My decision was made.

Bella, the brightest part of my life. The only living being who could make me appreciate the being that I am, as monstrous as it was, had been put at risk again due to the nature of my family. Even though I had not directly been the cause of Bella's suffering, I was just as much to blame.

With perfect clarity I could recall the scene that now changed my life from heaven to hell. How easily the narrative changed from redemption to retribution.

Bella was beautiful in the glowing candlelight. I remember recalling how the light made her skin shine, how the thought of opening presents made the blood come to the surface of her skin. How easy it had felt to appreciate the subtle scent of her skin mixed in the floral notes of the flowers that lay in strategic places around our home. Of course, Bella had thought Alice's preparation to be overzealous, but I thought it was just right.

Bella had opened a present from Emmett. A stereo to replace the antique one in her car. It seemed appropriate to bring some aspect of that mechanical monstrosity to the 21st century, and this was the perfect excuse. Emmett had shared some laughter at her expense. The gentleman that I was, I smiled but didn't laugh. It would have been rude.

Alice had handed Bella a carefully wrapped present, stating that it had been from the both of us. After I had assured her that she needn't worry, the gift was homemade, she slid her warm finger under the tape and jerked it open.

Or she tried to. Before the blood even pooled at the surface of her skin my throat was set ablaze. I saw Jasper's facade go from conscious to predatory and reacted in tandem. I slid into a crouch and a feral snarl ripped from my teeth. I loved my brother, but he would not get to Bella. I would tear him apart first.

Abruptly Alice looked terrified and the scent of blood became overwhelming. I turned to find Bella. My Bella. She was on the ground in a pile of crystal, bleeding. Her blood saturated the air and the floor, quickly vacating the house of any vampires who could not show the proper restraint. Including me.

I was devastated. After taking a newly mended Bella home I ran back to deal with the aftermath of the incident. I was sure that Jasper would be okay, as he was hunting now, but I did not want Bella to see me like this.

I was…. Enraged.

Not at Jasper. My brother's reaction to spilled blood was automatic. I held no animosity when it could have been me if I had been the one to react. I was enraged at myself. I should have walked away from Bella the moment I knew her. I should have allowed Tyler Stanely to take her to the prom.

These thoughts hurt far worse than the pain of thirst, but I allowed them to come. It was no more than I deserved. She had just recovered from her Phoenix accident. Another incident where my kind and myself endangered her life and she walked away bloody. How many times would I allow her to come to harm before I….

"Edward."

I spun in an instantaneous movement towards the source of the sound to find Alice perched on top of a boulder beside the river. She looked small, with her hands curled around her legs, her expression concerned.

"You didn't do this, it just happened. We will have to be more careful…" In her head, I saw myself. I looked feral, eyes wide and expression grim. Her explanation irritated me beyond measure.

"Who's fault is it then, Alice?" My tone brokered no argument from her, "No matter who reacted to her blood, no matter who THREW her into a pile of plates," angry with myself, I turned and punched the ground. My first went through the bedrock and into the ground, causing dust to coat my arm. For a moment, I wished the stone beneath my fist could break me. Pulverize me into dust, a punishment fitting for my lack "She is in danger no matter who she is around. Our kind will always be a threat to her."

" You know there is a way around that, I've seen it" an image popped into her thoughts. One of Bella and Alice, both beautifully immortal, holding each other and smiling happily.

The thought hurt me to see, because I could also see another side. One hundred years down the road, Bella might want more. Children. Old age. Progress. How could I deny her humanity?

"I will not take away her humanity. We will always be a danger to her. We have to go. Leave." The last words were whispers of agony to say. It was a momentous effort to even think about leaving Bella. But I would have to be strong enough. For her.

Alice had taken care of the arrangements. The house was now empty. The only thing to do was to tell Bella. She had known something was amiss. I distanced myself from her in school, only asking after her perfunctory needs, afraid to bring up anything that would set off her emotional nature. I stayed away during the nights too, knowing that if Bella asked my thoughts on the matter, that I would give them and she would find a way to change my decision.

I didnt want to change my mind. I already knew this would be more painful for me. She would grow and change and move on. Alice's vision of Bella's pain would be temporary.

The day we left, I met Bella when she drove home from school. Her eyes were wide with accusations as I removed her book bag (a gentlemanly action) and set it on the seat of her hideous truck.

"Come for a walk with me", my voice was monotone. It betrayed me by show the level of pain I felt. Though she didn't answer, I heard the heavy tread of her human gait as we walked into the murky forest. It did not take us long to reach the point where Alice had said she would be able to walk back. Bella became easily lost, and this was likely to be hard on both of us.

"Bella, We're leaving".

A beat. A pause. No response. I looked up.

Bella's eyes were on me, but there was no fear or pain in her eyes. She was unfocused as if she was thinking with some focus. She took a deep breath and spoke.

"Why now? Another year—-"

I had to interrupt. I would not give her false hope. We would not be staying, "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlile is claiming 33 now. We would have to start over soon regardless".

I watched as her face paled. She sucked in a deep breath and stated "when you say we—"

"I mean my family and myself". The words were stiff and unforgiving. It felt as though something was tearing my soul into pieces. There was too much pain already.

In my self wallowing, I heard a phrase that didn't make sense.

"Okay, I'll come with you".

Bella. My resolve cracked at her words. I wanted to howl. I wanted the pain of death. I wanted to tear myself open, I wanted to give every part of myself over so that I could be human in this moment. Pain rolled over me, choking my words and making them crack in places.

"You can't Bella. Where I am going….. It's not the right place for you". Or even my family. I was secluding myself to prevent them from experiencing the agony I was going to go through.

"Where you are is the right place for me" Bella's words were stiff. She was angry with me. I could feel her discomfort with this conversation. Her whole frame was still, her cheeks as pale as the moon.

Frustrated that she was not understanding my words, I told her the truth "I'm no good for you Bella". She often denied this fact with the claim that we would always belong together, fire and ice. But I had proof that this was untrue. I glanced at her arm, aware of her pain, aware of the consequences that she would receive when she was in my world.

"Don't be ridiculous" the words were a plea. I looked away, afraid of what her pain would do to my resolve, "You're the very best part of my life."

I was going to hurt her. I wondered how many more times I would have to lie before she believed me. "My world is not for you" I spoke through my teeth.

"What happened with Jasper– that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

The words made me angry. How little she values her own life. How many times should she expect to be so forgiving? An unwelcome thought came into my mind: My indecision to be with her in those first few months. The thought of luring her away, bending her to my will, biting her throat…..

I brought myself back to the present. It could have easily been me that hurt her, that hunted her.

"You're right, it was exactly what was to be expected".

"You promised! IN Phoenix, you promised that you would stay–"

I interrupted, knowing I had the loophole in this matter "as long as it was best for you"

"No! This is about my soul isn't it?" The words were a shriek of agony and I fought to keep myself rooted where I was. I wanted to go to her and ease her pain, but I couldn't. "Carlisle told me about that, take my soul. It's yours already!"

Her warm eyes were firm. She would not let this go. I would make this believable for her. Fire made my throat close, the words coming out like sins and murder.

"Bella. I don't want you to come with me".

The blood rushed back to Bella's cheeks and her eyes lost their warmth. Confusion took over her expression, as if what I had said didn't make any sense.

This was the face that Alice had seen. The face that sent me to hell.

"You don't want me?" The words were almost silent. I had to look at her lips to discern them.

"No".

I told her about the family. How Alice was gone. How she would never see us again. I saw the blankness in her eyes quickly was replaced with dawning horror. The words became real to her.

"well , that changes things," she mumbled, and I saw the blush spread across her delicate skin. For a moment my mind didn't understand her acceptance. I had told her since I knew that I loved her how irreplaceable she would be to me, that there would be no one in my life who would light my dark path. There would be none to make my stone heart beat, to occupy my every thought, to suspend me in an endless cycle of pain and pleasure. I had told her the gravity of what she brought into my life. How I would never be the same when she grew old. Because she had been the very best of my century on earth.

Yet she'd believed my false words without retort.

This was further proof of what I had thought previously. She loved me, yet her love was feeble, it filled a heart. My love for Bella made my dead heart beat again. She had changed me irrevocably and I would always love her. I thought about the agony that would span the rest of my eternity and was satisfied in knowing that Bella would suffer little. Her pain would span a year and then she would be human. The very best thing to be.

"Of course I will always love you in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm tired of being something I am not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on for much too long, and I am so sorry for that."

The pain Alice saw broke into Bella's expression and I heard a broken whisper "Don't. Don't do this." Her eyes were wide and bloodless, shiny from the moisture of her tears. Her chocolate irises begged me to stay.I heard the quiet sobs as her lungs pulled and expelled oxygen and her body shook silently in a plea to be saved.

But I was not her hero anymore. I had never been.

"You're no good for me Bella" The words burned, a faint reminder of venom racing through my lips. I flinched. Bella didn't notice. Her face was blank, all emotion gone. Her arms held her body as she tremored.

"If that's what you want".

Abruptly, I remember what Alice had said in the very beginning, when I had yet to decide whether to kill Bella: Remember that she is the chief swan's daughter. It would kill him if he lost her.

That was true. I had felt charlies love for Bella through his thoughts. He would hate me when this was over, but I would do what I could for him.

"I would like to ask one favor though, if that's not too much". My voice was emotionless, but her eyes flickered to life and she whispered "Anything".

I relaxed a bit, knowing Bella would keep this promise. I did not deserve it, seeing as I had broken so many of my own. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid. I am speaking of Charlie of course. He needs you. Take care of him. And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise you that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed".

I saw her knees shake and heard her heart stutter at my words. Her agony was mine. But she would grow and heal. She had to, "Don't worry, you're human. Time will heal all of your memories."

"And your memories?" Her voice was tinged with faint disappointment.

My memories were truly infallible. I could relive every moment as if I was experiencing it firsthand.

The first time I caught her scent.

The first time she said my name in her sleep.

Our first kiss.

If I didn't have her, at least I would have our memories. It was the greatest gift she could have left me with, "I won't forget, but my kind is easily distracted."

I stepped away and Bella's eyes followed the movement. "WAIT" she cried, stumbling humanly forward.

I caught her hands. I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Her scent burned my throat one last time.

"Good bye" I breathed.

Then the trees were flying past me and I was breaking. Shattering. There was agony.

Good bye Bella.