Super Disclaimer: I don't own anything beyond the image of Xavier as a camel!
(An: This is one of my favorite movies of all time. It's –really- funny and I'm going to attempt to make it funnier by adding the indignant chars complaints. After all, they're vegetables!)
As our scene opens, we hear a guitar strumming a Raffi type song and a minivan.
The road and woods are very dark, and the sky is cloudy with a full moon. In any other movie, this might be just a tad ominous. We get closer to the minivan as a porcupine scurries across the road.
We zoom in on the inside of the "veggie van".
In it, we see Jamie (an asparagus), Bobby (a pea wearing a baseball cap), Jubilee (a cucumber), and Amara (a carrot) sitting and singing in the third and second rows of the van. Amara is holding a ticket.
In the front seat, Hank (also an asparagus) is playing a guitar, and also singing.
Where are they going? To a Twippo concert of course, and they're all very excited… except for Logan (a tomato) who is very perturbed and messing with a map. Hank seems to be enjoying this, but Logan is twitching and muttering something like "A tomato? Why does the author hate me so!"
The other verses of this song are just as intellectually stimulating as the first.
"…Route 59?" Logan mutters. He messes with the map, hits the headlight button and turns them off. Everything goes black. "AAH! LIGHTS! I'M SCARED OF THE DARK! AAAH!"
Hank accidentally smacks Logan in the head with his guitar. As the kids continue singing, we hear Logan trying to find the light switch and panicking. "Whoa! Lights lights lights!"
We back up from the utter chaos that is the van as the headlights come on. A relieved sigh is heard from it as we see a "porcupine crossing" hazard sign.
Logan glares at Hank, who ignores him and keeps strumming the guitar.
"How am I doing this? I don't have arms!" he protests.
They continue with the song. Amara glances down at her ticket, smiling. "Smiling! I'm a carrot!"
A thunderclap is heard in the background as Storm glares at her. "As the director, I say- DON'T ADLIB!"
Amara's eye twitches. "I get to meet Twippo…" she mutters, not sounding at all reverent. Then she picks up the song again.
Speaking of the song, it's been increasing in speed and is now at a fever pitch.
"Twelfth grade!" Hank cries. "How can we be this far? We just started this song!"
"Would you like a storm cloud on your head?" Storm snaps in the background.
"Hurray!" all the kids shout in unison, and all look equally nauseated.
"Let's do another- Who's Twippo?" Bobby asks.
"He's a popular asparagus singer," Storm explains.
Bobby nods, but he clearly doesn't get it. "Riiight."
"I love Twippo!" Jubilee agrees. "And Jack Daniels," she says, much quieter.
"Me too!" Jamie agrees, and he at least seems genuine.
Amara smirks and holds her backstage pass aloft. "But I'M the only one gets to meet him, because I won the Twippo sweepstakes!"
"You don't have to rub it in," Jamie mutters.
"It's great that you won the contest, Amara, but let's try not to brag about it. Nice one with the lights, Logan!" says Hank, utterly oblivious to Logan's twitchy-ness.
Logan, who is dwarfed by the gigantic map, fakes a smile and laugh. "My pleasure! For the next song maybe I can drive into the river!" He twitches, still wearing that ooooh so creepy smile that looks kind of like a scream.
Hank squeaks.
The kids in the back cheer. "Yeah!" they chorus, and then, the ultimate insult, they sing. "Drive into the river, Logan Oh! Drive into the river Logan!"
"Or maybe… you could help me with the MAP!" Logan yells over the hyper kids.
Hank seems dismayed (and a little scared.) He seems to be wondering if a tomato without hands could have claws. "Oh… I'm sorry."
He leans over and attempts to help him, but ends up shoving the map over Logan's eyes again. The van swerves.
Amara smirks and waves the ticket in Jamie's face. "Is there anything you want me to tell this misguided asparagus… when I MEET HIM!"
The van swerves again as Hank turns around and shoves Logan into the steering wheel with his guitar. Amara falls against the window and her ticket goes flying out of it.
"Amara!"
Amara doesn't hear him; she just does a dramatic gasp. "My ticket!"
Logan just notices this and loses his grip on the map.
"Wha-?"
This startles Hank, who once again knocks him against the steering wheel.
Logan drops the map. "Huh! Wha… Quick! Get it!"
He tries to get a grip on the van as Hank tries to grab the map. Well, figuratively anyway.
"The map!" Logan yells."
Hank leans over farther and bangs his guitar against Logan's head. "Sorry!"
Logan screams, a scream of complete madness.
"My ticket!" Amara cries again, oblivious to the chaos up front.
Then Hank's guitar gets stuck in the steering wheel.
"Do you mind!" Logan cries. "I loathe backseat drivers!"
"I'm stuck!" He grunts as he tries to pull it free. He gets excited when he does, but it quickly fades when he and Logan discover that the steering wheel is stuck to it.
Everyone in the van screams.
"Get it on! Fix it! Put it back!" Logan cries.
"How am I supposed to do that WITHOUT ANY ARMS?" Hank yells back.
"You're really sore about that, aren't you," Storm comments.
"YES!"
There is much chaos. The van's out of control, everyone's yelling, the guitars boinging, and then, the perfect side-dish, a family of porcupines is crossing the road.
The momma, who looks remarkably like Mystique is shocked. She looks at her babies, who look remarkably like Kurt and Rogue.
"Get her away from me," Rogue says from between clenched teeth.
Mystique glares at the van and lets out her quills. "The things I do for love…" Mystique is heard to murmur.
Back to inside the van, and Logan can see again now that the map's down. He shrieks as he sees the vindictive Mystique porcupine glaring at him. The babies blink innocently until Rogue sees through Logan's tomato-ey disguise. Kurt pins her to the ground or she probably would've jumped up on the hood of the van. She's yelling, "Logan! Logan! Save me! For the love of all things sacred SAVE ME!"
Logan doesn't hear this despite his super-senses. "PORCUPINE! RUN! MYSTIQUE'S AN EVIL PORCUPINE!"
Mystique, hearing this, snaps and throws her quills. They pop the two front tires.
Everyone screams again. There are a lot more as the van swerves into the woods. Logan tries and fails to regain control. The van ignores this and continues down the path which happens to lead to a river.
In rapid succession, Logan has to avoid a number of obstacles which Hank calls out like a highly-caffeinated sports announcer.
"Tree!"
Logan obediently swerves to miss a huge tree. The kids in the back are bouncing up and down and screaming. It brings to mind riding bikes down a flight of steps.
"Cabin!"
Logan again swerves to miss a cabin. He avoids it, but heads right for the clothesline, a sturdy multi-line job with several articles of clothing, most prominently a pair of polka-dotted boxers.
"Ok, who's puttin' my underwear on public display!" Logan shouts.
In the background, Storm can be heard snickering.
"UNDERWEAR!" Beast yells in abject terror.
Logan doesn't turn in time, and they head right into it, the shorts plastered across the windshield. The kids scream as though it were an alien on the windshield. The cords of the clothesline hold, and the van slows down.
The kids scream.
After a second, they quiet, and everyone just sits there in shock.
Logan's eye twitches, and in a visible effort to be calm, he says "Heh… heh… Well, I'm glad that's over!"
There is a loud "Poing!" Logan looks at Hank, who hasn't moved from his position of abject terror.
"Did you say something?"
There's another poing, and we see another of the clotheslines snap.
Logan and Hank's eyes widen in unison.
"Oh.." says Logan.
"dear…" Hank finishes.
The last three of the lines snap and the van hurries toward the river. The kids eyes widen and they press back in unison, and everyone screams like mad!
Logan laughs wildly.
"It's like mad, not like they're insane!" Storm yells from offscreen.
"What's the difference?"
We back off a bit, and see a stump, too low for the van's passengers to see. The van hits it, stops cold, and the airbags puff up. They engulf Hank and Logan, who shift uncomfortably as the kids quiet.
"Am I in… heaven?" Logan asks, voice muffled by the airbag.
There is a pause.
Hank sniffs. "Smells like…Wisconsin!"
Author: AND JUST HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT WISCONSIN SMELLS LIKE!
"Calm down," says Hank. "It was just an innocent comment."
Author: -glares-
The kids relax and fall back in their seats.
After a second, the sliding door on the side of the van opens and Logan comes hopping out. He looks around a bit, the others watching nervously.
"Well… Nobody got hurt!" he says, trying to be cheerful. It's pretty creepy. "You think everything I do is creepy, don't you?"
"Not everybody has a healing factor, you know," Hank mutters, but without much conviction.
There is a doink and we see a flying quill lodge itself in Logan's behind. "AAAH!"
Hank looks up the hill and sees Kurt turned around as if he were the one making the shot. Mystique is nearly crying with laughter while Rogue is shouting entreaties to Logan to save her from her insane mother.
"Wow! What a shot!" Hank cries.
Logan glares at him, clearly in pain. He makes a noise like "hrrrgrrr." Hank wisely shuts up.
"Hey, what's that?" Jamie asks.
Everyone looks where Jamie is looking. It's an old, rundown shack under the bridge along the bank of the river. A red neon sign reading "Seafoo" buzzes.
Everyone except Logan says "Ooooh…"
"What's 'Seafoo?'" Jubilee asks.
"…Maybe it's like… tofu?" Bobby suggests.
"Only saltier," Hank agrees.
Back to the resteraunt. A "d" on the end of the sign flickers, revealing the word "Seafood!".
"Aaaah…"
They enter the place. Jamie's teasing Amara and Hank's arguing with Logan as they try to enter the swinging doors.
"Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this mess!" Logan snaps.
"I said I was sorry… I'll do better next time!" Hank replies.
"There isn't gonna be a next time!" Logan yells.
"Mr. Logan? How are we gonna get to the Twippo concert now?" Jubilee asks.
"Yeah! We're gonna miss the bald bunny song!" Bobby agrees.
"I don't know!" Logan replies, as he tries to push his way through. "I don't know about any… bald bunnies! (unless I made them that way)"
"Even if we make to the concert, I can't get it! I lost my ticket!" Amara wails.
"Serves you right for waving it around in my face!" Jamie says.
The door continues to turn as Bobby sings, "I'm a bald bunny, ain't got no fur! I'm a bald bunny, brr brr brr!"
"I have to go to the bathroom," Jubilee complains, still stuck in the revolving door. "I had oooone too many JD's on the way over here."
"You know, I'm usually not that clumsy in the car," Hank says. "Usually I'm quite dextrous. At least, I was, until I lost my ARMS!"
"Let it go already!" Storm yells.
"Two flat tires. How in the world are we gonna change two flat tires?" Logan mutters to himself. "Where's the phone?"
"I lost my ticket!" Amara cries again.
"If you hadn't been teasing me with it, we wouldn't be in this mess, Amara!"
They finally get out of the doors as Amara gazes sadly at the floor. Sitting at the desk and watching this are Jean-Luc and Julien. They argue for a moment, then notice them.
"Can we help you?" They ask in unison.
The others stop, and then begin talking at once.
"The asparagus whacked me in a head with a guitar and our van got take out by a mad porcupine, then another one got ME…" Logan complains.
He turns around and shows the quill still stuck in his butt.
Bobby is still singing the bald bunny song.
"Maybe it's because I'm used to the ukulele. The neck is so much shorter. Yeah… that's why… Say… I need to call my wife… do you have a phone?" Hank asks.
"Amara was teasing me with her 'special ticket' and then it flew right out the window and she screamed and made the van crash-" Jamie turns to Amara- "-And now NONE of us get to see Twippo!
Jubilee waits for everyone to shut up, then asks, "May I please use the bathroom?"
"What is up with you?" Bobby asks, stopping his song because of her odd behaviour.
"I'm drunk and I need to pee, so shut up!" Jubilee snaps and then smiles sweetly at the confused peas.
"Down de hall, first door on de left," Julien says.
"Thank you," Jubilee replies, and hops off towards the bathroom.
Bobby notices the video game at the end of the hall. "Ooh! Captain Ahab's Moby Blaster! My favorite!" He follows Jubes down the hall.
"What do y' want?" Jean-Luc asks.
"Well, bubs, the asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar, and an angry mother porcupine shot out our tires and one of her babies got me…" Logan explains, again displaying the quill.
Julien and Jean-Luc wince. "Oooh."
"And I need to use your phone to call-" Hank begins.
"A tow truck!" Logan cries.
"My wife," Hank corrects him.
Jean-Luc still looks majorly weirded out. "I see."
"Next t' de Moby blaster," Julien says to Hank.
"Thanks." He hops off.
Now only Logan, Jamie, and Amara remain.
"…Well… In the meantime, would you like to have a seat? Maybe enjoy a nice…" His eyes light up. "COMBO PLATTER!"
He and Julien completely forget their rivalry and begin dancing around. Julien and Jean-Luc lead them back toward their table, still doing their little dance. In the background we hear someone singing... which would be foreboding if I could post the lyrics...
"Do you prefer poking or non-poking?" Julien cries, delighted with his own bad pun.
Logan forces an annoyed laugh. "Eh heh heh.. non!"
Jean-Luc laughs. "Good one Julien! You are one clever pea, no?"
Julien does that weird French laugh.
He then yanks the quill from Logan's butt. Logan does a little squeaky scream.
Julien examines the quill as Jean-Luc continues leading the group.
"Voila! A skewer for the scampi!"
He hops back towards the kitchen, and we see the ones singing. It's three scraggly pirates, Magneto (a grape with a large hat that covers his eyes), Pyro (a squash with a bandanna that covers his eyes as well), and Remy (a cucumber with an eye patch that's not covering his eyes).
The others reach their booth and it's right next to the Pirates.
"Please, make yourselves comfortable, I will be back to steal your stuff! I mean, uh, take your orders," Jean-Luc says. He puts the menus on the table and hops away.
"Why don't you two wait here," Logan suggests. "I'm gonna go call a tow truck. Maybe we can still make it to the concert on time… and maybe monkeys'llfly out of my pants."
"You're not wearing pants," Jamie points out.
Logan ignores him and hops off.
"Yeah, everyone but me…" Amara says, sounding depressed.
"Hey! It's your own fault for teasing me! You're just getting what you deserve!"
Amara glares, and hops off. "I'm coming with you, Mr. Logan."
Jamie sits down and picks up the menu in front of him.
"Steak and Shrimp… $10.00
Scampi on a Skewer… $7.50
Scampi on a Clean Skewer… $10.00
Compassion… Market Price," the menu reads.
Jamie doesn't know what the last one is. He raises an eyebrow. "What's scampi?" he asks.
Suddenly the sliding Plexiglass wall between the booths slides open, and Magneto leans closer. "Excuse me!"
Jamie freaks and drops his menu. The Pirates stare at him. "AAH!"
"How's it goin?" Remy asks.
"What's up mate?" John asks.
"Who are you?" asks Jamie, sounding suspcious.
The Pirates look around and behind themselves. "…Who, us?" Magneto asks.
Jamie thinks the question was obvious. "Yeah, duh."
Magneto seems startled. "Oh! We're the… Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!" He strikes a little pose and nearly knocks his hat off.
"Oh, ya know that's right," John agrees, nodding. "Where's my lighter?"
Remy ignores him and goes on. "Nothin'." He not-so-subtly shoves John.
"Zilch."
"Nada."
"Didn'tcha hear our song?" Magneto asks.
"Well… yeah.. but…" says Jamie. He's obviously rather awkward about this whole thing and confused.
"Look… Sonny… can I call you Sonny? Where do you come up with this crap!"
Author: No swearing! This is a –Christian- movie!
"It's Jamie."
"Hey! Pretty close. Well, not really. Ahem. Look… Jamie… We couldn't help but notice you were havin' a little thing with your friend over there."
"Yeah," John agrees. "You weren't being very nice."
"Well it's her own fault!" Jamie bursts out. "She was teasing me and now she's getting what she deserves."
"Right," Magneto says. "Jamie… we've seen these types of situations before."
"Happens all the time," John agrees.
"What you need is a little compassion," Magneto continues.
"…And maybe some scampi," Remy adds. "Is scampi like crawdads?"
"You shut up," Storm snaps in the background.
Jamie raises an eyebrow, then chooses to ignore Remy and says, "Hey… I saw that in the menu. What is that? What's compassion?"
"Ooh, that's a hard question," John says.
"Everythin's a hard question t' y'," Remy mutters, mad about his lack of lines.
Author: Relax. You get lots of lines once we meet Jonah- er Pietro. And besides, you're supposed to agree with him.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Remy mutters, and then, going back to the script, "Mmm Hmm."
"Well… compassion is when you see that someone needs help, you wanna help 'em!" Magneto cries.
Jamie looks confused.
"That's what I thought you'd say," Magneto says, nodding.
"They all do," says John.
"Yep," Remy agrees.
"We find it helpful to illustrate with a little story," Magneto again.
Author: I'm running out of synonyms for "says", ok!
Jamie seems interested. "A story? …What am I, five? I don't need a bedtime story!"
"Yep," Magneto says. "You know, we call ourselves the Pirates Who Don't do Anything, but that's not entirely accurate…"
"Yeah! Remember when we did that one thing… with that one guy?" Pyro says.
"You couldn't be more specific? I'm an old man!" Magneto snaps.
Author: That's not the li-ine…
"Ahem, right," Magneto mumbles nervously. "Oh… do I ever…"
"I remember it like it was yesterday," Remy adds. He slurps his root beer and the scene fades out.
(Whoo, that was long. Next chapter, we meet Pietro and have a Brodway-esque song! And the reason this one chappy was so long is 'cause I wanted to get rid of the prologue part right away. Review, mes amis!)