Chapter 4

Ginny hit the floor hard, landing on her side rather than her feet. Her head hurt from hitting it against the wall. She looked up in time to see the heavy oak door flung open and slammed against the wall so hard that it bounced back. Lucius was gone. She slowly got to her feet, crying quietly. She trudged over to the bed she had come to think of as hers and crawled back into it, a feeling of defeat in her heart. Ginny fully expected him to come back later to try and finish the job. He didn't.

She thought about her father, about what he would want her to do. If asked, she knew he would undoubtedly tell her to keep the secret, to do whatever she had to for what she felt was right. But she also knew that deep down, though he would never say it- even to himself, he would want her to live. To save herself if there was any way and come back to him. Her mother would be the same, of course. Most any parent would. And Ginny wanted to go back.

She cringed when she remembered how they had asked her to change her mind, how they had pleaded with Dumbledore to choose someone else. But she was determined to do it. Proud that Dumbledore had asked her and not someone older or physically stronger. It was something that was hers alone. Something her brothers had never done. In fact, something that no Hogwarts student had ever done! She had accepted for the right reasons...hadn't she?

For the first time since that fateful day, Ginny doubted herself and her intentions.

'What if I really am selfish?' she wondered.

'Stop it!' she immediately scolded herself, angry that Lucius Malfoy's words had wormed their way into her psyche. 'This is what he wants! That's why he's left me alone all this time! That's why this blasted room is so empty- there's nothing whatever to do but think and eventually drive myself crazy!'

Determined not to fall into such a trap, Ginny lay her head back on the silk pillow and tried to clear her mind. She thought about happier times she had spent with her family, when they were all together. Perhaps they would be again in another time, another place. She was tired. So tired of fighting. She just wanted all of this to be over. She closed her weary eyes and instantly fell sound asleep.

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Lucius spent that night alone in his room. Restless, he had started a fire and a game of wizard chess. He payed neither one any attention as he sat rubbing his forehead trying to relieve a splitting headache. This was occasionally interrupted by pacing about and attempting to fix himself a drink, which he ultimately ended up spilling at which point he threw the glass into the fire. Faced with his own mortality, Lucius was not his usual confident self. In truth, he was a nervous wreck with a terrible fear of dying. He didn't know what scared him more; that there wasn't anything on the other side- or that there was. And while fear of the unknown is often said to be the most frightening thing, knowing what lay ahead if he failed Voldemort was worse than whatever he could imagine. Damn that stubborn girl! They both had their agendas and neither would give an inch. They were hopelessly deadlocked. Time was running out. And Lucius was growing desperate.

Preoccupied with thoughts of Voldemort's impending return, he swiftly returned to the bar and poured himself another drink, not bothering with ice or anything else this time. He drank it without stopping and quickly poured himself another one. After finishing that one, and a third, he walked slowly over to the bed and climbed onto it. Sleep was not an escape for Lucius Malfoy. For him, it was full of nightmares and reminders of the mistakes of the past. He tried to do it as little as possible, but at some point he inevitably had to. Exhausted, he reluctantly closed his eyes, not bothering to undress.

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Ginny woke from a troubled sleep a few hours later. It was very dark and obviously still the middle of the night. She rubbed her eyes, trying to focus them. They focused on a stream of light coming from the small space between the long velvet drapes. Ginny got up and pushed them open to reveal a brilliant full moon. She stared at it, remembering something her mother had told her the night before her first year at Hogwarts: "Ginny dear, though you may be far away, you can always look up at the moon and know your loved ones are looking at the very same one."

"Mummy I hope you're looking at the moon right now." She whispered.

As she turned to go back to bed, something in the now moon-lit room caught her eye. The door was open. Just a little but it was definitely open! Lucius must have forgotten to properly close it earlier when he stormed out and she had been too upset to notice. Adrenaline rushing through her body, Ginny quickly walked back to the bed and retrieved the weapon she had hidden in the pillowcase. Grasping it firmly, she cautiously opened the heavy oak door wide enough to slip through.

The hallway was long and lit by candles that cast ominous shadows on the walls. There were many other doorways to the many other rooms on that floor. Ginny tried each one with no luck. She turned the corner and a light made her jump back to the first hallway. She listened intently for any movement. After a few minutes of silence, she peered around the corner again. A stream of flickering light poured from the half-open door of one of the rooms. She adjusted her grip on the knife. Ginny didn't want to go past it, but she couldn't just stay put. She took a deep breath and entered the hallway again, inching her way along the wall. The closer she got, the more her heart pounded. She was sure whoever was in the room would hear her coming a mile away because of it.

Ginny was close enough now that she could look through the crack in the door. She could see the fireplace, a table and chairs and a chess set. When she felt safe enough, she moved to the entrance to see the entire room. She saw the bar and broken glasses on the floor, a large four-poster bed. And a certain person lying on top of the bed.

Ginny stood in the doorway. She should simply walk past and continue looking for a way out. She really should, she told herself. But she didn't. She watched Lucius intently as he slept. Awake, he was cold, calculating, and dangerous. Lying there asleep, he looked harmless, even vulnerable. Ginny felt a strange urge to move closer. She began to walk slowly forward, as if drawn to him by some invisible force. She stopped at the side of the bed and stared down at him. He was still in his riding clothes. The jacket he had been wearing lay in a heap on the floor. His normally perfect hair was falling down into his face. His breathing was soft and rhythmic, almost hypnotic. He was perfectly still. If he were dead, he might look just that way, she thought. But he wasn't and wouldn't be unless Ginny made it so. She stood wondering if she had the guts to actually kill him- or anyone for that matter- face to face in such a gruesome, horrible way.

"Voldemort. I could kill Voldemort," She said with a certainty that surprised even her.

She took a deep breath and turned her attention back to the matter at hand. Killing someone without the use of magic was a messy business. Would she ever get over it? Ever close her eyes again and not see it? Maybe not, but what choice did she have? She lifted the knife and put it to his throat. One quick slash would do it. Ginny's hand was now shaking and she struggled to keep the knife steady.

"Come on. You can do this!" She told herself.

Tears welled up in her eyes. Okay. She would count to three and do it. Take a deep breath.

"One," She whispered shakily.

"Two."

She bit her lip.

As she opened her mouth to say "Three," Lucius moved suddenly, startling her. The knife fell and hit the floor with a clatter. She clasped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide with fear. She wanted to run but could only stand there stunned, sure she was done for. She closed her eyes, not wanting to meet his gaze when he woke up and found her there. But his eyes didn't open. Ginny simply stared, unsure of what to do now.

Lucius began to breath heavier and shifted again, moaning softly. His face was contorted in a pained expression. She wondered what he was dreaming about. No sooner had she thought that, than he began talking in his sleep.

"No...not.....anything but that...they had nothing to...not my child...only child...I'm sorry..." He moaned again and a tear fell down his face.

Ginny watched him toss and turn in agony and a realization dawned on her. Where was his wife? His son?

'They're dead,' a small voice inside her said.

There was no way she could know that for sure, yet looking at him, she knew it was true. Instinctively, she reached out her hand and brushed a lock of hair out of his face. His forehead was feverishly hot. She stroked his hair softly. She couldn't seem to feel anything but compassion for him even though he had been so mean to her. She thought again of her own family. It killed her not to know where they were. This war was so senseless. She hated it. Most of all she hated Voldemort.

Ginny looked at Lucius. His breathing was slower now, he seemed to be calming down. She brushed a tear from his cheek then reached down to pull the quilt cover over him.

"I'm sorry," She whispered.

She retrieved the knife from the floor and walked away, tears streaming down her face. She was completely drained and her emotions were at a breaking point. She staggered down the hallway, crying. When she reached her room, she threw the knife across the floor and sank back against the wall, sobbing loudly. Her cries echoed through the halls. She didn't notice or even care at this point. What was left? What did anyone have left?