Merry Christmas, Kitia! -GLOMPS- xD If anyone is confused after reading this, check my Deadjournal (listed as my website) for FAQ for this fic. And yes, it's a one-shot. Cope.
Note that I had to flip all of the gender pronouns in the lyrics to get the effect that I wanted. Lyrics are in bold. Oh, and if SakuKaka (yes, SakuKaka and not KakaSaku) bothers you, leave now, heathens.
...enjoy!
She was the lone wolf
You could see it in her eyes
The girl perched on the rough wooden framework swinging her legs was no ordinary sight. Some might try to equate this to her hair color, for though pink might very well be natural in her family, the sheer brightness of the spikes reaching her lower back as they glistened in the sun was causing passer-byes to gawk openly. It was equally likely, you might suggest, that her agitation was the main oddity. After all, to see one in a hitai-ate impatient enough to make a restless movement with their legs, even though they might appear young...
But no; none of these things were actually what had distracted the villagers from their usual mundane tasks. It was, in fact, a rumor that someone had heard earlier.
Rumors are wonderful things, aren't they? Invisible, yet capable of much more damage than any kunai could ever do. This one had already begun to rip the girl apart, worming its way into the back of her mind and twisting her own beliefs back into the shadows.
The sixteen-year-old might, in fact, be brooding about this very same disease right now as she rested her forehead against folded arms and sighed almost unnoticeably. One hand hung limply from her wrist; the other slowly reached up to grasp a few of the long strands of cotton-candy silk that had drifted over her shoulder. Right before her thoughts could drift off and carry her with them, however, she was sharply brought back to so-called reality once more.
Rough wood Oh it's still scratchy Always the same Same as when I was here before Still unfinished Still undone like my lif-
...no.
Her thoughts could not wander here, and she well knew it, for the personal life of a ninja was a dangerous game to play. She belonged to her Hokage as much in thought as in body while on these missions, as did all of the other ninjas. Anything personal was not a part of the ninja and must be left separate. The twenty-fifth rule of shinobi conduct: no matter what happens, true shinobi must never, ever show their emotions. The mission is the only priority. Carry that in your heart, and never shed a tear. Well, these tears of thoughts would need to be shed in private as always, when no other ninja were around to condemn them.
The way she held her heart
It had apparently taken the girl longer than she had realized to center herself on these false propaganda's yet again, because she actually appeared startled when another ninja suddenly appeared beside her.
The voice was as bright and chipper as its speaker, who was practically bouncing up and down as he raced over to the girl. His blond hair was unruly, tousled even more so by the slight breeze to give him a somewhat comical appearance that only served to accentuate his outward personality. There you are! Never before, it is quite likely, had such enthusiasm been put into such a simple statement. The girl, apparently the Sakura-chan to whom he had been referring, seemed unimpressed. Had she heard this so many times before? She rewarded his efforts with nothing but the hint of a smile.
Sakura-chan, we get to go home now! Isn't that great?! We can get even more training done when we get all of our equipment set up again! Sakura, Sakura, Sakura. She sighed, badly concealing it and causing the boy to droop ever so slightly.
Before any more inquiries could be forced upon Sakura, the boy's attention was diverted again, but now for an entirely different reason.
Well, if there was one thing that could grab that child's attention aside from Sakura or ramen, it was his favorite teacher, who had just walked towards them with a dark shadow following him at a more relaxed pace. Hello again, Naruto- ah, I see that you found Sakura-chan! Excellent. We've wasted far too much time here for such a low-priority mission. I assume you've already packed, Sakura?
She stared at him, or possible through him, for several silent moments without answering the question.
It was a sharper tone than the kind jounin generally used towards his students, but if Iruka had expected it to have any effect on the abnormally spacey girl, he was sadly mistaken. She neither flinched nor replied. Instead, she seemed to address her own, seemingly unrelated question towards the angst poster boy lurking near them without technically standing with them.
Why are you so eager to leave?
He glared at her, his usual mask. Sasuke did find the younger pink-haired girl annoying, though not in the same way that she had once been. Sakura was impossible for him to understand anymore, which irked him to no end. We finished the mission. We're done here. I want to get off of this rickety, decayed thing before we all drown needlessly. Is that acceptable? Sasuke huffed slightly. His actions should be allowed to go unquestioned; he was, as a Uchiha, naturally above such things. What would it take for these people to grasp that simple concept?!
You... want to get off the bridge- off this bridge?
Sasuke nodded as even that simpleton Naruto gave Sakura an odd look. Had she been possessed by Ino again? Her stupidity certainly did appear to have sunk to a whole new level.
...All right. I already have my stuff packed. We can leave.
And the little voice inside her head screamed that this was not just any bridge. This was the bridge that-
No, no, later. Room. Alone. Pillow to muffle screaming.
With a practiced smile that almost radiated calmness and cheerfulness, Sakura swung her small bag over her shoulder and thrust her fist up into the air. Home, home to Konoha at last!
As the four figures steadily trekked off along the worn path, all that was left behind were a few fading cheers and the faint whisper of deep, low laughter... and a date crudely hacked into the railing with a kunai to represent the death of one adult and the birth of another.
The way she held her lies
Well, it wasn't like she could have told them, she tried to rationalize. No. They wouldn't have understood. They were so... oblivious. Both of them were too focused- perhaps even obsessed- with one small goal, and anything that didn't help them with their goal wasn't worth their time.
But then again, she shouldn't be mocking that. She had her own obsession.
Sakura laughed coldly, not even realizing that she had done so out loud. Oh yes, her little obsession. Whatever would they think? The pointing fingers and pointed looks earlier said it all too clearly.
What a little slut.
Yeah, slut. She was, wasn't she? Look at her- creeping like this through the streets of her own village like she had some reason to be ashamed of her destination. Did she? Should she? Well, the last had already been answered for her, and she was beginning to think of an answer for the first that she wasn't very fond of...
Did you hear who she's been sleeping with?Can you believe it? And he used to be such a wonderful man, too.
She tried to stand straighter and hold her head up, but she just couldn't manage it. The words earlier had cut too deep into some of her doubts. She shivered, wishing that she had a cloak with her- not for warmth, mind you, but to hide herself from... herself.
Really. I knew he'd fallen quite a bit since then, but that's just too much. I mean, honestly, sleeping with your own student?!
Sometimes she'd just show up
The tall man accidentally knocked the mug off of the table when he heard the soft tapping. For most people, it was a common occurrence, even if it was just a lower-class ninja bearing summons or an assignment. However, this was so much more to him. He did not even regret the shattered slivers as he nudged them under a rug with one foot, racing to the door.
He recognized that knock.
Although it probably wouldn't have mattered if he had recognized it or not. She was the only one that ever knocked- the only one that ever came.
Outside on the porch
Flinging open the door, he was by a rather pathetic sight. The girl standing there, nervously shifting from one foot to the other, didn't seem very keen on being noticed and quickly rushed past him, slamming the door loudly behind her.
It took a moment for it to register. That was his name, wasn't it? Three years of hearing it had made it no easier to remember than when the short, robed man who apparently led this place had first told it to him.
Yes, Sakura-chan?Don't call me Chan! She screamed, lunging around to face him, tears streaming from her eyes silently. She never cried. He had never seen her cry- she simply didn't. He found himself incapable of doing anything but staring at her.
Do- don't call me chan... like I'm a little child... you know I'm not innocent any more, Kakashi. She shook slightly, attempting badly to stop her tears. He awkwardly folded one arm around her neck, pulling her smaller frame against his own. It felt stiff, unnatural, and unreal- exactly the opposite of what she claimed she could do for him. He almost pulled back, but before he could, Sakura herself did.
That's just the problem, isn't it? ...I'm not innocent any more, and neither of us can stand having our roles flipped, subconsciously. You're still Kakashi. I know you are. And part of you still knows it.
He stared at her again. But I- no, I'm not. She slammed a fist towards his body, changing it at the last moment to an open palm and almost slapping him. You are! She shuddered then, withdrawing from him to collapse into a worn chair. This is so wrong.
His head tilted, considering this.
An hour at a time
Because you were- you are- my teacher! You're supposed to be the one looking out for me... She shuddered again, wrapping her arms tightly across her body as if trying to keep something out. Can you teach me any more? Can you do anything but break yourself?
Kakashi slunk over to her. I'm trying. You should know that... isn't love enough for us? You said you would teach me instead.
Sakura whimpered and rubbed her hands against her body, as if she was trying to get off something that was making her unclean. Then she tried to block her ears, placing her hands against them so tightly that her knuckles turned white.
...you said that I was something, that I'd been someone that you respected, and-I never said I loved you! she screamed, dashing towards the door.
Like a lonely whore
As she ran down the street, the door swung slowly on its hinges as the man behind it stood, crumpled, just into the shadows of his
Yes, crumpled... that was a good word to describe him. There wasn't really a Kakashi left now, was there? Sakura knew that she was clinging to the ghost of what both of them had used to be- but he was nothing more than a ghost. He'd lost all of himself that day three years ago. So had she, really. But at least she knew what she had lost.
But... was that a blessing or a curse?
He was a scarecrow
She knew that if she had forgotten, she could have moved on. To what, she didn't know, but she would have had some sort of life. She was young enough. Granted, she could not have been a ninja any more- she was too old to redo all of her training- but she could have learned other ways to manage.
Even Kakashi could have settled down into some sort of life. Peace by himself, at least... but she kept destroying that peace by forcing him to think about things he couldn't even remember and never would again.
Was it cruelty on her part? Or did she just miss the man who could smile outwardly even while crying inside? Did she miss the jokes, lateness, and other oddities of the somewhat-perverted ninja? Did she miss the man she had respected who refused to let his comrades die?
Sorry, Kakashi, she thought to herself. You've already let me die by letting your soul be murdered.
The way he always looked around
She respected that he was trying so hard to remember for her... but things would never be the same between them. Might it be better for both of their sakes to just move on? She could leave him alone, let him be for once... but it was too late for that now, she realized. She had wrecked everything by even approaching him to begin with. That stupid proposition... what the hell made her so special that she could ever help him?! After all he'd been through...
For something he once had
That never could be found
She closed her eyes, picturing him in her head. One of his eyes was still covered, but for different reasons than it once had been. The fearsome Sharingan was gone now, given peacefully but taken forcefully. He had sunk to almost a nonentity, all of his other abilities erased when the amnesia had claimed his mind. Three years, three years of no memories... he had decayed, growing older while closeted inside his small house, with Sakura as his only company, and that only occasionally. Naruto was too disgusted by the thought of the changes in his teacher, and couldn't stand to look at him, while Sasuke... just hated the idea of wasting his time on social calls.
Time was on his side
But he never kept track
The attack had been unprecedented, with all of the jounins murder brutally while trying to protect their Hokage- all but Kakashi. He had somehow survived, broken and battered, left on the ground for dead. Why hadn't it been predicted? Why hadn't it been prevented? With the Hokage's ability to see whatever was happening, why hadn't he noticed preparations being made?
It was so strange... strange that whoever had fought Kakashi had taken the Sharingan. If they wanted to make him easier to fight, why not just wound his eye so he couldn't use it against them? How could they have taken it intactly... until after the fight?
But nobody could defeat Kakashi like that. Right?
All the hunters came
And took his memories back
Had they been... searching for it? Coming after him, rather than the Hokage? Coming to take the thing that represented his childhood from him?
Sakura had to shake herself. That was much too far-fetched, and nobody was capable of something like that anyway.
She suddenly realized that for the past several minutes, a small boy had been waving a rolled-up scroll in front of her face. She blinked, accepting it from him before he became exasperated enough to smack her with it. Slitting the seal with one long nail, she unfurled it to see... a summons from the Hokage? That was odd. Iruka-sensei had already reported to him to explain the events of their mission; what use was there for her?
It was her place to follow the summons, though, and not to question them. Therefore, she gave a curt bow to the messenger-boy and walked slowly to the Hokage's chambers.
He was sitting there in his chair, back bowed with age and robes settled neatly around him. He eyed her for a moment while she bowed deeply to her, then motioned her forward. Abruptly- Haruno Sakura. How would you feel about being appointed as a jounin?
She stared at him, completely shocked.
He shook his head. It is against tradition, yes, but we need more jounins for the younger nins to look up to and to train them. It is necessary that we raise the positions of the competent ninjas we already have. Will you accept the position?
She knew that this was everything she had always wished for and worked for, struggling to be better despite her lack of talent. But somehow it just felt... wrong. Everything about it. Why her, and not more talented ninjas like Sasuke or even Naruto? And she just couldn't take what had once been Kakashi's place- even if he would never understand it or regret it, she would always do so for him.
Her eyes widened as she abruptly drew the conclusion that everyone- including herself- had previously been too grief-stricken to notice. If all of the ninja but Kakashi had been killed, and Kakashi was unconscious (thus explaining his amnesia), there had been no-one left to protect the Hokage... and anyone strong enough to do that to Kakashi after surviving fights with all of the other jounins was more than strong enough to kill the Hokage.
The Hokage in front of her was not, and had not been, the real Hokage for the past three years.
Sakura raced from the room as quickly as she possibly could, feeling as though she were about to throw up. Instinctively, she headed to the one place she felt anything close to safe now, blinded by tears.
Once they met inside
A dirty curtained room
He was surprised to see her there again. After their fight earlier, or rather her rejection of him, seeing her voluntarily come back to him was the last thing he would have expected. But it didn't take long to realize that there was something more wrong here than just their own problems.
And the rain fell down hard that day
Onto the tin roof
Her tears were still falling rapidly, cascading down her cheeks while he attempted to guide her inside. She refused to move, trying frantically to tell him something but too choked up and terrified to get the words out. As he lifted a calloused hand to try to wipe them away, she stared into his eye, fear oozing from her very being.
Is there... what's wrong, Sakura? Kakashi glanced around them, trying to identify the problem if possible. To his astonishment, he noticed that there were three men striding towards them, eyes narrowed. The one in the front had long, tangled black hair that reminded him of writing snakes. This man was glaring at him through mismatched eyes, one yellow and slitty, as though an eye from some sort of reptile, and the other was glowing red in a deadly look. His pale robes swirled around his body as he advanced purposefully towards them.
He said "I've seen you before,
I've been looking for you
Better keep your heart close
Hunters are coming for you"
Sakura! Someone's coming... He looked back and forth between her tear-streaked face and the approaching men, flinching when one drew their katana.
Kakashi expected her to stand her ground and fight them the way she had always told him that she did with those teammates of hers, but to his upper surprise, she wiped her tears away with one sleeve and smiled strangely at him.
She said "I've seen them a thousand times
And I always get away
Cuz you will never stop looking
And I will never stay."
They... aren't a problem, Kakashi. Even he could tell that she was lying to him now. No... they aren't a problem. Really. Her smile almost slipped away, and she had to fight to keep a hint of it on her face.
So... this is love, she murmured. And of course I can never realize anything until it's too late. She leaned in closer to him, then began to pull him back into his hallway with her, even as the strangers were no more than ten yards away from them.
I'm sorry, Kakashi. I failed you in a worse way than you failed me.But I... Sakura, I-No. Just don't say anything more.
The lone wolf kissed his mouth
Like so many before
Scarecrow closed his eyes
And then he closed the door
They both knew that retreating into the building would do no good. Sakura had already seen what this man was capable of, and the fact that she was no longer even willing to try told Kakashi what she had hoped he wouldn't have to know.
But somehow... it was a goodbye that they both needed, a conclusion to the mess they'd created partly by circumstance, and partly by the inability to let go of the past. This was the only was they could both let go now, and it was utterly final.
And the rain fell down on the tin roof
When the hunters came that night
Stole all of his memories
Killed the wolf and all her lies