A/N: I have taken severe liberties in writing this. I have messed with portions of Sean's past, and disregarded other parts. Blatant slash, minor profanity, pedophilia, implied incest, self mutilation… this really ain't a story for those of queasy stomach.

Sean's a bit ooc and crazy-sounding here, sorry. And it sorta shifts around from POV to non-POV, so I apologize for being confusing.

The Wrong Way Back

Seeing him again, it all brought it back. Why had I done that? I'm sure people would be happy to supply you with an answer to that. I was a delinquent, blatant immaturity, anger issues, I wanted to… the reasons never ran out. I was the 13 year old badass. I was here, and steer clear of me, 'cause, whoa, that kid deafened another kid back where he comes from.

My social worker preferred to think of me as a victim of circumstances. That could be it. Walking in on your far older brother putting the moves on a fellow classmate are definitely circumstances that would cause most people to take drastic measures (1).

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Tracker, Tracker, Tracker. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

Little Seany freezes in his tracks, but it's too late, Tracker knows he's there. And they stop, Taylor looking absolutely horrified. Yeah, try watching it, then you'll know what horrifying is. Seeing your older brother with his hands halfway down the pants of a boy at least ten years younger than he is.

Door is slammed, and poor little Sean is down the hall like a bolt, into his bedroom and wondering what the hell he just saw. It's all in black in white, clear as can be, but he's still sitting there trying to absorb it. Poor little Sean, thirteen years old and wondering if he's lost his only brother, the only person in his household whom he can stand. He doesn't even include himself in that list of people.

So why is it Taylor in there? Why is the boy Sean's hung around but never really liked in there with his brother like that? Sean's the one who comforted his older brother when Tracker mentally abused himself and blamed himself for his parents being alcoholic over the years. Sean's the one who always showed his school work and report cards to his older brother first. And Tracker was the one who hung them on the front of the fridge when his parents weren't home for the third day in a row. Tracker's the one who made pancakes for him and stayed home from school when Sean had the chickenpox. So why is it Taylor in there?

He should be there. But his face suddenly heats up, and he realizes the implications of that thought, erasing it with the shake of a head. No, no one should be in there. It should just be Tracker and the calendar where he's been marking off the days since he last hurt himself (2). Mentally and emotionally abused Tracker who's watched out for Sean all these years past. Alone with himself and his best friends, the penknife and the shaving razor. Sean sighs and turns towards the wall.

And maybe half an hour later, Tracker comes. Door creaks, and floorboards squealingly complain as he walks in. No, it couldn't be anyone else. The bed shifts as he sits down. Sean can smell the dreadfully sweet mix of blood and ale, and knows what has happened in the past hour, and knows a square on the calendar is going to remain blank. And knows that his apparently pedophiliac older brother is really ashamed and depressed, because he wouldn't touch the alcohol otherwise.

A hand on the back, a creaking voice, "I'm wrong, I know. I'm sorry…" And Sean knows that his brother, possibly the most messed up creature north of the border, is probably crying. And he rolls over, letting his brother's hand remain on his back even though this means his brother's hand is now under him. Tracker collapses forwards onto his younger, and smaller, brother, and sobs into his chest. Sean silently holds him like he was a girlfriend he'll never have (3), and knows he'll fall asleep there, and knows that even if it was Taylor earlier, Taylor will never be there for moments like this, never really actually be meaningful to Tracker.

But he still hates Taylor. Tracker doesn't need anyone else to make him even more fucked up than he already is. Tracker needs Sean to comfort him, and Sean needs Tracker because his parents will never be the parents he needs them to be. Taylor is just an added factor that makes things more complicated, like a second variable in a bad algebra problem. Taylor(Tracker Sean) bad, but Tracker Sean family (4).

So when he sees Taylor next, he knows what he should do. He should protect his older brother from harm. And right afterwards he feels bad about it. He feels bad for deafening Taylor in one ear; he should've deafened him in both. And when he realizes his alcoholic parents are going to send him away with Tracker, suddenly things seem good for the first time in ages. Sean Tracker family. His parents were also unnecessary variables in a bad algebra problem. They were both negatives. So Tracker had to be a positive (5).

So they left. And Tracker stopped bothering to meet Sean's friends. And Sean didn't mind that too much. The drawer in the new kitchen lacked anything except for plastic spoons, and Sean understood why. Tracker got a job and got a girlfriend, and Sean started school. The calendar got a more prominent placement on the kitchen table, and Tracker stopped coming to Sean in states of utter chaos, stopped sharing a bed with Sean whenever he was depressed. And Sean got a girlfriend and was supposed to forget how close he and his brother had once been.

But sometimes he woke in the dead of night, and he heard his brother's steps pacing in the kitchen below, and he remembered. And he wished his brother would come in like the old times, and wished that he would then listen while his brother spoke or cried, and wished that he could hold him like he used to long ago.

But then the footsteps would stop. And somewhere off in the night a dog would bark. And the present pressed in upon him, and wishes had to be given up and forgotten to the night. And as time continued to slide by quietly towards morning, Sean turned over in his bed and slipped back into slumber.

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(1) Yes, I just completely changed Sean's reason for beating up that kid Taylor. And just transferred Tracker from living in the Degrassi area before Sean came along back to Wasaga Beach. Cool, yes?

(2) I can't write a non-cutter Tracker any more. So now we have a self-mutilating, pedophiliac Tracker. Oh, joy.

(3) Yes, I know Sean eventually has a girlfriend, but we'll just think of him as being one of those kids who thinks no girl'll ever go for him. They do exist, y'know.

(4) I really hope you guys can figure this out. I honestly have no idea what the mathematical classes are in other parts of the world, so I'm assuming most of you have at least had pre-algebra already.

(5) Remember when you used to actually pay attention in math? (Yeah, I know, that was ages ago --- same here.) You remember the teacher telling you that a negative times a negative, or a negative divided by a negative, equals a positive, right? Good.

(6) Yes, I am aware of the fact that I just wrote a really bizarre fic that involved implied Cameroncest. And that I had some really obnoxious notes at the end. And that TaylorxTracker is just really, really wrong. Well, let's just be glad fanfic authors aren't bound by FCC rules then, huh?