(An: The ducky line is when... well, you'll see in this chappy anyway. Never mind.)
The game of Go Fish is short but furious as everyone calls out names of various fish. Eventually it's down to just Todd and Pietro. "I am most desperate for a halibut!"
Pietro frowns, then throws him the card. We see Todd's cards, and one of them is upside down. "Hmm? What a goose- I'm a Toad, yo!"
Author: -taps foot-
"Eh heh heh... What a goose I am! It's a match! I had it all along!" He puts down two trout and two whales.
Magneto looks abashed. "Huh? But I thought for sure..."
Pietro stands up. "All right! I admit it! It's my fault! All my fault! I'm the one to blame!"
Everyone stares at him.
"But... I... the worm..." Magneto stammers.
"I'm a cattipillar, yo!"
Pietro waits a second, then, "I am a Hewbrew- wait, I thought I was Polish... now I'm confused."
Author: Please, just say the stupid line!
"All right, all right," Pietro mutters. He pulls a script out of his pocket, thumbs through it, and clears his throat. He goes on in a monotone. "I am a Hebrew, and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land. And I'm running away from him. He told me to go to Nineveh, but I didn't listen. You know, I don't like those people..."
John winces. "Ooh. Fish slappers."
"Yes, so I ran. I ran and I ended up here and now everyone's in terrible danger all because of me! I'm afraid the only thing left is to be thrown into the sea!" Pietro wails.
Author: Don't you just love karma?
"Waitaminute... I can't go near the sea! It messes with my complexion!"
Author: ...and your point would be...?
"Aww," Remy says. "You don't have to do that. We gotta plank! You can just walk off!"
Pie raises his eyebrows. "...Yes, thank you. You're TOO kind."
Remy grins. "Y' don' know how long I've wanted to push dat guy off somethin'."
Author: I believe the feeling's mutual for all present.
"Well, Pie, ol' buddy," Magneto begins, then, "wait... he's my son!"
Author: In this universe, you're a grape and he's an asparagus. Just please, for the love of all things overly sugared, say the line.
"It was nice knowin' ya. Normally, you'd be entitled to a refund, but under the circumstances- you know, with you dyin' and all..."
Pietro is once again underwhelmed by his father's benevolence. "...No... I don't suppose a refund would do me much good, now would it?"
"Ah thanks! You're a trooper," Magneto cries, then turns to Remy. "Ain't he a trooper?"
Remy just stares. "Can we get t' de killin' now?"
Todd looks up at Pietro. "But... the camels, yo..."
"Oh..." Pie shakes his head, then looks at the sea. "Bye-bye complexion..."
Then Pyro brightens. "Hey! Wait a minute! I just remembered something! Maybe you don't have to walk the plank after all!" He does a happy dance. "Now if only I had me lighter, my life would be complete!"
Everyone is shocked, be it by the happy dance, or the statement... we don't really know.
"Who's 'we'?" Pietro asks.
Author: That would be me and the director. -thumbs at Storm- Well, ok, right now she's passed out, but it's close enough.
Everyone gathers around a big tarp at the back of the shop. "Every winter, my cousin from Moose Lake asks me to take care of this!"
Author: What is it with all the WI references?!
Pyro ignores the author and pulls off the tarp, revealing a large gas powered outoard dual propeller boat motor.
Everyone "oooh"s.
"Cool!" Remy says.
"What is it?" Magneto asks.
"This, me mates," Pyro says, with the pride in mechanics that only guys can do, "is a Jupiter 1600 horsepower, high-octane, dual propeller, pull ignition, outboard motor... with the optional chrome trim package."
"Oooh..." everyone says again, just the same.
"Cool!" Remy says.
"...What is it?" Magneto asks again.
Pyro rolls his eyes... um, well, sort of. It's in his tone. "It gets ups back to Joppa."
"Ah," Magneto says.
"Well... how does it work?" Pie asks, cocking his head.
"...That, I don't know," Pyro replies, with a shrugging gesture.
Everyone stands there and stares at it, then Todd pipes up. "Perhaps I could help!" He turns to Pie. "You know, technical competency runs-"
Pietro rolls his eyes and interrupts him. "I know, very deep in your family."
"Oh! Our reputation precedes us, yo! Well then..." He walks over to the motor and hops up near the rip cord. "It appears that one should pull the cord and then perhaps push this black bubbly thingy..." He pulls the rip cord a few times and the engine turns over but doesn't start. He then bounces up and down on top of the fuel line bubble.
Author: Here I would like to state that I have no idea what this stuff is- I've just seen the movie a lot and that's what the script calls it.
Nothing happens. Everyone stares at Todd, who looks nervous since it didn't work. "Oh... no.. yo... perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps if one first pushes the black bubbly thingy and THEN pulls the cord... yo."
Everyone nods, and you can tell they have no idea what he's talking about. He does so and the engine starts up. "Ahh!" everyone choruses.
"See?"
The adoring "Ahhh"-ing turns to screaming as the propellers catch the deck. It goes flying across the ship, ripping up planks until it slams through the guard rail and drops into the sea.
Pyro blinks. "Yep, that's how it works."
Everyone turns to glare at Todd, who is standing there dumbfounded. He squeaks. "It has been delightful, yo, but I really havta go!" He runs away and dives into a bowling ball bag.
Everyones stares at that for a second, then turns to Pietro, who looks resigned.
We switch to Pietro, on the plank, above a raging, dark sea. "I'm scared now." He's wearing a swim cap and a little ducky swim ring. The Pirates are standing behind him with their eyes closed and heads bowed.
"Oh Lord," Magneto is saying, "don't let us die for this man's sin. And don't hold us responsible for his death, because it isn't our fault. O Lord, you have sent this storm upon him for your own good reasons."
Author: Psychobunny, this is the infamous ducky line. Take it away Remy.
"And keep m' ducky safe."
All the Pirates chorus "Amen."
The Pirates look up to Pie. He looks back, gulps, and then turns toward the sea. Todd pokes his head out of the bowling bag. He seems DEPRESSED!
"I'm havin' a party yo! Shrimp puffs on me!"
DEPRESSED, you idiot.
Pietro ignores him, bounces a few times on the plank, and then jumps into the sea. Immediately the storm stops. Pietro bobs up and down in his ring and looks around. The Pirates looks surprised that it worked. "That was easy."
"Well..." says Pyro. "Should we pull him back in?"
"I don't see why not," Magneto replies.
Pyro pulls out a lifesaver ring and throws it out to Pietro. He misses by a mile.
Pietro looks nervous. He opens his mouth to speak, then quickly shuts it as something brushes against him. Pie panics. "Something touched me! There's something in the water!"
Magneto and Pyro argue as Pyro pulls back in the ring. "Hurry up! Hurry!"
"I'm hurryin'!" Pyro snaps.
"Hang on Pietro," Magneto calls. "Aim this time!"
"I was aiming!"
"I can never tell where you're lookin'..."
"You should talk!"
Pyro throws and misses again. "Fellows, please!" Pietro yells.
"Pull it back in, hurry!" Magneto says.
"Ok, ok, I got it!"
"Let me do that!"
"No, no! I'll throw it!"
"Fellows... please!"
"Common, give it here!"
"I said I got it!"
Remy interrupts. "Excuse me, mes amis! Perhaps I can be of some assistance!"
Remy grabs the ring, and throws it. This time it heads straight for Pietro. It land perfectly around him. Remy smirks and starts to pull Pietro in. "Why am I doin' dis again?"
"It's in the script," the other Pirates chorus.
Just as Pietro gets closer to the boat, a giant whale comes out of nowhere and swallows him whole. Everyone looks shocked. "Oops."
The Pirates happen to notice that the whale is rapidly pulling out their life preserver and with it, their boat.
"Uh-oh..."
The rope reaches its full length, pulls taut, and then the thingy holding it to the mast breaks loose. They are no longer attatched to the whale! The Pirates look relieved. But then, the metal thingy wedges into the guard rail and the Pirates realize that, yep, they're back to being attached to the whale.
Before they can react, the boat jerks and starts moving really fast, sending the Pirates sailing across the deck. "AAAH!!!"
Magneto stands up, looking for a solution. "Man the cannon! ...does she mean the comics?"
Author: That was with TWO n's, you idiot.
"Aye aye cap'n!" Pyro cries. "This is fun!"
Remy and Magneto run up to the cannon. "We don't got no ammo mates!" Pyro yells.
Remy looks around and spots the piles of stuff. "Oh yes we do!"
"Fire one!" Magneto cries. Pyro pulls a string on the cannon and a tennis racket comes flying out. It spins wildly out of control and lands in the sea... nowhere near the whale. Remy stuffs in two croquet mallets. "Fire two!" The mallets fly out, ect. Remy then grabs the ammo jackpot- the bowling ball!
Just before it falls into the cannon, Todd sticks his head out of the thumb-hole. "Hello?" he asks, as he sips tea.
"Fire three!" Magneto yells. Pyro pulls the string and the bowling ball goes soaring. Todd pokes his head out again.
"AAAAIIIIIII'm coming traveling buddy!" By the time the bowling ball gets close to the sea the whale is nowhere in sight. Todd looks confused.
Author: Read: normal expression.
"Hey, yo!" Todd yells, outraged. "Traveling buddy?" He whistles, as if calling for a dong. "Where are you?"
The whale leaps out of the water, and like a really big dog, catches the bowling ball in its mouth and swallows it. It goes back, releasing the life preserver.
The Pirates blink in relief. Magneto and Pyro remove their hats in respect. "Now that boy really knows how to go fish."
The rubber ducky swim ring pops out of the water. Remy lights up. He turns to the others, who don't really seem to care. He tries to match their somber looks.
We switch to the inside of the whale, where Pietro is sitting on a ship that the whale can't digest. After a second, the bowling ball rolls up to him. "Oh, look... a bowling ball. If only I could find some pins... why does ancient Israel have bowling?"
Author: -shrugs- Once again, sight gag.
Todd pops out of the bowling ball. "You found better then that, traveling buddy! It's me, yo!"
Pietro rolls his eyes. "Oh my..."
"So forget about Tarshish," Todd says, spirits undampened by Pietro's less than warm welcome, "all we need to do is get this whale to swim to Nineveh! You give the message, I'll sell the plush toys, we'll be right back on track!"
"Mortimer, please don't speak to me," Pietro says. "I'm having a rather bad day." He stands up and walks away from him, depressed and rather annoyed.
"Well you don't need to be so down about it, yo- Mr. Grumpypants! ...I like that nickname! Grumpypants!"
Author: One of the best lines ever... and I give it to the Toad.
Pietro turns back to him, mad now. "Look around you! We're inside a whale! We're going to be DIGESTED! Do you know what that means!?"
"Of course I do," Todd snaps back. "Digestion runs very deep in my family! I'm just trying to have a positive outlook, you know!" He pauses a second. "You know the difference between you and me is that you see the whale as half empty, but I see the whale as half full, yo!"
Pietro blinks. "...I don't know what that means."
"...Neither do I." Todd looks depressed as well now.
Pietro sits down. "Oh, I might as well face it! God gave me a job to do and disobeyed him. I ran the other way! I've done something terrible and now I'm getting what I deserve. I'm going to die here in this whale."
Todd opens his mouth to speak and try to cheer him up... then realizes there's nothing he can do.
"Have you ever seen anything so pathetic?"
"Mmm mmm. This boy need some help!"
Pietro startles. "What? Who's there?!"
"Take it easy, Pietro! We're on your side!" Three singers step out of the shadows, all in glittery costumes. It's Evan and Mr. and Mrs. Daniels. The one speaking was Mr. Daniels. Evan just looks sulky.
"How did you know my name? How did you get in here?"
"Were you in the bowling ball too?" Todd asks.
"Oh, no, that's not how we get around," Evan informs them. "No, we came straight from the big man himself! ...Who, Xavier?"
Author: -glares- I don't like you and you're seriously trying my patience...
"You mean...?" Pietro makes a vague upward gesture.
"Mmm hmm!" Mrs. Daniels agrees. 'And just like you, we deliver his messages!"
"So you're prophets too?" Pietro asks, brightening somewhat.
"Not exactly," Evan says, shaking his head. "You see, we work on a slightly HIGHER level. I still have no idea what I'm talking about."
"You do? Or... you don't?" Pietro looks rather confused now.
They nod. Mr. Daniels leans in. "And Pietro- we've got a message for you!"
Pietro looks around as music starts.
"You're feelin' pretty blue- you didn't do what God requested," Evan begins.
"Yeah, I'd be mopin' too," Mrs. Daniels agrees, "if I was gonna be digested!"
"This ain't a pretty picture- no, it ain't a pretty sight," Mr. Daniels continues.
"You ran from God this morning," Mrs. Daniels goes on, "and you're..."
Then all of them chorus, "Whale chow tonight! But hold up! Hang on!"
"Not so fast!" Evan sings. "Your life ain't over yet... and that's a pity."
"We're here to tell you all about," Mr. Daniels goes on, subtly kicking his son.
"The forgiveness that..." Mrs. Daniels sings, trying to ignore Evan and her husband.
"You can get!" they all sing.
Lights turn on out of nowhere and show a big choir of gospel-singing vegetable angels.
"You see, our God's a God of mercy," Evan starts.
"Our God's a god of love," Mrs. Daniels finishes.
Then everyone, "And right now he's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!"
The tempo picks up, the band kicks in, and clappin' and swayin' commence!
Author: If you need help picturing it, imagine a bunch of green crosses in shiny outfits. That's the metaphor that comes to my mind, anyway.
"Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how his love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances
Our God is the God of second chances!"
Author: -hums song- Oh man... it's in my head...
"Ain't it great to know a God who gives a second chance," Mr. Daniels sings.
"Why, that's enough to get a smile from Mr. Grumpypants, yo!"
"So if you say you're sorry for all the stuff you do," Evan goes on.
"We know that he'll be ready with a second chance for you!" Mrs. Daniels completes the verse.
"Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances
You'll be floored how his love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is the God of second chances!
Our God is a god..."
The whole group starts dancing and stuff. Pietro's even getting into it.
"You see, that just proves what I've been sayin'," Evan mutters. "White men can't dance."
The gospel veggies ignore him and start on the big finish. "If you believe
God's love is true
Then you should know
What you should do!" They repeat this several times, then the chorus.
"Second chances
Second chances!
Praise the Lord! He's a God of second chances!
You'll be floored when his love your life enhances
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances
Our God is the God of second chances!"
We go back up to the surface, where Lucas and Rob are fishing in a small boat. We can faintly hear the music from the whale. They both look puzzled, and Lucas leans over the edge of the boat and stares down into the water.
Author: I love that part.
(And that's that.)