Chapter 3: Sex Ed With Professor Steph!
A Sensual Wish – chap 3- Sex Ed With Professor Steph!
By: iNiGmA
Disclaimer: I don't own HP and I realllyyy wish I didn't own this chap either, but most unfortunately I do and it is proof that I must be totally high on something!
A/N: Another quick update…. Hmn, I think I must been high when I wrote this lol… I'm sorry that it's so crazy… I'm sorry to all Malfoy fans…. REALLY sorry…. And enjoy and please review when you're done and don't flame too violently….\
"Oh. My. God." Harry gasped.
"Who's she?" Ron muttered.
"You know… her…" Harry whispered, glowing scarlet.
"Ooh, her….?"
"Yes, her."
Steph spoke again and they both looked up to stare at her.
"You people all hate Potions, don't you?!" She called out.
No one spoke.
"HELLO!" She screamed. "ARE YOU PEOPLE DEAF? DON'T YOU ALL HATE POTIONS? HELLO – ANSWER ME! YES OR NO?!"
Everyone shrunk back from the noise.
"WE HATE POTIONS!" Ron yelled from the back.
"THANK YOU!" Steph yelled back.
She raised Snape's wand and waved it around. All Potions-related crap disappeared from the room. Two semi-see-through, revolving, 3D, life sized, nude, models of a man and a woman appeared next to her. Everyone stared.
"SCREW POTIONS!" Steph yelled. "WELCOME TO SEX ED!"
Stares. Laughs.
"What's wrong you people?" Steph cried. "Don't any of you even know what sex is?!"
No one answered.
"Are you all scared of me, or something? I'm not gonna eat you or anything! Hello, I just saved you from Snape!"
"Yeah, she's right!" Ron called. "Hermione, your void test doesn't matter anymore!"
"OMG, THAT'S RIGHT!" Hermione screamed happily. She jumped up and started dancing around the room. All the Gryffindors then got up and followed her example as they danced around the room singing, "NO MORE SNAPE! NO MORE SNAPE!"
The Slytherins, in turn, hid in a corner, shaking.
"GET THOSE DAMN SLYTHERINS!" Steph screamed.
The Gryffindors jumped on the Slytherins, screaming loudly.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Steph laughed, watching the full blow-out war taking place before her. Suddenly, someone grabbed her around the waist. She whirled around to see Harry standing there, grinning at her.
"You're crazy…" he muttered.
"And you're hot," she replied.
She jumped down on him from the desk and they both toppled to the floor. She kissed him hungrily.
"You're so damn sexy, Harry," she whispered, breaking her lust-driven attack of his lips, tongue, and mouth for a few seconds to talk to him.
"I dunno where you came from, but I sure hope you never leave," he whispered seductively into her ear.
Harry slipped his hand into her shirt, searching. His hand was playing with the clasp of her bra, when suddenly a sign appeared in front of Steph's face. She squinted at it, annoyed.
Focus, Steph, focus! SEX ED, REMEMBER! NO FRIGGIN SEX IN THE CROWEDED CLASSROOM – WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR ONE SECOND AND YOU… YOU…. GRRRRRRR! JUST GO AND TEACH YOUR FRIGGIN SEX ED AND THEN YOU CAN HAVE SOME LATER, OK?! OK?!
"Someone's mad…" Steph muttered. With a sad sigh, she stood up to realize that the noise around her had somewhat diminished.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked, confused.
"Sex later," she chanted to herself over and over again. "Sex later, sex later…."
"What?" Harry asked, staring.
"I SAID WE'LL HAVE FRIGGIN' SEX LATER!" She screamed.
The room went deadly quiet.
"GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS, PEOPLE!" Steph screamed as loud as was humanly possible – or even louder. Everyone scrambled to their seats frantically. She looked around at them all with a huge grin.
"Now," said Steph, "it's time for some Sex Ed!"
She turned to the model of the woman. "Now," she said as she pointed at the chest. "THESE ARE BOOBS!"
Half the boys in the room let out a resounding whoop. Hermione looked amazed at their immaturity. Steph ignored them all.
"Now," she said, "there are many different names for boobs – chest, breasts, tits, titties – ooooo, you know there's actually an anime character called TITI? Hahahahaha!"
"Um… what?" Ron muttered.
(Note – Harry doesn't talk much in class 'cause he's spending the entire period staring at Steph and thinking dirty thoughts :P)
"Yeah, Titi, his name is Titi, hahahahaha!"
"OK?" Some random person called out.
"Right you are!" Steph called. "The rest of the body now! Now, this here is the vagina, dudes! And that over there on the guy is the penis! Penis and vagina – it's a match!"
"I prefer cock and pussy!" Malfoy called.
"WELL YA NO WHAT?!" Steph screamed so loudly that he shrunk back, "PENIS AND VAGINA ARE THE REAL SCIENTIFIC NAMES, YOU ASSHOLE, SO SHOVE THAT UP YOUR ASS, OK? PUSSY IS A STUPID FUCKING WORD AND COCK? WHAT ARE YOU – A ROOSTER? ARE YOU A ROOSTER, MALFOY?! IS THERE A ROOSTER HIDING IN YOUR PANTS?!"
Malfoy turned scarlet and started to cry.
"My mummy told me that the other kids wouldn't make fun of me for it!" He wailed. "You're mean!"
Everyone within the vicinity of Malfoy backed away very quickly.
"Wow, I so didn't need to know that…." Steph muttered. She raised her hands in prayer.
'Thank you, Rin-dude, you're brilliant,' she thought.
Another sign appeared in front of her face.
Now problem, dude! You know how I love torturing him, hahaha… anyways, later dude…. Now, Yasha….. SHOW ME SOME LOVE!
"Right…" Steph muttered, returning her attention to the class.
"YOU HAVE A ROOSTER INSTEAD OF A DICK, MALFOY?!" Ron hooted gleefully.
"SHUT-UP!" Malfoy yelled. "SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP! IT'S A FAMILY MUTATION PASSED DOWN BY BLOOD!"
"That's impossible!" Hermione cried. "You can't have a rooster instead of a penis! You can't have a male chicken instead of a reproductive organ! It's completely impossible!"
"SHUT-UP!"
"Ooooh Draco, how do you pee?!" some Slytherin girl called.
"So your dad has a rooster, too? Then how did he have sex?!" Another girl called.
"Can I touch it, Draco?!" Pansy Parkinson shrieked.
Malfoy jumped up with an angry yell.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed, running for the door. "I HATE ALL OF YOU! DIE! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE GONE TO DURMSTRANG! NO ONE THERE GIVES A SHIT IF YOU HAVE A PENIS, A VAGINA, OR A ROOSTER! BUT NOOOOO, MY MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME!
"NO, DRACO, HONEY, SHE SAID, NO ONE AT HOGWARTS WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU, I PROMISE! HARRY POTTER IS GOING TO HOGWARTS AND YOU HAVE TO BE THERE TO MAKE HIS LIFE MISERABLE! AND DURMSTRANG IS REALLY TOO FAR FROM HOME.
"WELL FUCK YOU, MOTHER!"
He ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him while everyone stared.
"Wow…" Hermione muttered.
"Would you look at that?" Harry muttered. "I think we genuinely hurt his feelings…"
"Do we care?" Ron asked.
"Not at all," said Harry.
"RIGHT YOU ARE, SEXY HARRY!" Steph screamed. "NOW BACK TO SEX ED!"
She walked over to the model of the man and grabbed the penis. Some people stared at her, confused. Some gasped.
"What are you doing?!" Someone cried.
"SHUT-UP!" Steph screamed. They all did. "Now," she continued, "the guy's penis gets erect when the dude is sexually excited, such as so!"
She tapped it with her wand and it grew long and erect.
"This is quite a big penis," said Steph. "But Harry's is bigger."
Harry toppled off his chair and landed on the floor with a thud.
"Don't get too excited just yet, Harry," called Steph loudly. "Save it for later tonight, OK?"
Harry emerged from behind his desk, blushing furiously.
"Ooooh, Harry, what have you been doing?" Seamus called.
"You slut!" Pansy called to Steph.
"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, BITCH! I KNOW WHAT YOU AND GOYLE HAVE BEEN DOING IN THE KITCHENS!" Steph called.
Pansy glowed scarlet.
"What do you mean by that?!" Crabbe yelled, outraged. "YOU TRYIN' TO TAKE MY GIRL FROM ME, GOYLE?!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'MY GIRL'?" Goyle exploded. "PANSY IS MINE – I JUST SLEPT WITH HER LAST NIGHT! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"
"LAST NIGHT?! ME AND HER JUST SCREWED THIS MORNING INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST!"
"Now that I did not know," muttered Steph, intrigued
Goyle jumped on Crabbe and they started rolling around on the floor, screaming and punching each other. Steph hopped over to the door and flung it open. Crabbe and Goyle eventually rolled out through it and she slammed it shut behind them before returning to the desk.
"So much for Crap and Soil," she said, clapping her hands together. The Gryffindors cheered. Pansy shrunk into a corner, trying to evade the revolted stares.
"Aaaannnyyywaaayyyy," continued Steph, "after both man and woman are aroused, they'll have sex. There is oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex. I will concentrate on the last one 'cause it's the shit! There are many different positions to have sex. I will now demonstrate the most usual one."
"What, you and Harry will?!" Ron called out.
Harry and Hermione both smacked him upside the head from two different sides.
"Ooooooo, we'll see her naked!" Some Slytherin guy called out.
"OOOOOO, we'll see Harry naked!" A different Slytherin guy called out.
The room grew very quiet. Harry sunk very low into his chair.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear all that…." said Steph. "Anyway, NO, NOT WITH ME AND HARRY! THIS IS A SEX ED CLASS, NOT A SHOWCASE OF THE LOVE THAT HARRY AND I SHARE!"
"Then with what?" Ron asked, confused.
"Why, with these dudes!" Steph called happily, pointing to the two nude models. With a tap of Snape's wand, they moved toward each other and proceeded to have sex on Snape's desk.
"Wooowww," Ron muttered, mesmerized. "It's magical…."
Many other people's eyes were also glued to the pornographic display which I will definitely not describe in any sort of detail.
"Disgusting…" Hermione muttered, turning away.
Steph sat on the desk next to her creation, grinning widely. Suddenly, the door burst open and the most revolting person within the vicinity of Hogwarts (and most likely the whole existing universe) burst in, accompanied by Draco Malfoy.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?" She squeaked.
Her tiny eyes darted around the room, taking in every single detail. She smiled evilly. Steph, however, wasn't the least bit put out.
"Well, well, well," she said with a huge evil smile. "If it isn't Umbitch…"
Wow… what will crazy Steph do next?! What will she say to Umbridge (Umbitch, as I prefer to call her..)?! REVIEW IF YOU WANNA KNOW!
A/N#2: Like I said, I think I was high on something…. Lol… Was that too crazy? And there actually is an anime character named Titi. Lmao… Kamyu Titi from Sequence. I's an awesome manga and you can check it out on Aku Tenshi (if anyone's interested). ANYWAY, PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!
harry's4menotu: Is this too much cursing, or it's fine? I mean, you didn't say 'fuck'… lol… don't worry you and Harry will soon get alllllllll the alone time you want! Like that talk he promised you, lol… I just have to stick in some funny shit first. Talk should be next chap.
Agent Paper: TY! I love InuYasha toooo wheee! Though I'm possibly going to move on to Titi or not… HAHAHA TITI! THAT'S SO FRIGGIN HILARIOUS, I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM! BUT HE'S HOT! LOL… sorry, off topic, so ty for the review!
hikaru-chan: TY DUDIE! Really, funnier than the Yuki/Kyou friends scene? OOoooh, but that was so funi! There, I wrote more, ureshi desu ka? Ja ne, dudie!
-iNiGmA-