Title: Do I Lose?
Author: Jaid
Disclaimer: the song is "I Can't Be Your Friend" and preformed by Rushlow. Written by Rodney Clawson and Brad Crisler. The setting is Star Wars as well as the characters Jacen and Tenel Ka. The plot is uniquely mine.
Timeline: Post NJO
Key Words: J/TK, mush, friends, love
Authors Note: Post NJO, blah, blah, blah, and amazingly? I didn't change too much!! Only that Jacen actually listened to Vergere the Feathered-Idiot (translation: in this story, he didn't listen to her). Thus, the universe is restored to rightness – there is a Light side and a Dark side. HALLELUJAH!!! Also, I don't have too much practice with either of these characters, and I hope that I did them both justice. Enjoy.
Summary: With the Vong destroyed, the galaxy slowly rebuilt itself. Jacen Solo was sent to Hapes to be with the Queen Mother. Their lives were calm and sedated yet there was always something pulling them together that they both tried to ignore as years passed…
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Do I Lose?
-
Jacen walked through one of the gardens on the palace grounds, his hands clasped behind his back. His loose black robe fluttered in the slight breeze, disturbing the quiet peace. His thick brown hair fell in front of his eyes, momentarily blinding him. Shoving the silky strands back, his sharp ears caught the sound of shifting gravel and he smiled faintly.
She was here.
---
This might come as quite a shock,
But I've given it a lot of thought.
---
Jacen was shocked as a cold hand clamped over his mouth and a sudden weight forced him onto the ground, face first.
"I caught you." A low voice by his ear said happily.
"Ha, ha, ha, Tenel Ka." Jacen muttered, blushing at some of the thoughts that flew into his mind at their position. He cringed and hoped his shielding would prove adequate.
The weight on his back slid off and Jacen rolled over to look at the titian haired queen who stood at his side, imperiously offering him her left hand.
"Thank you for coming," Jacen said calmly, taking the hand she had held out and allowing her to help him to his feet, just so that he could hold her hand in his. "I've been thinking a lot about something lately and, well, I needed to talk to you about it."
"Yes, friend Jacen?" Tenel Ka asked, one fair eyebrow raising slightly.
---
This thing that's come between us can't be ignored.
I've taken all I can;
This is where it's gotta end.
---
"I know this probably won't make much difference, but I have to try." Jacen began. "This thing that's between us, I can't ignore it any more. I've tried so hard, Tenel Ka, you have no idea! This - I took all that I could."
His cinnamon eyes held ghosts of pain that had long been absent and Tenel Ka felt something inside her crack a little.
"And, I-" Jacen cursed himself in his mind. This wasn't going according to plan!! He wanted to scream, I was supposed to be calm!! "This is where it has to end."
Tenel Ka's eyes widened imperceptibly.
---
'Cause I can't be your friend anymore.
---
"I can't be your friend anymore." Jacen said softly, surprise filling him when Tenel Ka took a tiny step back, her granite eyes filling with an emotion he knew, but couldn't name. Her full painted lips parted slightly.
"Friend Jacen-" Tenel Ka tried to start, but Jacen cut her off, needing to finish what he was saying.
---
An' I can't be accused,
Of not bein' there for you.
How many nights have you shown up at my door?
---
"Let me finish." Jacen insisted, desperate to reach some sort of conclusion. "I tried to be content, and you can't accuse me of not being there for you."
"I-" Tenel Ka tried uncharacteristically to interrupt him, to make him stop what he was saying, but for once Jacen was insensitive to what she did.
"I mean, how many nights did you come to me when you couldn't fall asleep? Or when something reminded you of all your friends that died in the war?" Jacen's eyes were pleading with Tenel Ka.
---
I hope you understand,
That this wasn't in my plans,
---
"I apologize if I have inconvenienced you, friend Jacen." Tenel Ka said softly, her usually firm voice wavering a bit. The brilliant moonlight softened her angular face and giving her an air of mystery that held Jacen entranced.
"You've never inconvenienced me, but I just need-needed you to understand that I didn't plan this. Not now, not ever! I tried so hard to not fall - honestly I did!" Jacen waved his hands in the air wildly, seeming more like the boy he had been back at the academy than he had in years.
Tenel Ka looked away from him.
---
But I can't be your friend anymore.
---
"Yet you can not remain my friend?" Tenel Ka asked shortly.
"No." Jacen whispered.
---
An' it's killin' me to know you,
Without havin' a chance to hold you.
---
"It's killing me, Tenel Ka. Every day I'm so close, but it's like I was still on Dagobah instead of standing right next to you." Jacen's voice was strained. "There are so many times when all I'd have to do is reach out and I would be holding you in my arms, but I know I can't."
---
An' all I wanna do is show you,
How I really feel inside.
---
"All I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do is show you how I really feel."
Tenel Ka's lips tightened against the pure emotion that Jacen was radiating, even though he was cloaking himself, and he could barely force himself to finish what he had started to say.
---
You can run to me,
You can laugh at me,
Or you can walk right out that door.
But I can't be your friend anymore.
---
"What I guess I'm trying to say is, you can run to me, you can throw what I've been saying back at me, you could just walk away and never mention this again, but I can't be just 'your friend' any more."
Tenel Ka swung her head back to look at Jacen's face. The young man had laid his heart out before her, and she knew it. There was a vulnerable light in his eyes, and he shifted his weight uneasily from one foot to the other, but he couldn't bring himself to actually move.
---
So, baby, now it's up to you:
Do I win or do I lose?
Will my heart fly or lie broken on the floor.
---
When she didn't say anything, Jacen felt fear choke him, but he forced himself to say something, anything to stay the inventible shattering his heart would take.
"So, now it's up to you, my Queen. Do I win or lose?" Jacen tried to give her a cocky half smile and attempted a poor joke. "Does my heart get wings so I can fly like you angels can?"
---
Well, take me as I am,
'Cause I wanna be your man.
But I can't be your friend anymore.
---
"Friend Jacen, what are you asking me to do?" Tenel Ka asked solemnly. "What is it that you want me to do?"
"I want to be your man."
Tenel Ka blinked and Jacen ran a hand through his thick hair and gave a short laugh. "Remind me to not listen to Jaina, alright?" he said laughingly. "Oh Force. Marry me, Tenel Ka."
---
An' it's killin' me to know you,
Without havin' a chance to hold you.
An' all I wanna do is show you,
How I really feel inside.
---
The scene seemed to freeze on the two. The wind was still and the hour too late even for crickets. The moonlight grew stronger as the night wore on, moving slowly across the sky with quiet majesty, casting a blue glow over the transfixed couple. They stood close to each other, the distance small enough that they would touch if one of them would just reach out to the other.
Jacen's breath seemed to tear on a sob as he tried to control himself. If he could bring himself to use the Force, he would try to use it to sooth him. But that would mean Tenel Ka would be able to sense the panic and fear that were romping through him.
Jacen couldn't bring himself to appear so out of control in front of the woman who had enough control to be a Master.
Finally Tenel Ka broke the spell; she raised her hand to Jacen's cheek.
---
You can run to me,
You can laugh at me,
Or you can walk right out that door
---
"You seem positive of my answer already, friend Jacen." Tenel Ka said softly, her entire world a hazy mess of feelings - something that she disapproved of normally, but was willing to make an exception this once.
After all, you only fall in love once.
---
But I can't be just friends anymore.
We can't be just friends anymore.
---
"I'm hoping I'm not." Jacen whispered.
"Friend Jacen. I agree. We can not remain friends. I accept your proposal." A tiny smile curled around Tenel Ka's lips as she watched the wonder and joy spread across his face.
Jacen reached for her and pulled her close; he started kissing her cheek, her nose, her eyes, her mouth. Tenel Ka weaved her fingers through his hair and returned his kisses passionately and Jacen slowly let his shielding fall away.
Love. Pure, undivided, unselfish love flooded through Tenel Ka, and the warrior Queen was almost moved to tears.
"I love you," Tenel Ka rasped, almost purring as her lover tangled his hands in her hair.
"I know." Jacen whispered as he kissed the girl of his dreams with all his heart.
He had won.
END