Adama's Journals –

The morning after the sealing, those of us that remained on the Rising Star gathered for a late breakfast before departing for the Galactica. While I suspected most of Rene's family were subdued due to an over abundance of food and alcohol the night before, a few seemed diminished because of the absence of the Bride and Groom. It had become apparent over the last few sectars that it was Rene that held the family together and Starbuck that pointed them in the right direction. Without the couple, the rest looked to Crius for direction. He was not up to the task as he grumbled, "Borays boxed in my brain. Don't bother me."

As the family went about gathering up their children and their belongings, including the various musical instruments, it became apparent that my new Colonel was more subdued than the others. I was aware that in the past he had been accustomed to helping out the family in any way he could to keep them safe from the brutal abuses of Dante's command structure, but since coming to the Galactica, his position had seemed unnecessary. It was not that the family pushed him aside as I had observed they did with others from the Zakar who may have been complicit in Dante's dealing, but rather his position was usurped by Starbuck. Gage tried to step forward now in the absence of the couple, and while the family spoke to him and accepted his help, it seemed as if it was more in compassion for the man rather than in need of assistance. Jake spared few words for him, turning down his help despite struggling with his own children who were anxious without their mother. Some rift had occurred between the two at the sealing, and it left Gage out in the cold.

I took the opportunity to bring my new Colonel into my confidence. Once we landed on the Galactica and the family had dispersed to see to their children and finish out their last day of leave before returning to duties the next cycle, I invited the Colonel to join me that evening for a meal in my quarters. I can only assume he thought others would be attending for when he arrived at my door he looked around my office in surprise.

"I thought we could dine alone and get to know each other better," I said. He was too polite to turn down the offer, though at first much like the Copper Squadron, he seemed uncomfortable to be in the room alone with me. I wondered if I had made a mistake having us dine in my office seated on the sofa with the meal on the low table, a game of chess laid out. Dante's office had been the setting of much of the worst brutality suffered at his hands, but I had hoped I had erased those associations with my own office. It seemed I was wrong, but once seated and drink in his hand, Gage set aside his trepidation.

Perhaps it was that I recounted for him my story of the destruction including my regrets at my inaction. It was a tale I had not shared beyond a few moments of doubt with my own daughter. If I had launched my vipers sooner, the battle may have been won, or at the least my youngest son may have made it to the fleet. I told him of my foolhardy visit to Caprica in the vain hopes that after losing my son right before my eyes, that perhaps my wife may have survived. I detailed for him the utter devastation of our home world, any hope of finding my wife alive extinguished the moment we flew over Caprica City, and yet I still insisted that we land. Apollo was uncomfortable with that decision, and even in his own guilt and grief offered up to me the hope that maybe his mother had been elsewhere when the attack occurred.

"They had died quickly if that is any consolation." I offered up what I could to Gage in our shared grief for our wives and children.

"It's why I allowed Rene to go back to Caprica. I had held onto the irrational hope that maybe my family had survived," he offered in admission of his covert trips back to their home. "The Shiva never went back to the Twelve Worlds once news reached us of the attack. We headed to the nearest outpost, gathered the military personnel and whoever else was willing to abandon the colony, and we set course for the next outpost from there. I think Commander Enten had plans to gather a military force and return to the Twelve Worlds. We had the Sabre and a few civilian vessels when we found the Zakar."

Gage abruptly stopped speaking as he remembered back to their first encounter with Dante and the rapidly escalating power struggle that ended abruptly in bloodshed. I had not wanted our dinner to be a rehashing of Gage's self imposed sins of failure, but rather as an attempt to assuage his guilt.

"We can only do what we can to survive," I offered. "I had my own struggles once we found Carillon. The members of the Council of Twelve had planned to resettle our population on the Ovion world despite my misgivings. They had thought once again to make peace with the Cylons, to destroy our arms and live under Cylon rule. I should have been firm and refused to allow our civilians down to the planet, but I too was struggling with my grief. I could have saved thousands of lives. I knew it was a foolish dream to hope for a truce with the cylons, but I couldn't find it in me to dictate the futures of our civilians."

My own admission had Gage sitting back, a look of shock upon his features, letting me know that he was unaware of the battles at Carillon. I should not have been surprised myself. My own people never speak of the Ovions, perhaps struggling with their own guilt that we all had been duped into a false sense of security that could have been our final doom. If not for Colonel Tigh and his continued support, I too may have been powerless to prevent the enslavement of our people.

I was reminded once again that Gage had merely been a Strike Wing Captain when the Shiva encountered the Zakar. He had little voice in the decisions of his Commander at the time. It was perhaps with evil intent that Dante chose to promote Gage, bringing him into the upper command structure in an effort to circumvent any uprising Gage may have fostered. But the rise in rank had given the man more resources to help those around him avoid abuse and perhaps even rein in worse punishments.

"We do what we can and rely on the support of those around us. It is difficult to stand alone against so many, but right is on our side." I put words to my thoughts in an effort to remind my new Colonel of the good he was able to do while on the Zakar and Dilmun. "He offered you nearly every thing you could have wanted. You resisted when weaker men many have given in."

"What he offered wasn't his to give." There was venom in Gage's words as he showed me once again the strength he held inside. "I never wanted anyone who was unwilling and he couldn't give me what I truly wanted."

I was tempted to ask what it might be he truly desired, but I suspected it was the same that I longed for, a return to a time in the past when our homes and families were safely awaiting us back at the Colonies. It is a reward we will not find in this lifetime.

"Yes, I understand," I offered instead and the mood became heavy with remorse. It was not how I wanted the evening to end. I thought back to the celebration the night before and pulled from those memories of happiness. "But still we move forward and try to forge something new to keep us going. You are an important part of my crew, Colonel. You are part of the Galactica family now."

I raised my glass to him, but his lips grew tight at my words and he did not raise his own glass. He contemplated the contents before baring his soul.

"I'm struggling to find my place. I fear I never will."

"I understand that as well. I thought of resigning after the destruction."

The words had the desired effect as Gage raised his gaze to meet mine. "Why didn't you, sir?"

"Apparently I was still needed. While I felt there was little I had left to give, it still may have been enough to save us all. Do not give up hope, Colonel. You are still needed. Our journey is not over, and you provide a guiding hand for the Copper Squadron. I'm told your intervention prevented Lieutenant Rene from being completely hedonistic in her forays to Caprica."

Gage shook his head ruefully as he laughed. "No, we just had different versions of self- indulgence. It was completely selfish on my part. Her ability is," he paused and seemed to consider his words, but forged forward with honesty. "It is seductive. She has perfected the art of seduction. She offers just enough of what she can do, then dangles her full potential out of reach."

"I don't think she is misleading us intentionally." I could not help but come to her defense. While begun for selfish purposes, her covert missions to Caprica had rescued women and children from Cylon slavery and delivered a man knowledgeable in viper and weapons design. She has come a long way from the frightened young woman Dante delivered to me. She has proven her abilities in battle and come up with strategies that have been effective in keeping the fleet safe from the enemy. It may not come easy for her, but she has learned to trust the warriors around her, working as a member of the Galactica team.

"Perhaps she is unaware of what she is doing," I added remembering Wilkers's comments about her lack of knowledge in astral physics.

Gage nodded at my advice, before pushing it aside. "Actually sir, I think she knows what she is doing. She is thinking of others. They may just not be those in the fleet, or even humans for that matter."

It was my turn to sit back in surprise. It was time for me to bare my soul as I spun the tale of Count Iblis and his miraculous effect on the fleet, the promises he made and the cost that he demanded. I am still unsure what it all meant, including the account of my son's death and resurrection. Gage listened intently, but had little to offer where Count Iblis was concerned, only that Dante seemed to change his mind at times without reason while listening to some voice other than his own.

"But you never saw him? He's not who gave Rene her powers?"

"No sir, I never saw him. Rene claims they did not come from him and I believe her. She may lie to others, but with me she has been honest."

I had my doubts on that score. Our definition of honesty may be vastly different. She has omitted many facts from her accounts, and has been known to use what information she holds to manipulate others. She has motives that are her own, and while I agree they may not be entirely self-serving, they are not completely altruistic. She may perform heroic feats defying the odds, but it is usually to protect her own

The chore that lay ahead of me was how to convince the young lieutenant that she was part of the fleet and the whole human race was now her family. It will be an overwhelming task to convince one so untrusting, but I am not alone.

"Do you think you could convince her to speak with you about her powers and what she can do, why she is doing what she is doing?"

Gage nodded thoughtfully as the spark ignited within. I hoped to fan the flames of that fire as he answered confidently. "Yes."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked.

"I'm one of the first she told of them."

I listened with rapt attention to the account of discovering her ability on accident on a midnight shift. He had thought he had a malfunctioning scanner when she simply disappeared, only to reappear at the same coordinates fifteen or so centons later. It was on another late shift that he assumed Rene had committed suicide in order to escape Dante's punishments. Her viper vanished from the scanner and as the centons dragged on, her return seemed unlikely. A centaur later, she had reappeared. He left the bridge to meet her on landing. When confronted she hadn't denied her disappearance, only stated that he wouldn't believe it. He had pressed for answers.

"I was mostly concerned about her mental well being. She walks a thin edge of sanity and often pushes others over the line, on both sides of sane or insane. I was worried about her dragging down others with her, but she agreed to show me. I still didn't believe it even after seeing it with my own eyes."

"What did she use it for then?" Adama asked, truly curious as to Rene's motivation.

"We agreed to use it to find those we had left behind. From there it was covert missions back to points on our journey where we lost others, but she didn't know then if she could bring anything larger than a viper through. When she failed to find the others, she began using it for long range reconnaissance. Without her advance warnings, we would not have lasted on Dilmun. With the advantage of intelligence, we won most of the battles. We had reached a stalemate when she found you."

"So what my son has planned is not that different from what she has done with her ability in the past?"

Gage had set down his drink and leaned into the conversation, his features animated with the possibilities. "No sir, it's not, but I am more curious in Peryton's hopes for increasing our speed. It's almost as if we could jump forward in time. We never had the luxury of exploring what she can do as we were too fearful of what Dante might do with her if he knew about it. But now," he paused, looking out the viewport at the ships around the Galactica.

"Once the baby is born," I reminded him.

"Yes, of course, but it won't be long now."

He was correct. We did not have that much longer to wait to see what the future would hold. We spent the rest of the evening discussing our own visions for what would be needed to insure the safety of the fleet. He had several novel ideas for mining corridors of space near a planet, including the idea of creating asteroid fields. We ended on a positive note that lifted both of our spirits.

I found sleep easy to find that night with a light heart and a promising future. They were some of the best centaurs of sleep I had had in sectars. If only they could have lasted longer. I was awakened from pleasant dreams far too soon.