I walked out of rehearsal in the bitter cold. Angry. "Bren. Stop!" I heard John say from behind me as the door was almost shut.

I wasn't about to turn around and find out what he wanted. I turned down the street towards my home. I could hear the door open and footsteps approaching rapidly from behind. "Don't say it." I muttered

The day was gloomy and so was I. "You need to get your head out of your ass."

That had me turning on a dime. He wasn't expecting it and I nearly slammed into his chest. "What did you say to me?"

"you heard me." He replied.

"Bug off." I gritted my teeth.

"No, I will not. That was bullshit in there today. You know and I know."

I was beyond frustrated. "well that's all I got today. I got a lot on my mind. So piss off." I said as I turned away from him.

"Jesus Christ Bren, it's been nine years. The fucker left you for another woman. Just like he did in high-school. And the same bitch as last time. When are you going to move on from this?" he yelled.

I took a sharp inhale and I could feel the cold air rush into my lungs. It was painful, but not as painful as those words he had just uttered. I stopped. I didn't turn around. I heard him approach again and he softly pulled my arm and turned me around. My tears were already shedding and he knew he had hurt me. "it needed to be said. It's been going on long enough. He did you wrong, he broke you. But you can't do this to yourself anymore."

I nodded. "I don't know what else to do."

He looked down at me. John was exceptionally handsome. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in the name we don't mention, I would have dated John. It wasn't like the thought hadn't crossed my mind. But I knew better. John and I wouldn't work. Because I knew where my heart had always been. I knew I couldn't give myself to him completely and that wasn't fair. "John—" I started.

He knew from my tone where I was leading. He had heard this speech a thousand times. He stopped me. "Stop pushing me away. I was here. I saw what happened. Me and Val we picked up those pieces. We sat with you through it all. I don't want to hear about how he is the love of your life. Because if he was…he wouldn't have left you."

I turned my head away from him. I was trying to hold on. I knew he was right, but my head couldn't explain it to my heart.

"Bren, I am not pushing you into anything. I just want you to move on from this." He said as he let me go. "you know I will always be here for you. Whether it be a friend, boyfriend, or a fuck buddy." A smile crept ever so slightly from his mouth.

That last statement had me laugh out loud through me tears. John always knew how to make me laugh. "Shut up" I quietly said as I gave him a nudge.

His face grew serious for a moment and he brushed the hair from my face. "I love your laugh. Its seems like an eternity since I've heard it"

"Well if you would stop pissing me off you would hear it more." I wiped my tears.

"Please, Bren. Don't do this to yourself anymore. You have more talent than anyone I know. And it's such a shame to waste in on that asshole. You are special." He kissed my forehead.

I breathed him in. He smelt good. His lips felt warm against my skin and I could get caught up in that very easily. "I better go." I muttered.

His lips were still touching my skin and he bent his head down towards me. "don't go." He whispered.

My body trembled. I couldn't use him like that. He meant too much to me. "I have to. I can't do that to you. It would break my heart to ruin us." I said.

He kissed my forehead again. "Go. I'll be over later."

I didn't respond. I turned and walked away. John was right and I knew he was right. He had stayed and took care of me through the trauma. The aftermath. That dark year that I lost everything. How could I not see how wonderful he was? He was the better man. The better choice, but…My doubts always got the better of me. I stopped walking.

I turned back towards John. I wouldn't let Dylan defeat me like this. Even the sound of his name in my head felt like acid. I had nearly wasted a decade on him. Hoping that he would change his mind. He didn't in all those years. And I was still acting like that lost puppy in high-school. "John!" I yelled.

He had begun to walk back into the building. He turned and looked at me. I smiled. I saw his eyebrows bunch together and a look of confusion came across his face. I started to run. Which was interesting in all these layers of clothing. I looked like Randy from the movie A Christmas Story. He smiled a little as I approached and I am sure he was thinking the same thing. I didn't stop either, I just plowed right into him and knocked him over. We landed in the soft snow. Both of us laughing hysterically. "what are you doing crazy girl?"

I was laying beside of him. I was staring up at the blue sky watching the snowflakes fall around us. I turned my head to face him. "it won't change us will it? You promise?" I asked

He looked at me. "what?"

"If we do this. If we try and it doesn't work. I can't bear the thought of losing you." I said.

He leaned up and positioned his face near mine. "I know I may only get you for the briefest of moments in this lifetime. And I can't promise you that I wont be hurt for awhile if we don't make it. But I can promise you that I won't stop being your friend or that I will stop loving you." He said.

"I don't want to hurt you." I whispered.

His face grew near. "I know you don't. I know you would rather live in this world where you constantly blame yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault. It was his. Stop blaming yourself."

I didn't wait for him to make the move. I did. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

The phone seemed like the devil this early in the morning. Blaring loudly cutting through my dreamless sleep. I rolled over and without opening my eyes I located the phone wedged underneath my pillow. I answered gruffly, "what?"

"that's not very nice Uncle Dylan." I heard a sweet innocent voice on the other line.

"I'm sorry Maddie. I was sleeping. Everything ok?" I asked.

"yeah, where have you been?" she asked.

I didn't want to tell her the truth. "I went on vacation."

"That was a long vacation. I have been calling for weeks and weeks." I could hear the disappointment in her voice "And you didn't even tell me you were going. No goodbye or anything."

That last statement nearly killed me. I hadn't been a good uncle or Godfather for that matter. "I am sorry Maddie. I won't do that again."

"did you get my invitation?" she asked

I had no idea what she was talking about. "No, sweetheart. I haven't."

"I sent it in an email." She said matter of factly.

"Well I haven't checked my email in a few days." I responded.

"I sent it last week Uncle Dylan. " disappointment evident in her voice.

I could hear Steve asking who she was talking to in the background. She told him and then said, "Dad wants to talk to you."

I didn't even get to say goodbye before Steve was on the phone. He stayed pretty cool until Maddie must have left the room. "Where the hell have you been?" he asked

"I've been around. I've been busy." I answered.

"Yeah. I'm sure." He said flatly.

"come on Steve." I pleaded. I just wanted to go back to sleep.

"Maddie has been asking about you for months." He started.

Oh I didn't see sleep coming to me for awhile now. "I told her that I was sorry."

"I am sure you are. She wants you and Kelly to come to her play. Have you spoken to Kelly?" he questioned.

"I haven't spoken to Kelly in months. That's great about the play. Where is it at? Her school?" I asked.

I heard Steve laugh a little. "it isn't at her school. It's in New York."

"New York?" I questioned.

"you are so out of the loop. Yeah, we have been living in New York for months. Maddie has gotten a part as Jane in Mary Poppins. On Broadway." He replied

I really have been MIA. "that's wonderful. I'll try and come." I responded.

"Dylan. She wants you there. And Kelly. If it were up to me…neither of you would be invited." He said with no remorse in his voice.

"wow, tell me how you really feel." I snapped back.

"if I told you how I really feel…I know you wouldn't show. Listen, If you are using I don't want you there. Are you?" he asked

I paused for a moment. "no, nothing like that. Been drinking." I said truthfully.

I heard him let out a breath, "not around Maddie. I don't want her to see that shit." He sternly said .

I nodded. I knew he couldn't see me. "I go it. Anything else?"

"yeah two things. One you need to let Kelly know. We have tried to get in touch with her, but no luck."

Shit I didn't want to deal with her. It's not like we ended things well. "What's the other thing?" I asked

"Brenda is coming." He responded.

That's all it took. I shot up into a sitting position. "really?"

"You leave her alone. You and Kelly have done enough damage." He said sternly.

"That was a long time ago." I said.

"leave it alone. Don't you do anything to Bren. Don't you dare. I swear to God, Dylan. Otherwise stay your ass in California."

"I'll be in New York. I'll be on my best behavior around Maddie. I won't cause problems." I responded, but my voice must have sounded too hopeful.

"you broke her. You lied to all of us for years. We had to learn it through Brandon. She was upset and no one reached out to her. She has suffered enough. Neither of you apologized for that shit. Even after Kelly found out. So I am telling you again. Do not mess with her. Leave her alone." Bitterness evident in his voice.

I wasn't surprised by his comments. "I promise. I won't cause problems." I replied. He didn't wait around to hear anymore. "read the email." Was his last comment before he hung up the phone. I laid back.

I laid there thinking how much had changed. The gang splintered after I returned. Donna tried to stay neutral, but by default sided with Kelly. David and Kelly's relationship became strained which put a strain on his marriage with Donna. They eventually divorced. Steve and Janet sided with Brenda and Brandon. I couldn't really blame them. And it was all for nothing. Kelly and I weren't destined to be together and I threw away the only relationship that ever mattered.

I couldn't sleep. I got up and wondered through the chaos I called home. The place was littered with beer and liquor bottles. I made it into the bathroom and came face to face with myself. I had aged. I noticed the wrinkles and the bags around my eyes. My face was slender and my beard was wild. I didn't look like myself. My mind wondered back to her.

I betrayed her while I was in London. She didn't know, but I knew she would leave me if she found out. I ran right back here. It wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. The longer I stayed away. The longer I remained gone, I knew she wouldn't wait forever. I lied. I told everyone that Bren and I hadn't gotten back together. It finally caught up with me. Kelly was angry. She blamed me for everything after that. We both started to spiral in our relationship and personally. We split and it was for the best. But now I had to track her down.

I had to find Kelly for Maddie. I didn't want to do that. But that kid meant more to me than anything else in this world right now. She still looked at me like someone she could trust. Someone she loved. I couldn't let her down. I have let too many people down. None more important than Bren.

Every time I thought her of her it sent cold chills through my body. I missed her. I had often wondered if she had gotten married or had kids. But I didn't have the heart to ask. Maddie actually slipped up earlier this year and told me she was single. That she didn't have any kids. That made me hopeful again. I had thought about going to London and telling her everything. But I wasn't sober or clean. I checked myself into rehab many times. But it didn't last. I had managed to get off the drugs, but I always went back to drinking. I knew she wouldn't accept me like that. She had drawn that line in the sand our sophomore year of high school.

As I stood there and looked at the shell of a man that I had become, I couldn't help but have hope. I wanted to see her. I wanted to just be near her for a evening. I didn't want to jeopardize anything. If she was happy…it would destroy me. But I deserved it. I deserved every rotten thing that comes my way. She deserved the world and I let her down.

I turned on the faucet in the shower. I didn't even bother to wait until it heated up. I needed the shock to my system. I was still a bit drunk from last night. I had to go find Kelly. I am sure I know where she is hiding out. And I am sure I will not be welcomed with open arms.

I heard a knock on my door. I was sitting in my living room enjoying the evening with a glass of wine and a good book. I begrudgingly got up and padded my way down the hall to the front door. When I opened it, John was standing there. "Hungry?" he lifted a takeaway bag.

I smiled and shook my head. He smiled and I grabbed his jacket and pulled him inside. "what did you bring?" I asked.

"Japanese food." He replied.

I could smell it and it smelled absolutely delicious. He handed me the bag and he began to take his coat off. I turned and headed towards the kitchen. "it smells great. Thank you." I said over my shoulder.

"I got it from that place you love so much." He said.

My mouth was watering. "oh, thank you. I haven't been there in weeks." I said.

He laughed. "we went there last week."

"well it feels like forever" I laughed

I placed the bag down on the kitchen counter. I started to remove the contents. John rounded the corner, "should I get plates?" he asked.

"yeah. That would be great."

I watched him as he moved around the kitchen with ease. He knew where everything was in my home. We had shared many meals together here. We just eased into a routine. We plated the food and moved into the living area. We sat down and began to eat. There was silence between us, but not the uncomfortable awkward silence. Just contentment.

I broke it first, "you haven't mentioned anything about earlier."

He looked at me as he was about to put a spicy lobster roll in his mouth. He closed his mouth and sat down the food back onto his plate. "I figured it would come up at some point, but honestly I was waiting on you."

I was a little surprised at his statement. John typically didn't shy away from uncomfortable conversation. Hell, I actually believed he enjoyed it. "well, I'm bringing it up." I simply stated as I nervously played with my food.

"Well…honestly…I don't know what to think." He said.

I was expecting that. "what do you mean?" I asked

"Bren, I like you. Like really like you. I always have." He said simply.

I laughed a little. " that is such bullshit. You didn't always like me."

He scrunched his brow together. "now that's bullshit."

"you were Dylan's friend. You barely spoke to me for months after you two became friends. I worried that you hated me. I was even surprised that you stuck around after he left like you did." I said.

I could see the hurt on his face when I said that. Immediately I felt regret. "I am sorry I said that John. We just were never close before that and I just figured at the time—"

He put his hand up for me to stop, "Bren, stop. I understand. But you have it all wrong."

"Then tell me." I probed.

"Bren, that was so long ago." He said.

I wasn't backing down and he knew it. I stared him down until he spilled it. "Alright. I'll tell you."

I sat back and waited. He actually stood up and came and sat next to me. "I was Dylan's friend. But when he introduced me to you. I was instantly smitten with you."

My eyes must have gotten as big as saucer and I was about to open my mouth, but he didn't let me get a word in. "Dylan noticed. He told me that if I wanted to keep my eyes I better quit looking at you like that. So that's what I did. Believe me, it was hard. I distanced myself from you, but it got easier as time when on. That immediate crush started to morph into something else. I really like you. I wanted to be around you. Even if it was just your friend." He took a breath.

I waited. He continued. "then he left. He left us both. I couldn't understand why he would throw it all away. I couldn't understand why he would give you up. I saw you crumble. That first year was completely gut wrenching watching what you went through. I felt helpless, but I knew I had to be strong for you."

I felt the tears start to sting my eyes and as if on instinct John brushed my cheek with his hand ever so slightly. "why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked

He put his hand on top of mine, "because you needed time to grieve your losses. I know you'll never love me like him. There was a part of me that knew if he came back…you two would try and work it out. I just didn't want to be in the way."

I shook my head, "that's not true."

"Bren, I know you. You would have."

I felt stunned by the statement. But I pressed, "then why now? When I may see him again in New York?" I asked.

He shrugged a little. "Because I wanted you to know that he isn't the only choice. That your life didn't begin and end with him. I should have said it before now. That stupid decision was all mine, but I just wanted you to know."

I didn't say anything more for a few moments. We both just sat in silence and ate our food. My mind was going a mile a minute until John stood up. He walked over to my record player. "what are you doing" I asked.

He didn't look at me when he responded. "we need a little music."

He started to look through my albums. I couldn't see what he had picked out, but he lifted the lid to the turntable and placed a record on. The arm went down and the needle connected to the spinning record.

The pops and crackles could be heard from the speaker. John turned and closed his eyes. He always said there was nothing like listening to music on a record player and I agree. The music started to drift through the speakers. It was Maurice and the Zodiacs "Stay". He opened his eyes and motioned for me to come over.

I walked over and he took my arms and draped them around his neck. John, Val and myself had many dance parties in this very living room. Various other people in attendance as well. However, this was the first time him and I had slowed danced alone. We began to move to the song, to say this was sensual would have been the understatement of the year.

Grinding and the friction nearly caused me to have an orgasm. The song isn't very long and I was flushed. He smiled a little at me. "what to keep going?" he asked.

"I'm not sure I can take anymore."

As I next song started, John's leg was between my thighs. My groin riding near his hip. He dipped me back and I felt his mouth on my chest. As he lifted me back up, he looked at me and his mouth was near mine. "I believe you can take a lot more."

I didn't say anything. I gripped the back of his head and pulled him toward me. His mouth covered mine in an instant. I opened my mouth and gave him access. His tongue slipped in and danced with mine. The music didn't stop and neither did we.

I pulled back to stop the kiss, "stay with me tonight."

He nodded. His eyes still closed. He cleaned forward to kiss me again, but I pulled back. His eyes opened. " sleep with me. Just lay with me. Kiss me and hold me. Nothing more." I said.

If he was disappointed he didn't show it. I leaned in again and captured his lips again. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He headed down the hall to my bedroom. This isn't how I pictured us, but to be honest I was liking it.

I probably shouldn't be driving. I was still a little intoxicated from the night before, but I had to find Kelly. Maddie was counting on us to be there and honestly I didn't want to disappoint her

I had tried Kelly's place and even drove by her parents. I didn't see her car, but there was only one other place I knew she would be.

I pulled into the driveway of a large beach home. I sat there for a moment contemplating what I would say. Finally after a few moments. I opened the door to my Porsche and stepped out. I walked up to the front door Nd rang the bell.

I stood there with my hands in my pockets and then the door opened. " well what a surprise. What are you doing here Dylan?" Donna questioned.

Donna was not the same girl as she was in high-school. She was angrier and more bitter towards people than I had ever known her to be. "hey Donna. It's good to see you. I was wanting to know if you have seen Kelly."

I wasn't going to beat around the bush. I didn't have much time and I needed to tell her. " why?" asked Donna as she crossed her arms in defiance.

"Maddie has been trying to reach her about her play in New York. I am sure you are aware." I answered.

I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets and looked down. "yeah, I am aware. She knows about it. Is there anything else?" she asked.

"Maddie and Steve asked me to find her and tell her. Also, to make sure she was coming." I answered.

She looked me up and down like she was sizing me up. She finally stepped aside and rolled her eyes in one motion. "come in"

I breezed passed her and stood in her foyer. Which was larger than my entire house. "I'll get her."

I didn't dare move. She walked further into the house and disappeared . I stood there fiddling with my hands. It felt like forever, but was probably only a few moments. I could feel the air become thick with tension. I turned and saw her. "What are you doing here?" She asked.

"Steve and Maddie asked me to find you. Maddie has a play in New York and they want you to come." I stated

She looked me up and down. "I just got off the phone with Maddie before you showed up. I have been out of town." She crossed her arms. "is that all?"

"That's it. Sorry to bother you. Just wanted to make sure you got the information." I responded

"thanks." She mumbled.

I turned to leave, but she stopped me. "are you going?" she asked

I didn't turn around. My hand resting on the door know. "yes, Maddie asked. So I'm going."

She scoffed a little, " you are only going because Brenda will be there."

I let go of the door knob and turned to face her. "let's get one thing clear, it's none of your business about Bren and my intentions regarding her. I am going because Maddie asked. She is my God daughter and I'm not going to let her down."

She raised her hands and did a slow clap. "good for you. Godfather of the year. You don't call her, you don't go see her, you don't send her anything for her birthday, or Christmas. Stellar record. You know and I know you only decided to show because of Brenda. So don't give me that bullshit."

My jaw clinched, but I tried to relax. "I'm an asshole, and I know that Kelly. I can't change the past, but I can do this for Maddie. I can be better."

She shook her head, "don't make promises you can't keep."

I was done. "do whatever and think whatever you want of my Kelly. I am out." I began to turn.

"just like you to run away from a problem. You've done it to me for years. You did it to Brenda too."

She didn't say anything that wasn't true, but she acted so innocent when it came to her part. Every damn time. I looked at her, "don't bring Bren into this."

"someone should. You never did. You would put her to the side whenever it was convenient. You know and I know it. You did it when she went to Paris, you treated her like shit for months after she got back. When we were dating then, you couldn't let her go. Couldn't let her heal. You kept leading her on." She said.

"Kelly, stop." I spoke

"No. Truth hurts. Then London. You just disappeared on her. No letter. No phone call. Just gone. You show up here and lied to everyone. Said you and her never got back together. Never had a relationship. Got me to believe you. Only to find out it was all a big fucking lie." She seethed with anger.

"You played a part in all of that. Stop acting like you are so innocent in all of this. I am so tired of victim Kelly." I said angrily.

"Oh I am not innocent. I have to own my part. I had a best friend and I threw her away for some dumbass guy in high-school--"

I threw up my hands. "I'm done with this shit."

"That's right Dylan. Run away. That's what you are good at!" She yelled as I opened the door and headed to my car.

I got in and drove the hell away from that toxic place. I knew I should have just left well enough alone. I had thought about taking a drive down the coast, but I knew if I did I wouldn't make it to New York. Nothing good comes from me going South anymore.

I turned towards my house and gunned it. I needed to get back. I just wanted to drown myself in alcohol. But I kept driving by liquor stores. I knew I didn't have much at the house if any, but if I stopped I was afraid I wouldn't quit. I couldn't show up in New York messed up. I made a promise to Steve. I wasn't even sure what today was. But I know me.

I turned onto my road and parked in front of the house. I got out and headed inside. The answering machine blinking. I pressed the button to listen to my messages. Some from Maddie from weeks ago, Steve, Iris, and Erica. Jesus everyone tried calling. The last message was from Steve. Letting me know he had spoken to Kelly. "great timing" I muttered to myself. But the time and day was what got my attention. It was Wednesday. Shit! I had to be in New York by Friday for her opening night .

I was nervous. I hadn't seen the gang in nearly a year. And the entire gang hadn't been together since college. But the only one that mattered was Bren. I just wanted to see her. Be in the same room with her. Maybe it wasn't too late for us. Maybe if I explained why I left…she would understand. Doubtful, but it was worth a try.

I looked over at the counter in the kitchen. It was littered with liquor bottles. Mostly empty. "I got to get my shit together." I said out loud to no one but myself.

I got to do it for Bren.