Disclaimer: I'm just a poor student, okay? Does that answer your questions, officer?
A/N: Firstly, a huge THANK YOU goes to those of you who reviewed. Secondly, I thank Nena for her song "99 Luftballons". Thirdly, I thank the person who translated it into English. And that's it for today.
Not Meant To Be - Chapter 7
They sign Lorelai out at the nurses' desk, confirming that yes, she's had the last check-up this morning and that yes, she'll be seeing her obstetrician in due time. Do they want the nurse to give them a list of places they can get psychological counseling at, in case they feel it's necessary?
She takes the list, hands it to him and he stuffs it into his jeans pocket. Sweat breaks out on his forehead at the thought of the infamous "couch" every person offering psychological help inevitably owns. He manages to give her a gentle squeeze with the arm that is still wrapped around her shoulders and then they walk down endless white and artificially illuminated hallways towards fresh air and daylight. Finally, he thinks.
When they step out into the parking lot, his forehead has dried and he doesn't leave her side until they have arrived at the passenger door. He opens it for her and then watches her climb into the passenger seat.
He can't help but wince when he hears her let out a little moan as she sits down, but at the same time he knows that there's absolutely nothing he can do. Some scars, the emotional ones, they share, but not the one paining her right now.
Having sat down in the driver's seat, he sees her fasten her seat belt from the corner of his eye and concludes that she must be ready to go.
"You ready?"
"No", she simply states and then turns to look at him with a bitter smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, "is 'no' an option here?"
"I don't think so", he says and shakes his head at her, feeling the need to be honest. Not knowing what else to do with his hands until he gets a reply from her, he keeps them busy by adjusting his baseball cap.
Meanwhile, she settles back into her seat and sighs. It occurs to him that in a situation like this – when he has to deny her something – she usually is quick to make a witty comment showing her disapproval or mocking him because he once again has to act as the voice of reason. Not so this time.
"Let's get going, then". Now that's an order for him to work with.
But when he is about to turn the key in the ignition, a sudden vision of what should have been afflicts him, causing his hand to stop mid-motion.
A baby-boy in the backseat.
Next to him an extra bag full of balloons and presents. Not just the stupid red carry-all.
He can even imagine himself honking the truck's horn upon their arrival in Stars Hollow. How very out of character that would have been. Luke, honking a horn. And how it would have felt completely right nonetheless.
Announcing the homecoming of Stars Hollow's newest mother and baby.
Well, today it's just the mother he's about to bring home. Julian is to follow as soon as arrangements have been made.
Arrangements... Do they even manufacture caskets that small?
"Come on." She pipes up and with that rips apart the cocoon of thought enclosing him. The tone of her voice is gentle as her left hand touches his right. White knuckled it is still clutching the car-key.
"Sorry", he mumbles almost completely under his breath and then doesn't lose any time to get the car started.
It seems that neither of them knows what they are supposed to talk about once they are out on the highways and country roads that lead them home. After all, there is nothing to talk about except loss. Loss and how it makes them feel. Certainly nothing one needs to discuss with the sunny countryside of Connecticut flying by outside the window and while traffic needs to be paid attention to.
So he focuses on the driving, silently wondering whether life will ever matter to them again.
While in hospital, she never wanted him to buy her a newspaper or a magazine, so after a few days he quit asking. As soon as he realized that piling them up on the kitchen table was all he did with the newspapers he got for himself, he stopped buying them as well. Neither Rory nor him ever switched on the TV. He can't even remember what exactly they did when they weren't at the hospital or at the Grandparents' house.
Thank God for Lane and Caesar, he thinks as an image of the Diner pops up in front of his mind's eye.
He still finds himself completely disinterested in whatever might be going on outside of the microcosm that is his family and he suspects that she feels the same way. Otherwise she wouldn't have had him turn off the radio the very moment they pulled out of the hospital parking lot.
"Please, no." Her words echo in his memory.
Sitting next to him with her head leaned against the window, hands folded in her lap, she is just as silent as she has been all week.
As often as he wished for Lorelai to be rendered speechless at least once, he certainly never thought that one day it would really happen. At least not this way.
Today the well-meaning citizens of Stars Hollow seem to have mercy on them. Hardly anyone is to be seen when they drive through what could be referred to as the downtown area and they reach home without being stopped a single time. Even the usually unpredictable traffic light with the apparent dislike for his wife doesn't dare to switch to red when they approach it.
They are spared all the awkwardness that would surely have ensued once a familiar face out in the streets had given in to the need to greet or even try and console them. Oh boy, is he glad.
Luke is unaware of the huge sigh he heaves as soon as the truck is parked in their driveway. Only the distorted smile she offers him in return makes him realize that some sort of noise or even utterance must have escaped his mouth not too long ago.
"Wanna go inside?" he finally asks.
"Do we have a choice?" she asks back, playing the game she already knows so well by now.
"I don't think so."
"Alright. Who's there?"
"Rory and your parents. They wanted to come over. I couldn't keep them -"
"What did you do with the nur- "she pauses, "with the room?" Breathe, Lorelai!
"I didn't do anything 'cause I thought we might wanna do it together. You know, to -"
She nods silently and tries to widen the smile she so expertly – or so she thinks - faked for him only moments ago after his sigh startled her from her fearful thoughts. These thoughts have been with her ever since they left the hospital parking lot and a certain song played on the radio. She hates the eighties with a vigor not known to her before as it resounds in her ears over and over again.
99 dreams I had
In every one a red balloon.
It's all over and I'm standing pretty
In this dust that was a city.
If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here.
Feeling her husband's worried gaze search her face for clues as to what she might be thinking, Lorelai asks herself whether it's possible to be afraid of one's own house, of one's own life.
And so it comes that a minute later she willingly takes the hand Luke extends to her from where he is standing next to the opened passenger door. Perhaps she has just found her souvenir.