(An: Here we go again...)
We zoom in on Pietro's tent. It's tiiiiny!
Author: Gee, I don't see any non-Christian context to that...
From the tent there is a shout. "HEY!!! I'm smooth with the ladies!!!"
Author: No, you're an asparagus.
Pietro growls.
"Can we go on, now that you've done your tirade against Pietro?" Storm asks, tapping her foot.
Author: Indeed, go on, go on.
We head inside the tent, to see Pie in his PJ's. How, um, sweet? On the wall is a large map of Israel that extends just enough to show Ninevah.
"Well, isn't that convenient," Pie mutters, still sore about the connotation comment.
"It's a plot device for the song," Storm explains.
Ahem. Can I say my line now?
"Yes, that would be nice."
Right. So, every night before he went to sleep, Pietro would pray and ask God if there was a new message for him to deliver. And this night, there was a message that would change Pietro's life!
Pietro has his eyes closed, and is supposed to be talking with God. Of course, he could be conversing with the voices in his head, or possibly his camel Xavier, but considering the movie and the song cue, it's probably God.
"Hey! I do NOT have voices in my head... at least not ones I can hear..." Pie whimpers.
"Ahh, just say yer lines," Storm mumbles.
"A new message... yes... what's that? People being unkind? Lying? Stealing? Oh dear! Sounds like a standard 'turn-and-repent'- Wait, he's done this enough so he can have abbreviations for stuff?"
Author: Well he was a pretty famous prophet, even before the whole big fish thing... Just say the line.
"Sounds like a standard 'turn-and-repent' to me. Alright, name the town... I'll be on my way first thing in the morning! Where is it? Jericho? Damascus?" Bit of a pause, as he continues to consult the voice in his head. "What? Ninevah?" Confused, Pie opens his eyes. "I'm not aware of any Ninevahs in Israel..." He pauses again, and his eyes widen. "Oh... you mean that Ninevah?" We zoom in on the little drawing of Ninevah on Pie's map.
That Ninevah wasn't in Israel at all! It was the capital of Assyria and it was the biggest, meanest city around!
The little drawing gets bigger and bigger and we see the life-size city. It looks somewhat like a fish.
Now, the people of Ninevah were particularly mean to Pietro's people- the Israelites. They lied! They stole! But worst of all, they slapped people with fishes!
An Israelite hops into Ninevah, carrying a load of fish. He is approached by a Ninevite pea (Julien) who is pretending to be blind. While the Israelite tries to help him, the other pea (Jean-Luc) sneaks up behind him and steals his fish. He then slaps the poor Israelite with it, knocking him out.
"Finally, something in character!" Jean-Luc cries. He then slaps Julien with his fish. "Ditto."
Julien slaps him with a fish he pulls out of his pocket. "Yes, I'm enjoyin' dis. Y' have a problem wit' dat?"
Jean-Luc pulls out a bigger fish and slaps him with it, knocking him over and out. He grins. "Oh, dis is wort' not gettin' paid."
"We're not getting paid?!" the Israelite shouts, springing up.
Author: You're supposed to be knocked out!
The Israelite slams down his figurative fists and storms off, swearing.
Author: THIS IS A CHRISTIAN MOVIE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SWEAR!!! Prat.
Can I continue with my narrative now?
Author: -clears throat nervously- Yes, yes, do go on.
Thank you. They even slapped each other with fishes! They didn't know the difference between right and wrong. The Ninevites were so mean in fact, that most Israelites, including Pietro, wished God would just wipe Nineveh off the face of the Earth!
Author: In Pa Grape speech, that would be 'oith!'
A big stormcloud goes over the entire city and zaps it, leaving only one squeaky pea- Belladonna.
Author: I don't know if she was in Evo or not, I just wanted to fry her! Storm, if you please?
"My pleasure!" Storm cackles madly. She zaps Belladonna!Pea who disappears in a flash of fire.
Author: I wish I could do that.
Needless to say, Pietro was shocked that God would want him to deliver a message to his enemies.
The scene goes back to Pie!PJs.
"You- you don't want me to go there..." Pietro says, confused. "You don't know what Nineveh is like! Perhaps you've never been there... Well, of course you haven't! A god like you would never go to a place like Nineveh! For that matter, neither would a prophet like me!" He laughs nervously and then starts singing.
"No, it cannot be
Your messages are meant for me
And my brothers-"
"Wait, I don't have any brothers! All I've got is Wanda!"
Author: Would you like me to tell her you said that? And what I said about the last song still applies. It's in my HEAD, KRAZ-DANG IT!!!
"All right, all right..."
"We are your chosen people
And Nineveh- well, they're not!
There must be some mistake, a big misunderstanding
It's really hard to take- how could you be so demanding?
For years I've been your messenger from Moresheth to Gath-"
"WTF? Where are these towns, anyway?!"
Author: In Israel, you neener-head!
"You're really starting to regret the 'no-swearing' rule, aren't you," Storm comments.
Author: -exasperated- Jeez, howdja guess?
"Can I finish this ridiculous song now?"
Ororo and Author: Yes.
"Thank you."
"But Nineveh should get no chance to turn- they've earned your wrath!
No, it cannot be
Your messages are meant for me and my brothers
We are your chosen people- and Nineveh... well, they're not!"
Pietro goes into all-out rant mode. "We're the good guys, they're the bad guys! Please, don't send me there with a message of your mercy! ...If God is merciful, then why do I have a grape for a father and a pyschopath for a sister?"
Author: You don't even exist. Stan Lee is your god, and he's a sadistic little batard.
"Doesn't that count as swearing?"
Author: It was in French, and anyway, all bets are off when it comes to Stan Lee. Just finish the song so I can go on with my life.
Everyone else on the set: What life?
Author: I hate you all so much right now.
"Damascus or Jerusalem- I'll be there in a minute!
Any town in Israel, just ask me! I'll be in it!
Shiloh, Gilgal, Jericho, just say the word!
But Nineveh- That is just absurd!
Joppa-"
"Wait, aren't we already in Joppa?"
Author: It's just the song lyrics. Please, I'm begging you, finish the song.
"Joppa, Aphek, Jezreel, they're all just fine!
But Nineveh...
-sigh- Oh Nineveh...
No! Nineveh is where I draw the line!"
Pie rips off the part of the map with Nineveh on it and throws it out the window.
He climbs into bed and hugs his teddy-squash. "Where's Mr. Snuggles?!"
"Who's Mr. Snuggles?" Ororo inquires.
Author: His sock monkey. And that's Mr. Snuggles, veggie-ized.
Pie gives it a doubtful shrug, then decides it's not worth bugging about and finally finishes the song.
"No, it cannot be...
Your messages are meant for me..."
The wind blows out the oil lamp, leaving the tent completely dark.
Author: Now, ordinarily, I'd leave it on that melancholy note. But just to accent the utter insanity of this chapter...
"AAH! I'M SCARED OF THE DARK!!!...Why do I have the same phobia as Wolverine?"
Author: Too late! Chappy's over!
(And so it is. Do review.)