ended up as if he had held onto the grenade. But that didn't make the squirrel any less pissed off. Conker had a few choice words for the dinosaur that smirked in front of him.
"Fuck you!!!!"
Yoshi, sensing Conker's anger and sudden lack of confidence, attempted to finish the squirrel off like he had so many koopas back in the Mushroom Kingdom… But this time, all Yoshi was able to accomplish was simply licking the side of Conker's coat.
This didn't make the squirrel any happier.
"What the fuck are you doing? Are ya tryin to kiss me or somethin? So ya like kissin other men, you're…"
Conker's litany of most definitely politically incorrect insults came to an abrupt end when Yoshi's hard foot came in contact with the squirrel's head. Conker was wearing a helmet, as always… It went with the body armor. But the strength of the dinosaur made him feel the pain even through his protective gear, and the dizzy spells Conker was starting to live perpetually in returned again. But they subsided quickly this time around… The little squirrel was resilient.
Enraged now, Conker pulled out yet another grenade from his vast arsenal. He lobbed it at Yoshi, standing still in front of him, but Yoshi had a different idea than the "blow the little bitch up to fuckin' smithereens" plan that Conker was utilizing.
Yoshi, in another of his trademark moves, simply swallowed the hand grenade that was flying, set to explode, at his face. Almost instantaneously, the grenade reappeared to the arena at large… But now, it was encased one of the many eggs at Yoshi's side.
Yoshi smiled in an amazingly similar way to Conker's earlier smirk… and he lobbed the egg, ticking grenade inside, right back at Conker.
It occurred to Conker far too late what lay inside the egg flying at his face… Once he realized where his grenade had gone, or, more aptly, was going, he only had time for one reaction. And since he was Conker the squirrel…
"#&$%&#$%!!!!!!!!!!!"
AftermathYoshi, the victor, headed back to the locker room along with his constant companions, Mario and Luigi. On the rare occasions when the dinosaur wasn't eating, he could always be found with the veteran plumber and his brother.
Mario pulled the other two inside and shut the door quickly before anyone from the throngs looking for an autograph could follow. The three were in high spirits after Yoshi's easy victory, one a bit too high. Yoshi staggered into the room and sat down heavily on a bench.
The dinosaur almost always had a smile on his face, but this time it was even more pronounced, and his eyes somewhat unfocused. He fumbled with the laces trying to take off his boots.
"You okay-a there, Yoshi?" asked Luigi as he took a seat next to Yoshi. Yoshi turned to him grinning and squeaked his unique Yoshi-call as he gave a thumbs-up sign.
Mario walked over. "Okey-dokey guys, here's-a why I've-a got you here." Yoshi hiccupped. "Hey-a Yoshi, you aren't-a drunk-a, are you?" Yoshi shook his head vigorously and emitted another Yoshi-call, interrupted by a hiccup. The brothers shot the dinosaur skeptical looks, and after a moment, Yoshi rethought his response and nodded.
"Uh-oh." Said Luigi. "You-a remember the last-a time-a this happened? At-a Toad's-a party?"
"Poor-a Peach. It's-a too bad she had-a to be named after a fruit-a." Mario chuckled. He stopped suddenly and looked at Yoshi. "Mama mia! You didn't-a even eat-a Conker! All-a you did was-a lick him! What was he-a doing, rolling around in-a the 200-proof before-a the match?"
"That's-a what it smelled-a like-a to me," said Luigi. "And-a we were on-a the other side of-a the stadium!"
"Oh well. Just-a try to pay attention." Mario lowered his high-pitched voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "You've-a both seen-a the bracket, okay. I'm-a in-a the South, Luigi, you're-a in-a the North, and-a Yoshi's in-a the East. The way I-a see it, we get-a DK in on-a this, and-a we can sweep-a this whole-a thing!"
"That's-a it?" asked his brother. "I could have-a told you that. But there's-a some pretty spicy lasagna between us and-a the final four-a."
"That's-a why I've-a got a trick up-a my sleeve." Mario reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of flowers, mushrooms, stars, leaves and feathers. He divided them up among his companions. Luigi stuffed them away in his shirt. Yoshi simply gobbled them all up and laid several eggs.
"I figured-a that-a wasn't you're only-a one you gave-a me before. What about-a you, Mario?" Luigi asked as they got ready to leave.
"Don't-a worry. I won't-a be pushing up-a the daisies any-a time soon," Mario assured him. "Besides, I've-a got my own-a stash. You just-a see me if-a you run out."
"Okay. Hey-a wait. What's-a that you say you're-a gonna do with-a Daisy? You better just-a stick with-a Peach!"
Mario just hung his head and helped Yoshi steer himself out the door.