Disclaimer: I don't own any thing associated with Blue Heelers and if I did I would have offered Jane Allsop a lot of money to stay and forced her to stay... well not forced her... insisted is the better term i think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I would have solved Grace's murder a lot quicker!!!

Dedication: To all those who begged me to post it especially to Elle... who is a fantastic fic writer so I am nothing in comparison to her!!!!

Title: Forgive and Forget 1/?

Summary: I would give you one but it would give it away

Here goes...

FORGIVE AND FORGET 1/?

I bathe in the rays of the sun, which provide me with warmth, which in turn engulfs my soul. Sitting here on the seemingly endless coast I feel free. Free of the troubles that have dictated my life for the last couple of weeks.

As I sit on the warm grains of sand, watching the sun set on yet another day, I feel my troubles fade with the sun. I am at last free, but I do feel guilt. Guilt for the deception that I have caused. Guilt for hurting those who love me. However I do not feel guilt for one particular person. I know this is wrong. What do our parents say when we are children? Forgive and forget? As if! If only they knew how hard it is. In time I may forget but forgive- that may or may not eventually come.

I must focus on the future and not dwell on the past. But how can I not dwell? Recalling their last words, their sorry sympathetic faces, telling me how sorry they were. Telling me that it will take time and everything will be fine in the end. I have always wondered how people could say that. Surely they have not being in my position. How dare they! How dare they imply how I feel! How dare they continue on with their normal everyday lives?

Then came that fateful afternoon. I wanted to escape but no one would allow me to. I wanted to be set free. Free from what entraps me. Free from the pain. Free from their reassurances. I begged and begged, but no one would let me go. I feel trapped. How can I get out?

Then came the opportunity. It was staring me right in the face. Like a gust of wind, it breezed so swiftly through the door. I did not know or even contemplate to take the opportunity until it was almost too late. What is that old expression- opportunity barely knocks, but when it does take it. Well, I did, and am starting to regret that decision. I was brought up that we should not regret our actions; rather learn from our mistakes or misunderstandings.

I recall moments that have dictated my course of action on the path that I have taken in the journey of life.

July 2002- It started as a kiss and ended up a mistake

November 2002- He ripped out my heart and shattered it right in front of me

July 2003- He told me that he loved me- all my Christmases had come at once

June 2004- He promised me the world. Then so slowly it slipped from my grasp and fell into the world of the unknown.

July 2004- Opportunity knocks!!!

Back to June 2004

I desperately seek. Search for what I want in life. The answer I discover after a false alarm. After learning the results of my test I discover that I am not pregnant. My heart sinks. Sinks further than ever before. I tell him and I believe that he is also disappointed. But as I recall these events, I am unsure of his true feelings. How can someone I love so much be so two-faced? I thought he loved me, I thought the world of him. Why hadn't he of me? Maybe I was too ignorant to see this but then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I feel lost. All that I had thought I had known had been taken from me. It was not taken quickly either. Etching at my soul and conscious. Burying me further into the world of depression. I heard his cries. I wanted to comfort, but I could not bring myself to do it. I should have being supportive. But there is only so much a person can tolerate.

With each cry, each comment, each memory that resurfaces, I sink further and further. Friends, colleagues, those around me know I am losing the battle, but remain optimistic. However, I do not. How can I? How can I when everything is shoved in my face and brought out for everyone to see? I want time out. Will someone let me? I need to escape, perhaps everything will be all right.

I thought he loved me. He promised me everything. Everything I wanted. A family with him. Then he proposed. Yes! Yes! Yes! I want to be with him forever. But then the nights came and perhaps guilt got the better of him. His former love came back and destroyed all that we had. I thought it would never happen. After all she had been dead for over four years. The dreams started and the pain he had suffered those years ago reappeared. He began to think about her, even to the point he called me her name. Our colleagues, our friends witnessed this and their hearts sank with mine. But I still thought I could return.

Then came the last straw. I had being pushed so far away. But I thought I could still return. I thought out love would be stronger. He came off the hero, I came out heart-broken. Then I decided to call it quits. I broke off the engagement and tried to escape as fast as I could but my exit was marred by his pleads. I brushed past him without looking back. Far back in my mind I thought we could make it if we had some time to cool off. Live a little, take a breather.

The next day at work was unbearable. He was so dismissive. How could he? How could he just shrug it off? How could he go on like nothing had happened? The others had not know what had occurred the previous night except that I had taken the chance to cool off- moved right out of there, our home.

Ben, now an ex-housemate, a close friend, the one I thought I could confine in did not let me go. I begged. I pleaded. I wanted to go. He would not let me. I wanted a transfer, I wanted to get the hell out. Even though Mt Thomas was large and peaceful, I now felt like I was trapped, cornered, served with a life sentence to go on living in a town that now represented the lowest moments of my life.

We had received threats and trouble was brewing, but was new in the world's crime capital. I as slightly unfazed by the current turmoil of the town. I needed to focus on me. I needed to work out what I wanted.

Talk of murder, bombs- the usual happenings of Mt Thomas. Little did I know that I would be faced by such a situation. But I couldn't be any further prepared.

Clancy had just dropped of a bag he had been handed to by a strange fellow. Everyone was out of the station. The boss was out at his car, and every one else was at the Baxter's property. I was in charge. I like being charge. Heavens known that this was the first time I had felt in control in days.

I told Clancy to leave the bag while I went to the toilets at the back of the station. Just as I opened the door to the ladies it clicks. I am in such a rush I do not panic. Clancy.......... Bag.... Threats........... Bomb............. WHAT????............. BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I run without any thought of possessions. I lose my name badge as I grab hold of Clancy's arm and drag him out of the station. He goes back and gets his hat ignoring my protests. Then it happens.

Debris fly and flames engulf the station. I watch the flames dance in the wind. I am just stuck in the moment. Still from shock, I flee. This was definitely the last straw. I run and I run, not knowing where I am headed. I need to escape. Mt Thomas is dead to me and I am dead to them.

As I sit on the bed of my hotel room, I watch the evening news. There is a report about the station. They think I am dead, only finding my name badge among the debris. They presume I am gone forever. I believe that it's for the best. I need to move on.

As the sun awakes and sets on each day, I feel sick. Homesick. My thoughts of freedom, have now turned to thought of home. Mt Thomas. How are those guys doing?

The Boss- Keeping cool-headed, giving advice

Ben- Probably in control, getting harassed by Rusty

Susie- Pining for Jonesy

Jonesy- Pining for Susie

PJ- the love of my life, not anymore, but forever in my heart. He had probably moved on within days. Trying to mould the next blonde bimbo in to a Maggie replica/substitute.

At each sunset, I would sit on the beach and watch the waves pound the sand. How much the sea represented my life. Calm at first, even tranquil. But then as the waves crashed, I saw myself being pounded.

As each day passes, I grow more and more desperate to return.

Choose your own adventure... press delete if you don't want anymore. Or press reply if you want me to continue.

Feedback Please.... It is welcomed and I will not criticise you if you don't like it etc.... much

Thank You for reading it, if u have made it this far. I am not good at writing and I started writing this fic the instant the station went KABOOM!!! Its being a month in the making

Once again thank you... I am eternally thankful

Jane W... who wants to see your fics.... even if u think that they are crap... coz lets face it any fic is better than mine