"Has anyone seen Nagi?" Schuldig demanded.
"I wouldn't help you even if I knew. Besides, isn't he supposed to be in school?" Crawford asked.
"School! Of course! Thanks fearless leader!" Schuldig called as he bolted from the apartment.
Farfarello stared at Crawford in surprise. "Why did you help him?"
"I honestly didn't think it would help him to let him know the fourteen year old would be at school at noon. Should we stop him?" Crawford mused.
"Candy…no. I like this plan." Farfarello decided. "Speaking of candy…your stash for the trick or treaters…maybe you should let me know where it is, so I can help you protect it from Schuldig. He's the one who ate all the candy last year."
"Yeah, we still aren't buying that one. Especially not after the ten pounds you gained during the holiday season." Crawford snapped.
"That was Thanksgiving and Christmas weight! Egg nog Crawford, egg nog!"
"Right."
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"Oh dear. Naoe, they need to see you in the office right away dear. I'm afraid it's terrible news." Miazawa-sensei said nervously.
"I'm moving?" Nagi asked hopefully.
"No dear. To the office, they'll explain everything there." Miazawa-sensei answered.
Nagi set off for the office, running through pleasant options of this 'tragedy'.
'We're sorry Nagi, your guardian Schuldig passed away. He got hit by a fruity pebbles truck.'
'Your friend Schuldig has been selected as a sacrifice to the ancient gods of ass rape.'
'Schuldig's been kidnapped, his life is now in your hands.'
'Schuldig has a fatal disease. He has cancer of the rectum.'
A dazed smile on his face, Nagi entered the office, mentally chanting 'heart attack, death, disease, death, death, death, death-'
"Oh he's here. Sit down dear, I have some bad news." The guidance counselor said sweetly. "One of your guardians just-"
"Yes! He's dead, isn't he? He's finally dead?!" Nagi yelled, pumping his arm in the air.
"No dear, it's okay. He's not dead, none of your guardians are dead. It's your grandmother. I've been told you were very close-"
"I don't have a grandmother. I haven't seen my real family since I was four, that's why I'm living with three gaijin." Nagi said quickly. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He'd been called out of school before for zany schemes, and it was awfully close to Halloween.
"He was right, the boy is a chronic liar." The guidance counselor muttered. "Your brother's on his way to pick you up."
"I don't have a brother." Nagi said fearfully, knowing full well that meant Schuldig was coming to do something awful to him.
"Oh honey, I know you're upset right now, and I know that you've disowned your family recently, but in this time of tragedy you really need to pull together and help each other-"
"I really don't have a brother!" Nagi insisted. "You're not listening to me, I have no brother. I live with three foreigners who make my life hell!"
"Help each other heal. It's a time for healing, for grieving. And for strength. And love."
"I don't have a brother! You can't legally release me to his care."
"Sure she can, I brought papers." Schuldig announced upon entering the room. "C'mon Nagi-chan, we need to identify the old biddy at the morgue."
"He's lying!" Nagi insisted. "He's not my brother! He's German, I'm Japanese! We're not related!"
"It's okay Nagi, no need to hide your tears." Schuldig insisted, dragging Nagi from the room with the guise of a comforting hug. The guidance counselor waved them goodbye while Schuldig dragged Nagi through the halls.
"Help! I'm being kidnapped!" Nagi screamed. A few heads poked out of classroom doors, saw the crazy trannie, and then went back to their studies.
When they passed by Omi's classroom and Nagi's screams turned into yet another constant wail of displeasure, it caught Omi's attention.
"I'd know that wail anywhere. Yubari-sensei, I need to go to the bathroom!" Omi announced, running into the hallway.
"Drop that chibi!" Omi ordered, brandishing some sharpened pencils like he would have his darts if he'd been allowed to bring them to school with him. Oh sure, poison one homophobic bully and then you're never allowed to bring personal protection again.
"You gonna stop me?" Schuldig asked. "With…pencils?"
"I know it's hardly intimidating, but I can give you lead poisoning!" Omi shouted, hoping Schuldig wasn't aware that pencils were no longer manufactured with lead.
Telepath. Schuldig reminded him.
"Crap. Well I can still take your eye out!" Omi threatened.
Schuldig put on his sunglasses. "Problem solved. If you'll excuse me, we have a costume shop to get to."
"Omi please! Just go now, don't let him get you too!" Nagi pleaded.
Omi lunged forward and latched onto Schuldig's side, biting his free arm.
"Ow! Hey, stop that!"
Let my boyfriend go you bastard! Omi would have said it aloud, but he had quite a bit of hideous green jacket in his mouth.
"Never! I wants candy!" Schuldig shouted, attempting to scrape Omi off along one of the lockers.
"Then buy some you cheap bastard!" Nagi yelled.
"But free tastes so much better! Especially when it was gathered with humiliation and pain…" Schuldig smiled.
A realization dawned on Omi, and he stopped biting Schuldig's arm. "This…isn't over…trick or treating, is it?"
Nagi's face went bright red.
"He's being Piglet this year!" Schuldig answered jovially.
"You still trick or treat?" Omi asked.
"It's not by choice!" Nagi screeched. "I don't wanna…I'm too old…"
"No one can tell you're too old. Except the damn cops, now c'mon! We need to get a Piglet costume."
"The cops can't tell, they just know I'm being kidnapped!" Nagi insisted, kicking Schuldig in the shin.
"Nagi…I thought you were going to that Halloween party with me." Omi said sadly.
"See? I have other plans! You can't make me!" Nagi shouted, ducking behind Omi fearfully. "Why don't you take Farf? He's criminally insane, people will give him free things. Besides, he really likes Halloween."
"Kid. You're going trick or treating. Like you did last year, and the year before that, and every year you've been a part of this team."
"But…but Sada's throwing a really good party. And, and it's going to be fun. Can't Nagi go to the party?" Omi asked sweetly.
"You had one date, that's enough. He'll die from too much happiness, kid's not used to it. It'll explode his little shriveled heart." Schuldig rationalized.
Nagi faced him with puppy dog eyes. "Don't make me do it…" He whimpered.
Schuldig backed away fearfully. He turned an accusing glare on Omi. "You infected him with your cute!"
"Yeah, I taught him everything I know." Omi answered sweetly, and then flashed his own mastered puppy dog eyes. Schuldig covered his eyes, cowering in a corner.
"Fine! Take him! I give up!" Schuldig exclaimed.
"Yay! Thank you Schu-schu-kun!" Omi said happily.
"I can't believe that worked." Nagi said in amazement.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Schuldig whistled happily as he dragged Nagi towards his car, Nagi who was struggling from the inside of a potato sack wailing something about air and needing some.
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"Aya? Can I borrow your katana for a minute?" Yohji asked pleasantly.
Aya raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Er…well you borrowed my razor wire that time. Can't you return the favor?" Yohji asked, avoiding the question skillfully.
"Why do you reek of pumpkin innards?" Aya questioned.
"…"
"You're not using my katana to carve a jack-o-lantern. Get a kitchen knife."
"But then I'd have to do dishes, they're all covered in crusty old food. Ken's got dishes duty this week, remember?" Yohji whined.
"No. You're not using my katana to carve a pumpkin." Aya snapped.
Yohji left the room, muttering angrily.
Meanwhile, Aya contemplated how he himself was going to carve that pumpkin for Aya-chan's room. He certainly didn't want to do the dishes when they'd been sitting in the sink for four days…
A few minutes later he was having a horrid time trying to do detail work on a tiny pumpkin with his katana, constantly smacking himself in the head with the hilt.
Downstairs Ken was on his fifth jack-o-lantern for the store window with his bugnucks. He may have been shit for the floral arrangements, but he was very good at carving jack-o-lanterns. He decided to make his next one into a haunted house.
Yohji was poking at his with a plastic knife. He'd already snapped four knives in half. His wire was good for something though. He'd cut the top off easily enough.
"Ken do the dishes." Yohji growled.
"Break the dishes?" Ken asked pleasantly. "Besides, I'm doing work. This is the most productive I've ever been. I love Halloween."
"It's your job to do dishes this week!" Yohji yelled.
"Yeah. You're going to criticize me for being lazy. You were supposed to cook this week!" Ken shouted back.
"I cooked."
"Toaster strudel is not cooking." Ken snapped.
"Neither is ordering pizza! Do the damn dishes!" Yohji snapped back.
"If I wait a little longer Omi will do them." Ken whined.
"Fine. Then man the shop while I go get a pumpkin carving kit." Yohji said as he got up and began the search for his car keys.
"But…but school gets out in four minutes. The shop will be flooded with fan girls and it's Aya's day off. You're not going to leave me alone with them, are you?" Ken asked fearfully.
"Have fun Ken-ken." Yohji answered as he headed out the door.
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Farfarello sat in the doorway to his bedroom, pretending to read Sandman, but the whole time his eye was fixed on Crawford's door. His patience paid off, as Crawford emerged for a bathroom run.
"I know you're there, now leave."
"You could save us both a lot of trouble by just telling me where the candy is." Farfarello attempted to sound threatening while he said this, but the fact remained he was talking about Halloween candy. Crawford was not impressed.
"That candy is for the neighborhood children. Go read your comic books and hope it rains. Then you can have all the candy you want.""Rain would be good." Farfarello muttered, already concocting a plan B.
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That's it for now. This fic should be posted in its entirety by Halloween, so I'm thinking another chapter or two. I don't know how many holiday specials I plan on doing, but there'll be at least two a year (for as long as I write with Weiss/Schwartz). Halloween and Christmas. By the way, Chikin helped out with this chapter.