The next morning dawned bright and cold, the sun setting a starling glare off of the snow that surrounded the school. Charlie rolled over lazily and opened his eyes slightly, glancing at the clock. 10:30. 10:30! He had slept through all of the morning services, something that spelled certain disaster. He jumped out of bed and cursed himself for forgetting to set his alarm. How come no one had woken him up? As part of his reinstatement, he had been instructed to read the opening scripture at each service on Sunday mornings until the day he graduated and left Hell-ton Academy for good. But he had slept in, missing the services entirely. Quick as a flash, he jumped towards his closet and pulled down a white, button down oxford shirt and a pair of black slacks. As he threw a black belt around his waist, slipped his feet in to his black dress shoes and ran his fingers through his shaggy hair, trying his hardest to get it to lie flat, he went over the dream he had been having before waking.
In his dream Charlie and Neil had been out together crewing, as they had so many other times at Hell-ton, and at this particular time, the sun was just setting on the lake, turning it the most brilliant shades of red, amber, and deep purple that one could ever hope to see. The rowed silently, making eye contact to make sure that they were keeping the rhythm. Suddenly, Neil stopped rowing and dived in to the water. Charlie looked at him, confused but amused.
"Come on in! The waters fine!"
"Neil, you crazy son of a bitch! What do you think you're doing?"
"Carpe Diem, Charlie! Carpe Diem!"
Charlie realized that Neil was right, so he too stood in the boat and, ripping off his shirt and sounding his version of a barbaric yawp, jumped head first in to the water. When he came up for air, Neil was treading water right beside him, laughing his sweet, kooky laugh.
"Talk about seizing the day, eh Charlie?"
"Damn it Neil, how many times do I have to tell you, " Charlie put his hands on Neil's shoulders and pushed him underneath the water, holding him down and laughing as his friend flailed about. After a few seconds, he let his friend up and laughed as he sputtered and gasped for air, "its Nuwanda!"
Charlie continued to laugh has his friend continued to cough. Eventually, Charlie realized that Neil was having real trouble breathing and he began to worry.
"Hey Neil, you ok? Hey man, I was just screwing around, you know. Are you alright?"
Neil stopped coughing and smiled at Charlie.
"Got you, Nuwanda!"
Charlie realized what was going on and his face, full or mirth and joy, immediately become sullen and stony.
"Neil, don't you fucking ever do that to me again, you asshole. Do you realize how scared I was?"
And with that Charlie swam back to the boat, pulling himself up and shaking his head, making his hair fan out in all sorts of directions. Neil swam towards the boat slowly, pulling himself up as Charlie turned his back.
"Hey Charlie, man, I was just fucking around like you were, you know?"
"Yeah, well your joke wasn't really all that funny, was it asshole? You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were choking to death or something."
"Well, I wasn't. And I'm fine. Hey, talk to me buddy. Char- Charlie, look at me."
Slowly Charlie turned and faced Neil, a single tears rolling down his cheek, his neck red with anger and frustration. Neil scooted towards him, leaning forward and putting his hand on Charlie's shoulder, leaning forward until their foreheads touched.
"Charlie man, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd get as upset as you did. I'm sorry. I was just fucking with you, just pulling a stupid joke. I realize that it wasn't funny and I'm sorry for making you worry. But you've got to know that I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never do anything purposely to hurt you. You're my best friend. You know that."
Charlie looked up in to Neil's eyes and smiled slowly, nodding his head and whispering, "I know." As Charlie continued to stare in to Neil's eyes, he felt Neil's hand slide slowly from his shoulder to the back of his neck and the next thing he knew, he was being pulled slowly towards Neil's face, and it took only a few seconds before Charlie felt Neil's warm breath on his neck. Neil whispered softly, each word letting another small burst of warm air hit Charlie's cold neck,
"Charlie, you know I love you like a brother. I always have. But there's something else there too..."
Charlie nodded and turned his head slightly, taking his hand and gently tilting Neil's face towards his, waiting anxiously for that precious second when his lips touched Neil's. As soon as their lips touched, Charlie felt his body melt. Neil's lips were soft and tender, and as he slipped his tongue slowly in to Neil's mouth, he caught the distinct taste of toothpaste and pipe tobacco. Charlie leaned forward, running his had gingerly around Neil's neck and began to play wit the dark brown hairs at the base of Neil's neck. As Charlie pulled away to tell Neil that he had always felt the same way, he was shocked at the face that lay before him.
Neil was gone and in his place sat Knox. Knox stared back at Charlie and smiled gingerly. The wind played with Knox's hair, tossing it back and forth over his head. His eyes twinkled with a passion that Charlie had ever seen. Before Charlie could stop himself, he felt himself leaning in again, and just as their lips touched for a second time, Charlie had awoken.
Charlie ran over the dream in his head countless times, trying to figure out what it meant. He had been kissing both of his best friends and had definitely enjoyed it, judging by the size of the stain on his sheets. But what did it mean? Charlie definitely didn't feel like actually kissing Knox. Charlie loved women! He loved them, loved getting laid by them, and loved everything about them. Charlie was definitely a ladies man. But then why did he have the dream? I mean, sure, he loved Knox like a brother, just like he had loved Neil in the same way. But to actually kiss him? To actually feel Knox's mouth against his own- it was almost sickening. Almost. But he had dreamed it. Dreamed it...yes that was all! It was just a dream! Just a silly dream and it didn't mean anything! But Charlie couldn't help but feel that, as he walked down the stares in to the dining hall, just catching the end of breakfast, that everyone knew what he had been dreaming. He felt the stares upon him and tried his hardest to keep his cheeks from turning red. He sat down next to Todd, not looking at Knox for fear that his dream would be written clearly across his face and Knox would know.
"Hey, Charlie. Where were you this morning?"
"Slept in. Shouldn't have, though. I'm in for it now. I was supposed to read the opening scripture. Noland's gonna have my ass for missing it. But whatever."
"Hey, Charlie," Knox said, staring at Charlie as though trying to read his mind, "are you ok? You look kind of sick."
"What? Oh, no, I'm fine. It was a hard night. I mean, you know..."
Charlie didn't have to finish his sentence. All the boys knew. They knew what it was like to have hard nights, long night, to not be able to sleep or not wanting too for fear of nightmares. But none of them, as far as Charlie knew, had ever had a wet dream about two of their best friends.
Suddenly, Pitts and Meeks walked by their table, stopping for a chat and it was decided on that the Dead Poets Society would convene that night at about midnight. As all of the boys nodded agreement, Pitts and Meeks walked away, and then Knox stood up, claiming that he had a letter to mail to Chris and Todd said he had some poetry he wanted to write for that nights meeting, and so each of the boys went their separate ways.
Suddenly it dawned on Charlie, as he was walking back to his dorm to make his bed that he had forgotten about Chris completely. Of course he wouldn't ever kiss Knox in real life- Knox was head over heels in love with Chris! That cemented in his mind that it had only been a dream, and so Charlie was free to concentrate on the other part of his dream that bothered him. What Neil had said...about loving him like a brother and about never wanting to hurt him intentionally. Charlie had heard Neil tell him that a hundred thousand times, after a long study night or when one of their pranks went wrong. But Neil was such a fucking liar when it came to that, because he had hurt him. He had hurt him deep to the bone. When Neil pulled that trigger, it wasn't just his life he was ending. And Neil knew what Charlie's past with suicide was. No one knew but Neil, and it had been hell to tell even him. And then, out of the blue, came an intense hatred for Neil. He had lied, had hurt Charlie in a way that no person except for, perhaps Charlie's father, had ever hurt him. And so Charlie made his bed with such vigor that, more than once, Charlie ended up turning over the whole mattress.
Just as Charlie was finishing his laundry and putting it away like he always did on Sunday nights, he ran across a box in the bottom of his closet. He had forgotten that he had put it there. He opened it slowly, knowing what was inside it. He slowly pulled out each and every note that he and Neil had ever written each other over the years, ever since they had been friends back in the 1st grade. Charlie read each of them again before selecting one, folding it carefully and placing it in his pocket. He was going to read it that night at the Society meeting. And damn it, the boys were going to finally understand what was going on in the head of Charles Langston Dalton.