AN: So sorry for my absence, I had to go to college, graduate college, have several nervous breakdowns and endure a global pandemic. Rest assured, I do plan on finishing this, we've about 5 chapters to go and I've a good chunk of the rest of the story finished, so hopefully I can get that out in the next few months. As always, thank you for reading, and I adore your feedback.

Important notes for this chapter: I made some heavy revisions to chapter 14, you might want to go back and reread it as it will have some changes on the story going forward. Also, Trigger Warning for suicidal ideation in this chapter (not a ton, just a little bit of suicidal ideation), and medicinal drug use.

Chapter 15: Zuko

Six weeks ago:

Zuko drifted back into hazy wakefulness. He was in that place again. The one with wooden walls and two small windows that always had the blinds shut and a bed so stiff it felt like it was made of stone. To the left of him was a small table with an oil lamp, the kind they only used outside of the Fire Nation. And beyond that there was a slightly cracked door. He was alone in the room but there was a small wooden tray with several covered bowls and a note on it that had been left on the table. There was steam coming from the bowls indicating that someone must have been here recently.

He began to lift out of bed, but paused, a sharp pain reminding him of his injuries. His right arm had been bandaged to his body from his elbow to his shoulder and when he tried to move his arm the movement against the bandages felt like his skin was being scraped across nails. The bandages progressed up his neck and covered most of his face, leaving only his nose, mouth, and left eye open to the world. He looked down at his hand, which was not bandaged, but it was covered in old heat blisters and scabs that wrapped around his palm and up his forearm. He must have been here for a while if his injuries were already healing. Then again, he was surprised he was healing at all. The last thing he could remember clearly was his father's burning fist coming down on his face.

Using his unbound hand, he reached for the note and read the messy message which looked like it was scrawled by a child.

Yuki made bullpig and cabbage soup. I found some chili paste at the market so you can make it spicier if you want. Also, don't forget to drink your healing tea.

- Li Han

Healing tea? It sounded like something his uncle would try to give him. He pulled the tray onto his lap and opened the biggest bowl. He was hit with a wave of wafting steam and the smell of roasted bull pig. Just as the note said, there was a small bowl full of red chili that was so strong it made Zuko's one exposed eye water just from the smell. There was also a bowl of steaming buns and one filled with sliced mango.

Zuko couldn't remember when he had eaten last but he was already salivating at the sight of food. He paused to confront the possibility that he wasn't sure where he was and the food could very well be poisoned, but he quickly decided that if these people wanted him dead he would be already. Brushing off that fear he began inhaling his food. Foregoing utensils, he ate as quickly as his injured body could manage. He had to slow down when he came to the soup, he had tried lifting the bowl to his mouth, but without the mobility of both his hands he couldn't manage and was forced to use the spoon.

"Oh good, you're awake." The sound of the small voice caused him to jump, splashing the soup on his lap. The voice who had startled him belonged to a small girl of maybe twelve, dressed in a pale green dress and apron, holding a basket of white cloth. He remembered her face, but couldn't think of who she was.

"Last time I changed your bandages you were out like a rock, this will make changing them much easier." She said, putting her basket on the edge of his bed. She then took the tray from his lap and placed it back on the side table.

"Wow you really went to town on your food, looks like you're finally getting your appetite back." She pulled up a stool next to him.

"Who are you? Where am I?" Zuko croaked, surprised at how weak his voice was.

"You don't remember? Papa said it might take awhile before you get a grip on things." Zuko shook his head, despite the sense of deja vu, he couldn't remember anything.

"My name is Nori. You're in Yu Dao, you've been here almost two weeks." His injuries must be worse than he thought if he had been nearly unconscious for that long. He didn't know how he could have gotten out of the palace, let alone to the Earth Kingdom Unless…

"Is Katara here?" He asked. He had told her to leave, but she was stubborn, and knowing her, she had found some excuse to disobey him.

"I don't know a Katara." The girl said in a frail tone. His heart sank.

"Oh…" The girl looked sorry for him.

"Never mind, how did I get here?"

"I don't know, my papa came home one night with you. He won't tell me who you are, he says that people will hurt you if they know you're here." Well whoever these people were, they were protecting him. The girl began unwrapping his shoulder, dropping the soiled cloth on the floor.

"Your father is right." Zuko said, trying to distract himself from the raw carnage that was being unveiled to him.

"You didn't drink your tea." She said, all but ignoring his last statement. Zuko grabbed the cup with his free hand and brought it to his face, inspecting it with a deep inhale. It didn't smell so terrible. He took a sip, and immediately gagged.

"Yuck! What is this?" He exclaimed, trying to rid the bitter taste from his mouth.

"It's a healing tea, I got it from the best medic in town. It will speed up your healing and help you get your strength back." Zuko scowled and looked at the little cup with disdain before giving up and gulping it down in one swift motion. He winced as the taste lingered in his mouth.

Suddenly, he felt a stinging on his arm. He looked over and saw Nori slathering a thick, white paste on his arm. He furrowed his brows in anger, but the stinging from the paste dissipated and was replaced with the soothing sensation of ice.

"The burns on your face are a lot more extreme, so this might hurt a little more." She told him, as she began to unwrap his head wrap. Just how extreme were they? Zuko wondered, his arm didn't exactly look like something he would call a mild injury. The stale air made contact with his unbandaged wounds and suddenly Zuko felt like he was burning all over again.

"How bad is it?" he finally asked once the shock of the pain wore down.

"It will heal, we'll have to wait and see if your eye recovers. But the scars shouldn't be too burdensome once they heal."

"I want to see it." He really didn't. If he saw it, it would be real, and he'd much rather go along pretending his father hadn't destroyed his face. But his curiosity was holding the reins for the moment.

"Papa says you should wait until it's healed. It will look much better once the scabs are gone." Zuko remembered slightly, the first time he woke up, insisting to be given a mirror, and being denied. The fact that someone thought his wounds were so bad that he shouldn't even be allowed to see himself made Zuko feel all the worse about his outlook.

Nori finished bandaging him and left him alone again. He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. He didn't want to think about anything. Not about the fact that he had renounced his claim to the throne. Or the fact that his father had nearly murdered him. Or Katara. He especially didn't want to think about Katara. He had promised her he wouldn't go to his father, and he broke that promise. Did she know? Had she left like she said she would? Or had she broken her promise as well and gone after him? Chances were, she didn't set sail. She was stubborn like that, never leaving people behind. Which meant she was probably sitting in a Fire Nation prison right now, for the crime of association. But he hoped that by some miracle she had gotten away. That she and Iroh were at the North Pole right now, somewhere they would be safe from his father, if such a place even existed, it was the Northern Water Tribe.

But he had a feeling there would be plenty of time to worry about Katara and his father later. So for the moment, he let himself slip back into a comatose sleep.

Four weeks ago:

"Well? Do you see anything?" Nori asked. Li Han swatted at the girl. They were both perched at the edge of Zuko's bed.

"Don't pester him, give him time." Zuko was holding his hand over his good eye. The burns around his eye had finally healed enough that his caretakers had decided he could take off the eye patch, but the question of sight remained. He strained his eye, a bluish blur of light poured in, as if he was looking through tears. He blinked once, then twice, trying to clear any obstruction from his eye, but the image remained the same.

"It's just nothing." Zuko sighed, letting his left hand fall and opening his good eye.

"It's okay. We'll try again tomorrow, you're still healing." Li Han got up from the bed.

"Nori, why don't you go make our friend some more tea?" Nori nodded to her father and hopped off the bed, skirting out of the room.

"Don't be discouraged, there is still a lot of scarring around your eye. Your sight could return any day." Li Han said. He took fresh bandaging out of his apron and re-secured it over Zuko's burned eye.

"It's okay, it's better, I expect the worse." Zuko knew his sight wouldn't return. Not on its own. And he was about as far away from any known healers as he could be.

"The rest of your burns are healing nicely though. No infections, and you have done a wonderful job maintaining mobility in your hand." Li Han said, smiling softly, opening and closing his own palm, mimicking the exercise he had been having Zuko do day in and day out.

"Have you heard anything yet? About Katara?" Zuko asked.

"News doesn't spread quickly here, I suppose that's why you're here." Li Han sat up and began collecting the soiled bandages from Zuko's bedside table.

"Has the Order tried to contact them?" Zuko wasn't sure why he asked. He asked Li Han every day, and every day received the same answer.

"It's still too early. We can't risk an interception while the Fire Nation is on such high alert." Li Han replied as Zuko expected.

"I know, but if you hear anything." He needed to know she was okay.

"Of course Zuko, you will be the first to know. Do you need me to help you to the wet room before I head back to the shop?" Li Han offered. Zuko shook his head.

"No, I can manage on my own." He needed to get back on his feet. Even if that meant going back and forth from the bed to the small bathroom once a day, it was all he could do for the time being.

"Very well, Nori should be back up with more tea shortly." The man exited the room, leaving the door cracked slightly.

Zuko used his good arm to push himself to an upright position, grimacing as his midsection spasmed from the pain. He swung his feet over the edge of the bed and reached for the cane that Yuki had placed by the bedside. Yuki seldom came up to the attic where Zuko stayed, letting her husband and daughter do most of his tending too. She seemed to only come when Zuko was sleeping, to leave food or other sorts of various things he might need, like a cane.

Zuko grimaced as he stood, shifting all his weight to his left side and onto the cane. His legs hadn't been reached by the fire, even so, three weeks of bed rest had made them weak and shaky. He breathed heavily as he limped across the room, wincing with every step until he reached the door to the washroom. It was damp and smelled of mildew, among other things that made Zuko's eyes water. Even so, it was better than a bedpan.

His body betrayed him at every move. He was supposed to be strong, but he wasn't. As he pulled his clothes off and then back on again every contortion of his muscles shot pain throughout his body, every stretch or extension caused his scarred skin to crack and burn. And the pain made him shake and unsteady, even his good arm had trouble gripping the drawstring of his pants.

The mirror that rested over the sink mocked him. Most of his bandages had been removed, the blisters had begun to turn to scars, cementing their permanence on his body. He was thankful for the eye covering on his right eye, he didn't like to look at the grotesqueness of it. The rest of the damage radiated out from that point, encapsulating the right side of his head, his ear had been all but destroyed, he was starting to get used to being off balance and the one sided hearing. The burns on his shoulder were less extreme, still, he could hardly move his arm without breaking open the wounds again. His image stared back at him, a terrifying husk of who he once was. The scarring wasn't the worst part though. Someone, whoever had rescued him had hacked off his hair in a haphazard manner. What was left of it had been shaved when he arrived in Yu Dao, if it hadn't already been burned off. Some of it had begun growing back, but Zuko didn't think it would come back all the way. His skin was dry and sallow and his musculature had already begun to shrink and disappear. He was like a walking corpse. Li Han kept telling him that he was getting better, healing, getting stronger. But Zuko could tell otherwise, his body couldn't keep up with the demands of his injury, he was decaying, it was only a matter of time before his body gave out completely.

Zuko hastily averted his eye from the mirror. Between the dampness of the floor and the weakness of his body his balance forsook him and he went crashing onto the cold floor.

"Shit." He tried to push himself up with his hands, pain shot up through his palm to his shoulder. He cried out. He couldn't even remember his injuries long enough to avoid reopening them. Salty tears began to form in his good eye as the pain radiated through his body. He was imobile, worthless, unable to even pull himself off the filth ridden floor. He gave into the pain, into the tears, as the salt water burned into the raw abrasions on his skin. He was destroyed.

Three weeks ago

Zuko floated in the cool. It surrounded him and shut out all the burning. Warm arms wrapped around him, supporting him up. Her golden skin and radiant smile shone down on him. It was her. She held up a spoon to his lips and he drank in deeply. The soup was dancing in his mouth, it tasted of pure pleasure. He was so glad to be here with her. He didn't know how she had gotten here. His mind was an empty abyss, there was no before, no after, just now, here with her caring for him, loving him.

"I think you're giving him too much Yuki." a voice said. Zuko didn't know who or where this Yuki was, but whatever he was giving him, it was not too much. He wanted to soak up as much of it as possible.

"He needs the green poppies to heal. After last time I don't want to take any more risks with him." Yuki said.

"He's been out of his mind for a week. And his wounds have all but healed, I think it's time to wean him off."

No. Zuko thought. He needed to stay the way he was, floating with her.

People shuffled throughout the room but Zuko barely noticed. He was so glad to be feeling better. He couldn't remember being in pain before, or why, maybe it had never been real. All the pain, physical or otherwise felt distant, like a far off dream. Now, the serene peace he felt, was all he knew, all he ever wanted to know.

As night fell, the sensation slowly faded. Slight at first, just enough for him to remember who and where he was. As the ecstasy faded it was replaced by new sensations: emptiness, pain. He felt like he was freezing and also on fire. His muscles ached like after a day of doing one to many fire-burpees and a tunneling pit in his core throbbed and convulsed inside him. He held his arms tightly around his knees, clutching his limbs to his chest, trying to prevent them from falling off as he shook violently.

Zuko cried out. He felt as though he had been speared by a tree branch. Pain spread out across his gut then toppled over itself, again and again and again.

The door to his room flung open violently and Li Han rushed to his side.

"Yuki," Li Han called. "Yuki come quick." Li Han reached his hand out onto Zuko's sweat slick forehead. Yuki ran into the room and accompanied her husband at Zuko's side.

"It hurts." Zuko cried, "every-thing hurts." His eyes squeezed tight, as if that might relieve his pain.

"He needs another dose, I'll go-" Yuki started but Li Han grasped her arm firmly.

"No, we can't give him any more, or he'll never recover fully."

"No please." Zuko said, through tears. "Please, I need more. You- have to -make it-stop."

"It's time son, we have to get you through this. Yuki, bring him some water." Yuki nodded and rushed out of the room.

"It's too much, I can't-" Zuko screamed into the bedsheets.

"Yes you can Zuko, don't forget who you are, you are strong enough for this." The older man stroked Zuko's back, it soothed nothing.

Minutes passed like hours. Time was his biggest antagonizer. The pain consumed him. He couldn't think of anything other than forcing air in and out of his lungs. For a whole day he thought of nothing but the all consuming ache of his body and breathing in and out.

He didn't eat. When offered, the thought of food brought up a terrible nausea. He would spend hours on the brink of being sick, but it never came.

Nori had stopped bringing him his meals, instead, Li Han brought them. He suspected that they had barred their daughter from seeing him in this state.

The pain did lessen, eventually, and Zuko realized that Li Han had been right. His injuries, the real ones, were all but gone.

Li Han knocked on Zuko's door. Zuko thought it had been three days since the withdrawal, maybe four, time was so muddled now.

"Come in." Li Han opened the door, the scent of freshly steamed buns and spicy komodo chicken stew filled the room.

"That smells good." Zuko commented. Li Han placed the tray across the bed.

"Glad to hear it. You must be feeling better then." Zuko nodded.

"I guess so. Everything still feels a little worse than I remember."

"It will get better over time. You should start your exercises again, they'll help with recovery."

"Okay, I will." Zuko stared down at his food then looked at Li Han.

"Thank you. I still don't understand how or why I am here. But without your family I don't know what- I am so grateful."

Li Han smiled and stood. "It has been my family's honor to serve the white lotus." Then he left.

Two weeks ago

There was an Air Nomad in Yu Dao. Yuki had sung of his arrival. She saw him when she was at the market, everyone saw him at the market. It was hard to be inconspicuous as an Air Nomad. Especially the ones who traveled by sky bison and made no attempt to disguise their traditional dress.

It was very exciting to see, and it put Yuki in high spirits. High enough that she didn't care to wait until Zuko was asleep to come visit his room. Or perhaps he had just made it harder for her to do so by sleeping less often. In any case, she danced into Zuok's room with an unusual chipper.

Zuko was not only awake, but out of bed. He had been feeling… better. Sort of. He had at least been telling himself that he had been. More accurately he had been attempting relentlessly to distract himself. Of course there was nothing to read, or anyone to talk to, or anywhere to go, which left him with very few options. And he couldn't firebend, at least it was unwise in the small wooden house where he was supposed to be keeping his identity secret. But at least he could pretend. Practice technique and wear himself down with calisthenics. He wasn't good, but he was getting better, the walking and the moving at least had become more natural. In any case, he didn't have much of a choice, if he didn't do something his self pity and hatred and pain would consume him, drag him down so deep that he would likely take a flame and finish the job his father had started. So instead he trained.

When Yuki walked in he snapped out of his opponent-less battle, attempting to mask his activity. He didn't know if Yuki knew what or who he was, but if she did know, she didn't acknowledge it. Instead she went about clearing his tray and changing the linens, all the while her story about the Air Nomad spilled out of her. He responded politely to her story. He was not much of a conversationalist these days. Eventually, Yuki flitted out of the room as quickly as she had entered and Zuko flopped down on his bed.

An Air Nomad. In Yu Dao. He cursed himself for feeling excited about it, hopeful even. He knew hope was just an avenue for further disappointment.

Still, hope came. He wondered if the Air Nomad was still in here. If he was, could Zuko find him? If he did, what would he do? Ask for a ride to the Northern Water Tribe? That was quite an ask for a stranger, even for an Air Nomad. And what if the Air Nomad recognised him? Though Zuko had to admit that was quite unlikely. As questions circulated inside him, his confidence grew. He had to do something, anything, was better than continuing to waste away in this attic. So he made his way to the door and hobbled down the stairs.

"Zu-my friend, what are you doing down here?" Li Han asked. He sat on the kitchen floor with his wife and daughter, they were peeling root vegetables. The kitchen was small and damp, Zuko could spot traces of wood rot and scampering insects. It had never dawned on him that his small attic room may have been the nicest part of the house. He had never bothered to venture out of it.

"The Air Nomad, is he still here?" His voice was harsh and hurried.

"Sorry, we saw his bison flying away just a few minutes ago." Li Han said, gesturing out the window.

"Damnit." Zuko cursed. Of course he had missed him. That's how things went for Zuko: poorly and riddled with bad luck.

Li Han stood up from his peeling spot and walked over to Zuko.

"Here, let me help you back to your bed." He grabbed Zuko by the shoulder and led him back up the stairs.

"I can't believe I missed him. That was my one chance."

"You can't leave Zuko, the Order gave me explicit instructions to keep you here and safe until further notice."

"How do you know that airbender wasn't further notice? Maybe he came here for me."

"He didn't. He was just a traveler passing through."

"But-"

"I was able to pass a message on to him though. Coded, and it may never arrive to its intended target." Li Han conceded. Zuko's spirits leapt. Maybe someone would come soon.

AN: And the mantra for this chapter is "it's not on the wrong side!" (yes, if you missed it, Zuko's scar is very much on the wrong side) As always, thanks for reading.