The Best Phantom Christmas Pageant Ever
(Act 1)

(Curtains rise as the orchestra tunes its instruments. First up is Christine singing "Angels I Have Heard in My Mirror" to the tune of "Ding Dong Merrily On High." No this is not a mistake on the author's part, Christine tends to confuse "Angels We Have Heard On High" with "Ding Dong Merrily On High". All the Glorias confuse the poor girl.)

Christine: (Steps up wearing a very pretty dark green dress, much like her blue Wishing dress, only green and Christmassy. In her hair is a tinsel hairpiece and she dons a mistletoe choker. Very pretty.)

Angels I have heard in my mirror
Come to me while I'm changing

Erik: (Visibly blushing) It was only that once. I didn't mean to...

Christine: And my little dressing room
Is filled with the Angel singing
Glooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-ooooooooria
Hossana in excelses
Glooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-ooooooooria
Hossana in excelses

Eve so here below below
Wait those aren't the right wo-ords...

(She stops singing and stares off into space, lost in thought. She wanders offstage trying to think of the right words.)

Erik: (Pokes his head out from backstage, then walks on, wearing his usual tuxedo) Ahem.
(he clears his throat and starts singing to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Deck the halls with bloody bodies!
Falalalalalalalala!

(A shepherd's crook comes onstage and yanks him off before he can sing anymore)

Firmin: (Walks on, wearing a tux as well)
Sorry, we didn't know he was singing that. Now, um, is the lovely miss... uh...
(He flips through the program to see who's next)
Raoul, Le Vicomte de Chagney with "All I Want For Christmas". Raoul, the song.

Raoul: (hums and twiddles his thumbs, not paying attention. He too, is wearing a tux. Not much variety for our gentlemen here, hm?)

Firmin: (through his teeth) Now!

Raoul: (looks startled, then dashes onstage) Oh, right!
(singing with a bit of a lisp)
All I want for Christmas is my two...
(He stops, looking perplexed, trying to find the right words. The audience looks a little below his waist expectantly. Suddenly, he remembers)
Front teeth!
(the audience snickers)
What? I do!
(He grins, revealing a hole where his two front teeth were. The audience laughs harder)
I lost them in a fight with Erik! Honest!

Christine: (from backstage) No you didn't, I knocked them out you silly fop!

Raoul: (Blushes deeply and runs offstage sobbing)

Meg: (steps timidly onstage, wearing a ridiculously low cut light pink dress with large bows and frills, her face tear streaked) Raoul baby is sad, poor Raoul baby...
(She sniffles and starts to sing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Maman kissing Fi-irmin
Underneath the mistletoe last night...

André: (from backstage) You BITCH! (there is a loud slapping sound)

Firmin: (runs onstage, holding the left side of his face. He grabs Meg's wrist) Say one more word about your mother and I and I will tell her what you were doing at the Moulin Rouge last night, Miss Nutmeg.

Meg: (gasps) You were THERE?

Firmin: Why yes, I go there every night, you're very flexible. I mean, er... oh damn.

Meg: (screams) PEDOPHILE! (she slaps him across the right cheek and dashes offstage)

Firmin: (chases after her) Nutmeg, I mean Madmoiselle Giry! Don't be upset, I'm sorry, really I am! I'll even give you an extra tip next time!

Mme. Giry: (storms after Firmin, brandishing her cane)
YOU LEAVE MY DAUGHTER ALONE YOU TWISTED LITTLE -
(a loud crash drowns out the last part. Meg, Firmin, and Mme. Giry run back across the stage, going the other way. Another loud crash and muffled girlish screams come from the wings.)

Firmin: (offstage) EEK! Stop it, that HURTS! MOMMY MAKE IT STOP!!!!

André: (stomps onstage, wearing a black suit and pink tie and looking positively furious)
La Carlotta, singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
(he stomps back off)

Carlotta: (singing "This trophy" style at first, the normally)
We wiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiiii-iiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIsh
(loud sound of smashed glass falling to the floor)
You a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year!
Good tidings we bring
To you and your friends
Good tidings, Merry Christmas
And a happy new year!

So bring us some figgy pudding.
(trails off)
FIGGY PUDDING?
(looks around)
Where? Where?
(she steals away to go find her pudding)

(Firmin runs by, chased by Meg wielding her mother's cane.)

Meg: You want a pole dance? I'll SHOW you a pole dance buddy!

André: (Steps timidly onstage)
Well, er, I suppose I'll sing something then.
(starts singing "Winter Wonderland")
Sleighbells ring, are you listening?

Erik: (storming onstage, the sheepherd's crook stuck around his waist)
I'll ring your sleighbells.
GET THIS THING OFF ME ANDRE!

André: (inching away slowly)
In the lane, snow is glistening.
(he gulps)
Mommy...

(People chasing people and running everywhere, managers being royally whackslapped, general chaos on the stage. Backstage, you hear Raoul sobbing, Christine saying "There, there, they'll grow back, I'm sure..." and Raoul wailing, "Those aren't the kind of things that GROW back!" and starting with a fresh round of sobbing. Ah yes, the joys of Christmas...)

(Curtains close)