'The Darkness of My Soul"
Rated: PG-13 for adult themes and language
Summary: The inner prayer of Charlie Pace after being hung by Ethan in "All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues." Charlie POV.
Author's Note: I do not own any of the following characters. They remain the property of J.J. Abrams and ABC. I'm just borrowing them for a little while. I do not own "The Lord's Prayer" either. I'm just using it because it was made pretty clear that Charlie was a Catholic boy, so I thought it made sense to use such a recognizable prayer. I make absolutely no money from this story, just peace of mind that it is written. So please, leave a review (my muse loves reviews!).
LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST……. LOST
The course rope fibers tighten around my neck, squeezing without mercy, biting deep into my skin, and suddenly I feel myself become separated from the world as I am hoisted into the air. I hear the savage laughter of Ethan, no doubt as he surveys his work. I would dearly like to look into the man's eyes, to see what kind of a monster could kill his fellow man in such a heartless manner, but the blindfold binding my eyes in darkness prevents me. I hear also the shuddering sobs of Claire. The bastard must have gagged her so that no one can hear her call for help. Now I think, they are moving away; the brush rustles as they pass it by. Left alone to wait for death's embrace, I begin to pray.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name…
Lord, it's me, Charlie Pace. Are you listening to me? I wouldn't blame you if you aren't. You know as well as I do that I have not spoken with you in years now. The band, the drugs, everything else seemed so "here and now" and took my focus from you. There was a time when I tried hard to stay on the path you would have me travel, but somewhere along the journey, I lost my way. Forgive me. Or perhaps that is why I am on this forsaken little island, perhaps it is some form of penance I must endure. I do not know. Lord, can you hear me? I need to talk to you before the end, before this rope severs me completely from the light and life of this world.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…
There are times when I doubt my purpose in this world, my reason for existing. Before this crash I was nothing but a washed-up musician, desperately trying to hold onto the glory I once had. And now here on the island, what use am I? Because I cannot swim, a woman died, sucked into the crushing ocean waves. And then, I nearly cost Jack his life, causing that cave-in by my shouting and actions. Perhaps I can blame the drug withdrawals, but that does not justify what I almost caused. That was why crawling into that tunnel was of such importance to me. I had to save Jack, or die trying, in order to placate my own conscience. A hero they called me. They did not know of the selfish intentions of my actions. Some hero, huh?
What use have I ever been? Constantly in the way and of little help, perhaps the others will be better off without me. There will be more food to go around at the very least. Locke, Jack, those are men that the others need. They contribute to the group. What can I do? Sing songs that no one really seems to have ever heard or cared about? Yes, they will be better off without me.
Give us this day, our daily bread…
You know, it is so easy to take for granted all that you give to us mortals in our everyday lives. It is not until we are forced to go without that we step back and wonder about our blessings. I freely admit to being one of those people. How many times did I turn to the heroin, feeling alone in the world and utterly shunned by even you? How many times that I blamed you for not giving me the talent that I wished for, for not having the ability to return to fame, or cursed you for taking all of that away from me? I should never have done that and I am sorry. I cursed what I should have been grateful for and never thanked you for all that I did have. Maybe that is way I am on this island, for the opportunity to reassess my life and look back to see all that I have ever taken for granted.
And forgive us our trespasses…
In so many respects, I am a failure Lord. The darkness of my soul attests to that. There have been women I have slept with without knowing their names, meaningless sex I have enjoyed because it was there for me to have. I have broken laws by taking that accursed heroin, damaging my own body with the toxin. People have died or nearly died because of my inability to do the right thing. And then there is Claire, perhaps the most searing failure in my heart. I swore to protect her, to never leave her, but I failed. I could not protect her from Ethan, could not stop him from dragging her off into the jungle. Now she and the child within her are in danger, because I could not save her. If there is a place in Hell for those who have failed in their lives, I know that is where I am destined to go.
As we forgive those who trespass against us...
Lord, I do not want to die; there is so much more I want out of life. But if it is my time, it is my time. I only wish I could go back in time, to before I stepped foot onto the plane. I wish I could take back my harsh words to Liam. I was frustrated and angry at his disinterest in reviving the band. It could have been our one chance for a triumphant return to fame, I thought, and he brushed it off seemingly without a thought. I was upset, Lord, and I said things to him that I should not have. And when he brought up my addiction, well, that just sent me over the edge. I said that my addiction was his fault, because he took away music from me. If nothing else in the world, I would take back those words. How could my drug addiction ever be his fault? I said that he never looked out for me, but in the end it was I who failed to lookout for myself. No one forced the heroin on me, it was my own choice to experiment with it. Liam, I am sorry. I wish I hadn't said such hurtful things to you. You are my brother and I love you. But now you'll never know and I will be dead on some obscure island, for I can feel it becoming increasingly more difficult to breathe. My body weight pulls me far too heavily against the rope around my neck. Death is not now far off.
And lead us not into temptation…
If ever there was a man who was lead too easily astray by the appeal of sin, it was me. How many times did I fail to exercise self restraint? Women, drugs, the greed that I felt for the spotlight all shook me from the path of goodness. Too many nights I lay awake, cursing Liam for stealing what fame I thought to be rightfully mine. How many times did I curse Locke for taking away my drugs? I should have embraced the man for trying to help me. The same goes for Liam. If you truly do send angels to protect and guard us in life, then they were both mine and I hated them for it.
But deliver us from evil…
Lord, I know that I am going to die and I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown and afraid to leave Claire, the thought of death is the most terrifying thing I have ever known. But how can I contend with your will? If I must die, I must die. But Lord, if you are listening, please protect the others. Locke, Sayid, Walt, Michael, Kate, Sun, Jin, Hurly, Shannon, Boone, Jack; protect them all. But most especially, I need you to protect Claire and her baby. I cannot quite explain my need to know that you are watching over them. Is it love? Perhaps. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I need them to be safe, though I could not see to it myself. It seems strange, in a way, to think that they are foremost on my mind. In any other situation, I might be praying solely for my own salvation, for some miracle that would save my life. But right now, the others are the most important to me. Please protect them, for I could not.
Amen.