(An: Here we go again… I don't really watch the series either but this movie is just too manic to ignore. At four A.M. my friends and I usually sit up and quote this movie. And one thing, italics is voiceover narration.)
Our scene opens to a small town in Israel named Joppa. Not much of a name, not much of a town. The three Pirates approach a booth. In modern times it would be a diner; now it's just an odd dining counter. The man standing there is Havok, a.k.a. Alex. He watches them suspiciously but also a bit amused. "You dudes still doin' that 'Pirate' thing?" he asks.
Author: Alex, slang please.
"Hey, lady, I'm my own man."
"And the author hates you, so watch what ya say or she might fry you," Storm retorts.
"Shutting up now."
If John had a foot he would be tapping it impatiently. "Arrgh! Watch yer tongue mate, or we'll havta…" Long pause. "…What will we do?"
"We won't do anythin'," Remy answers. "We're de "Pirates who don't do anythin',' remember?"
"Oh, that's right," says Pyro, and he looks disappointed that he doesn't get to fry anything. "Arrgh! Ya got off easy today!"
"Whatever man," Alex mutters, and keeps himself busy.
"We need more 'Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!'" Remy cries. "…Are they like Cheetos?"
"Doesn't matter, just keep up with the script!"
"Yeah! And root beer!" Magneto agrees.
"I told you dudes, no more cheese curls 'til ya pay your tab! Ya still owe me from last week," Alex replies.
"But you'll take away our chance to win the 'Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!" John cries.
"…What?" Alex asks.
"Inside one of those bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!" Magneto cries, suddenly impassioned. "…I'm impassioned about cheese?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact you are," Storm says in the background. "You have a problem with that?"
"No ma'am," Remy says, covering Magneto's mouth.
"Much better," Storm says.
"Well," says Alex after thinking for a bit, "You could work here for me… that way you could EARN more cheese curls."
The Pirates chorus "GREAT!"
"So, uh, what do you dudes do?" Alex asks, cocking his head.
The Pirates think, and it takes a visible effort.
"HEY!" In the background thunder booms and the Pirates quickly shut up.
"Well… I'm pretty good at lawn darts," Magneto suggests.
"Ping-Pong! I can play Ping-Pong!" Remy cries cheerfully.
"Croquet is my specialty," John brags, drawing out the syllables in the last word.
Alex just stares at them. "You guys are whack."
"When do we start?" Magneto inquires.
Alex slams the gate down on his booth. "Hey, that is so not my style!"
There is a crack and a nasty sounding sizzling sound. "I've wanted to do that forever," Storm murmurs nastily.
"Monday's good for me," Magneto says, oblivious to the fact that he's just been snubbed. "I'm not this stupid in real life you know."
Author: That's news to me…
We were short on cash. It seems not doin' anything didn't pay very well.
"So what do we do now?" John asks.
Remy thinks, and believes no one can see the strain it causes him. "What is with all the stupid jokes!" he yells.
Author: I have to make this funnier and with the Acolytes that's the only way to do it.
Remy twitches but says his line. "Mmm- nothing!"
"You are a genius!" John cries, delighted.
They exit, passing by a booth selling fish. Two peas, Julien and Jean-Luc again, have a pile of old fish with flies buzzing around them in front of them.
A man, Principal Kelly to be more specific, walks up to them. "Are these fish fresh?" he inquires, looking doubtful.
"Y' bet!" Jean-Luc cries.
"Oh oui!" Julien agrees.
Kelly sniffs, and it turns out the fish are quite rotten. He turns green and falls over.
"So that's why you picked him for that role," Storm observes.
Author:Very astute of you to notice.
"What? They were fresh when we caught them," Jean-Luc exclaims indignantly.
"Dat's right," Julien says, nodding.
"Two weeks ago!" Jean-Luc finishes.
They chuckle unpleasantly in their French way and slap each other with their own rotting fish… a little too hard to be friendly.
"Mmm, Ninevites," Remy mutters.
Beside the fact that we were low on funds, this was a memorable day because he showed up!
The Pirates turn to look at a tall figure entering the market. It's Pietro (an asparagus, as promised), riding his camel, Xavier.
"Why am I a camel?" Xavier asks.
"Why am I a vegetable!" Pietro cries, outraged.
Author: Xavier, you reminded me of Reginald, and Pietro, you get real pale later on.
Xavier seems satisfied but Pie's still sulky.
Author: Vaguely preachy part coming up. We'll wait for you to skip it.
Pietro! Now, Pietro was a prophet of God- which means he was one of the very special people God chose to deliver messages to Israel. He was kind of like a mailman, except his letters came straight from God! Having gotten a little over excited on that line, Magneto clears his throat and continues, calmer. Ahem. Anyway, Pietro loved helping his friends by bringing them God's messages. Sometimes the messages were good, sometimes not so good. But when a prophet talked, everyone listened!
Alex leans out of his booth. "What's the word Pietro?"
"Yeah, what's the word?" asks nearly everyone in the square.
Pietro, acting very dignified, pulls up his camel. "Stop right here, Xavier." From his demeanor, it's clear that he too is very British. Also, he has a monocle just like Pie's.
Pietro looks around for a moment, then music starts. "Dear people, I bring you a message from the Lord! …I feel cheesy saying that."
"It's intended to be cheesy, just get on with it!" Storm yells in the background.
"Yeah, yeah, you ain't the boss o' me," Pie mutters.
The crowd gasps.
"Oh, it's a message of encouragement!" Pietro cries.
The crowd relaxes. "Whew!"
Pietro hops off his camel and starts hop-dancing around. He's singing, as well, but, well, you know.
Pie hops in front of three shops, selling pork, bats-on-a-stick, and bug burgers. He tells off the merchants (in song!).
The three merchants (Duncan, Paul, and Arcade) look at each other, then simultaneously pull strings that change the signs on their booths. The first two are now selling bagels, while the third is selling jambalaya.
"But jambalaya didn't exist in the Middle East!" Arcade cries.
Storm growls. "You want some o' this?"
Arcade squeaks and tries to make himself as small as possible.
Pietro frowns. "Are you all quite DONE!"
"Yes sir!" the other three yell.
"Much better."
Author: Yes, well, it's stuck in my head so you can't complain.
Pietro hops up to a man in a cloak (Mr. Sefton).
"Why am I here, and why am I a cucumber?"
Author: Actually, I think you're a zucchini.
"Oh, that makes me feel SO much better."
Storm is getting quite perturbed now. "JUST SHUT UP!"
Pietro ignores them and restarts his song. He commends him on his clothing choice (still in song!).
The kid next to him, Ian, cracks up. Pietro smacks him.
The townspeople pick up the song. Every line is accented by a cheerful exclamation from Pietro- "That's right!" "You've got it!" and so on and so forth.
"What is with all these human bit parts?" Pietro asks.
Author: I like using humans for my bit parts, and most of the mutants already have a part.
"All together now!" Pietro yells. They repeat the chorus,then hop around the square in a long line, making "Whoo whoo whoo" noises.
Three girls in a cart, Danielle, Rahne, and Teryn, ride by, singing, "Yodel-ey-eee-who!"
Pietro gets a little over-excited and begins to hop around faster, singing frantically.
"Follow them and you're no fool," the townspeople agree.
Everyone holds the triumphant pose as they finish the song for a second, then communally blink, seem to realize what they're doing, and, sort of embarrassed, go back to work.
"All right, good show everyone!" Pietro shouts in his best "Brit" voice. "Thank you very much!"
That was pretty much Pietro's life! Town to town, bringing God's messages to his friends, not a bad gig, overall!
(Not sure if that chappy was as fun and random as the first, but just wait 'till I get to do Todd as a cattipillar!)