Day 1,935
Haven't seen Sniffles around lately. No more archaeology lectures. Huzzah! Still forced to listen to the tall female Tauri's technobabble and O'Neill's jokes. Spent several v. pleasurable hours planning torture for O'Neill when fully mature.
Day 1,936
Suffering caffeine withdrawal. Didn't realize the fumes from Sniffles' morning java were so strong.
Day 1,937
New horror has entered my life. Heard unfamiliar voice, stuck head outside of Jaffa's pouch. Big mistake, almost blinded by glare from the creature's unnaturally bright teeth. Still suffering from caffeine withdrawal, apparently expresso fumes more potent than first thought.
Have nicknamed obnoxious creature 'Mr. Smarmy'.
Day 1,997
Forced to listen to endless buttkissing remarks. v. ill.
Day 2,005
Unlike Jaffa, have option not to look at cheesy smirk. Hah! Serves him right for turning Shol'va. I'll bet he wishes he'd stayed with Apophis. Feel sudden nostalgia for days of lectures and coffee.
Suddenly occurred to self that I too must put up with Mr. Smarmy.
Jaffa now under sway of Smarmy McPhoneypants. O'Neill last hope.
Day 2,010
Hopes dashed, O'Neill weaker than I thought. (File info. away for future reference.)
Mr. Smarmy is now new member of team. Somehow convinced bald guy that despite complete lack of qualifications and utter cowardice, he'd be perfect replacement for Sniffles. Obviously using some kind of mind control technique, v. effective.
(Note to Self: Discover secret to mind control technique. Will come in handy for world domination.)
Day 2,123
Mr. Smarmy still member of team. Now claims to be psychic. Seems to be accepted by all, except O'Neill. (Note to self: Will give O'Neill a quick death as reward.)
Am extremely nostalgic for days of coffee fumes and archaeology lectures.
Definitely must find out mind control secret.
Day 2,213
Tauri and Shol'va still under the malevolent sway of you-know-who (I don't mean Voldemort either. Jaffa closet devotee of Harry Potter novels. v. annoying!)
Day 2,250
Shol'va accepted dangerous mission. Will travel off-planet. Have good feeling about this.
Day 2,253
Both Shol'va and older Shol'va mortally wounded. Find myself passed around like cigarette in a Turkish prison. (Shol'va watches too much Tauri television.) Must keep both alive. Am aware of irony.
Most displeased.
Day 2,254
Am too young (and handsome) to die. Sadly, no sign of rescue. O'Neill continues to disappoint.
One consolation: will never see or hear Mr. Smarmy again.
Never did find out mind control secret.
Day 2,255
So this is it. Farewell, cruel worlds!
The End.