I'm trying something new, I know its been a while since I wrote anything but I feel very invested in writing this so let me know what you think. Thank you.
"Don't worry, I can't stay away from you even if I tried." The man in front of me is more than double my age. Thats the normal age I get, its very rare that I get anyone even remotely near my own age. I give him my signature wink as he says these words to me and move to leave the house, his hand grabbing mine. "I can't wait to see you again Sera." I show him my teeth in a smile. I can't remember his name, I never do remember their names really, I just get told where and who I'm going too. As long as I know who I've got to have sex with, that's all I need to know I guess.
"You know how to find me." I say to him, his pink hair is catching in the evening sun as I see him bite his upper lip, looking over my body with his harsh purple eyes, all enhanced in some way or other, I'll never understand Capitol people are their need to have strangely coloured Hair, eyes and skin. I slide out the door, leaving him alone and setting myself free. My body feels disgusting, I can't wait to get into a shower, I always feel worse after this particular charge, he likes it rough, likes to have his hands all over my body. Every time he touches me somewhere that is normally covered by clothes, I have to stop myself from pulling away, I did the first time that I was with him, Snow didn't take to it very well. However, trying to stop myself pulling away has turned into me moaning whenever he touches my body, which only egg's him on but at least it keeps him happy and luckily for me, it normally means he finishes a lot quicker than normal. These Capitol men are very easily pleased.
I meet my driver outside the Lavish building. Ceres is waiting with a smile on his face. "Straight to the train station please Ceres." Its finally home time. I've been in the Capitol now for 6 months, I've been staying in the apartment that President Snow himself gifted to myself and a couple of the other victors that he sells to the Capitol citizens. There are 5 of us in that apartment altogether, Myself, Finnick Odair from District 4, Johanna Mason from District 7, Art Solace from District 9 and Celestia Edison from District 5. There used to be 6 of us, Annie Cresta from District 4 but she was deemed too unstable to carry on, so they sent her home and she hasn't been back since. I wonder if that will happen to us all, Become Mentally Unstable. At least I would get sent home. Art and Celestia are hardly ever here, Jo isn't here much either, so normally its just me and Finnick, both of us going along with it to keep people safe, both of us with secret loves that we don't want to lose. Finn went home yesterday, they normally send us back a few days before The Reaping, this year is the 74th Hunger Games.
I'm looking forward to going home however, even if it does mean that I'll be back here in a few days with 2 teenagers that will be to fight to the death for the entertainment of the Capitol people. After snow killed my family, I don't have much to worry about at this time of the year anymore. My youngest sibling would still be in her last reaping, The only person I have left is too old for the reaping and funnily enough, doesn't want much to do with me these days but I made a promise to keep him safe and that's what I'm going to do.
Ceres gets me to the train safely as he always does and I bid him goodbye as he hands me my suitcase. "Look after yourself Miss Sera, I'll see you again in a month or so, I'm sure." I give him a quick smile and a one armed hug and board the train, the door slides shut behind me, leaving Ceres standing on the platform waving goodbye to me. I'm going home.
The train is set to get me there tomorrow dinner time and considering that there is no one on this train but me and a couple of cooks and Avox's I go straight to my room and lock the door. I know I'm not going to sleep here, I never do, it feels too much like going back into the games, just without my fellow victor, laughing drunkenly in my ear. The room is as it always is, silk bed sheets, a bed that stands tall from the ground and feels just like sleeping on a cloud. I drop my case on the bed, there isn't much point in opening it when I'll just have to pack it again in the morning, it doesn't have much in it anyway, I leave most of my Capitol stuff in the Capitol. I have enough stuff at home to not need any of it from there.
In the bathroom, the shower is calling my name. Without hesitation, I step into it and push a few buttons. I can almost instantly smell strawberries and mint, a very strange combination. I let the water fall freely down my body, the scalding hot washing away any mark left by the last charge. I look down at myself, disgusted. Little bruises are scattered around my torso like fingerprints, making their way up to my breasts. I'm used to bruises, it happens a lot, bruises, fingernail marks. One was particularly brutal and I left with a black eye and a few broken fingers. I can't help but think that the one person I am doing this all to protect would never lay a finger on me like that and would be disappointed that I let men do it to me.
Once my broken body has been washed of all sin, I step out onto the mat, letting it dry my body, my short black hair falling to its usual place at my shoulders. I catch my reflection in the mirror, the bags under my eyes that are normally hidden with make-up are now very obvious. Bruises are scattered around my right ear. I peel my eyes away from the mirror and wander into the bedroom, leaving my clothes around the bathroom and climbing into bed, the tears falling freely from my eyes.
I don't know how long I lie there for, crying. Minutes? Hours? I don't know, but I do know that its going light outside when I pull myself out of bed, pull on some new underwear, a pair of jeans and a top from the very top of my suitcase. I leave the bedroom in the state that it is and leave the clothes on the bathroom floor and walk down the hallway, ditching my suitcase by the exit door. We should be there in a couple of hours.
For the next couple of hours, I just wander around the train. It looks exactly the same as it normally does and when I get to the last train car, I pause and watch the world fly past me. I always wonder what its like out there in the woods. Everything just seems like it would be free out there, free to do whatever you want. I push the thought from my head when the train begins to slow and the dreary fence of District 12 comes into view. Home. I'm almost running towards the door. It slides open as I get there and I pick up my case before stepping into the warm air. There are no camera's, no commotion. Just one person, leaning against a pillar, drinking from a liquor bottle with sarcastic comment playing on his lips. "Haymitch." I nod and he nods in return. Haymitch Abernathy My Mentor and Fellow Victor of District 12.
Me and Haymitch don't say much on the way, he just asks me how it was, which I just comment 'horrible'. We never say much to each other, company is enough most of the time, we are the closest thing that the other has to a family and I couldn't imagine not living next door to him, I think I would loose my mind, just like Annie Cresta.
Once we finally make it to The Victors Village, which me and Haymitch are the only residents off, he walks off towards his house, leaving me on my own. "See you at 8." Then he's gone. We always have tea together whenever I get back from The Capitol. I walk through the door to my cold house. I still don't understand much why I have this house, I'm never here. Haymitch is nice enough to check up on it every now and then for me which I'm grateful for, not that he has to do much here. I do notice though, whenever I get back, my entire liquor stash has disappeared.
Without even going inside, I drop my bag into the house and lock the door again. Pulling my hair up into a ponytail, I set off towards town. I need to get some stuff for tea tonight with Haymitch. There is some tins of stuff at home but I need some fresh meat and bread. Okay maybe I'm only going to The Town Square to hopefully see him but I know he doesn't want to see me so I'd have to be discreet. 6 Months ago, he asked me to marry him and I said no, after 7 years together. All I see is the heart break when I said no. He didn't even give me time to explain, not long after I said no, I ended up in the Capitol and I haven't seen him since. We got together not long before my games, but we where stupid teenagers then and thought that my lifestyle in the Capitol wouldn't get in the way but then too much happened and when we tried to have sex, I couldn't. He said that he didn't have a problem with it and we would take out time but Snow sold my virginity after my first games, I don't know what its like to have sex with someone who loves me, I'm only ever used to being physically abused by men I don't know and he doesn't seem to get that.
It doesn't take me a long time to get to the Town Square as there is an alley down the middle of mine and Haymitch's house that leads straight to the square. It seems especially lively today. A few people point and smile at me as I walk by but I mostly ignore them. My first stop is The Butchers, I get what meat I want take my time going next door to the Bakery. I let out a breathe when I find The Youngest Mellark behind the till. "Sera? I didn't know you where back?" I smile at him and shut the door behind me, hearing the familiar ding of the bell.
"I just got back actually, about 20 minutes ago, just stocking up for dinner tonight with Haymitch." He nods and reaches into the cabinet, pulling out some seeded bread. He always remembers the bread that I love, I suppose that's why they always put him on the till. He's good with people. I used to help babysit Peeta Mellark when he was younger and everyone was working. I grew up with his brother, the man I came to love. I'm just taking the bread off Peeta when he walks through the door, holding a tray of cookies for the stand. His eyes find mine and his mouth stops.
"Lev?" His eyes fall from mine and catch my neck. Shit, I forgot about the bruises. I move to hide them with my hair but he's too quick, he's in front of me, moving my hair out of the way.
"What happened to you?" He asks but I look away from him, taking my bread off the counter, I want to remain there, his hands on me, just like they used to be all the time. His hands haven't changed, still callous from the years of working in The Bakery, the warmth from his hand is radiating down my neck and back, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. "Was it one of them, did they hurt you?" He's angry now, not that he can do anything about someone from the Capitol hurting me.
His anger mirrors in me and I feel the need to get out of there as soon as possible. "They always hurt me, I told you that, I told you everything about it. Besides Lev, you're the one that didn't want to speak to me, I wanted to explain to you everything, I wanted to tell you what happened to me to make me so messed up but you didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to marry you, you thought that was it, I didn't want to marry anyone Leaven, not after everything I have been through, it doesn't mean I wanted to lose you, you're the only thing in this world that made me want to carry on living and you walked away from me." I'm crying now and I can see him trying to keep the tears in. His hands have left me and I stand there on my own, the most vulnerable I've ever been. I've stood naked infront of more men than I could count but I've never felt more naked in my entire life standing infront of the man that will forever hold my heart. He looks like he is about to say something but stops himself. "I can't go through this again Lev, I just can't. I've been through so much in my 22 years, a Hunger Games, years of a abuse from Capitol men and my father, some resulting in broken bones, My whole family dying and none of that hurt me as much as you turning your back on me that day when I needed you the most." My eyes find Peeta, looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, I'm going now, thank you for the bread." I turn to leave. Lev reaches for me but I'm gone and walking back to The Victors Village.
I don't think I have a dry face the whole time it takes me to get back to The Victors Village. I can't help but think about Lev every second of every day, I can't help but think about everything I went through when he stopped talking to me and whether he went through the same thing. I know that I hurt him, he hurt me too by not listening to me explain myself. I couldn't and still can't marry him. He will probably never understand how all over the place my life has been since winning the 67th Hunger Games at 15 and a few months after that, President Snow sold my virginity to someone who was 49 and married with kids older than me. I cried the whole time but he didn't care, he just wanted to take my virginity, that is after all what he payed for. Lev was there for me when I got back but he could never understand what I went through that night. That was the most bruises I have ever come back from the Capitol with, even counting The Hunger Games. I was only 15.
Once I'm back in the safety of my house, I start myself a fire to warm the place up. I notice that some of my things have been moved and put in places I would never put them, I'm not the tidiest person, my blanket usually lives over the chair arm, in case I ever need it but its not, it's been folded and moved to the basket in the corner of the room. I think nothing of it though, maybe someone was sent to make sure that my house was tidy before I returned. I slide my shoes off, kicking them to the side of the room and warm my feet by the growing fire. My mind takes me back to when me and Lev used to do this. Infact we where doing this the last time that I was in the district, this is where he asked me to marry him, our favourite place, infront of the fire, wrapped in a blanket. I push the thought from my head and pull myself to my feet, thinking nothing else about Lev. I'm just walking to the kitchen when the phone rings, making me jump. Its probably Haymitch asking what time I want him, he's probably the most impatient person I've ever met.
I pull the phone from the holder and hold it up to me ear. "Haymitch, I'll ring you when I'm ready for you." I say into the receiver and am met with laughing that doesnt belong to my fellow victor.
"Haymitch driving you mad again is he?" Finnick. I find myself laughing, as I always do when I talk to Finnick. Its not usually allowed for 2 victors to communicate between districts but Finnick spent a night with one of Presidents Snow's council members and he allowed him and me to talk, which really didn't help the rumour that we where together but I don't mind, at least I get to speak to him whenever I want. "Just checking in to make sure that my favourite girlfriend got home safe." I can tell just by the tone of his voice that if he was in front of me right now, he would be winking.
"You're favourite girlfriend is home safe and sound don't worry." Once me and Finn started living together in the Capitol and spending all this time together, the people of the Capitol where sure that stuff had happened whilst we where alone and now they all seem to think that we are together. Which you would think would work in our favour but with both of us doing what we do, we ended up with more charges because the capitol people believed that we 'taught' each other stuff. We've had a lot of charges that wanted us together but we always say no to that, I couldn't imagine us both being in that position.
Finn is still laughing on the other side of the phone, I wait for him to stop. "How's 12?" He asks.
"Same as it always is. Dealing with Haymitch, hiding from Lev, boring."
Finn's laughing has stopped now. "Have you talked to him?" I've told him all about Lev when we get a single moment away from the Capitol Cameras. "What did he say?" He asks not even waiting for my answer.
"I more shouted at him actually. He saw my bruises on my neck and got angry so I basically told him that he knew about everything and he had no reason to get angry at something that he doesn't want anything to do with anymore." I can feel the tears again but I push them back. "I've probably lost him forever Finn."
He takes a breathe. "Don't say that. He will still be upset about you turning him down, just talk to him normally and leave your erratic self at home. No shouting at him." We both laugh. "If he is anything like you then he will be the most stubborn person ever, just talk to him, that's the best you can do, if he still doesn't want anything to do with you then at least you tried and you've still got me."
I chuckle slightly. "No offence Finn but me and you is not going to happen." Then we are both laughing again. "I'll talk to you soon Finn, see you at The Hunger Games."
"See you Sera." Then the phone goes dead.
At 8pm, I call Haymitch to tell him that I'm ready for him and he appears at the front door 30 seconds later. I can't imagine he feeds himself as much as he says he does because every time he is here, he shows up straight away and eats about 4 servings which means I always have to make more. "What do we have tonight Sweetheart?" He's smiling. I can imagine just how much he doesn't smile when I'm not here because when I am here, I cook him food, clean his house, keep him company, things that nobody else in the district will probably ever do, he is after all a little hard to get along with.
He doesn't wait for me to answer, he just sits and waits for the food. We never use the dining room, we normally just sit at the kitchen bar. I only have 2 stools at the bar so it works out pretty well. There has never been any other reason for us to use the dining room. I also have a table in the kitchen but its normally full of different stuff like books and kitchen appliances, its normally where I do some of my song writing when I'm at home. I pull the stew that I made before Haymitch arrived off the stove and pour some in a bowl for him. Its one of my dad's favourite foods, or was when he was alive at least. He taught me how to make it very early on, I never got a chance to make it for him though. "Thanks kid." He starts shovelling it into his mouth with the spoon set out for him.
I pour myself a bowl and join him in the seat to his left. "How did it go with the boy?" He ask's me. I knew he would bring it up.
"Not great, He probably never wants to see me again." I can't bring myself to eat any of the food in front of me, so I just play with it with the spoon. Haymitch seems to notice and tells me off for it, like a father would. "I miss him."
"I know." He has stopped eating now and he pats the top of my right hand that sits on the kitchen counter. We sit in silence for a few minutes before he speaks again. "I got a bit sick of him whilst you where away actually."
My eyes find his face, he's eating again. "What do you mean?" I ask.
"He was always here. I couldn't steal any of your food because every time I came in, he was in the kitchen or I could hear him moving around upstairs. He wouldn't leave me alone sometimes, asking about you and whether you where okay." My mind begins to spin. He didn't carry on with his life. He wanted to be here. That was why my house was so clean when I walked through the door when I got back. He kept it clean, like he always did. I was always the messy one, it used to drive him insane.
I can imagine him moving around the house, sleeping in the bed, baking on the weekends, reading a book by the fire, one that he probably used to read to me, sitting out in the garden at night times and watching the stars in the sky, whilst dinner was cooking on the stove in the kitchen, all the things we used to do together. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes at the thought of him being here all alone. He never liked this house, he always planned for us to live in a town house, working at the bakery all the time. He's been picturing this since we where kids, before I even had any inkling of his feelings towards me.
"Got very annoying, he did, I tried to get rid of him on multiple occasions." Haymitch tuts, still eating his food. I don't say anything thing, just watch the food in my bowl, swirling around, until Haymitch takes the bowl from me and begins his second portion.
After dinner we sit in the sitting room by the fire and have a drink together, him with his whiskey, me drinking a hot chocolate with a bit of rum in it. I do normally just drink it straight but for some unknown reason I'm not in the mood for it tonight. I just want to go to bed but I know I can't leave Haymitch alone, he spends too much time alone always ignoring my idea for him to make a friend. He scares away anyone that ever tries to get to know him and says I'm his only friend. I don't mind of course, he's probably my only friend too. He knows more about me and my life than anyone else, even Lev.
We sit there in silence until nearly 3am, Haymitch gets up to leave, saying he's tired and I trudge up to my bedroom, shedding my shoes half way up the stairs, imagining Lev shouting at me from behind that I'm the messiest person he knows. Ever since Haymitch told me about Lev being here, I can't stop picturing him around, I turn one last time towards the dying fire, to see him poking it with a stick, he has a sad look on his face, my favourite book is sitting on one of the velvet chairs that sit close enough to the fire. A blanket is strewn over the back of the chair, this was our Saturday evenings, I'm sure he would have kept doing them after I left. My feet carry on moving up until I'm at the top of the stairs and a few steps later I'm in my bedroom. The smell hits me, Lev's smell, bread, soap and whatever kind of sweet treat he would have been making at the bakery. The bed is made up, not how I left it. The sheets haven't been changed though which is nothing like Lev at all. The rest of the room is absolutely spotless, almost like when I originally moved in, safe from a pile of my clothing folded neatly at the end of the bed.
I walk over, picking it up and taking it to my drawers, a second later it hits the floor as I open the top drawer of my dresser and find a collection of Lev's clothes. He left them all here, probably for me to find. Without thinking I pull one of his shirts out, taking in the smell that is still a tiny bit there after it being washed and fall into the bed, wrapping myself up in the duvet that also smells like him. It feels like his arms wrapping around me, the tears fall freely now. When I open my eyes, I see his face looking back at mine from his pillow, the side of the bed closest to the bedroom door, I never liked sleeping on the side closest to the door in case something happened. I always preferred to be closer to the balcony door on the other side of the room. He knew that, he said it was one of the things he loved most about me. I can feel it in my stomach. The pain. I miss him more than words would ever be able to say. My heart feels like its shattered and there is nothing I can do about it. Within minutes I've cried myself to sleep, dreamlessly. I don't think I have the ability to dream since Lev left me.
An hour later I'm awoken by my front door slamming shut. My heart starts to beat faster and my body stiffens. I could have sworn I locked the door before coming to bed, I followed Haymitch to the door and locked it. Haymitch is the only other person with a key but he gave that to... Lev.
My bedroom door slides open slowly, as if the person on the other side is scared. Then in seconds he's there, Leaven Mellark. Is this a dream. His face tells me it's not, he hasn't slept, his eyes are dark from crying. I can recognise his pyjamas under his father's hand me downs. He's looking right at me and I'm looking right at him. "I miss you." Is all he says and slides into my bed, wrapping his arms around me where we cry together. For the first time since I've been back from The Capitol, the house feels like home. I guess now I realise that it was never the house, it was always him.