Disclaimer: I don't own any thing associated with Blue Heelers and if I did I would have my own computer connected to the net and perhaps post more fics ;)

Dedication: To all those who begged me to post it especially to Elle... because she always wants more- heavens know why! And her fics rock!!! And don't forget to check out her new site pjjofics. greatnow. com And for Steff who posted it on now I have finally figured out how to post the stupid thing and her fics rock as well Blaire- Your crazy coz u want more and happy birthday for today (21st August)
And to all the lovely reviewers who I think are crazy because this fic is sooooooooo crappy.

Title: Forgive and Forget

Summary: If I told you I would have to kill you- that would ruin the story and I would be sent to jail

Here goes...

FORGIVE AND FORGET 4

I sit in my cold hotel room. It's not cold in temperature. It feels cold, so uninviting. So not home. I long to be in my own bed. With my own sheets. With a room full of my furniture and my possessions. It also feels cold because the man I love is not here. Not holding me in his arms to keep me warm and protected.

I had rarely ventured outside my hotel room since I got to Sydney. Only on a few occasions. And that was only down to the bar downstairs for a drink. But I could not stand it down there. The bar was full of happy couples getting their photos taken by the local paper's photographer.

I cannot stand the happy smiling faces. I look deeper into my drink. The happy couples remind me of happy times. The happy times seems so long ago. So long ago did I feel happiness? But that ended.

I long to return home. But something tells me no. No it is too hard. I could not bare to be prod and probed with questions. The what, when, why, hows. I could understand why they would do that. After all I would do the same if I was in their place.

I would want to know how they escaped. When did they? When did they plan to come back? Why had not they told us that they were ok and safe. Where had they been? Most of those I could answer, but whether I had the courage to see them was another thing.

So many times I had picked up the phone to dial any one of them, but I hung up just as many. I backed out because I was so scared. Scared of what they would ask me. What they would think of me. But most of all I was scared of them being disappointed with me and did not feel that I was trustworthy anymore. Also that they hated me for putting them through hell.

The nights are bad. I miss my colleagues, my friends. I miss hanging out at the Imperial, basking in laughter and cheer. I miss their company. Within their company I felt safe and protected. And most of all I felt loved.

Now I fear that if I go back what will they think? I tricked them into thinking that I was gone. Gone forever. Never to return. I feel ashamed for the deception that I have created. And that if I do decide to return will they welcome me. Will they forgive me? Or will I be sent packing. In the shadow of a return I fear rejection. I hardly believe it would be a warm reception. For I know that if someone did the same as I, I would be hesitant to accept them back in my life.

I again pick up the handset of the phone but place it down just as quickly. My dears have always got the better of me. Fears of the known and unknown make us panic and often impede in our accomplishments of tasks. I have always given the impression that I am strong headed, nothing will ever get me. Little do most know that inside the tough exterior is a little girls who sometimes wants to curl up and cry her eyes out.

Over the past months that is all I have seem to be doing is crying. Crying to I think there is no more tears left to cry. Only to find a new set of tears cascade down my cheeks. Crying to my eyes are red raw. Crying to I eventually fall asleep. Only to wake up crying and in a sweat.

Nightmares haunt me as I relive what happened. What happened moments after the bomb. The moments after Clancy left my side and my escape.

DREAM
Mt Thomas Police Station receded as I put it further and further behind me. I fled through a town alight with flames. Heavy grey smoke wrapped around about me like mist, stinging my skin. My face twitched, my hands shook uncontrollably. From time to time, my stomach turning, I staggered like a pendulum gone crazy. I ached to stop, lie down, but my legs disobeyed, dragging me forward. I kept on, one dash and then another and then another.

Like a human tide, people coming out to see had flowed into the alleys and lanes on the north side of the main street. After running first in one direction, then another, I found I was separated from anyone I knew. I dashed down a twisting lane that headed east, where the sound of the explosion and what followed seemed to be lighter.

I pulled myself together, and then continued, never looking back. Only when fire engines and police vehicles and other people had passed and nobody was around did I allow myself to slow down. Dragging my exhausted body, I limped though smoked-filled streets like a dog being chased, sniffing the ground, trying to find a corner to hide in.

Must flag down a car. Now the streets were strewn with obstructions- abandoned buses, taxis and cars. Except for the fire engines and police vehicles that followed right behind them, no vehicles were on the road.

An abandoned bicycle leaned against a wall under a yellow streetlight. Here before my eyes was a ready-made means of transportation.

After the desperate flight through half the town, my body was rebelling. My flesh and blood congealed, as though I might shatter at any moment. Crumble and fall around my own feet like pieces of plaster.

END DREAM

I give into my demons and pack up my bags. I head for Mt Thomas

I find out the new location for the Mt Thomas Police. As I pull up I notice the new station is much larger. There are more police vehicles. I find the front door. I take a deep breath and walk in.

Well here is chapter four of my crappy fic... Which I think is slightly better than the last but still crap.
Choose your own adventure................ There could be more... it is up to you

I would like to thank the reviewers again, as they take the time to read and review my crappy de la crap!!!!!

Jane W