(An: Fun fun. And I too love the image of Jean-Luc slapping Julien.)
Our scene goes back to that weird little resteraunt. More people- er, veggies have gathered to hear the story, including Amara. Everyone's entranced.
"Yep, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to Pietro's enemies," Magneto says, shaking his... head? "How can I shake my head? I'm all head!"
Author: Note the question mark.
Now Logan comes back, completely oblivous to the story. "The tow truck's on its way. Ya know Jamie, I love your dad- Wait, Hank is Jamie's... dad?!"
"WHAT?!" Jamie yells.
Author: Well, technically, he's just Dad Asparagus in the series.
"Ok, that's kind of creepy," Jamie says.
"Yes, yes it is," Logan agrees, looking twitchy.
Author: Please, just finish the line.
"Right, right, whatever," Logan mutters. "Right. I love your dad and all, but that's the last time I pick him for a copilot." Logan notices the Pirates staring at him. "Uh... what's goin' on?"
Pyro slurps his drink, and Magneto nudges him. "Shuddup. Ahem. We're tellin' a little story. You should listen too."
Logan looks around, then nods and smiles feebly.
"As I was saying, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to the Ninevites."
"Wait, dey wanna offer my sister-in-law?" Remy asks, confused.
Author: There's no capital, you idiot!
"Yes, but you put so many of my relations in various cameos I just thought-"
Author: Do us all a favor and don't think, ok?
Remy humphs but shuts up.
"What's 'mercy'?" Amara asks.
"It's what this whole story is about!" Pyro cries.
"I thought it was about compassion," Jamie counters. "Remember, the menu?"
Pyro looks a tad embarrassed. "Uh, yeah. There's that, too."
"Better check your menu again," Magneto advises. "We got TWO specials today, and they go hand in hand."
Jamie picks up his menu, seeing Mercy... Market Price fade in right beneath compassion.
"Compassion is when you want to help someone who needs help," Remy adds. "Mercy is when you give someone a second chance, even if they don't deserve it! This story is about both of them. Ok, Dieu, this is so not m' style."
Author: I'd slap you if I could reach you. How many times must I remind you, CHRISTIAN movie?!
Magneto looks impatient... well, sort of. "Can I go on now?"
Author: Nobody's stopping ya.
"That's right, my cucumber friend- he's not my friend! He works for me!"
There is a loud bang of thunder.
Author: Where were you?
"I went out for milkshakes," Storm explains. "Can you blame me?"
Author: Not if you've got one for me.
"Ahem," Magneto says. "Ya can't have mercy without compassion... but mercy is even MORE important. Pietro was afraid God was gonna give Nineveh a second chance- that he was gonna help help them even though they didn't deserve it!"
"So what did he do?" Amara asks.
The scene changes again, back to Pietro's tent.
Well, never before had Pietro gotten a message from God that he didn't want to deliver! He didn't know what to do!
Pietro backs out of the tent, humming the theme to "Mission Impossible" under his breath.
A cheerful Tabitha greets him. "Good morning Pietro! What's the word? ...Why am I here?"
Author: A better question is "Why does everyone ask that?"
Pie panics. "What? Nothing! There is no word!"
Tabby seems surprised. "No word, not even from the biggest mouth in town?"
"...Aren't you going to contradict that?" Pie asks. "You do everything that veers the slightest bit from the script."
Author: Why? It's a perfectly true statement.
"Why did you pick him as your protagonist when you hate him?" Storm asks.
Author: I'm questioning that casting direction myself.
"No! Nothing at all! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very busy!" Pietro cries and hops off.
He gets greeted by another person, Alex this time, opening his shop. "Good morning Pietro! What's the word?"
"Stop it!" Pietro cries, full out freak-out-mode now. "There is no word! Nothing!!! I've got to get out of here!"
Pietro starts to run... well, really, he's more hopping than running. "Oh, I miss my powers!" Pie cries, and sniffles.
Author: -rolls eyes- Spare me.
"There is no word! I have no new messages! And above all, I am NOT... going... to... NINEVEH!!!" Pietro is so distracted and panicky that he runs straight into a giant map of the Middle East, posted next to a booth advertising cruise tickets. The merchant is Lucas. He sells tickets. There are several ships in the port behind him, one of them the Pirates'.
"Sorry sir! I can't sell ya a ticket to Nineveh!"
"What?" Pietro asks, confused. "Who are you?"
"The name's Lucas. I sell cruise tickets! ...waitaminute... where am I?"
Author: Here I thought you were going to be a good little squash and not say a word.
Lucas blinks and then decides to finish his bit part before trying to take over the world, or whatever it is he does. "There's nothing like a cruise on the Great Sea to clean the sand outta yer wicket, aye? Ok, this is really stereotypical. Why am I here?"
Author: I accidentally made my OC so much like you that I feel obligated to give all three parts of you parts.
"All right, whatever," Lucas says with a shrug. "But ya can't sail ta Nineveh! It's landlocked? See?!" He smacks the star that represents Nineveh with his pointer-stick. "Ya can't go by sea, ya gotta go by land!"
"But I don't want to go to-"
Mrs. Sefton walks by. "Oh, hello, Mr. Maximoff! What's the word?"
"Ah! He's goin' ta Nineveh!" Lucas cries.
"Oh, really?"
"I am NOT going to Nineveh!" Pietro shouts. "Why on Earth would I want to go to Nineveh?! In fact, I'm going in the OPPOSITE direction! What's the farthest thing in the world from Nineveh?" He inspects the map.
"Well, if you have a few days, you could sail down to Egypt," Lucas suggests. "It's lovely this time of year..."
Pietro ignores him, interested in the map. "There! I want to go there!" He points to the farthest star, a little city called Tarshish.
"Wha-? Tarshish? Why, that would take weeks! It's on the other end of the world!" Lucas cries, abashed.
"Perfect!" Pietro shouts. "How much?"
"Even if you had the money, no one around here has the time to sail all the way to Tarshish," Lucas replies. He then notices the Pirates, doing nothing, as usual. "Then again..." Pie notices them too.
Now we go to the Pirate ship. All three of them are lined up, making excuses as to why they definitely can't go to Tarshish.
"We couldn't possibly," Magneto says, shaking his head. "We're very busy with... cargo... and stuff..."
"You know, pirates and pillage and plunder and... uh, that really takes it out of you," Pyro points out.
"...And Alf is on in a half-hour, so I don't think we should... uh..." Remy adds.
"...and besides that, we don't really sail," Magneto admits. After a minute, "...at all. So, the answer is no."
Pietro waits a minute, his eyebrow raised beneath his monocle. "Money is no object."
For a second, nobody moves. "Next stop, Tarshish! I'll hoist the mainsail! ...What's a mainsail?"
Author: How would I know?
"I'll pop the popcorn!" Remy cries.
"I'll get the moist towelettes," Pyro says. 'Where did we put them? Hey, Remy, have you seen the towelettes?"
"I got it! I got it!"
"No, those are baby wipes. They'll dry your skin out."
The Pirates scurry around, obsessing about the possibility of cheese curls. Pie smiles for a second, then realizes he is officially running away from God. "How can I run away from God if he is supposedly omnipresent?"
Author: Ooh, big word. Did you strain something?
Pietro glares.
Author: It's a figure of speech.
"Whatever."
Magneto, knowing nothing about sailing, is not very good at it, and knocks into several smaller boats as he tries to get them out of the harbor. "Sorry! My fault!"
Even though we'd never sailed before, we took to it like a fish to water! ...that is a blatant lie.
We see Remy in the crow's nest, spyglass to his eye. He scans the sea, and then spots something. "Thar she blows! ...'Thar'?"
Author: Moby Dick, you see?
"Actually-"
"You don't need to say anything, are we quite clear?" Storm says in the background.
We see Pyro, on the deck. "Where?"
Remy looks down on the deck. "Right there! Next to the grill!"
Pyro grabs it. "Got it!" He takes it to the ping-pong table. Magneto's standing on one side, looking excited. Pie stands, inspecting his paddle disinterestedly. "6-0!" Magneto yells.
Magneto serves, but Pietro makes no move to hit it. He's depressed apparently. "7-0! That's a skunk! I win!"
Pietro clearly doesn't care, but Pyro and Remy cheer.
"Whaddaya say Pietro? 2 outta 3?"
"Ahh, no, I'm done," Pietro says, walking off.
"Arrgh!" Magneto cries. "When we get to Tarshish, Ho-ho's on me!"
Remy and John cheer. "He winny at the ping-pong! We get the ho-ho and the ding-dong! Ding-dong!"
Pietro ignores them and goes down below deck.
Once we finally got out to sea, Pietro went below deck to rest a bit.
Pietro looks around the ship's hold, depressed. On the ground are several bags of Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls. "Oh, what have I done, what have I done?" Pie laments.
He grabs a bag of Cheese Curls to use as a pillow. He slumps down on a bunk with it behind his head. From the bag, suddenly, "You are powerful and attractive," says a man's voice in a monotone.
Pie sits up. "Xavier? That you? Who's there? ...I really am hearing voices in my head, aren't I?"
"You do not run from your problems, but confront them face-to-face," the man continues.
Author: A guilt trip from a bag of Cheetos. Who'da thunk?
Pietro ignores me and jumps up. "Eep! The bag, it speaks!" He throws the bag against the wall, where it swings on the lights and falls atop a barrel, where the face on the bag smirks at Pie.
"Ow!" comes another voice from the bag. "What did you do that for?"
Pietro cautiously approaches the bag. "...Mr. Twisty? Who's there? Show yourself!"
The grinning figure on the bag bulges outward, and Todd, a cattipillar, comes riding out on a wave of cheese curls. "Hello!"
"...What are you?"
Todd inspects himself. "I think I'm a cattipillar yo... waitaminute... I'm Toad... I EAT cattipillars... yo."
Author: I just thought the mental image was funny, k?
"Whatever yo," Todd says.
Author: Please, just say your line. This is giving me a migraine.
"Who, me? Oh, my name is Todd. I am a cattipillar. Well, that's only half true. My mother was a cattipillar, my father was a worm, yo. But I'm ok with that now."
"Mortimer?" Pietro asks, utterly perplexed.
"Todd. You've got to get your gut into it!" He tries to kick a cheese curl off his foot and falls over. After managing to get it off, he stands up, dusting himself off. "I'll bet you're wondering why I am here."
"Aahhh, you... tidy up around the ship," Pietro suggests, not all that interested.
"Oh, no. I do not work on the ship. I am a small business operator! I sell Persian rugs door to door! See?" He pulls out a little cart that has tiny rugs hanging off it.
"Oh, lovely. A-"
"By the way," Todd interrupts, "do you know where this ship is going?"
"Yes, Tarshish," Pie says, and it's clear he just wants Todd to shut up. "Like always."
"Tarshish! What a trip, yo!" Todd yells, eyes widening. "You know, that may be just what I need! The Persian rug business has not been going very well around here... yo..." Todd brightens. "But I still have a positive mental attitude... because of my motivational tapes!" He puts his headphones on. "Hey, if we have this kinda technology, why are we on a boat, yo?"
Author: It's called a Sight Gag or a Plot Device- something completely out of synch with the rest of the stuff just to get a laugh. I use them a lot, so I should know.
"Too much information, yo."
He hits play on the tape. "You are a skilled metalworker."
"I am a skilled metalworker," Todd intones with a big grin, and then shrugs. "I did not know that!"
Pietro blinks. Todd turns off the tape and removes the headphones. "I'm a little scared now..."
"So are we all," Storm agrees from offscreen.
"Yes... well, that's lovely, Mortimer, but if you don't mind, I think I'll get some rest," Peitro says, lying down.
Todd stares at Pietro's profile. "He's got a monocle, yo! Why don't I get a monocle? ...and he's an asparagus!" Todd falls over into the curls of cheese, laughing hysterically.
Author: And you just figured that out... -blinks-
"Pietro?!" Todd cries, hopping around in cattipilary delight. "This will make great blackmail yo!"
Pietro blinks. "Huh what who?"
Author: That's overdoing it a bit there.
"You're in an unusually good mood," Storm comments.
Author: Yes well I've got Mountain Dew and Gobstoppers so that means sugar high... I'm too perky to be mad at anyone.
"You scare me, yo," Todd says, edging back towards the bag.
Author: You shut up.
"You're Pietro!"
"You know me?" Pietro asks, sitting up. "Of course he does- we live in the same house!"
"Of course I do!" Todd echoes. "You are the most famous prophet in the whole world!"
Pietro is half-flattered, half-disgusted, and trying to hide a smile. "Well, I don't know if I'd say-"
Todd ignores him. He pulls a rug off the rack with Pie's profile on it. "I sell your licensed merchandise! Look! I have the Pietro rugs... the Pietro plush toy..." He pulls out a mini plush Pietro. "With sound chip!" He whacks it, and it cires "A message from the Lord- smack- A message from the Lord!"
"Well... I'm..." says Pietro, clearly uncomfortable now. "..flattered."
"You are HUGE! Literally, yo! You are a CELEBRITY!"
"Well... I..."
"From town to town, delivering God's- wait, this is a GOD movie, yo?"
Author: I believe that was in the contract.
Todd mutters something under his breath, but goes on. "Delivering God's messages! What a life! You are a big shot!"
"Oh, no... it's really..."
Todd begins to hop around in utter excitement. "The man God can count on to deliver his messages!"
Pietro winces. "Yes... well..."
"You and God are like peas in a pod! Hey, that rhymed, yo! Like two humps on a camel- you always sway the same way!" Pietro is wilting... um, considering he's a vegetable, perhaps that's not the best metaphor... "Oh, that's a good one! You know, humor runs very deep in my family! My uncle was a big star back at a comedy club in Nineveh... the Taj Ma-Haha... standing room only!" Then he sobers. "I got drunk, yo?"
Author: No... but Remy did. -thumbs at the crazed Cajun-
From offscreen, there is evil laughter. No one but Storm and the Author notice.
"I'm scared now..."
Author: Ditto.
"Can I please say my line and accept my minimum wage?" Todd asks, tapping one of his many feet.
Author: Sorry, this is a no-wage job.
"...I hate my life. Then he was hit with a fish," Todd continues. "I'm telling you, those people don't know right from wrong. ...Wait, and Pietro does?"
"Looks like someone's still sore about the whole betraying thing," Storm comments.
"Oh, Nineveh," Pietro says sadly.
"Hmm? You are sad now- HE'S NOT MY FRIEND, YO!!!"
Author: Please, for the love of all things sacred, say the line, so I can concentrate on detaining Remy!
There is more evil laughter that no one onscreen appears to hear, and then a crack of thunder and a very loud scream.
Author: -winces- Well, that's not the way I would've done it, but it DID shut him up... now please, continue. -waves hands in a hurry up gesture-
"Something about Nineveh makes you feel sad inside?" Todd goes on, utterly oblivious to the chaos offscreen.
"I don't really want to talk about it," Pietro mutters, lying back down. "I just need some rest..."
"Oh, you do not have to tell me," Todd agrees.
Pietro rolls over. "Good."
"Because I already know."
Pietro jerks up. "You do?"
"Oh, yes," Todd says, nodding fervently. "There is a woman in Nineveh, is there not? A beautiful young asparagus! She is waiting there for you, no?"
"...Um, no."
Author: This is the best line EVAR. If I get to use this in a fic my life will be complete.
"You don't ask for much, do you?" Storm asks, rolling her eyes.
Author: Nope. Now say the line.
"You were promised to be married- but your job is now in the way. The woman's father is the head of an international ring of camel thieves!" Todd seems to be enjoying this. "This very day you set sail for Tarshish to deliver a message that will break the back of the camel thieves but in the process will break the heart of the woman you love!" Todd gasps melodramatically.
Pietro stares, dumbstruck. "...That was the scariest thing I ever heard.
Author: Actually, you know, it sounds a lot like Remy's past... maybe I can use that... Storm, take over!
"Will do, boss-lady," Storm says, and salutes. I think she got into Remy's alcohol... oh dear.
"Insight runs very deep in my family. Do not worry, the first one is free."
"...Please, Mortimer, I just need to get some rest."
"What is up with the Mortimer thing, yo?!"
"According to the author, it was your name in the comics, and she couldn't think of any other way to have Pie mispronounce it.." Storm explains. "It's weird, I know."
"Ok... Anyway, right. It's Todd. But you can call me Mortimer- NO HE CAN'T! ...if you want to. When we get to Tarshish, you can deliver the message, and I'll sell the plush toys! We can be a team!"
Pie stares at the wall and groans.
Todd, undaunted, holds up the plush toy. "A message..." It squeaks, and then breaks it down. Todd frowns for a second, then smacks it again. "From the Lord!"
"Ugh..." Pie mutters.
"Well, sweet dreams traveling buddy!" Todd cries. "We can make our plans to save those camels tomorrow!"
Depressed, Pie closes his eyes. Todd turns his tape back on, and before he falls asleep, we hear "You are a go-getter."
(That was insane. And long. Man. Review, I beg.)