The First Leg of the Race, Thereby Meaning the Beginning
Everyone was excited. Really very excited. So excited. In fact, most of them were sleeping or in a drugged fashion of unconsciousness. Anyway, the day had come for the first race, and it was to be held on the Luigi Raceway, which made Luigi very happy. So happy, that he did a striptease for everybody in a castle in Nantucket. So, the partners all met together and decided on their kart. The story begins now, as the racers are preparing to start, all waiting behind the finish line.
"The racers are setting up their crap, and we are going to welcome them...later," the announcer said, removing his pants up in the commentary tower. "Okay, I guess we can go now, since I'm not wearing any pants. First off, at the head of the pack, is the heart coach, a kart for Peach, who will be driving, and Luigi, the man with the green fireballs.
"Next up, there is the driver Toad and his sweetheart throwing her goods out back in their every-so-friendly kart, Toad Kart. What an interesting name. Oh! This just in, I have changed the name of Toad Kart to Sexy Chicken. Good for them!
"Next on the list of people driving and throwing up, is Bowser, who of course is the driver, as no one can break this testosterone, and his son Gregory, the wimpy kid in the back, hurling big shells that obviously did not come from his back. They will be driving today in their Koopa King kart, the bastards.
"The next lovely contestant is Mario, who shall be driving the Green Fire kart and have Daisy try to hold on in a desperate attempt to kill as many onlookers as possible. Let's hope they aren't stashing drugs in their trunk.
"Following those silly geese, there are Wario and Waluigi, the driver and item thrower respectively, and they will be riding the long, hard, and shiny Wario Car. Now, it has come to my attention that Waluigi is gay, so I'm hoping he has a special item to throw, like a perverse sex toy or something. Not that I would like that or anything....
"Anyway, we continue with Petey Piranha driving the silver Boo Pipes around, with his kidnapped convict Donkey Kong crying in the rear. The poor big boy must have been raped and molested for ours last night, and now he is completely broken up, not able to throw anything out the kart.
"His 'nephew' that probably came out his ass and also known as Diddy Kong will be driving his new husband/wife thing, the koopa troopa in his very own Barrel Train. Good for them, getting hitched right before a new race begins. Gee, I hope they don't get nervous and start to make mad love in the front seat....
"Continuing, we have the two annoying baby children, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi playing with the stolen Bullet Basher and riding it all day long. Baby Mario will drive whilst Baby Luigi flings poo at the other contenders.
"Second to last, and probably least, is Yoshi driving his pride and joy, the Turbo Birdo. He crafted it himself, because he is insane and wants to shoot his man juices all over the poor, lonely Birdo, who is the evil villain in almost every game ever and has suddenly become a good person. She will be hurling eggs that randomly hatch from her nose at random people, probably killing a lot of random celebrities.
"Finally, we have the losers, King Boo, who is very pretty and the item thrower, and its new-found lover paratroopa, who will drive and hand over all of his rock-hard nuts, also known as shells to have massaged and ejaculated from the kart. Yeah, that's it.
"Here we go, beginning out on Luigi's raceway and ready for the race to begin! Let's not get too much gore here today on this fine afternoon. Okay, they look pumped up and ready to blow. Here we go, the horns are blaring and I have a full erection. Well, time to jerk the party stick! Good-bye, and enjoy the show."
Down on the track, the racers were sweating with intense want for violence and winning. The cloud- hanging Lakitu floated by, holding the stop light thing. It flashed red, then yellow, then green. The race began with a flash of gasoline and a tiny explosion from Waluigi.
"I'm sorry!" he screamed, causing his kart and Petey's kart to swirl in circles, making them dead last for the beginning. Wario laughed at his insolence and flew into the race, leaving Petey and Donkey Kong alone, where Petey swiftly touched the genitalia of the huge ape and then raced into action.
Mario laughed at the antics of his nemesis and prepared for the first corner turn on the race track. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shell coming from Diddy Kong's kart. He yelled to Daisy, but she was stoned and couldn't hear a thing. They were hit full force, causing them to fly into the air, allowing passage for the little monkey and his spouse to get into the lead. "Damn you! Damn you both! Damn all three of you!" He stomped on the gas, and was not surprised to hear Luigi squeal at the sight of his car in pain.
"You do know that that is my kart, don't you?" Luigi reached over and kidnapped the poor Princess Daisy and then pushed Mario's kart off the street, laughing. Peach chimed in with her few words of kindness, but they aren't important now. Peach turned into second place, and Luigi aimed a green fireball at Diddy Kong and koopa.
Mario cursed again, and then laughed hysterically at the loss of his partner, who he saw thrown from the kart as a weapon. She splattered all over Toad and Toadette, who were making out in fourth place. They looked at the dead body and screamed, then decided to throw it at fifth place, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi, who immediately began to play with it, after pulling over, of course.
King Boo was crying with glee at the sight of all the destruction, and he tried to lick the seventh place contender, Yoshi, but missed and had an egg thrown down his throat by Birdo. He began to choke and die, then realized he was a ghost and flew threw his kart and onto Yoshi. He giggled and began to bash in his head, spilling some brain juice on the track and then licking it up. Paratroopa yelled for King Boo to come back, since nothing can be done without an item thrower. He did, after pulling out the engine of the Turbo Birdo.
Yoshi looked back at Birdo and told her to push the kart through the finish line. Since she still did not understand, especially since the speaker now had brain damage, she nodded and smiled. Then she was forced to push the kart for the remainder of the race.
In eighth place, Bowser chuckled over his latest prize, a bomb stolen from Wario, who was in ninth place. He handed it to Gregory, and he promptly dropped it, spilling himself and his father all over the track. Bowser screamed and almost bit his son's head clean off when a voice from the gods told him to make love, not war. As it turned out, that was not a godly message, but more of an odd random quote from Waluigi, who passed them and became the new eighth place winners.
Bowser began to cry and hugged his child close. Gregory vomited repeatedly, but couldn't break the hold. He began to lose consciousness, and then started to lose the ability to breathe. He died in his daddy's arms, also crying from lack of oxygen. Poor Gregory. Bowser quickly jumped back on his kart, taking the dead body of his son with him, tied to the rear bumper. He was not in last place yet.
The two actually in last place were Petey and Donkey. Donkey was still crying and using his items on Petey, who would then turn around and slap Donkey hard. Donkey did eventually manage to tear a large hole in Petey's cartilage, and crawled inside to correct the damage something had done to make him a sex predator. Petey never noticed.
"With the first lap done," the announcer said, staring at a large, wet white spot on the glass in front of him, "we have our current standings. Those are as follows: Diddy and koopa in first, Peach and Luigi in second, Mario in third, Toad and Toadette in fourth, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi in fifth, King Boo and paratroopa in sixth, Yoshi and Birdo slowing in seventh, Wario and Waluigi in eighth, and in ninth Bowser and the dead body, and dead last we have Petey and what appears to be a huge cancerous blob shaped like Donkey Kong in his head. Thank you for staying with us this long, and I have some important documents to manage. They are from some sea men..." The announcer trails off and licks the white goo on the announcers window. The race is renewed with Diddy and koopa dodging a rather craftily thrown banana.
"You're good at this," Peach exclaims to Luigi, who nods vigorously, throwing another banana and actually causing the winners to spin.
Diddy screamed obscenities like never before, even inventing new ones just to top the horrid sayings he said. He ended with: "You fucktards!" He shook his fist, gave his spouse a hard kiss on the lips and hopped on his kart, ready for action.
Now in first place, Peach and Luigi were quite content. They began to sing show tunes, like the theme to Into the Woods and that cool pop, six song from Chicago, and that nice little Cabaret tune from Cabaret. Anyway, they were winning, so they did whatever the freak they wanted.
Diddy, not happy with second place, starts flinging poo all over the track, since that is what angry monkeys are prone to do in these situations. Well, he has horrible aim, and actually manages to drive into his own poop build-up on the track. He crashes, and nearly drowns in the stool. He gets back on his kart though, and he tries to battle through the shit, now in third place.
Yes, Mario was able to slide past him in a last minute shuffle of his feet. He actually picked up his kart and jumped over the poop wad, yelling at the enraged Diddy in the process. Then he cheered, as he was in second and could fawn over Peach with no interruptions from his drugged out dead partner.
Toad was not as lucky, and while he was making out with is girlfriend, he slammed into Diddy's kart, spitting up blood in Toadette's mouth. He has lost a tooth in the crash. He jumped out of the car and stomped over to Diddy, still stuck in his fecal matter.
"What do you think you are doing here? Get out of that car. Now," he yelled, holding a large shotgun at the monkeys head. "If you don't get out now, I will have to shoot you." The monkey only sat there, pooping in his pants again. "Fine," Toad says, shooting a tire on the kart. "I wouldn't actually kill you, idiot! I'm well too nice. Tata!"
Toad jumps back into the kart and rides over the drying poop. Toadette asks, "What was that about?" And she swallows that tooth.
"Stop asking questions, woman!" Toad yells, shoving his gun in his pants, and then making out some more with his girl, still driving.
Diddy cries in anguish, looking behind him and screaming as two more karts come whizzing by the shit hole. "You shall not pass!" he cried, shaking his fist and shoving both feet on the accelerator. They don't pay attention, due to Baby Mario is playing with Daisy's decapitated head, practicing kissing, and Baby Luigi is reading up on child psychology, and King Boo was piercing his tongue, and paratroopa was busy driving.
Baby Mario pees on Diddy as he flies by, magically catching a rainbow over the poop pile. Diddy screams in agony, the pain of defeat. Paratroopa is nicer, and gives King Boo some shells to throw, which he does, postponing his tongue piercing. Diddy begins to bleed, and then becomes a spouse beater, hitting the koopa repeatedly for no reason at all. Oh, and paratroopa used his wings to get over the pile of turd.
Koopa screamed at Diddy for a divorce, which was never to be, for they were in sixth place and no divorce lawyer would arrive there until the race is over, in the next chapter. Diddy cries again, and gets out of the kart, finally pushing it out of the defecation pile. He is in a trance, and drives his poop covered vehicle slowly toward the finish line, one tire dead. So he rapes his spouse's shell to use as a wheel.
Birdo is slowly making progress through the race, pushing with all her might, and starting to bleed with her muscles taut. She begins to chant a Chinese slave song, and then realizes that she can make an engine out of an egg from her nose. She willed one be, and then began to mold it into an engine. Yoshi was wondering why they weren't moving, and he inquired about it to Birdo, who only nodded and smiled, complete with her task. She ran up to the front of the kart and shoved the engine in, happy. Yoshi stares at her and then plants a huge lick on her face. She flinches and is paralyzed. Yoshi tried to bring her back, but she is nearly run over by Bowser and the dead boy riding recklessly towards them. The fear of Bowser's laughter causes Yoshi to be paralyzed, and they both stay there until Wario and Waluigi also pass, and then they wake up from a bomb to the head.
Birdo hops in the back, and Yoshi hops in the front, and together, they drive off toward the finish line, getting much better time. Wario is laughing menacingly, and Birdo finds some pleasure in throwing televisions at him whenever his mouth is open, since he doesn't notice the foreign object lodged in his throat. Waluigi is too timid to bring it up, so he just laughs with him, trying not to notice the televisions flying into his friend's mouth. Or wide open trap.
Suddenly, Wario stops driving, since the twenty-seven televisions have closed off his trachea and he can no longer breathe. Waluigi give him the Heimlich and mouth to mouth resuscitation, giggling with pleasure. It wasn't enough to bring them up a placing, though. Yoshi swerved ahead of them in seconds flat.
Petey is upset at being in tenth, and last, place. He starts to get blurry eyed and then decides to drain his feelings with some alcohol. So he does, and then they crash into a brick wall with Luigi's smiling face on it. Petey is upset again, but after the fiftieth bottle of alcoholic beverage, he got better.
So, they all pass the finish line at separate times, blah, blah, blah. Nothing eventful happened for the final lap, and nobody wants to listen to the same thing happening to these goofs again, so we won't. There was a lot of cursing, passing, punching, drinking, and whoring, but nothing really important. The ten karts, and twenty racers eagerly awaited the final results of the first race.
The announcer, barely visible through the sea of man-juices filling the booth, begins to speak, happy for the end of the show. "Well, the first race is over, and thank you Luigi Raceway for such a fabulous race! That poop wall was quite interesting, I must say. Anyway, one of you ten couples will not return to this damned thing the second time. Good job, idiots!
"I feel that it is time to announce the winners, since that is what announcers do! Yes, here it goes! In first place, is the amazing Peach and her partner of mass destruction, Luigi! Good job, you two. The fight is worth it, dears! Second place is the wonderful Mario! And his partner was drugged out, and then robbed from the kart, beaten, decapitated, and I believe blown to pieces. The poor bitch. Good job, Mario and your drugged, deceased friend.
"Third houses Toad, the pimp man, and Toadette, the whore woman. Okay, so they are nice people, but really, they are bosses to the underworld of prostitution. Well, they worked well to get in third place, so great for you! Fourth place is the two Baby children, Luigi and Mario. But they have diapers and bigger hats. Naked, gross, poopy, nudity, and poop. Okay, they smelled and played their way to fourth, and I am proud of them.
"And in fifth, leading the second half of losers, would be Paratroopa and King Boo, who was not successful with that tongue piercing. Yeah, he can't talk any longer, poor pussy-face. Wow...that sounds good. Hey! Slave! Get me that girl's dead body, will you? Thanks! Anyway, people, here are your fifth placers! And the sixth placed stupid monkey who flings poo and his 'special friend' should die next. Anyway, good for you four, for being failures.
"Oh, thank you ever so much, slave." The announcer takes off his pants, and then rapes Daisy's dead body. A lot. Really. It is quite gross, especially since there is blood everywhere and there is no head. So...yeah...and then he explodes and there are more man-juices and blood everywhere in the booth, the weirdo. "Oh, yeah, I forgot. Seventh is Bowser and his dead child, eighth is Yoshi and Birdo."
Bowser screamed at the announcer guy. "My son is not dead! He fell asleep from all the excitement! He can't die! Not while I'm watching over him like the plague!"
The announcer continued. "Okay, and we go on to ninth place, which is..." Suspense. "Wario and Waluigi! And Wario is alive now! No more televisions down that trap! No, none at all. And in tenth, the losers, are Petey Piranha. And that cancerous wart on his head. Great, he'll die. Woot. That's why he is kicked out forever! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHFAILUREHAHAHAHAAHFUCKYOUTURDHAHA!"
Yay! The race is over! At least the first one, as there will be more. Duh. So, the freaking story continues, and the next chapter will have no race, but the resting period in between races. Yeah, I lied. Screw you, too. But in a loving way, of course. I love all of you! Let's...never mind, that is too graphic. So, good day until next time!