Note: This is my first Naruto fanfic. Kakashi and Iruka, shounen-ai, which mean boy love, baby! If you don't like it, please don't read it, or at least, give it a chance with an open mind. I don't own the characters or the story, and I'm sure they're all terribly out of character and context, but--I love these two characters so much that I wanted to write something for them. I'm sure there are similarities to other fics, but please know if I did it wasn't intentional in the slightest. May be a two-parter or longer if you like it. Please don't flame me, I cry easily! just kidding. but really, if you don't like it, just pretend you never saw it, ok?

"n" speaking

'n' thoughts

/n/ inner Iruka

XXXXX section divider

Dear Me,

No that's stupid.

To whom it May Concern,

That's worse.

scribblescribblescribble

Hey.

So, I've been thinking. To be honest, I've been doing nothing but thinking lately. I have to get this out of my head and onto paper before my hair falls out from the stress. At least I'm giving the appearance of working, even if I'm only writing a letter to myself. I'm going massively out of character by taking such a risk, heavens help me if one of these idiot Jounins get a hold of it. I'm actually shuddering at the thought. Yikes. Imagine explaining that one. Anyway, the subject of the day—Unrequited Love and How it Messes Up Your Life. Here's what I've come up with so far.

I've discovered that there's a world of difference between having a crush on a distant object and one that you interact with on a daily basis. The distant one can be easier if you can deal with the near-heart attack you have when they pop up unexpectedly. The lack of any concrete information or contact allows a certain freedom, a hazy interpretation of reality, if you will, that makes it possible. He can be anything you want, do anything you want, without any of that pesky reality horning in. Who cares if he's out of character? You don't even know his character in the first place! Rumor is enough, appearances are enough, heck--you don't even have to ever talk to him to make it work in your head!

Hmm, something about that sounds so wrong.

The downside, however, as if the upside wasn't bad enough, can be nasty. With the long-distance crush, you never know when he'll show up again. The longing to see him can drive you insane! It could be weeks, or even months, before his face reappears in your sights. You'd think you were finally over it, so proud of yourself for finally beating it, what the heck were you thinking, HIM?, the thrill had gone, baby, and

BAM!

--instant heart failure! The feelings overwhelm you with fresh intensity; your face sweating embarrassingly with anxious interest and possibilities while you try desperately to not look as if you're devouring him with your eyes and undressing him with all your mental powers. Sadly, most people don't actually possess the power of making people undress simply by using their big ol' brains. If only...

At least with the local crush you hopefully manage to avoid the sudden heart failure. A daily dose of love hormones outweighs that darn reality every time. Poor fool. Fantasizing becomes torturous, because the situation seems oh-so possible and frustratingly impossible at the same time. You know his character well enough that he fits right into the fantasy you've built in your heart, up to a point anyway. It kind of falls apart when you realize, yet again, that he'll never return your feelings no matter how carefully offered. Oh, the humanity!

Enough discussion of the pros and cons. All I know is that this friendship has become a painful two-way street. So close, yet so far away, my life is a pathetic cliché. Gaaah, how do I stand myself?

I could reach out to him, but what the hell would I do when he turned around? How do I face the man that has become my friend after all these years and under these circumstances, when everything I've presented to him has been false? He has no clue how hard it's been to mask the hope that flares to life every time he slings a careless arm around my shoulders, the awful awareness I feel burning over my entire body when he moves close to tell a joke, the joy I feel when he shares something that I know will only remain between the two of us. He can't possibly know the way I think of him when he leaves and I crawl into bed, alone again.

Why do I torture myself like this? Is Kakashi really all that I want in life?

Signed,

Me

XXXXXXXX

Iruka sighed and stared at the room blindly. His normally cheery face was gloomy and pensive as he rolled the thoughts around in his head. Probably hadn't been the brightest idea to write all this down at work, but he'd been feeling the anxiety and pressure building up inside him lately and just needed to release it somehow and right this minute. His problem had been tormenting him at all hours of the day and night, leaving him sleep-deprived and unsettled. Praying his foolishness wouldn't ever be discovered, he set about ripping the closely written sheet to shreds and settled the remains in his pocket to be disposed of at home. Couldn't be too careful, but setting the paper on fire in the middle of the assignment room would be a tad conspicuous. 'Gee,' they'd say, 'did you hear what Iruka did at work today? Just went crazy and tried to burn us all to death! Wonder what got into the dolphin to upset him so?' And so they'd go on and eventually a huge story would be making the rounds and then there'd be questions and oh, boy, don't want to go there! Nothing like overreacting to make things better. He held back a groan as he clambered to his feet, intent on finding enough caffeine to help him slog through the rest of his shift, preferably to be ingested by vein instead of by mug. Direct is best, right?

Iruka didn't notice the bright eye intensely marking his exit from the room.

'What was that all about?' Kakashi wondered.

XXXXXXXX

His closest friend had a problem and it was driving Kakashi nuts. They'd shared much over the years, told each other ridiculous personal things over sake, they'd laughed, they'd cried...well, maybe that was stretching it a liiiiittle bit, but hey, they were BUDS! Genius that he was, Kakashi couldn't figure it out. He worried about the younger man, but more importantly, though he only barely registered this emotion, he was a bit hurt that the Chuunin hadn't opened up. Iruka-sensei was known to fly off the handle and blurt out whatever was upsetting him whenever occasion had presented itself, reputation for politeness notwithstanding. If the scarecrow didn't know better, he'd almost think...

No, it couldn't be that. Iruka would have mentioned something, right? They'd been friends long enough, beginning back when Naruto and the others had become Kakashi's Team 7, almost five years now. Surely, the dolphin would have felt comfortable discussing something like this with him. Well, Kakashi did have that pervert reputation, but Iruka had gotten past his act by this point, don't you think?

'Act, heh,' Kakashi chuckled to himself. Well, it was mostly an act, put on to befuddle, amuse, and frustrate. A pretty good disguise, if he said so himself, which he did. Maybe Iruka was afraid he'd tease him about being in love. He shrugged philosophically. Yep, Iruka did know him pretty well after all. Kakashi's smile widened. This called for some investigating, and there was no time like the present! He put his trashy novel back in his pouch and emerged from the corner, hot on the dolphin's trail.

XXXXXXX

'Stupid baka!' Iruka called himself names under his breath with the coffeepot as mute witness. At least the coffeepot didn't try to help or tease. It just sat there, friendly and full of java, waiting for sleepy cranky people to come help themselves. He paused in his ranting for a moment and gave the pot a thankful smile. It never hurt anyone, after all. At least the break room was empty for once, so he didn't have to worry about anyone wondering about his strangeness today. He enjoyed the momentary solitude, mesmerized by the steam that curled lazily upwards from the dark liquid's surface. Iruka closed his eyes and let his head sag to the side as he contemplated his messed-up love life.

'Love isn't supposed to be so difficult, is it? Why couldn't I have picked someone easy to love? No complications, simple boring life, nice family? Why him? I mean, it's not the fact that he's a he; I accepted that about myself quite some time ago. Why does it have to be him? Maybe it's because we spend so much time together now that Naruto and the others have been promoted, maybe it's just proximity.' Iruka squeezed one eye more tightly shut as he discarded the notion quickly. 'If that's all it were, I'd be in love with half the shinobi in this village since I see them all the time when they hand in their reports.' He sighed again, this one even gustier than the previous ones in the quiet room.

'I can't tell him. I couldn't bear to see the look on his face...' Iruka smirked at the thought and amended the visual from horrified face complete with open hanging jaw to one highly outraged dark eyeball. Kakashi's mask and headband made it nearly impossible to see the usual expressions, but that one eye could tell you everything if you knew the Jounin well enough. It curved in the cutest way when he was happy, narrowed to a slit when he was in protective mode, softened so sweetly as he watched his students grow and achieve over the years. Iruka's expression turned a little foolish before he groaned out his frustrated longing to the room.

Five years was a long time to love someone with so little return. Well, friendship was no small gift by any means, but really, five years was quite an investment of one's self. They had gotten to know each other pretty quickly, beginning with their public quarrel over Team 7's involvement in their first Chuunin exams. Once Iruka had admitted his error, he had made an effort to befriend the other teacher in charge of Naruto's development. So maybe they didn't have the most in common, but they did just fine. The two of them never had a problem having a simple conversation, and the silences that fell between them were usually companionable.

'His friendship means so much, I don't want to jeopardize it,' he thought sadly. A tiny voice in the back of his mind decided now would be a good time to butt in.

/Oh, blah blah blah, honey. Jeopardize, my left cheek. You're just scared to do something about it. You've been comfortable with it the way it is. This way you don't have to do any actual work, you can just sit back and wallow in your misery. You're such a victim sometimes/

Iruka opened his eyes, startled. Where had that come from? The voice continued relentlessly.

/It's easy having a crush, distant or not. That letter was bullcrap and you know it. Crushes are all in your mind, you could stop it any time you wanted to, IF you wanted to badly enough. Love takes work. Love ISN'T easy, or pretty all the time, or safe. Crushes are safe, because you have no responsibility except to your own fantasy life. Love means standing up and doing something about it. What you feel for Kakashi, is it love or not? Did you just waste five good years on a crush? I don't think so./

'I didn't waste five years! I didn't.' Iruka tried to reason with himself. He knew it was love. The desolation he felt at the thought of never seeing Kakashi again was real, the fear he felt when Kakashi was on a mission was more than just being a worrywart, the lightness he felt inside when they were alone and hanging out wasn't just fantasized.

"So why haven't I done anything about it? Why have I let so much time go by when I could have told him?"

XXXXXXXX

"Could have told him what?" The jounin's voice was quiet and deep, sending a shiver down Iruka's spine, before he snapped into awareness. The Chuunin blushed and whirled around, trying to process the sudden appearance of the man he loved. He stammered for a moment.

"Uh...um... what was that, Kakashi-sensei?" Kakashi gave Iruka a puzzled look. That was odd. Was he avoiding the question? It seemed simple enough.

"Could have told who what?" he repeated. The dolphin tried to wet his suddenly dry mouth with a sip of coffee, but it sloshed over onto his hand, stinging it with heat. He yelped and put the mug back onto the counter, closely inspecting the injured appendage. Kakashi fought the urge to rush to Iruka's side, knowing the chuunin probably wouldn't appreciate his hovering for such a minor incident. He just brought out Kakashi's protective side for some reason. He rummaged in one of his pockets for the tube of burn stuff he kept handy and held it under Iruka's nose.

"Use some of this, it'll help." Kakashi frowned at the teacher who had yet to meet his eye. Iruka took the proffered medicine and began to apply it to the tender skin. His mind raced, hoping that Kakashi would magically forget what he had just heard and drop the subject.

"Thanks, Kakashi-sensei. Crisis averted, eh?" Iruka smiled at his friend, praying the question had been shelved permanently. He handed back the medicine and turned back to his coffee to try to calm his racing heart. The sight of the tall man so close behind him had fuddled his brain. Damn hormones. Lust could be so inconvenient, especially when the lust object was standing so close and could actually kill you with little actual effort.

"Iruka-sensei, are you all right? You seem very distracted today." Kakashi stared intently at the back of the chuunin's head, watching the younger man's ponytail swish as he shook his head in the negative.

"Oh, I'm fine!" Iruka said brightly, "Don't you worry about me." He yelped again as he felt hands on his hips, turning him around by gentle force. The two men stood nose-to-nose, Iruka's bright red with an embarrassed flush. Kakashi peered closely into the chocolate brown eyes of the other man, looking for clues.

"Then why were you talking to yourself and groaning and making faces?" Kakashi's one revealed eye crinkled in amusement and friendly concern.

"Um, you saw that? How long were you standing there?" Iruka inhaled deeply in an effort to even out his breathing, but Kakashi's nearness made it impossible. The scent of pine and fresh air and something slightly exotic assailed his senses. Couldn't Kakashi just wear Old Spice and give him half a chance of NOT liking something about him? He closed his eyes again, giving the appearance of mortification, but really trying to hide his emotions from his friend.

"Long enough, Iruka-sensei. You've got me curious now." Iruka peeked at the jounin, dismayed.

"Curious?" he squeaked. This couldn't be a good thing. How long could he last against someone like Kakashi on a mission of discovery? Weren't jounin trained to get information any way possible? His eyes widened in horror, imagining the possibilities. Later, when he was alone, he'd revisit the subject with much more pleasurable options, but at the moment it was a terrible idea.

"Just answer the question," Kakashi persisted. "Something's troubling you and I want to help. You should be honored, usually I'm too lazy to bother, but you're important to me and I want to help," he repeated softly. The dolphin looked like he was about to freak out. Kakashi grasped the man about the shoulders and leaned closer. "You don't look well and you're obviously upset about something. I thought we were friends enough that you could come to me?" Iruka sighed. Trapped.

/Don't waste another five years, baka./

'I won't,' he thought to himself. 'I just can't do it today. I've got to work up to it. I'm going to do it. I'm promising myself right now that I'm going to tell Kakashi how I feel about him. If he doesn't accept it, then at least I won't be wasting any more time, and if he does, then...then...well, I guess that's putting the cart before the horse. First confidence, then I've got to tell him, then I wait and see what he does.'

"One step at a time," he whispered, staring into Kakashi's eye.