(An: This is the last chapter of this insanity. I don't know whether to woot or to cry. This chapter's prolly gonna be as long or longer as the first... so yeah.)
Later, still in the Nineveh market place, we go to Pietro, tied up, with a bag on his head.
Wanda: Can we just leave him there?
Author: Sadly no. He still has a big musical number to do. I'll let you kill him after that.
He's surrounded by Ninevites who are staring at him. "Oh! Wonderful! It must be time for my speech!"
The bag comes off Magneto's head, who's tied up as well. "Hey! I can't move!"
Author: Quite the observant one...
The bag comes off Pyro's head and he tries to pull against the ropes. "Where's moy lighter?!"
Author: Line, please.
"I can't move either! ...I'd be able ta if I had moy lighter!"
Remy's bag is off, too, and he can't move either. "Times like dis I miss m' hands."
Pietro looks around and realizes that he can't move either. He looks over to Magneto. The reason he can't move is because he's tied back to back with Pyro on a large wooden bulls-eye beneath an ominously hanging metal fish. "GASP!"
Magneto blinks. "What? Have I got somethin' on my face?" Then he sees Pietro's situation. "GASP!"
Pyro notices Remy, who is, you guessed it, in the same problem. "GASP!"
Ditto for Remy. "GASP!"
"This doesn't look good..." Pietro murmurs. "We're going to be splatted alive by giant metal fish?"
Author: Yeah. Just wait until you see the test veggie.
All four vegetable-mutants gulp.
Remy looks nervous. "Dieu! ...does Remy really havta say dis?"
Author: Yes he does. By the way, has anyone seen Storm?
"She took all de beer," Remy mutters.
Author: I lose more directors that way. -shrugs- Oh well. Go on.
"Sorry guys! I thought dey were free samples! Dey were right out dere in de open in a big bowl! Very misleadin'!"
"Oh, don't go blamin' yourself," Magneto says. "Scratch that, please do."
Pyro is mad at Magneto. "No, blame HIM!" He gestures at Magneto... somehow, even though he doesn't have arms and is tied up. "'Let's put it all in in cheese curls,' he says. 'No,' I say, 'we need a BALANCED portfolio! A little stock, a little bonds... a little cash or cash equivalents... and THEN maybe some snacks!' But NO! 'Put it all in cheese curls!' he says."
"Turns out he's quite de intellectual when P.O.'ed," Remy comments.
"You shut up!" Pyro snaps, then goes back to Magneto. "Mate, you gotta plan for the future!"
"What? It got us here, didn't it?!" Everyone stares at Magneto like he's a crazy idiot.
"How is that different from the way we stare at him all the time?" Remy asks.
"Not 'here', literally..." Magneto objects. "But... we were SOMEBODY! We were celebrities!"
"We are going to DIE!" Pyro retorts.
He's stopped from going off on an outraged tirade again by Mastermind. "People of Nineveh! These four men..." He glances at Todd, who is tied up with Pietro. "...and that small... whatever-it-is..."
"I'm a cattipillar, yo, and you're a monkey!"
"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"
Todd mumbles the next part to himself. "Well, that is only half true, yo..."
"Have been found guilty of high thievery against the Royal City of Nineveh!" Jason continues, choosing to ignore Todd rather than confuse himself further. The crowd hisses.
"MEOW!"
Author: All right, who let Sabretooth in here?!
Logan: -OS, chuckles-
Jason rolls his eyes and goes on. "For their punishment... The Slap of No Return!"
The crowd blinks, not getting it. The Pirates look up, not sure whether to be frightened or not. "What's so funny?" Remy asks.
"Observe!" Jason cries. He places a pumpkin on a platform that is a mini version of the ones Pietro and the Pirates are tied to.
Author: Put that way, they sound like some crappy rock band.
Jason ignores me and goes about his business. On one side of the pumpkin is a smiley face. Jason hastily turns it around so a terrified face is turned towards the crowd. He picks up a sword, and cuts the rope that is suspending the metal fish. The fish falls, splattering the pumpkin to bits. Some of it hits Pietro's face. After a second, the crowd starts cheering an the Pirates and Pietro start wailing.
Todd, who can't see a thing, pipes up. "What is happening that is making you all cry like little babies?"
Pietro ignores him and tries to yell over the commotion. "Why on earth do you take snack food so SERIOUSLY?!"
Jason looks like he's about to answer, when some trumpet fanfare answers for him. He spins back to the crowd. "People of Nineveh! I give you King Apocalypse!"
Everyone looks up at a little balcony waaay up overhead. From the shadows come King Apocalypse, a big, grumpy gourd. He looks just like all the pitchmen on the Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl bags. "...What am I doing here? Why am I a gourd?"
Author: I like turning you into strange and unusual things.
The Pirates look stunned. "It's 'Mister Twisty!'" Magneto shouts.
"Well, that explains it," Pietro murmurs.
Pyro and Remy squint up at him. "He looks happier on de bag," Remy comments.
Author: This is another really good line.
"Your royal gourdliness," Jason says. "These are the perpetrators of the heinous act against your curls of cheese! For their punishment... The Slap of No Return!"
King Apocalypse grins. "Proceed."
Jason turns to go about his business, but Pietro interrupts. "Wait! Won't you at least give the guilty parties the chance to speak in their own defense?!" Jason looks up at the King, who thinks about it for a second.
"You may speak."
Pietro relaxes a bit as Jason lowers his really big sword. "I don't need a reminder of its size!" Pietro snaps, eyeing it.
Author: It's fun to make him nervous.
"Well... as I understand it, the snacks in question were right out in the open, in a large bowl! I think we'll all agree that was somewhat misleading... Don't you think?"
Jason looks at the King again, who nods, then frowns. "Slap them."
Jason shrugs... well, sort of, and brings his sword back up. Pietro panics while the Pirates start panicing in the background again. "No! You don't understand! I'm not REALLY with them..." Pietro appeals. "I mean... how could I be? While they were taking the tour, I was in the belly of a whale!"
Jason freezes. The crowd shuts up. "What... did you... say?"
Pietro doesn't get the point of the reaction. "I said while they were on the tour... I was in the belly of a whale!"
The crowd gasps and Jason steps back, clearly freaking out. "But... you are not dead!"
"No!" Pietro agrees. "That's just it! I was in the whale for 3 days and nights! Then I prayed to my God, and the great monster spit me up onto the shore... So that I could bring you all a message!"
Jason twitches and the crowd whispers among themselves.
"MEOW!"
Author: I said WHISPERS.
The King approaches the edge of his balcony. "This isn't gonna break under me is it?"
Author: Maybe if you'd lost some weight...
The King glares, then speaks. "Hmm... Asparagus, here in Nineveh we bow to the Great Fish... We celebrate the Great Fish in our art..."
Pietro looks at the fish pictures on the buildings and then up at the large metal one hanging over his head. "Yes, I noticed..."
"If what you are saying is true..." The King thinks about it for a moment.
"Yes," Jason agrees. "How do we know if he is telling the truth, sire?"
"Smell him."
"Y-your highness?"
"Smell him."
Jason awkwardly steps toward Pietro and sniffs. He staggers back, looking like he might pass out. "Whoah! Stay outta the gym lockers!"
"Er," says Pietro. "I'm... terribly sorry... I've been meaning to shower..."
"He has been in the Great Fish!" the King cries. "We must hear the message."
Pietro blinks, confused. "What? Oh... the message... Yes..." He can't quite remember, what with the mess of the last few days. "...the message... oh dear what was the message?"
"Common, yo!" Todd says.
"It's been so long... I...Oh! Yes. Ahem." Pietro collects himself, then shouts, "Stop it!"
The crowd gasps- "MEOW!"
Author: Someone... please... kill him... oh man, I need an aspirin.
"Stop cheating! Stop lying! And especially, stop slapping people with fishes! Or this entire city will be destroyed!" Pietro looks around, heightening the dramatic effect. "A message from the Lord!"
Well, the King was very upset! He had no idea they weren't supposed to do that stuff! No one had ever told him before!
A decree is handed to Jason, who clears his throat and generally looks very important. "A decree from the King! Let everyone call urgently to God! Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. Perhaps the God that brought this man out of the Great Fish will give us a second chance." The crowd erupts and everyone smiles... ok...
"And let the asparagus and his friends go free!" Apocalypse adds. "That's KING Apocalypse to you, sadistic mortal!"
Author: Apocaroach!
King Apocalypse twitches.
They are all untied and congratulated by the crowd. Happy happy. "MEOW!"
-Boom!-
Author: Ah, Storm, there you are. Over your hangover?
"No, he was giving me one helluva hangover... do you have any aspirin?"
So the King and the people of Nineveh said they were sorry, stopped the fish-slapping, and started being nice to people... I feel really cheesy saying that...
Back to the resteraunt. "Wow!" Amara exclaims. "That's great!"
"Yeah!" Jamie agrees. "Everyone musta been really happy, right?"
"Well, almost everyone," Magneto replies.
Pietro and Todd are being thanked by all the people of Nineveh. "This is really good for business, yo," Todd adds as several small children run off, clutching Pietro plush toys.
"Yes, thank you! Farewell! Goodbye, thank you!"
You see, Pietro figured God wouldn't really forgive the Ninevites. I mean, they had done some terrible stuff. No! He figured God had something else in mind!
Pietro and Todd climb the canyon wall to a high spot that overlooks Nineveh. Pietro sighs. Todd is confused. "What are we doing?"
"Oh, it's time to watch the fun!"
"And what fun would that be?"
"Well, I did what I was supposed to do... I warned them that they were going to get in big trouble! So now that they've had their warning, it's time to watch God wipe them off the face of the earth! ...This guy's sort of conceited, ain't he?"
Author: Do I really have to say the "this is why I picked you" spiel?
"I hate you."
Todd gives Pietro a quizzical look. He doesn't notice.
"I picked a safe distance so we won't get singed."
Pietro sits back to watch the destruction. Time goes by. The sun is high and hot in the sky. Nothing happens... Pietro is sweating, but still smiling. "This is gonna ruin my complexion!"
Author: Close, but not quite.
"Fine, fine. This is going to be great! The bad guys! Finally getting what they deserve!"
More time passes... Pietro begins to wilt.
So Pietro waited for God to destroy Nineveh. Even now, God was compassionate towards Pietro and caused a plant to grow that shaded him from the hot sun...
Pietro looks up and sees a large weed hanging over him like an umbrella. "Hmm? Oh! Yes! Very nice! Thank you! Very nice!"
He settles back. Todd looks from him to the weed, seeming hungry...
Pietro kept waiting. But it didn't seem like anything was happening! He wondered if maybe God was forgetting something. Jeez, this guy just can't take a hint, can he?
Pietro stands up, looks up, then back at Nineveh. "All right! I did my job! So... fire! Brimstone! Whatever! You pick! Right over there!. I'll just... sit here under my weed... and wait." Pietro forces a smile and leans back against the weed. Without warning, Pietro and the weed crash to the ground. Jonah sits up. "What-? What happened?" Pietro spots Todd, munching a mouthful of weed, and the gnawed stump.
"It's not flies, yo, but it'll do..."
"What? How could you?!"
Todd blinks. "Hmm? All your whining made me hungry, yo! It was just a weed..."
Author: Now here comes the not-so-funny vaguely preachy part... we can wait for you to skip it, don't worry.
"Just a weed?! It- it was my shade! It was my friend! Oh, dear Lord, how could you let this happen?"
Todd snaps. "Would you look at yourself?! You care more about that weed than all the people in Nineveh!"
"Well... I..."
"Why are you here now, yo? Instead of back in the belly of that whale? Ok, maybe this job does have perks. I get to yell at Pietro, yo!"
Author: You're ruining the seriousness of the moment here... not that I'm complaining...
Pietro blinks. "Because God is compassionate! He wanted to help you! And because he is merciful! He gave you a second chance!"
"Oh, yes- and I'm very grateful-"
"Has it ever occured to you that maybe God loves everybody, yo? Not just you! That maybe he wants to give everyone a second chance?!"
"Um- well-"
"He saw that those people needed help- that they didn't know right from wrong- and he wanted to help them, yo! And that is why he sent you!"
"Ah-"
"And when you told them what they were doing wrong they said they were sorry- they put down their mackerels and their halibuts- and they asked God for a second chance! And yo, he gave them one! Don't you see? God wants to give EVERYONE a second chance! And so should we!"
Pietro looks ok for a second, then he snaps back to his normal self and flops on the ground. "Well, if THEY get a second chance- those fish-slappers- well then... it would be better if I were dead! Oh I wish I were back in that whale!"
Pietro is quite clearly a basket case.
Author: And they just realized that now... Oh, btw, the preachy part is over. You can start reading again.
Todd stares at him, abashed. "You are pathetic. You know, patience runs very deep in my family, yo, but not THAT deep. I'm out of here!" He starts to walk off.
"What? What are you doing?"
Author: Well, scratch that. One last preachy bit.
"I wanted to be big and important... just like you! But the world doesn't need more people who are big and important- do I really have to say this next part, yo?"
Author: People have asked that before. What do you think my answer will be, Toddles?
"Fine, yo. The world needs more people who are NICE. And COMPASSIONATE. And MERCIFUL."
Author: Note how all the key words pop up in the chastising rant.
"You can find yourself a new traveling buddy. Goodbye."
"You can't just leave!"
"Can and am!"
"But... who will I talk to? You can't just leave me here all alone!" Todd and now even Xavier ignore him and walk off. "Hello? Xavier? Mortimer? Toynbee? Toad? Tolensky? TODD!!!"
Rather abruptly, we switch back to the resteraunt. The Pirates are still peering through the booth divider. "The end!" Magneto cries, then shuts the window.
"Waitaminute bubs... it's over?" Logan asks.
"Yup!"
"That's how it ends?!"
"Yup!"
"But what did Pietro learn?" Jamie asks.
Pyro reopens the screen. "The question, my friends, is not 'what did Pietro learn'. The question is what did YOU learn? ...hey, are those candles?"
Jamie ignores him and thinks about it for a second. "Well... I learned that we need to help people who need help... and we need to give second chances. Even if they don't deserve them. But what's that got to do with us?"
Magneto turns and looks at Logan. "Hey... tomato..."
"Eh?" Logan asks, a little confused. "What tomato? Where?"
"You, you idiot!" Storm calls from offscreen.
"Can I finish my part now please?"
Author: Please do.
"Your friend there... the big asparagus. If I'm not mistaken, he didn't do such a good job helping you with the map."
"Oh, it was a disaster!" Logan exclaims. "He said that he was sorry and that he'd do better next time, but no way bub! ...Mercy. I guess everyone deserves a second chance."
Hank grins.
"Yup!" Magneto agrees. "Now get outta here before my crab legs get cold!" They shut the window again. The veggies smile, then Hank snaps out of the "feel good" moment.
"You know, that still wasn't a very good way to end a story!"
"Well, whadaya want?" Magneto snaps from the other side of the barrier. "A big musical number?!"
Everyone looks at each other and nods. "Well, yeah!"
Magneto turns to Remy. "Who do they think I am... Twippo?"
"Oh, no, not him again!" Pyro and Remy mutter in unison.
"Yes?"
The veggies look up and into the lobby, where Pietro is standing, in a kind of Elvis outfit.
"Twippo!"
Pietro grins, a little apprehensively. "Hey! I thought my part was over!"
Author: I never said anything, did I?
"I hate you."
Author: Funny how many times I've heard that since I started doing parodies.
The veggies run up to him, Logan in front. "What are you doin' here?" Bob asks.
"Well, I've got a concert tonight," Pietro explains, "but I'm running late! Can't find route 59 to save my life! So I stopped here for directions!"
"Good luck wit' dat!" Remy yells from the Pirates' booth.
"Y' shut up!" Julien yells from... wherever he is...
Author: Oh Lord. Someone restrain them.
"We're going to your concert tonight!" Jamie cries, hoping to avoid an argument. "At least... we were..."
"And then- Mystique! As a porcupine!" Logan yells.
"And underwear!" Hank adds.
"And pirates!" Jubes agrees.
"And now it looks like we aren't going to make it at all," Logan finishes.
"Good heavens!" Pietro exclaims. "Well, if it's a ride you need, I've got plenty of room in my bus... you can all come with me!"
"Since when is Pietro this generous?" Storm asks, cocking her head.
Author: Since he got picked to be the provider of the Happy Ending (tm).
"Ah."
Everyone perks up and starts celebrating- 'cept for Amara that is. "Yeah, everyone but me..."
Jamie notices and thinks about it for a second. "Ms. Author-lady? Do I really have to do this?"
Author: Be nice to the Nova Roman Princess, 'k squirt? Besides, she can fry us all if you don't. Now here comes the Touching Part (also tm).
"Ok," Jamie says and smiles. He offers Amara his ticket. "Not like I really wanted to see Pietro sing anyway... Um, Amara, you can have my ticket."
Amara blinks, quite surprised (even though she has a copy of the script). "But Jamie, it was my fault."
Jamie smiles at her and offers her the ticket again. Amara smiles slowly and takes it.
Pietro seems impressed. "Why, that was a very compassionate thing to do!" He thinks for a second. "Tell you what... I'll give you all a ride to the concert and I'll make sure you ALL have backstage passes!"
Everyone cheers and celebrates. Once again, happy happy!
"Speaking of mercy," Pietro continues, "have any of you heard the story of a man named... Pietro?"
The veggies blink, then, in a chorused monotone, "Yes."
Pietro blinks. "Well... uh, would you like to hear a song about it then?"
"Is it like the bald bunny song?" Bobby interjects.
"Not really... it's more of a big musical number."
"Perfect!" Hank cries.
It changes to Pietro on a stage, holding a guitar. He strums it as he sings.
"When I was a boy I went to church back home in Arizona-"
"I thought I was Jewish!"
Author: Your part's almost over. Please, just sing the stupid song so we can go on with our lives!
"Fine, fine."
"And that was where I heard the tale of a man who's name was Pietro
Now Pietro was a prophet, but that's not why he's remembered
We tell the tale, 'cause in a whale, he nearly was dismemembered!"
Swing music starts and the curtain on the stage goes up. 2-D waves, dolphins, and clouds are the background. Pietro's still standing in front, but his guitar's gone, and he's swaying to the music. The Pirates come in, riding on little seahorse seats that rock up and down to the beat.
"I t'ink 'm gonna be sick..." Remy mumbles.
Author: Can't really tell; you're already green. Just sing.
"Pietro was a prophet!" the Pirates chorus.
"Ooh, ooh!" Pietro adds.
"But he really never got it!"
"Sad but true!"
"If you've been watching you can spot it!"
"Doodly-doo!"
"He did not get the point!"
Pietro hops up front again and starts sliding sideways across the stage to the rhythm. A spotlight that keeps changing colors (thanks to Julien and Jean-Luc) follows him.
"Compassion and mercy
From me to you and you to me
Exactly what God wants to see
And yes, that is the point!"
Now the Pirates pop out of a giant clamshell for their part.
"Pietro was a prophet!"
"Ooh, ooh!"
"But he really never got it!"
"Sad but true!"
"If you've been watching you can spot it!"
"Doodly-doo!"
"He did not get the point!"
A 2-d ship "sails" up and storm clouds come in. Pietro, now being Jonah again, jumps up on the ship cutout.
"Now Pietro set sail
On a pirate ship in a dreadful gale!"
Pietro hops off the ship and into the mouth of a big cutout whale. The Pirates take it.
"Got eaten up by a giant whale
But managed not to be dead!"
Pietro pops out of the whale, to prove he's still alive. He grins. The Pirates continue.
"You'd think he would learn a lot
From being saved from an awful spot
But the second chance that he had got
He didn't want to be spread!"
"That last line made no sense," Pietro comments, riding across the stage in the whale.
Author: It was probably late and it's hard to come up with song lyrics on short notice. Believe me, I know.
The scene changes from sea to land and the whale dumps out Pietro, leaving him sitting under a weed cutout. The Pirates hop toward him, still singing.
"So poor old Pietro
Now he's all alone-a!"
They get up to Pietro and a megaphone lowers in front of them.
"Gotta use a megaphone-a
To get it through to his head!
HEY!"
The stuff in the back gets blown away by the shout and Pietro hops out from behind the curtains. The Pirates start.
"Pietro was a prophet!"
"Ooh, ooh!"
"But he really never got it!"
"Sad, but true!"
"If you've been watching you can spot it!"
"Doodly-doo!"
"He did not get the point!"
They repeat this, and then Pietro disappears, to be lowered from the ceiling to say the next part. "Now, true in your life you probably don't ride on a camel-" Pyro comes swinging by on a cutout camel- "And you probably won't wake up inside a large aquatic mammal-" Remy comes swinging by on a cutout whale.
"I'm gonna throw up!"
Pietro ignores him. "But all the same, like Pietro, there is something you can do. Everyone deserves to get a second chance from you!"
There's a big horn fanfare as the lights behind them flash, and then the Pirates come out singing with Pietro.
"Compassion and mercy
From me to you and you to me
Exactly what God wants to see
And yes that is the point!"
They hop closer to the audience, getting softer and softer with each line.
"Pietro was a prophet!"
"Ooh, ooh!"
"But he really never got it!"
"Sad, but true!"
"Pietro was a prophet!"
"Ooh, ooh!"
"But he really never got it!"
"Sad but true!"
Then they yell.
"PIETRO WAS A PROPHET!"
There's a big finish, and then someone interrupts from offscreen.
"I beg your pardon, yo," says a voice, "I hate to break up the party, but who need a tow?" Yep, it's Todd again. He's in a little worker jacket that says "Todd" on it.
Everyone stares at him.
"What's up with the reusing of the characters?" Jamie asks, cocking his head.
Author: I don't have a neat little acronym for this one. It's a sight gag that makes the whole movie seem like some surreal dream.
"If I pretend I understand that can we finish up?" Jamie asks.
Author: Yep. Pietro?
"Ah..." Pietro stammers, hopping closer. "Have we met?"
Todd grins and raises his eyebrows at the camera.
Author: And that's a wrap folks!
Everyone starts to hop off to parts unknown, but Storm stops the Pirates. "You guys get to do the ending song!"
"Oh, merde!"
Author: NO SWEARING!
A second later, Remy gets pushed out on the stage.
"Dis is de song dat runs under de credits
Dese are de credits, so dis is where it goes
Has nuttin' t' do wit' de movie so we'll say
Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!"
Magneto comes out and joins him, looking just as thrilled.
"There once was a song that ran under the credits
It went with the movie but this is not that song
Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say
Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!"
Pyro joins them, playing with his lighter. "Remy jus' curious. What happened t' de ridiculous overplayin' o' his accent?"
Author: Magneto doesn't have an accent, duh! Unless you count old-guy, but there's no way to codify that.
"Wouldn't it be nice if the song under the credits
Had something to do with the movie you just saw
But that's not the case so for now we'll have to say
Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!
There should be a rule that the song under the credits
Remotely pretains to the movie's basic plot
That rule has not been made so for now we'll have to say
Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!"
"Come on!" Remy shouts.
"Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
Hey hey hey hey hey hey-
hey hey hey!
Lalalala ping!"
"I'm a little winded," Magneto says, dropping out of the song.
"Ok!" Remy cries. "I'm gonna go home and take a nap!"
"Come on, we have contractual obligations to finish the song!" Magneto objects.
"They paid for a full 7 chapters of entertainment pal, get back here!" Pyro yells.
"Wake me up for the prequel!" Remy shouts.
"Hey- wait, this is a standalone, how can there BE a prequel?"
"We're the X-men. There's always a prequel."
"Oh, right."
"Oh, come on!" Magneto yells. "We were just startin' to have fun! Heh heh heh heh hey... aww man... I need a tums..." He walks off the stage with Remy, leaving behind a very confused Pyro.
"What? What, are we done? You mean that's it? Zip ba ba do bop ba long bang bing! Hey hey ho ho ho hey hey ho ho ho hey... if you want me I'll be on the porch."
Author: Idiots. Now that's it. The end! If you want info on my other parodies, read on. If not, review ya moochers! Why are you stil reading this! Go away! ...well, review first.
(That is the end. I'm gonna do some more parodies though. These stupid things are really addicting. All right, the next one I wanna do will be called: The Cajun and the Artist. No, it's not Romy (sadly) it's Kiotr. It'll be slower, since I have yet to find a script for it. It'll be out sooner or later... the end! REVIEW!)