This is what I count as my first fanfiction and English is my second language.
For those who wants to decide to read or not, here is some info:
The crazy monologue starts with Subaru losing consciousness while Envy teleports him to Volachia. Showing his inner thoughts which was piling up ever since arc 4. He questions everything. That place isn't shadow garden. And again, canon reason for his inability to recollect anything in shadow garden is his own will… Satella is bothered by it if Echidna is truthtfull. She probably didn't even know Subaru was forgetting since she asked like he knew in first tea party.
Story starts in arc 7 just before Louise gets her power up.
I will make changes. I write this because I see that no one writes fanfiction's where Subaru is in control, even when he showed so many feats like talking in shadow garden without gluttony (arc 3) or him not using knowledge, spirit arts. Though biggest disappointment I have is how he doesn't react to Aldebaran's name after hearing in arc 3 or not saying anything when he hears the sage tower has his name on it.
Emilia camp won't be teleported to Volachia like in canon. They won't reach to mansion in 2 fucking weeks for fuck sake. One of the main points of this story is to be cruel to Emilia camp (000.1 percent of Subaru level) so they won't be breaking rules just to keep up with him. Subaru will stay in Volachia for a while. And yes, Emilia isn't coming to Volachia in 2 seconds so Emilia/Pris vs Madeline isn't happening. They would be dead in my take anyway.
Ship isn't decided. What is decided is which girl's will be interacting with him and not thrown out like Priscilla, Medium,Yorna.
There is blood. But not only Subaru's.
Re zero belongs to Tappei Nagatsuki.
Disappeared from the tower. Leaving his friends behind.
Absent from Garden. Punishing her.
The turning points. The first death tells the signs of a new challenge. The time I died to Sirius as an example. Never once have I questioned 'Why?' A new hell has begun and I always move forward without thinking about why a new challenge just appeared.
Never once raged that I would have to die again.
Was it because I didn't have time to curse my predicament?
Was it because I knew, somewhere deep down. There were benefits?
Or maybe I detest 'peace'?
The events that happened without any signs of stopping… I never once wanted peace. That is the truth that I learned in that one year of peace. I thought I did… After all, if things get calm, this whole 'suffering' of mine would stop, until the next hell that is.
But again… Peace means calm and silence and when things are silent… you start thinking.
One time… I was just looking at all the friends I made and a moment later… I disconnected. Couldn't hear anything. Couldn't hear the voice of bickering between Otto and Garfield. What Emilia said…
A thought occurred.
None of these relationships… could've been formed by 'saving' these people.
Saving their lives… wouldn't be enough. Garfiel would be devoured by wrath. Emilia. Was never enough. Saving her. To be honest, It was… disheartening that she was the one who asked him to be checked when he first came to the mansion, he was a bit suspicious but they forgot I was the one who nearly died perhaps. And that was true for everyone. My first times were never good.
The problem… wasn't that. Actually, it should've never come to that point of gaining trust by saving them in various ways. If the person who was interacting was anyone other than Natsuki Subaru… that person wouldn't be disliked by everyone at first maybe even liked or even trusted!
If it was anyone other than me… some kind of relationship. Neutrality instead of something negative could be formed.
I was disliked. By everything. Why? Why everyone hated me at first time?
Yet… I was saving everything. Well… everything that I wanted to SAVE.
Everything else is discarded but I… I have to admit. The enemies I killed. If I were to choose… maybe, a different path. I can see myself as someone capable of communicating with them. And it's not like it is an impossible idea… After all…
Since when did I reject or discard someone solely because I was killed by them right? If I did. Heh… that… would be a different path.
Would they dislike me at first time too? or…I would be belong to that dark side?
So I was rejected every single time. Never once have I formed a relationship in a way I always wanted. The closest I got was Otto. That's why I called our meeting 'Fate', something I never did, it wasn't fated though…
Until the last loop that is… The chills down my spine when I saw the person I thought I had to save is already saved. It felt unnatural. But I was happy. Glad that he was alive.
So we actually formed a friendship but… I wished I met him randomly on the streets without conflict. But then again… if conditions were different… Would we be able to form a friendship? Otto is one of the few people that I believe led me to a positive answer. If it's Emilia. There is no way the answer is positive. There isn't anything more forced than my relationship with her.
I always moved forward to people's hearts so connections can be formed because I always knew, deep down. I was different. Ever since I was a child. Every single friend I have now… There was a drama that happened, destroying the naturality of our bond. Ironically… it's not always the loops. Because I am sure even Rem, did consider it hundreds of times even then… And I am sure Emilia knew it was a betrayal. There is no way she would forget unlike Emilia, who was quick to subconsciously throw her mistake back of her mind. She is experienced in that after all. And others did too. Because when I shrugged off… everyone did.
Rem didn't forget she wanted to kill me once. But even so… she didn't stop being beside me.
Emilia… I don't know her perception at all. But she left me alone. I always avoided that truth but in that 1 year peace… all of my journey replayed in my mind over and over again.
And a thought occurred… a question. If I ever wonder if I am doing this right.
Will I be able to proudly state that everything I have is beautiful? Nothing forced? Maybe forcing into people's hearts is forcing the relationship itself? If I created this… Will I get any support when my time to doubt comes?
I also never thought. Even when there is a supposed monster who's controlling my life and death. That can kill me every second. Could it be that she chose a moment in the future she considered happy and I just can't rebel? That everything I do leads to that one moment and nothing more?
Back then… It was good. As if she helped me. But she didn't. She said nothing… did nothing. She basically told me that she disliked seeing me dead and wanted to see me happy… it was all her wants and wishes. It was all about things she was bothered with. She didn't understand anything, it was as if she was questioning it. A god that wanted good for her puppet and can't understand why he is living in hell? Not to mention I was sold to that idea because of Carmilla's authority… Is the feelings I felt... Is real? Or fake? How to know?
There was this arrogance. That existed in Satella… even when I knew she had no self-esteem. Saying positive things with no doubt. I understand it because Emilia was the same.
She said, didn't she?"I allow it" AS IF SHE IS SUPERIOR.
She told her wishes. But just like with Emilia I knew it. She was disregarding the whole ugliness, understanding and comprehending nothing about me. Because the stupidity of the situation was even when she had no self-esteem it was all about her. Even if it's killing her it wasn't selflesness it was selfish. She was stupid enough to say that. You don't just say that to a person you tried to give hope to, right? No. She was just pouring her emotions… The intent was never to… save me. She didn't even believe that I could be saved. She just thought if she were to die my problems would vanish.
It's just like Emilia. Words don't matter. It was quickly rejected in my mind because they just don't reach me. But since I love both of them. It's so easy to put any meaning I want into those words. I make it convenient for me. I use them. BECAUSE THEY ARE EMPTY.
I knew Satella wasn't pointing to a solution to a moral dilemma nor did she think about everything she wanted to say thoroughly. She just talked. As if I knew her. As if her words mattered more than anyone.
I knew Emilia didn't understand me and talked about how it was fine for me to relax. She didn't understand what was 'tough' considering the very source of my suffering caused by her distrust. She just wanted to do something for me because she believed she couldn't do anything and she had a debt… she even said "That's all I can do '' when I was getting that lap pillow. It was all about debts and promises. Then they asked why I didn't keep them.
I just put meaning as I wished because I couldn't afford to lose them.
Even so… It wasn't what I desired. I understood the possibility of being understood and its beauty when I saw the personification of that wish.
Echidna. Echidna.
She or Emilia, couldn't do what Echidna potentially would do for me. But then… Echidna was changing. She lied. She only lied to me over and over again. No one else she would lie to, not witches or any other person who takes trials only me. She did everything for me to reject her and then… even bothered, she made me reject her then bothered by the results? She is truly a dumb woman with conflicting emotions… I don't dislike that.
Something was happening but I just… couldn't focus at that time. Because I felt it wasn't the same as before… things between us weren't the same.
Before… I knew it… something… I can't grasp it right now. But I knew something that time. That's why…I knew from the very beginning. If I had Echidna everything would be changed.
When I saw her hand. I didn't care about anything bad that might happen… Echidna's intentions or the Witch of Envy might get angry. Because I knew If I got her… I would never let go. I would win.
Somehow I knew. Both of us would be satisfied. The implications of me dying so many times to satisfy her were meaningless. Because…
Her choices didn't matter. Satella didn't matter. That point. Even Emilia didn't.
Having Echidna would be something that destroys my whole reason for the meanings I put on Satella or Emilia. I would just receive them as they are. Instead of putting meanings on them. Empty would be empty. But maybe It would turn into something more real? I still love them. And I want words to be real.
They would no longer have the convenient ability to solve ME by doing LITERALLY ANYTHING with no chance to fail. But that didn't matter.
E… Even if the ending is happy… if it's fake. I won't be satisfied.
Echidna was the only one who mattered at that moment… But even when I considered her… I realized she didn't know what she wanted. She just didn't. She had a problem with her 'greed' and she wanted to satiate but it's not like she knew 'how to' or see that as a 'possibility'. She lacked the faith in her salvation. So I would change that.
That's why I would be the one to believe that possibility and achieve it. I would define the concept of her greed and put it into her soul so it wouldn't be incomprehensible to her. After all, she did the same thing to me even if she didn't realize it… She talked about me. Said things as if they are fact. And I have come to accept some of them.
My fear of limits of how many times I can die… subconsciously I knew there was no limit. But Echidna boldly claimed that. I could no longer reject that.
My past. Echidna boldly challenged that. I could no longer avoid it.
If we had more time… and if she gained more confidence… Perhaps she would even challenge my relationship with others. What would happen then?
Over and over… so I knew. Such a thing… was possible for her too. And I knew she was wrong… the 'trial error' partnership she wants… she wouldn't like that. I just know. Because I, inside… knew that. No matter what, I would pass Sanctuary. Even if no one helped.
Never come so far by giving up. After all… even Rabbit's lost the impact after the second time.
The content of suffering was limited. Eaten by rabbits. Getting raped by Emilia. How far can fate challenge me? Not so far before surpassed.
Even if by some chance, the suffering is unlimited… It didn't matter because the speed of increase in content wasn't fast enough. I am getting better. Every single time. I get stronger. I am far faster than fate can be prepared for me. Sometimes I feel like I can just act normal after I die. Like as if nothing happened.
But the insanity of a person taking the witch's hand… trusting her fully. Echidna didn't like that, not one bit. I figured it out after all this time. She was always vocalizing how she is a witch and evil. I, in fact, accepted that and moved on.
And she didn't even think about that. Because it was madness. It was illogical. She, a witch, was unable to keep up with Natsuki Subaru's madness. That wrath scum was right about one thing after all. She thought I was desperate maybe? Perhaps I was believing too easily? Whatever it was, she didn't like that.
I was too crazy and made her, a witch, doubt.
I don't blame it on her. It's my fault.
I don't question, unlike all other bonds I formed. Because 'Why?' is obvious. We couldn't communicate. We didn't put enough effort. It was a shame.
But one thing was obvious. If I started my journey in The Lost Forest of Clemaldy and got into that place things would be different.
If we talked a lot. I would be honest and expressive as I was on my first day in the capital.
Even if it's between deaths. I would make her wait.
And I am sure, that time. She wouldn't let the braindead hypocrite Witch of Wrath bother us. When she talked about how I was UNGRATEFUL to Satella I had already decided she would be deader than she already was for a second but she was too insignificant to bother like the factors in the shadow garden. They don't matter. Powers didn't matter. I don't care about Authorities. Here I said it. For some reason I wouldn't even bother to awaken them if not for the tea… Why? I do not know. Another subconscious decision I cannot face because I am too coward? Maybe.
I genuinely believe. I didn't meet with Echidna 400 years ago. I read her Book of The Dead. A shallow understanding but understanding nonetheless. I think we would get along even if we had met in the past.
But… too late. Things didn't end well. Whenever I beat a challenge… I don't get any reward.
In this place, the place that was different from covered with shadows and only void was present. The existence of nothing. I didn't have any physical body or anything but… the thing that kept me going. The feeling that let me get out of that shadow garden even with all that love present. Exists even now.
I don't care. I don't need to question. That was my conclusion.
I am too Prideful to believe I am controlled by any person with a book. I knew, deep down, that I am free. Ever since I came to this place. That's why I never questioned.
I am too Prideful to even think about the possibility of my life being controlled by that pathetic woman that only good as my love dump. I am not wrong. That's simply stupid. I am chained only when it's convenient for me. Because if someone is trying to chain me then I can pull those chains and when I reach them it won't be good for those people.
…
And I wanted a satisfying ending too much to let go of anything. That's why I never questioned my bonds with others… or any other possibility. But now, I am questioning the things I gave meaning to, acknowledging they were empty all along, even if I still love them. Is it because things are changing? Because I can no longer give meaning to a fairy tale like ending?
The void.
He couldn't stay anymore… The feeling of… wanting to continue. Inability to give up. The very essence of Natsuki Subaru. Burning with impatience.
Deep down probably I was always… knew. Always questioned. That's why when things 'occurred' to me. Everything loses color. That's why… even 1-year peace was suffering. I don't know what colorlessness means… but I hated to see them colorless so much… and that hate wasn't directed at me. It was them. I couldn't understand it. Hating anyone other than myself was a foreign emotion.
Determination.
A star appears right where Subaru's consciousness stayed in the void. To awaken once more… He was accumulating his very existence from the start.
But there are still things I didn't question even in this place where I didn't hold back.
A dark hand appears… darker than the very nothingness. Its source was far more wicked than witches. It represented every source of energy for him to keep going. It was dark because unlike anyone in this story…
He didn't have any reason to go this far. Reasons existed so he wouldn't acknowledge his dark determination. The truth is that he was changing everything by only existing.
That was this hand. A hand that exists for the sake of existing. To get things he wants.
Ah… I got it. Even in that 1 year, I got that colorless world… It wouldn't take long, it wouldn't stay colorless. Because if colorlessness is somewhat caused by doubt… or any feeling that dark in nature. Then… Ah… Yes.
I wonder the reason I never thought about you in this dark place of mine…
The dark hand that exists with nothing but Determination, grasps the very concept of himself… The essence of Natsuki Subaru. Shown as a Star. A star, unlike any other living being. There was no self-preservation inside of it. Natsuki Subaru's essence was only Determination.
The hand touched the star… And a star shined brightly… starting to disappear.
And while getting out of this place where he allowed no one else.
Something occurred.
Was it because of all the colors you wear…Beatrice?
And as always. The wicked existence of Determination fades away from the void, where he usually will himself to move forward, unknown to anyone, that always happened with the thought of that lovely girl accepted him. And cherished that fact. Perhaps that's why he didn't think enough about that witch after all. His mind was busy with her daughter. How ironic.
But even so… thanks to that girl he knew that Echidna was lying.
Natsuki Subaru left the place he had long avoided. He was in this place to achieve his goals.
Now he would awaken without remembering anything… but that was required.
Little did he know that he would awaken and see his blue-haired Princess with her eyes open.
And then… getting choked.
Perhaps he was right. This is what Natsuki Subaru gets. Always. No reward whatsoever, never.
3 weeks later.
Redness covered his vision.
Right before he was hit by a sheep looking boy with horns…Louise took the blow instead of him. Taking such a blow that can destroy ground and walls with her fragile body didn't end well. She crashed into a wall and was covered by debris.
"Huh?" Subaru couldn't help but gasp.
"Why?" He couldn't help but ask. But it's not like the question had any meaning… it was just he was rebelling against the very reality. As always.
But his questioning was cut short by the sounds of footsteps.
"Sorry." The sheep-looking boy with fire eyes…carried sadness within. It was him. For some reason… after Louise took that attack and maybe died. Subaru lost something he had towards those eyes.
"Sorry… you are sorry. I see. I might get sorry too." Subaru was looking towards him but his eyes were going wild… looking around the boy. Around, everywhere… But he couldn't just look at him. He felt as if he did. He would unleash something.
When it comes to his incomprehensible words. The sheep boy didn't give an answer to them. As if they were words coming out of shock. That was the boy's conclusion.
He wasn't wrong. Those words were meaningless.
He raises his fists. He had the power to destroy. He had the power to just throw Subaru and he would die. If not for Louise.
Unless…
It was given power. Given to him. Accepted by love. A power of bond. Something Subaru didn't have. He was going to die to that power.
That fist reaches him. Then Subaru would have to be sorry for him.
He did his best to move. Dodging might be for the skilled. But Subaru tried nonetheless… If only he could move his body. But he couldn't… after falling from so high.
Her actions and sacrifice… would be futile. But not for long. Because he won't forget.
He won't-
Just as Subaru was ready to move on to the next. A shadow stumbled on the sheep boy.
"Subaru-chin!" It was Medium. With her mini self. Just like Subaru.
"Take care of Louise-chan!"
He had to get up… Get up.
To reach Louise and save her. He had to save her. Move! Move! Move! Move!
He started gathering all the imaginative power he had. Condensing inside him…
He was tapping on everything he had.
"Move… Come on!" Both his hands and knees are on the floor. He was pushing very hard.
"Not yet." "Not now" "Even if it's over" "Not dying before get up"
With insane words said loudly blood started to fill his mouth.
*Cough*
Even so… *Cough*
He wasn't superhuman. He wasn't even average.
"Ahhhhhhh. My veins… Ooh?!" Hurts! Hurts!
No. No.
It's not about… doing. Blood started to leak from other places…
It's not about… not doing Coughing… Pain. Red.
"It's about spending everything"
With that claim in his mind… he was rising slowly, slowly… with the unknown look in his eyes. He pushed the floor with all his strength in one go and he was up.
"No!" He was nearly falling to his back. Found his balance… but this time, his legs were so weak… splitting open. If they split full… Subaru wasn't that flexible, he had to stop.
"Huh…. Hah." He did.
Now he had to walk step by step… Step. Step.
He reached Louise. His body was a mess. Signs of fresh blood coming out of his ears and nose. He was in a very bad condition.
But not compared to her.
"Louise… Louise." She was under the debris… Several stones covered her body. Subaru had to take them off… He had to do it. No matter what.
He didn't look like someone trying to save someone. No one would think a face like he was doing when asked about saving someone.
Because those who weren't destined to be saviors… would despair when they understand people they tried to save losing the greatest gift of all.
But… what kind of face would a person make… if they didn't even think anything other than the hell in front of them. A child, crushing under the stone… only their hand, asking for help. That's all you can see.
Subaru, for a moment, thought… What would Emilia do? What would Reinhard do?
This person. That person. He discarded all the thoughts. Meaningless.
This kind of hell… only heroes or people with delusional perceptions would be spared from it or wouldn't be damaged by it.
Because they wouldn't see such hell, to begin with.
No one would… No one puts so many emotions into a stranger even if they are children… and on the battlefield, the probability was they would be corpses.
Chosen ones wouldn't even imagine seeing such a sight. They would be on the front lines… winning the war.
There were ones who would order people… not imagining such a sight. Not caring about it.
There were the ones… had to make their heart steel… so it wouldn't break against such a sight.
Everyone with their evasion and their instinct of preservation. Would adapt to it. To not get hurt by such sight.
Subaru would never accept it. He rejected such a conclusion. That's why with a look only he can have. He was trying to save her. Forgetting all the conflict he had for… No.
Rejecting all the conflict he had with Louise Arneb. He was lifting the stones far heavy for his body one by one. His muscles screaming with pain… his brain trying to do everything to stop him. He didn't care.
With another stone lifted… he saw her blue eyes. Helpless… losing light. He won't stop at such a sight. If he dies… he can't forget this moment, it would change him forever. That damn sheep!
No. He changed himself. That's how Natsuki Subaru works. If he were to adapt and accept situations just because of the environment and hardships… he would not be Natsuki Subaru. He wouldn't give up.
"Louise… *cough* pleas… please!. You c… can't die!" His world was shaking… perhaps at this point, Subaru's condition was far worse than Louise's…
He had to plead with her. Because he just can't lift the last stone. It was a miracle that he could lift others… some of them 6 times heavier than his tiny body's weight.
"UuuuuuuUuuu…" Last breaths… that was what it was. He understood when he heard the child's whimper.
"WHY!? Get the fuck up! Why won't you fucking MOVE?"
His bodily functions were nerfed greatly. His body was broken in many ways. His gate didn't work and was killing him. A stupid organ that Subaru would discard if he could. Something he never wanted, he couldn't accept such a stupid way to use magic.
He hated this. His body wasn't going to enhance itself with mana. Like Julius or Wilhelm. Like literally anyone else in this world. It never did even when he had a 'proper' gate.
"Fuck… Why? Wh… *COUGH*"
His body was giving up.
Louise was covered with not dust but blood.
He dropped onto the stone. His body shut down. Perhaps the extra weight he caused on Louise will kill her. That enraged him even more.
…
…
No. No. No. No.
"F…uck. Fuck. FUCK. DAMNIT!" He didn't know where he got the energy from… Something inside of him was cracking… using its little influence to shut his body so he could survive. But it's refused. Because it was a stupid attempt. It wasn't about survival. No. He had to save Louise. Because he didn't want her to die right now. More than anything.
He lifted himself up… And then… an invisible force lifted the stone… throwing it somewhere. It was strong. Far stronger than Subaru would guess.
He had some other plan… He didn't mean to use that thing. He was disgusted by the authorities. He didn't know why though.
With that he slowly let himself beside Louise. Both of them dying… covered with blood.
…
"Uhhu… Uhghu" Louise was crying… he didn't know why. Was it pain? Was it because he was dying? It was probable. She sacrificed herself for him many times. He won't reject that anymore.
He felt his mind was clear.
He understood now. He wanted to save Louise but couldn't accept the fact because it was crazy. But now he didn't care.
He forgot about things perhaps for the sake of using that excuse. That seemed right… but now it didn't matter.
'My Od making me childlike? Old man interfered? I don't care anymore. That's why…' He felt like himself.
'I can't make a decision right now, because I am a kid' What a stupid excuse!
No more excuses.
Ever since he came to this world… No, ever since he existed. He made excuses… forgot things… just to not lose people or the reason to reach them.
It's enough.
"Loui..s" He was holding his body… forcing every muscle and everything he can use to keep himself from dying. It was a level of body control he never achieved before. He could do it only with his determination. Both consciously and subconsciously Natsuki Subaru was keeping himself alive. It wasn't out of self-preservation… but determination. To do what he wants.
"Don't. Die" He was gaining energy… why? He didn't know.
He reached her with his hand… he reached her for a connection.
"Didn't you… wanted to… be… happy?" He didn't care. His condition didn't matter.
Subaru accepted both Louise and Louise Arneb. He just didn't care. Consequences. Everyone was thinking they were above consequences. They couldn't judge him.
"Don't… die"
…
He holds her hand.
Even if both of them died there Subaru would at least know that he did everything he could.
"Don't die"
Maybe loops weren't about dying, repeating, or learning.
"Don't die"
Maybe there wasn't such a thing as dying in vain.
"Don't die"
That seemed right. It was about an attempt. Determination. Satisfaction. Darker emotions. Even the increasing count meant he was getting closer. There was no vain 'death'
"Proceed"
His life wasn't about reaching happiness… there had to be meaning. Or else…
"Get up"
The happiness he gains between deaths… would be colorless.
"Medium"
He had enough… What was this? His body becomes a child's. As if the world was mocking Subaru… negating his 1-year effort and training instantly… Maybe he was lying to himself.
"I don't give in"
He could end this story in 1 year. Instead of doing parkour… hah.
"Determination"
Discard. Erase. Everyone in his way. Searching for Witch cult. Alone.
"Determination"
He didn't know why he didn't do that.
But… he will move forward.
Natsuki Subaru grasps the hand of that girl. And with that… he changes everything with…
—No matter what, I will save you.
Greed - Cor Leonis
Ị̴̈ ̵̢̭̚͠k̴̦͚͋̚n̴̞͎͊ọ̸̠̉̈w̶̠͇̔́ ̸͇̫̃ẅ̵̭̯́h̸͖͑ă̶̰͜ṭ̵̇ ̴͖̘́ḯ̴̮͛t̵̢̪̓ ̴̘͂̈́i̵̛̦̍s̵̢̫̏ - Return by Death
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Blue eyes open with a feeling of belonging.
Yep. First chapter here. Please leave reviews, I'll answer all of them (I hope story is readable)
Subaru knows stuff about Return by Death. How much? We will see. The glitched word is 'I know what it is' and he used Cor Leonis. What for? That's for you to guess. He will try to find out why authorities piss him off so much… after that we'll see if he will use it or not… Who am I kidding… he will. But the point is, everything Subaru should do but can't in canon in this story will be touched.
Subaru suffered a lot between arc 4 and 5. His only reward was being knighted but that's given by Roswaal and not Emilia which bothers him. He also has doubts. Pretty much more than amount of his deaths but that might change. We also saw Subaru acknowledging he is crazy enough to be friends with lunatics he destroyed along the way. He was thinking about Elsa btw. And him acknowledging he might actually not kill her is not because his 'gotta save everyone' policy… more like he might give it a try to see what kind of relationship would come out of that.
We see here Subaru talking about how he actually thought everything before attempting to hold her hand (making a contract) but inability to recall now. Basically a wink to Greed if. Subaru knowing she might attempt such thing but also claiming that won't work.
And yes, colorlessness is the same symptom from Wrath If. Subaru gets that ever since arc 1 in this story. Time to time. As you can see he kinda hates everyone when it happens. 'and that hate wasn't directed at me. It was them. I couldn't understand it. Hating anyone other than myself was a foreign emotion.'
That's basically how this Subaru is he was really angry at that sheep boy unlike in canon, the threat was real, if he hit him he would be fucked eventually… the name of the story is Star if because it's basically Subaru if and another meaning but that's a secret.
And lastly… Subaru gained all of his memories lost by turned into a shota(little Subaru) and decided that he accepts Louise. And yeah, he still loves Emilia duh… but he can't be bothered with that right now. Since it's also a source of pain for him.