Chapter 3: The World of Sleeping
Peach was sleeping, as was her partner, Luigi. They were both wearing pink and had just finished playing a new game called "Let's dress like women and pretend to be lesbians who are really high and like to play with each other while still wearing pink dresses because no one can know that we are closeted lesbians fondling each other game". It was Luigi's idea.
Her glove off, Peach moved, still sleeping, but without one glove. She was quite happy to have won the race, and she treasured her dream of sleeping and dreaming about sleeping and dreaming and winning. She woke and pulled her glove back on her arm, since it is unnatural to have her arm showing. It's impossible.
"Wow! What a splendid day!" Removing a frying pan from her dress, she slapped Luigi over the head, causing a little spurt of blood to shoot out of his smiling mouth and land on Toad who was passing by. He cursed, gave them the finger, and then peed on the mailbox. Toadette was also there, and she watched him urinate, commented on how 'big' he was, and then commenced to perform various unmentionable things on him.
Luigi woke, his eyes very wide from the strike and laughed for no reason, showing his reddened smile. "Hello, Peach! What a great day, huh?" he said, shaking and swaying. Standing and falling down, unconscious.
"You bastard!" Peach yelled, slapping him and screaming. Tears poured down her face and she wailed unhappily, disturbing the sexy sex that was occurring by the mailbox. Eventually, through the tears and sex, Toadette stopped pleasuring and walked up to the princess, a little bow-legged due to random something that she had done in the recent past.
She raised a paw and asked politely, "You fucking bitch! What the hell do you think you're doing, fucktard? Shut your fucking face and then shove it up your ass, since that's what you're going to do! Damn it all to fucking hell! Could you please stop wailing about your period and SHUT THE FUCK UP?!"
Quickly, Peach cried, was shot with fake breast implants, and then passed out, tired and scared. She was in the fetal position, very, very frightened of the violent Toadette.
Toadette, on the other hand, briskly skipped back to her lover, who was angrily masturbating due to his lack of sex at that moment. He was holding a magazine picturing naked power tools.
"What're you doing, big boy?"
"I'm…uh…" Toad stuttered, trying to hide his naughty magazine. There was nowhere to put it, so he placed it gently (via shoving) up his butt, squealing in pain. "Nothing…nothing at all…"
Silence.
Toad broke it with a hammer and said, "Let's have sex!"
"Okay!"
Naked! Sex! Gross, grotesque sweater wearing she-monkeys with huge knockers that play chess!
Mario stared at his dead partner. Not actually the whole body, since parts were still missing around the short track of Luigi Raceway. "Poor Daisy…" he mourned. "You were so young and…not as good as Peach."
He then commenced to remove his pants and then stood with a full erection, since dead bodies turned him on. In the coffin, waiting and hiding, were only three body parts. The torso, half the head, and an arm. The left one, actually. "I'm sorry about this, dead body of Daisy. But I'm going to have to have necrophilia sex with you, as long as you're wearing this Peach mask I made with my own vomit. Yes, vomit. I was trying to lose weight."
Mario removed the soggy Peach mask from his undies and shoved it over the dead half-face of Daisy. Blood seeped onto the pretty vomit and Mario laughed for no reason. He then commenced gross, disgusting sex with the legless body, pretending full-heartedly that it was Peach and not a cold cadaver.
The two babies crawled over themselves, trying to eat their own asses. It was not very successful, and they settled to just licking each other's anuses. It was fun, and just learned that it may be called 69, which makes sense.
"You're butt is smelly!" Baby Mario cried out to Baby Luigi.
Baby Luigi returned the favor and pooped a diarrhea-like bile from his butt, covering all of Baby Mario. Baby Mario smiled and then commenced licking madly, trying to eat it all, because it was good.
"Thank you, Baby Luigi!"
"You're welcome. The pressure was too much." Suddenly, Baby Luigi stopped licking and then laid back, sleeping. It is a pattern to have babies and Luigis sleep, so yes. His snoring wakes a bug-monster in the hills of Switzerland and that monster comes bounding by and attempts to kill the two babies, but is stopped by something.
That something may have very well been a vomit emitted from Baby Luigi's mouth or his nose, or possibly the fact that Baby Mario managed to crawl into the beast through one of his smallest orifice, one that should not have things go inside, and also made a living by urinating. Or maybe not. No one knows. There.
The babies wake, get out of the dead beast and then cry, because they are kind of cute when they cry. The tears make waterfalls of salty water flying around everywhere, wetting everything and causing severe drowning in Mongolia. Then, the two criers learn to make each other drink their own tears, and they are happy, which stops the tears. They are puzzled.
They cry.
Then they stop, happy, since they are now drinking their own tears. Then they start again.
The cycle goes on forever. They just don't get it.
The hurt King Boo, holding his tongue, held his tongue. And he was tearing. Only a little, because he was a strong individual, and refused to cry for long. His lovely partner, Paratroopa, flapped his wings and then stared at himself in the full-length mirror, kissing the reflection.
"Miyash toushgie," wailed King Boo. He was trying to say 'my tongue', but failed miserably because it (his tongue) was bleeding off. And then, it fell out. King Boo screamed very loudly.
Paratroopa, pissed that his gorgeous body was just shaken by a loud tremor through the air, shot his shell at the wailing King, and then put it back on and gawked longer at his voluptuous body.
The poor, large boo fell to the floor, sitting in a pool of ghost blood and ghost urine. He frantically tried to get his tongue to stick back in his mouth, but it didn't really work, since it fell out again. And again. And again. So he used glue! Hair glue! It stung!
Paratroopa, above the stupid King's gallivanting, began to get this warm feeling while staring endlessly at his reflection. He was so turned on…that he…and then he…oh…yeah…that is what…really good….yes…oh yeah….
And then! King Boo, with his tongue back in his mouth, will forever speak with an 'sh' for all vowels. "Sh gsht sht! Thshnk thsh gshds! Sh lshvsh thshs!" He jumped up and did a small jig of happiness, oblivious of the sex in the background and the blood dripping out of his mouth.
And they lived happily forever after!
Petey, being the mad floating thing, floated madly with his tumor on his brain, eating away. He was gripping a coconut, and gripping it madly while floating. Floating, he was mad with tumor-ism.
Anyway, the tumor formerly known as Donkey Kong began to sing, which was horrendous, much like other things that changed their names. The brain that was acting as a microphone began to pound and blood soaked the mouth of Tumor.
The song got louder and louder and louder and louder and louder and louder and louder and etc. etc.
Petey began to madly float and pick flowers happily. Slash madly. Picking flowers. Anyway.
His head blew up. Tumor, which is his new name, flew out happily singing, and then stopped when he furiously hit the ground, in a bloody heap of brain matter.
"I feel pretty," Tumor said to himself, swimming in the brain goo. "Let's go party!"
He grabbed the carcass of Petey and danced wildly away, all the while whistling a wonderful song. He skipped while dancing while whistling while pooping. All the while happy.
In the dark, pretty, fiery castle, Bowser held his dead son Gregory in one hand. "Oh, son…Aren't you happy that we didn't lose?"
Gregory, dead, did not respond.
"I know you are! What's that?" He holds up the carcass to his ear. "What boy? Huh? Tea? You want some tea? Okay! Whatever you want!"
Jumping to his feet, he clenches his fists, crunching Gregory and causing the last remaining blood in his poor little body to erupt through the small slits of fingers. "Damn…" Bowser mutters.
"Why in all fuck did this happen to me!?" He throws his arms in the air and screams in pain.
Then, a pink fairy flies down and strips for him! He is happy, until the fairy speaks.
"You, good sir, are not a good sir!"
"What the hell? Stop talking, bitch! Take off your clothes!"
"I certainly will not! Pig! Whore!"
"I am not a whore! If I were a whore, then I would be having steamy sex with you right now!"
"Well, why aren't you?"
"I..uh…" He then has steamy sex with the fairy.
"Why the hell did you do that to me?"
"You asked me to!" He was puzzled.
"I did no such thing!"
"Why aren't you stripping?"
"Because I am not a whore like you!"
"If I were a whore, then I would be having so much sex with you that I would be shooting blanks for a week!"
"Well?"
He then has so much steamy sex with the pink fairy that he shoots blanks for a week, not that this is taking that long, since a week would have already taken one race, so there.
"Why did you do that to me?"
"Didn't you like it?"
"That's not the point!"
"You are asking for it big time, bitchy-yang-yang."
"What?"
Bowser kills her. Then he surveys the room and noticed everything upturned except for the body of Gregory, which was stuck on the upturned leg of a chair.
"Why are you watching me like that? Freaky!" He then torches the body, notices the crispy outer layer and then eats him. "Ah…good times…"
Yoshi, quite angry that they had lost, threw many a things at Birdo. She dodged them, or let them enter her nose/mouth and then shot them right back at him. She didn't understand his loud rants, so she added some of her own, and then vomited eggs at his face. Yoshi was even more angry. So, this continues for a while and nothing happens, so goodbye.
Diddy, quite angry that they had lost, threw many a things at Koopa Troopa. He dodged them, or let them hit the divorce documents he held firmly in his hand. He didn't understand his loud rants, so he held out the felt-tip pen to make the monkey sign. Diddy was even more angry at that. So, it continues, until Koopa Troopa cries in his shell, huddled in the fetal position and knowing his curse of being a battered wife.
"My esophagus feels better!" Wario wailed too loudly, for he has no control over his voice.
"That's so good!" Waluigi snapped his hand out and patted Wario's plump buttocks, then snapped his hand back.
"What the hell?" Wario looked around suspiciously and noticed no one around. "Who touched my ass?"
"Nobody here, so you imagined it." Waluigi shrugged, then waited for Wario to continue walking. He then spanked him again.
"What!" He snapped back, but he was too late to see Waluigi's hands of evil.
"No one is here, so don't worry. I'm sure it will never happen again."
"Good." Wario began to walk slower, for no reason. "Give me some salami."
Waluigi, thinking very hard about sex, misconstrued his order with that of his juicy man salami. With a quick jerk, he gave Wario his salami. Wario did not take to it.
"Hot damn!" He yelled. Then he calmed…and…he…sighed with pleasure.
Waluigi sighed with greater pleasure. "Oh…that was great…"
"Yeah…I mean…No! That was crap! It will never happen again!" Wario ran (Slowly, because of his shape) back to the house and drank himself to sleep. Waluigi sighed and slept without his dosage of alcohol.
Everyone collected their next slip of paper telling them where the next race would be. They were excited. So excited. And then they died, but not really. So, there are kinda less than twenty racers less, so no one is eliminated. And they may have to hook up with new partners…but that will happen later.
Author's Note: Sorry for the huge delay, but I am trying to work on a lot of crap (AKA school papers) and this technically comes second to English class! But…I want you to know…that…I…love you! No, I lust for you!
Not really! HAH! I joked you! Meaning! Is! Something! That made no sense…