Warning: This fic contains severe depictions of adverb abuse and graphic dialogue tags. Please read and review! Keep in mind it's a parody…
"…Honestly, Ron, the first week of school and you're already behind."
Somewhere within the bellows of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardism, the sixth year Gryffindor prefects patrolled the hall in late hours of the night, bickering and quarreling.
"Really, we must keep up our studies if we're going to become successful," said Hermione Jane Granger. She grasped her billowy chestnut hair as she and the tall redheaded boy sauntered through the endless halls and stairwells alone.
But Ron didn't answer Hermione, who had grown very beautiful over the summer. He was too busy staring at a dark pointy shape on the stairwell above them with his large clear blue eyes and open mouth. "Eek!" he exclaimed, nervously staring up at the monster. A screeching bird's cry deafeningly echoed through the hallway like thunder. He looked back up and the figure was gone, and then it was below them! He grabbed for his wand, but a loose thread on his old robe had caught on the banister, which had suddenly magically moved so he fell down the stairs.
"Ron!" Hermione screamed, falling right after him, landing in a compromising position at the bottom of the stairs. They blushed embarrassingly, like it was going out of style.
Suddenly a sharp voice rang out stridently from behind them "Ooo, public displays of affection. Should I notify the authorities?" A blonde boy with arctic eyes came superciliously from the nearest hallway, a prefect badge gleaming from his broad chest.
"Shut up Malfoy, there's…something in here. I saw it, it's right above us, or below us," said Ron, disentangling himself from the clever witch.
"Oh, what? A gold piece on the ground, Weasely? Got so excited that you fell?"
"I see it, too. It's some sort of creature. Gee, I hope it's not another basilisk," said Hermione cleverly. "There it is again." Malfoy screamed and jumped into their arms as they looked up at the figure on the steps above them, which ducked behind a pillar.
"Coolwhipus," shouted Ron valiantly, shooting a light spell up at the creature. The monster lazily whipped out a wand and easily deflected it. Silently, it stepped around the pillar and into the light.
But instead of a monster, from behind the pillar emerged a beautiful young woman. Her hair was long and black, with a slight wave and lots of shine. Her skin was pale, but not pasty. It was the type of pale that let you know she would never have wrinkles if she got any older because she took good care of her skin. Her eyes were dark black and severely glittering, and it was those eyes that gave Hermione a most sincere feeling of deja vu.
The girl slid down the banister and put Draco in a gentle headlock, holding a Palo Verde wand to his throat. "Leave them alone, loser," she whispered, in a voice as sweet as honey and severing as scissors.
Draco nodded nervously and ran away, but not before shouting "You'll pay!" Ron's jaw dropped.
"Hello, I was hoping to find the Ravenclaw common room," said the young beauty mysteriously.
"Who are you?" Hermione asked, closing Ron's mouth with her hand.
The girl smiled at the silly boy and looked around at the halls, her black glittering eyes aglow with mystique and wisdom. "The new transfer student, from Arizona." Instead of a Hogwarts uniform, she was wearing jeans and a white spaghetti strap shirt that partially revealed her belly. Her shoes were purple Vans.
"Jane Silver?" Ron stuttered, turning the color of the girl's lips. "We were expecting you a week ago!"
"I'm afraid I was sidetracked," she said, tossing her raven waves across her shoulder with much elegance. "And my name is pronounced Yawn-uh. It's Slavic for gracious and merciful."
"Well that's…unique," said Hermione. "I'm—"
"Hermione Granger," finished the girl in brisk manor. "Which is a Greek name meaning…earthy. Which clearly isn't true," She glanced Hermione up and down. "You're Harry Potter's friends. I know all about you two."
"Wow," stuttered Ron.
"I read about you all the time in the Daily Prophet," she said. Ron and Hermione each raised an eyebrow. "Of course I know that paper is completely unreliable and destructive and needs to be stopped. Speaking of destructive, who was that boy that was just in here? A Slytherin I suppose? I didn't the like the way his eyes were so cold, he must be evil. Of course, maybe someone can find some good in him." She sighed.
"Yeah, whatever," said Hermione, pursing her less red lips. "I'm afraid we don't know where your common room is. We're Gryffindors, but I'm sure you already knew that."
"Oh that's okay, I'm sure I can…" Jane's eyes flashed. She got the vision of a tower on the east side of the building. "…find it. See ya…"
"See you around Jay— I mean Yawn-uh." Hermione rolled her chocolately eyes as the girl sped off into the night. She looked down at her wrist for the time. Her watch was gone.
Ron's face turned white. He was shocked that she would think of such a thing. "B—b—but what about the m—m—monster we saw?!"
"I absolutely have no ideas how you got into Gryffindor. You're such a pussy cat. I believe Yawn-uh scared it off. That girl already annoys me. I would never imagine her as a Ravenclaw," Hermione continued to complain about Jane as they strolled back to the Gryffindor common room.
The door of the Gryffindor common room opened but Harry didn't notice it. It was Hermione's voice that brought him out of his concentration. She was talking about someone. By the sound of it…a girl.
"The way she corrected the pronunciation of her name was done way too calmly. How does she know "everything" about us? I hate her hair! What kind of an accent did she have? I can't believe you like her! Where have I seen those eyes before? This is driving me mad!" she said in a calm yelling voice.
"Ron thinks who is hot?" Harry called out, not thinking to be quiet.
Ron blushed and argued back. "I do not like Jane Silver—I mean Yawn-uh Silver. What are you doing, Harry?"
Harry's unkempt head popped up from underneath the pile of papers. "Looking at the school's student records. I'm trying to find the girl from my dream. Is this Yawn-uh girl the exchange or transfer student?"
"Yes she is and if you ask me her pale skin, dark eyes, black wavy hair, dark red lips, and strange accent are not attractive at all." Hermione seemed a bit jealous of her.
Harry froze. She had just described what the girl in his dream looked like. "Hermione, that's what she looks like."
"Who?"
"The girl of my dreams—Uh, I mean the girl from my dreams. Heh-heh."