Disclaimer: I'm tired of this. I can't think of another one-liner that explains that and why I don't own anything.
A/N: I'd like to thank The Beatiful South for their album "Blue Is The Color" and the weather gods for making it rain today.
Not Meant To Be - Chapter 6
Looked at objectively, the morning of her homecoming is an exceptionally beautiful one.
Fleecy clouds are scattered across the bright blue sky and the expensive cars in the hospital parking lot sparkle in the sunshine. A slight wind stirs the leaves of a tall tree the top branches of which reach up to her window on the sixth floor.
She pulls the chair from her bedside over to the window and slowly lowers her body onto the seat. Damn episiotomy.
Here she sits, hands slammed into the pockets of her pink fuzzy bathrobe, her hair still wet from the shower she just took, staring at her pale reflection in the window pane.
Thank God that hospital policy doesn't allow for visitors to come before noon.
Thirty more minutes of being able to just be herself lie ahead of her and she sighs gladly. Thirty minutes until she will be forced to return to the world of the living. A world that includes an inn that needs to be run, dozens of nosy townies, a family and a husband who deserve to be loved and a nursery that needs to be... She doesn't dare to think of what they'll have to do to the nursery. And what if he's already done it? Cleared it out.
She dreads her return. And she feels guilty because of that. Unconsciously, she begins biting her bottom lip as she makes a feeble try at sorting through her muddled feelings.
It's not that she didn't like to have her family and friends around at the hospital, in fact they even managed to distract her from the dark thoughts that clouded her mind whenever she was alone.
The problem simply was that they didn't manage to make her feel better at long sight - all their visits left was a feeling of deep exertion.
In the back of her mind she knows that things like these happen when you put on a show for people. 'Wonder Woman Hanging In There'. Yeah. That's what her show should be called.
They all tried to reach out to her, to help her get through this. And she did them the favor of not crying or screaming although she certainly felt like it 59 seconds out of 60.
The hours Rory spent stroking her back while she stared into space and gritted her teeth, Emily's silent embraces, Richard's informal clothing, Sookie refraining from bringing Davey with her when she came by and Luke's almost constant presence in the hospital she knows he hates – all of theses gestures warmed her heart, but they weren't able to melt its frozen core.
It seems that it would be better for all these people to just leave her alone in the future.
Afraid of accidentally dragging them down with her, she is not going to risk really taking the hands she is offered, anyway.
Taking these hands would mean crying and screaming. And she doesn't want them to have to put up with that. When from time to time they already felt annoyed by a witty and talkative Lorelai, how could she expect them to endure a Lorelai all frantic with grief and anger?
She decides that the black hole she's been sitting in for the past week is to remain hers alone. She will find a way out of it on her own. Sullen determination makes her set her jaw.
"Hey", she hears him greet tentatively from across the room and snaps out of her daydream.
"Hey yourself." Seems like visiting hours have begun. Time to go home.
He's next to her now, bending down and placing a small kiss on her right cheek. He's clean shaven. For the special occasion, she snorts inwardly.
"How're you?"
"Okay."
"Packed up your stuff already?"
"Nope." Monosyllabism is a trait she never prided herself to possess. At least not until this week.
"Why not?" he inquires gently.
"Because I was too Goddamn tired!" She really doesn't want to snap at him, but it happens nevertheless.
"Oh. Sorry."
When she turns around she sees him reaching into the closet repeatedly, stuffing her clothes into a red carry-all.
"You realized that I'm still wearing my bathrobe, didn't you?"
"I... uh, sure. Here." And with that, he places the red bag on the bed, motioning for her to get up and pick out some clothing to wear for the ride home.
She lifts herself up from the chair with a sigh almost inaudible and makes her way over to the bed. His eyes follow her as she walks, but she doesn't look up to meet the gaze she can feel on every inch of her skin.
When did she forget how to chatter through every moment of her life, never mind how uncomfortable or embarrassing?
Mindlessly, she grabs some articles of clothing and disappears into the adjoining bathroom. Behind her back she hears him shift his weight from one foot to another and then turn around to complete his task of emptying out her closet.
The bathrobe is quickly discarded onto the floor and when she is about to button her jeans, she realizes that this is the first time since the fifth month or so that she's wearing what is considered "normal" clothing.
Okay, it's not one of the tight pairs of jeans she used to wear all the time before she got pregnant, but it's one of the more comfortable, larger ones that she keeps in her closet for days spent at home. They also come in handy when one has a belly that doesn't fit into normal jeans any more and isn't yet big enough for maternity wear.
She gulps down a sob and slips on a hooded sweater before hastily turning to leave the bathroom. The bathrobe on the floor is forgotten and thus her foot gets caught in the fuzzy pink material, causing her to lose her balance.
Before she knows what exactly has happened to her, he is already there, kneeling beside her on the white tiles.
"I... I just -" she stutters, tears beginning to blur her vision. It didn't even hurt that bad. Why the tears?
"Shh, it's okay. Are you hurt? Can you move?"
"Yeah, I'm alright", she sniffles, already struggling to get to her feet. Wonder Woman.
But right now she really doesn't seem to be the Wonder Woman she fancies herself to be most of the time. It's not fall-induced pain or injury that make her collapse against his broad shoulders, but sheer emotional exhaustion the weight of which suddenly threatens to crush her.
She feels sore inside and out. The pulse beat hammering in her ears reminds her of a noise she immediately associates with the sonogram appointments they went to.
"I miss him so much!" she cries into his flannelled shoulder.
"I know you do." His arms reach around her and he draws her closer.
"How can I miss someone I never even met?" her voice has turned into a whisper.
"We met him, Lorelai. It's okay for you to miss him. I miss him, too", he says, obviously trying to sound as soothingly as possible.
"This isn't fair!"
"No, it isn't."
"I don't wanna go home, Luke. I'm afraid everything's gonna remind me of him. And I'm afraid nothing's gonna remind me of him. I don't know what I want!" Her fear of facing the inevitable has risen to the surface. She doesn't want the nursery to be there when she comes home and she doesn't want it to be gone, either. All she wants is their son.
"We can –"
"What if someone in town sees us coming home? What if they ask about the baby?"
"They won't, Lorelai."
"Did you tell them?" she asks in a shrill voice.
"They just won't, believe me. They're not gonna ask."
"What happened?"
"You sure you wanna hear about it?"
"Luke!" She pulls away from him and gives him a determined look out of eyes shining with tears.
"Alright. They were there when I came home the first night. Something like a surprise party. They wanted to congratulate." The tone of his voice betrays how much it must hurt him to speak these words.
"Oh God", is all she can manage before she sinks back onto his shoulder. But this time he doesn't let her rest there.
"Come on. You need to get up!" he commands and slips out of their embrace.
"No."
"Yes, you do. The floor's too cold."
"I don't care."
Wordlessly, he helps her to her feet and really it is him doing most of the work, but she can't help it right now.
"Luke?" she asks as soon as she is standing upright again.
"Yeah?"
"You know I love you, right?"
"Of course. I love you, too. Let's go home, okay?" A gentle kiss is placed on her forehead and for the first time in days they really look at each other. Hurt and despair are clearly displayed in his face and she knows that there's nothing left in her eyes that could accidentally remind him of the Wonder Woman he married one and a half years ago.
But she doesn't allow it to remain like this for very long. Feeling the need to brace herself for the walk through the hospital corridors and especially for the ride home and through Stars Hollow, she commands Wonder Woman to appear on stage this minute.
And so she does, although somewhat weakened by her fall to the bathroom floor and into his arms.
After he has collected the last items from the nightstand and folded the tangled mass that is her formerly beloved bathrobe, Luke wraps his arm around Lorelai's shoulders and they exit the room without looking back.
Perhaps she will after all consider taking one or two of the hands reaching out to her. Even Wonder Woman needs to rest every now and then.