A/N: Just to let ya'll know I am not a Catholic although I am a Christian. But if I got somethin wrong let me know.
When Elliot pulled into his driveway he sat in his car, thinking about what he was going to say. Ah screw it he thought after a couple of minutes and got out of his car. He looked at his watch as he walked up to the front door. It was 11:30. He shook his head and walked inside. Maureen was sitting on the couch with Liz's head on her shoulder. He came over and sat down next to his daughters. His movements caused Lizzie to stir then she opened her eyes.
"Hi Daddy." she said, half asleep.
Elliot smiled. "Hey sweetie."
Lizzie yawned and closed her eyes. Elliot stood, picked her up, and carried her to her room.
MAUREEN'S POVI watch as Daddy carries a little too big Lizzie up the stairs. He doesn't look like the man I know. His normally straight shoulders were now slumped over with fatigue and grief; his eyes were bloodshot from so much crying. Its kind of scary seeing Daddy like this. When he came back down he slumped into a chair.
"How's Dickie and Kathleen?" he asked.
"Dickie is doing fine but…"
"But?"
"I don't know about Kathleen. She didn't say one word on the way back from the city. When we got home she went straight up to her room." I said. I was really concerned, she didn't even cry. That wasn't normal according to the psychology books I had to buy for college. Dad knows this too; he's been around plenty of grieving parents, spouses, and children.
"I'm going to bed Daddy." I said getting up. I go over to him and kiss him on his cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too baby girl."
As I start to go upstairs I look back at him. What I see shocks me; my dad looks old. I have never known him to be old. He's actually very young compared to the dads of all my friends; my parents were only eighteen when mom got pregnant with me. But what I see tonight is a man who's lost his wife he loved so deeply.
ELLIOTS POVI see Maureen looking at me out of the corner of my eye. But I don't pay any attention to her; my thoughts are directed to Kathy. In my mind I see her beautiful smile, I hear her laugh, her eyes always sparkled when she laughed. I get up and go into the kitchen. I don't know why I do this; I guess I'm just trying to find something to do. I walk over to the refrigerator and open it. My eyes settle on the full six-pack of beer. My mind was telling me not to but then again I don't listen to my mind half the time so I grab the six-pack and go back into the living room.
He went over to the stereo, put on a Led Zeppelin CD and sat down on the couch. He opened up the beer and started to chug it like he had done in his high school days. He drank until the beer was gone. Great now I'll have a hangover he thought. He started to drift off to sleep, mostly from being drunk, when there was a soft knock on the front door. He got up from the couch and stumbled over to the door. When he opened it, he was face to face with his partner.
"I wanted to check to make sure you were alright." she said when she saw his puzzled look.
Elliot just grunted and let her in.
Olivia could tell he was drunk from the glazed over look in his eyes and from the empty beer bottles on the floor. Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven was playing. She looked over to him, sitting on the armrest of the couch.
"I'm fine Olivia so you can go now." Elliot said after an intense stare down.
"You're drunk Elliot," she said walking over to him, "your wife was just murdered; I wouldn't call that fine."
"Thanks… thanks a lot Liv, you made me feel so much better." Elliot snapped sarcastically and went into the kitchen, Olivia following him. He went to the refrigerator and pulled out another beer. "Want a beer?"
"Elliot seriously put it up."
As to answer her he opened it up and began to chug it down again.
Olivia grunted. "Forget you." She walked out of the kitchen. He heard her open and close the front door. He finished his beer and went back to the living room. He didn't know whether or not to sleep in his and Kathy's…his bedroom. He finally decided to sleep on the couch; the bedroom just had too many memories, good and bad. He looked at his watch; it was 1:00. He sighed and laid down.
He had just gotten to sleep when the phone rang. He let the answering machine get it.
"Elliot I know you're going through a difficult time, but please don't make the same mistake I did. What I'm trying to say is just to be smart. I want you to take a few weeks off, be with your kids. And Elliot take care of yourself."
Did the captain not know that he wanted to catch the bastard who killed his wife? But he didn't want to leave the kids, especially Kathleen. I guess I'll ask Maureen in the morning. He fell asleep with Kathy on his mind.
Elliot woke up the next morning with a terrible headache and to the smell of bacon. He looked at his watch; it was 9:00. He got up and walked into the kitchen where his children, all but Kathleen, were eating silently.
"Morning Daddy." Maureen said as she handed him a plate with scrambled eggs and bacon.
"Morning. Where's Kathleen?" he asked as he made some coffee.
"She won't get up. She said that she's not hungry."
Elliot had to talk to her but he had to get ready. He hadn't meant to sleep this late. "I'm a… I'm going into work today." he said breaking the silence.
Maureen looked at him but didn't say anything. Elliot finished his breakfast, thanked Maureen, and went upstairs to take a shower. When he walked into the bedroom, he was met by the sweet smell of Kathy's perfume. God I've always loved that smell he thought as he walked into the bathroom.
THE 1-6 PRECINCT 10:00 A.M.
Olivia sat at her desk looking at all the blank paperwork in front of her and thinking about her partner. How could he go home and get drunk when his children were home? He had to look after himself; she had to look after him… if he would just let her.
"Olivia… hey." She snapped back to reality to hear the captain calling to her. "We have a rape-homicide over on Broadway. Take Fin with you."
"Wait Cap'n!"
Olivia and Cragen turned around to see Elliot walking through the squad room doors.
"Elliot what are you doing here? I told you to stay home with your kids."
"Captain I have to get this guy." Elliot said, pain and anger filling his eyes.
"Elliot I understand but you need to be with your kids."
"I can't Captain! Everytime I look at them I see Kathy; I just can't be with them right now."
Cragen sighed. "Are you sure you can handle it?"
Elliot nodded. "Yea I can."
"Ok well we got a rape-homicide on Broadway. You two get over there."
Olivia and Elliot nodded and walked out in silence.
Once in the car he broke the unbearable silence. "Look I'm sorry about being a jerk last night Liv."
Olivia shook her head. "I don't understand how you could do that."
"Do what? Get drunk? If so you really shouldn't be talking." His eyes now glowing with anger.
She paused, thinking about what he had just said. "Screw you!" Her eyes too glowing with anger. She was scared; he could still be drunk. Who knows what he would do when he was drunk and mad.
"You know what screw you; I'm not the one who asked you to come check on me!" he snapped.
"Well excuse me for thinking of you Elliot!"
He glared at her. He knew she was right; in fact he was glad that she had come last night, who knows what he would have done. But who is she to question him getting drunk? Its not like he was going to go on a drunken rampage.
Olivia glared back at him. She couldn't believe he had said that to her about being drunk. He knew about her past and her mother. Why was he being such an ass? She knew it had to be tough on him but still…
Elliot was brought back to reality by honking horns and insults. The traffic light had turned green. He took a right onto Broadway. When Elliot had turned the car off he said, "We'll talk about this later," and got out, his face still fuming.
Two hours later Elliot and Olivia walked back into the precinct. They hadn't talked to each other unless their job needed them to and when they did talk they couldn't agree on anything. The captain started to notice something around 1:30. His two best detectives were arguing, really arguing, over what to have for lunch.
"That's it, you two in my office now." he said after a good fifteen minutes of bickering of whether or not to have Chinese or Quiznos. "What the hell is the matter with you two?" His eyes going from Elliot to Olivia then back again. After a minute without an answer from either one of them he yelled, "Hello am I talking to myself?"
Elliot cleared his throat and said, "We've just had a little disagreement."
Cragen nodded and said, "Well you better start getting along you understand?"
"Yes sir." Olivia and Elliot simultaneously said, both sounding like scolded school children
"Good, Olivia you can go, Elliot stay here." Once Olivia had left his office Cragen suddenly switched from pissed off boss to concerned father mode. "Elliot go home."
"If you send me home all I'm gonna do is lock myself in my study and put myself in a drunken stupor. But if I stay here…"
"If you stay here your ass is going to be on desk duty."
"Captain if you put me on desk duty I will work twenty-four seven on my wife's case, even if I'm not on desk duty I will be working my fucking ass off trying to find the bastard who murdered my wife!" Elliot yelled breaking down into tears.
Olivia, and the whole squad room, heard Elliot's outburst. She went back into the captain's office to see Elliot in tears, sitting in a chair. Why had she been a bitch to him? She looked at Cragen who nodded and walked out. Olivia bent down in front of Elliot, between his legs. She put her hand underneath his chin and gently raised his face so that she could gaze into his mesmerizing eyes. She wiped away his tears that were falling down his face, when she did this it reminded her about the time when Elliot had done the exact same thing about three years ago when her mother had drank to much and died. Now the roles had been reversed. She had never seen him like this in the five years they had been partners, he had always been the strong one mentally but now he was weak and it was killing her.
"Elliot I am so sorry about this morning. I wasn't thinking about what you were feeling." Olivia said, stroking his face soothingly.
He looked into her chocolate brown eyes that he adored. "Don't worry about it Liv." he said, barely above a whisper.
"Please take a few weeks off Elliot, for your kids…and for me."
Elliot nodded and got up. "Could you do one thing for me?"
"Sure anything."
"Find out who Cruz's brother-in-law is and where I can find him."
"Elliot…"
"Liv please."
Olivia nodded.
"Thanks Liv." Elliot said, coming over and giving her a kiss on the cheek.
She watched him walk out, his shoulders somewhat straight. Why the hell did I just say that I would do that? she shouted at herself. What was he going to do when he does have that information? But she did say that she would do it.
Elliot walked out to his car, feeling somewhat confused. Why did he want to know all of that? What was he going to do, kill him? Yea that sounds pretty good he thought, making up his mind. Did he just say that he was going to kill a man? Oh lord forgive! He prayed. Wait the Lord took his wife away from him. Oh forgive me God! What was he going to do? Father Joseph! Of course! Elliot had gone to him on many occasions including when he had gotten Kathy pregnant out of wedlock. He remembered that day as if it had just happened.
He had just gotten out of football practice. Kathy was waiting for him outside of the locker room. He smiled and went over to give her a kiss. When he pulled back he saw tears in her eyes.
"What's the matter?"
"Elliot I'm pregnant." She said through her tears.
He stared at her in shock. After a few minutes he turned and walked in the locker room. He was thankful that the guys had already left; he couldn't face anybody right now. How the hell could he have let this happen? He sat down on the floor. I have plans…had plans. I wanted to go to college and play ball but now I cant because of my stupid idea I am going to be a father, me a father! God dammit! He started crying. He wanted a future, how could he have a future when he was only eighteen fucking years old and a dad! After an hour of sitting in the locker room he finally got up and got dressed. He decided to go talk to Father Joseph. He walked out to his black '66 Ford Mustang and drove to his church. When he walked in the dipped his fingertips in the holy water and did the Sign of the Cross. He walked into the cathedral and saw the father placing Bibles in the pews. Elliot stood in the entryway looking around. There was an old man in the front praying furiously and a sister replacing flowers.
"Mr. Stabler how can I help you?" Father Joseph asked in his gentle voice.
"Can I talk to you in private Father?" Elliot asked, his voice trembling.
"Of course follow me."
When they were in the father's office, Elliot sat down in a chair and started telling him why he was here.
"What do I do Father?" Elliot asked when he was done explaining.
"Do the right thing Elliot." That got a puzzled look from Elliot. "Think about it."
"Marry her." He said after intensely thinking.
Father Joseph nodded. "Not just marry her but love her and the child inside of her…your child."
Elliot sighed. He knew it was the right thing to do not just the right thing but also the Catholic thing to do.
"What will my parents think?" he thought out loud.
"I'm sure they will be supportive and I know you're thinking of what your father will think more than your mother, but don't worry my boy everything will work out."
Everything did work out even though his dad beat the living crap out of him when he found out; sure it had been tough with him in the Marines but it was money and they had needed money but Elliot had loved Kathy and their daughter with all his heart. Now half of his heart was gone…no ripped out by that son-of-a-bitch Cruz. God I need I help he thought. He massaged his temples then drove to his church.
ST. MARY'S CHURCH QUEENS, NEW YORK 3:30 P.M.
Elliot walked into the familiar foyer where he dipped his fingertips in the holy water and did the Sign of the Cross. He then stepped into the cathedral.
"May I help you?" A gentle voice called out.
"Uh yes Sister I'd like to talk to Father Joseph."
The sister nodded. "I'll go get him."
Elliot watched her leave and went to the front of the cathedral. He looked up at the wall-sized mural of Jesus Christ being crucified. He was suddenly aware of someone next to him.
"I recognize that face all to well Mr. Stabler." Father Joseph's gentle but quivering voice said. "I heard about Kathy, I am truly sorry Elliot."
Elliot nodded. "Father I need your help."
"Come in here." The father led him into a room. "What's on your mind my boy?"
"Father I… I want to kill the person who murdered Kathy."
Father Joseph looked down at his hands and sighed.
"I don't know if what you say is going to change my mind but I just…"
"Elliot my boy you are making a choice that will determine where you enter the Gates of St. "Peter or the Gates of Hell. Now I can't tell you what to do but you have to do what you feel is right."
Elliot nodded. He knew what the right thing was in God's eyes but he just didn't think it was right letting them get away with murdering his wife. "Thank you Father very much."
Once Elliot got out to his car he had figured out what he was going to do. All of the consequences were running through his mind, but he didn't care. All he wanted was revenge.