THE FIRST DECEMBERWEEN EVER
FIRST DRAFT
BASED UPON THE LEGEND OF THE ORIGIN OF DECEMBERWEEN
RETOLD BY STRONG BAD
12/21/02
(fade in)
ACT I
EXT. STREET—DAY
Gerty, a young girl with earmuffs and...Acid-washed jeans...is walking along.
GERTY
I can't wait to celebrate Decemberween, the annual celebration of December!
She looks over and sees a guy with...a spinach knish is some Tupperware? Maybe?
GERTY
Hey! Can you wait till Decemberween?
GUY
No such thing, man.
GERTY
Oh, no! I must tell Dr. Christmas!
INT. DR. CHRISTMAS'S OFFICE—SUNDOWN
Gerty runs into the office of Dr. Christmas, who's a guy...who...is a doctor...but only on...Christmas? By appointment only.
GERTY
Dr. Christmas! I've got bad news!
DR. CHRISTMAS
Is a guy named Jethro asking for his donkey back?
GERTY
Um...no.
DR. CHRISTMAS
Oh. Good. Then what is it?
GERTY
There isn't such thing as Decemberween! It's missing!
DR. CHRISTMAS
Oh, no! There's only one man who can help me now!
The house of Archibald Fisherprice, a super-cool guy that's like...a fisher-type guy. He is eating a corn-on-the-cob.
ARCHIBALD
This is some pretty good corn-of-the-cob!
Dr. Christmas runs in.
DR. CHRISTMAS
Archibald, we've got to find the first Decemberween!
ARCHIBALD
I'll search down by the docks.
DR. CHRISTMAS
Good thinking! I'll come with you!
Dr. Christmas and Archibald walk away.
EXT. THE DOCKS—NIGHT
Archibald and Dr. Christmas are there. They look around for the first Decemberween. They don't see it.
ARCHIBALD
Well, I don't see anything. Any luck, doc?
DR. CHRISTMAS
Well, I thought I saw Donald Duck a few minutes ago, but no Decemberweens.
ARCHIBALD
I guess we'll have to sail out on my trusty fishing boat, the U.S.S. Trimball.
Archibald gets into his boat, the U.S.S. Trimball and prepares to set sail. Dr. Christmas does not.
ARCHIBALD
You comin'?
DR. CHRISTMAS
Nah, I'm afraid o' water.
ARCHIBALD
Wimp.
Archibald sets sail.
EXT. SQUID LAKE—NIGHT
ARCHIBALD
Maybe I'll find the first Decemberween out here in Squid Lake.
A squid comes up.
ARCHIBALD
How unfortunate! Oh, what a terrible fate has bestowed to me! There's a squid.
But Archibald, being an experienced...um...squid...wrangler?...picks up his oar and pushes away the squid.
ARCHIBALD
Well, I didn't find the first Decemberween, but I still by 50 experience points for defeating that squid!
Cut to:
EXT. KING'S CASTLE—NIGHT
Dr. Christmas and Archibald walk up to the castle of the King of Town, who, for some reason, is the King of the town. No one's quite sure how he got to be King, but he lives in a castle, has a crown, and has the Popular Vote on his side. Literally.
DR. CHRISTMAS
If we want to find the first Decemberween, we need funding from the King. You comin'?
ARCHIBALD
No way, man. That guy creeps me out. And I'm allergic to double-digit IQ's.
DR. CHRISTMAS
You're not gonna help me? I'm gonna remember this!
Dr. Christmas comes in to the castle of the King of Town, ready to ask the King for funding for the expedition to find the first Decemberween. The KOT is played by—what do you mean the King of Town should play the King of Town, The Cheat? Preposterous! I'll get...well, I guess I'll get Homestar to do it. And stop coming over to my computer.
THE KING OF TOWN
Good Non-Decemberween to you, Dr. Christmas!
DR. CHRISTMAS
Bad news, King.
THE KOT
Oh-ho-ho? Do tell!
DR. CHRISTMAS
We need to find the first Decemberween before midnight tonight!
THE KOT
What do you require for this mission oh-so-brave?
DR. CHRISTMAS
We need fifty bags of gold!
THE KOT
I just can't do it, Dr. Christmas. Famine has ruined all the town's gold. Let us away, Popular Vote!
The KOT begins to float away. The Popular Vote follows. Now, he'll be played by...wait, I know! Hey, The Cheat, I'll let you play the Popular Vote if you bring me a bagel!
Hey, it worked! Okay, little guy, you're in the show!
End of Act I.