Starbuck had been tired; once she laid her head on his chest, he was out. She listened to his heartbeat, before shifting in his arms so she was on her side. Starbuck rolled with her, keeping her close. Looking at him completely relaxed as he slept deeply, she was reminded that he wasn't nearly as old as he pretended to be. Reaching up, she moved the hair out of his face, noting that even by Adama's lax standards he was overdue for a haircut. She hoped he could avoid it for a few more sectons. She liked his hair this long. It softened his features and made him look even younger than he was.

He acted older than he was, taking on the role of protector when he wedded her. As much as she wished it were otherwise, she knew it was aging him. Or it could be all he had dealt with in the last few cycles, a long range patrol followed by a late night in the OC, then their tumultuous day. He hadn't gotten much sleep lately, which he desperately needed as he was dealing with his own issues and injuries from Caprica. The nightmares weren't every night, but he still was having them. It didn't help that there were too many trips to the Life Center where he tried to hide how it made his hands shake. Now he was the Strike Wing Captain with the enemy sniffing them out, and that kept him up nights as well.

Added to that were the duties that were so very new to him, being a Dad. He'd begun his day dealing with Kiff. The kid was a handful, had been since the day he was born, and she lost her temper with him often. Not Starbuck. He had the patience for him, answering all his questions, while also helping with Kalea and Leia. Suddenly Rene remembered that first night they were on the Galactica, how Starbuck had accepted that she had children, took them in as his own. He'd stepped up and taken little Leia as his own ward without having even seen her. Not many men could have done that.

He wasn't just good with the little ones; he managed the older kids with ease. He'd seen Cain off, giving the boy a warrior's welcome to the service, and he'd dealt with Jason too, arguing his case for becoming a pilot.

Starbuck was becoming the father figure he'd never had himself. That's what had just happened there with Jake. Starbuck, the fatherless orphan, had just given her friend the validation Jake had been desperately seeking from almost every man in his life. Not only that, but Starbuck had also reached out and held Jake. That took some bravery, she knew. Her friend was not an easy person to like, let alone love. But Starbuck was trying.

She gently touched his face, and in his sleep, he turned into the touch. How was she going to explain to him the miracle he had performed? Starbuck had cracked Jake's armor, and he did it just by being himself.

And what had he done for her just by being Starbuck? Her plan back when she first set foot on the Galactica was to get in good with a Colonial of high rank, get some codes so she could control this beast of a ship and coerce Adama into rescuing her people from Dante, or at least keep Dante from slaughtering the Command staff and taking the Galactica for his own. The plan should have worked, but then along came Starbuck.

He had turned the plan to felgercarb. But it was the best kind of felgercarb, she admitted as she gazed at his handsome face. He'd found a way to make all her plans happen, just like he promised he would. While not perfect, He had tried to keep every promise he made, and that alone took her breath away. Or was it the fact, a clear and honest truth, that he would have done all that even if they weren't a couple.

But they were together. She was still here. The walls that had once felt like they were closing in and caging her, felt like…home. He had made these nondescript quarters on a warship feel safe. She had thought that would be impossible, but Starbuck had done what his friends thought was impossible. He had even gotten sealed.

With her.

A nobody girl from nowhere.

She'd landed on his flight deck and he had immediately given her his amazing smile. He made it hard to think sometimes.

It was crazy that his biggest concern some days was that she was cheating on him! The handsomest man in the fleet who could have anyone! Rene saw the way the women looked at him, especially when they were on the Rising Star or anywhere in the fleet. Yet Starbuck brushed it off and kept hold of her hand. He'd been by her side from the beginning.

She knew men. She knew that none of them were faithful. She never thought she could keep Starbuck all her own, and yet, here he was, all hers. The only woman she'd seen him even react to was Cassiopeia, and that might have more to do with the yahrens they had been a couple. He and Cassie had a connection having met during the destruction, and she understood that. Her own jealousy about Cassiopeia had nothing to do with Starbuck being tempted, and more to do with her admiring the woman who had been somebody in the Colonies and was definitely somebody here in the fleet. Cassie was smart and beautiful.

Rene was none of that. She'd been damaged goods before the destruction. Dante wasn't wrong when he called her trash. He and his officers had used and abused her. She was worse than trash, a Sewer Rat.

But Starbuck didn't see her that way. He treated her like an equal. No, better than that. He took care of her, protected her. All she had to do was hint that she wanted something, and he was moving the whole fleet to make it happen. She blushed in shame that it had taken her so long to trust him. It wasn't his fault that she had been burned too many times. He had taken on the challenge of showing her that he could be trusted. He'd held the secrets she told him. He was loyal and true. And how had she repaid him? She had dragged him all the way back to Caprica and almost gotten them killed, and not once had he blamed her. Because of her he had landed in a Cylon cell. He'd been tortured and yet that wasn't what gave him nightmares. It was that she had been in danger that made him wake up sweating. She couldn't take that away and yet, he had fixed so much in her. He calmed the aches inside her, stopped the shakes. He was her escape from this messed up life and he helped to numb the pain. She was sober, give or take a pill or two, and hadn't wanted to drown herself in poison in a long time. Because of him.

He was so much better than drugs. He was hopes and dreams and the future and she didn't know how to tell him what he meant to her. It was frightening to realize how much she needed him. She was suddenly terrified of losing this handsome husband she didn't deserve. It hurt to look at him, and she shifted, rolling away from him, but instinctively he shifted too, curling around her protectively.

She tried to let the fear wash over her as she listened to Jake settling Kiff for the night and shutting off the lamp beside him. Starbuck was here now and the day she'd find the flight deck missing his viper wasn't today.

Jolly got up from his chair to reach for the lamp near her bed, but she stopped him. "We leave it on. It gets too dark without it." She couldn't face that darkness tonight.

Jolly just nodded, moving back to his chair, pulling out a datapad. She watched him read, grateful he was there.

She didn't remember drifting off, only that the chrono alarm was ringing and Starbuck was reaching over her to shut it off, then whispering in her ear. "Need to wake up, pretty lady. Need to see your eyes open for a little bit."

"Why?" she whined, wishing she could go back to the dream she'd been having of her and Starbuck and a bottle of Proteus Ambrosia they were drinking in a cloud of plant vapors on a beach where the pebbles glowed in the sunset.

"I can't live without those beautiful blue eyes in my life," he said, shaking her. "Come on, I need you to talk to me and then we can go back to sleep."

She opened her eyes, mumbling, "You are really needy, you know that, pretty boy? What time is it?"

"Mid sleep cycle. Tell me about working with Peryton. How did that go?"

She didn't answer at first, trying to grab at the wisps of her dream and what she had been thinking before she fell asleep, something that was pleasant, yet frightening, and she couldn't remember what it was other than it was important.

He shook her gently, "Come on pretty lady. Make my dreams come true and talk to me."

"Fine," she mumbled, opening her eyes, taking in his perfect sky blue gaze. "You know you're too handsome to deny you anything."

"Stop tempting me and tell me about how it went with Wilker and Peryton." He casts his eyes over to Jolly who was snoring in a chair with his back resting against the door to their chamber.

If the room weren't so crowded, she could show him what he meant to her, but it was. At first she couldn't remember why Jolly was there, then it bloomed in her head as she recalled the surprise punch to the face, a fist the size of her head plowing into her eye.

Before that, she told herself as if her brain was a vid console. "Uh, yeah, Wilker is trying to figure out how precise I can navigate and Peryton thinks we can just create wormholes and suck things into them and he wants to give it a try soon."

"How is he going to do that?" he asked, reaching across her to reset his chrono alarm.

"I go out, create a rift and we see what happens."

"You can't fly. The baby." He set his chrono back on the bedside table, before pulling her into his arms.

"I can fly. Launch tubes are a problem, but if I do it from the bay, it shouldn't be a problem."

"You've lost a baby before. I'd like you to not lose this one too." His hand reached down to her belly, as if to emphasize his point.

"You do know it wasn't flying that made me lose Kenan's baby, right?" She felt his arms stiffen and felt him will them to relax again. Her head had to be scrambled to have mentioned the death as she knew he was a big softie. He didn't like to hear of the losses that her and her friends had suffered. His reactions to their past were either rage with nowhere to vent it because he wasn't there to save them, or deep sorrow that had him taking on extra chores and casting them concerned and pitying glances. It was sweet, really, and also annoying as all hades. After all, it was what it was, and they weren't the only ones in the fleet dealing with grief.

He pulled her in a little tighter, and she didn't miss the tremor that shook his arms. He had an overactive imagination, envisioning things worse than they had been. He kissed her cheek before whispering, "No, I don't know. You don't tell me much about that part of your life. You do know I'm not jealous of dead boyfriends, right? What right do I have to that when you are dealing with my live ones at every Life Center visit."

So it would be rage this time, and despite his words to the contrary, she knew damn well that he was more than a little jealous of her dead partner. She couldn't blame him; it was hard to compete with what could have been, when what was before them wasn't an ideal situation. She tried not to tense up as he did, opting for a distraction to shift some of the emotions.

"Jake is still seeing her," she pulled back a little checking his eyes for a flash of jealousy, not surprised when she found it there just for a moment before he looked away.

"Good for him. She's a good person. If it wasn't flying, then why did you lose the baby?"

A distraction in exchange for a distraction, and she resisted her own stab of jealousy. He hadn't resolved his issues with Cassiopea. At least he knew they dogged her heels with every visit to the Life Center. What Starbuck didn't know is the lengths Jake went to hide his time with Cassie. Someday he would need to deal with those issues, if for no other reason than to keep the fragile truce he had with Jake. For now, Rene let him have the distraction.

"Agenor beat the pogees out of me."

Starbuck's eyes quickly shifted back to her, a new fire raging in them. "What? Why?"

"Because he could," Rene shrugged. "Who was going to stop him?"

"Jake didn't do something about it?" Starbuck instinctively looked to her friend, sound asleep on the couch with Kalea in his arms, Kiff on the floor beside him.

Rene shook her head. "Hey now, you know that he would have tried to do something had he been there. He was on a long range patrol. Probably for the best. He's no match for Agenor."

"Neither are you. You still think that's who hit you this time?"

"I didn't really see who hit me, but the hands felt familiar as they were squeezing my throat. I don't know. But that's why the baby came early. Agenor punched me pretty hard in the stomach, a couple of times. I went into early labor and the baby only lived a few days. It wasn't flying. I can do that with no problems."

His arms tightened around her again as he pulled her into his chest, his chin on the top of her head, where she knew he felt like he was watching her back. "Not without me. We had a deal where it comes to that special power of yours."

"I know. I didn't forget. Peryton knows that."

"I don't want you flying. He can wait." Starbuck's hand reached down to rub her stomach, one of the babies responding to the pressure shifted. He pulled back, his eyes gleaming with delight at having caught it. "See, he agrees."

"She," Rene corrected him, "The enemy is closing in. I could help. Plus, what I can do could shorten our trip by yahrens. I want her, or him, to know what sunshine feels like."

"On that we can agree. But what I want is for you and all the kids to be safe. We can talk about it more in the morning. Let's get some more sleep."

He pulled her to him again, and she knew he wouldn't talk about it in the morning. But it was hard to be angry with his strong arms around her. Had he been on Dilmun, he would have taken on Agenor. Maybe with all the rage he had inside, he'd have won. At least it would have been interesting to see. But being only half Agneor's size, he wouldn't have won that fight. She did have faith though that Starbuck would have found a way to deal with Agenor, and Belus and Pallus, and maybe even Dante. Starbuck had a way with words. He also had a way with explosives.

She called up her visions of revenge, her own version of a bedtime story. She had those in her mind too, Starbuck by her side as they attacked the base on Dilmun. She couldn't remember all that happened. It was a convoluted blur. She remembered being in a cell and Starbuck taking the lash, but she wasn't sure that was her memory or what Crius had filled in for her. She clearly recalled Agenor picking up Starbuck by the neck, shaking him like a dagget, and her, shooting Agenor in the face, his features obliterated.

Starbuck had to fill in for her what happened to Dante. The only thing she could recall from that moment was the heat of the blast and the smell of blood. It was her last thought as she fell into the rhythm of Starbuck's breaths and the warm embrace of sleep.

She dreamed she was flying through the black velvet of space, her viper cutting smoothly through the stars. She flew over the Zakar, watching as one of the cruiser's engines sputtered and died after taking a hit from the Sphinx. It was a scene from a vid, as the two battlecruisers slugged it out, guns firing, both scoring direct hits on the engines. The Zakar was winning as fires blazed on the Sphinx.

Hitting her turbos, she sped away from the scene as if some part of her mind knew she hadn't been part of that fight. She only had the story that Crius told one night over homemade hootch. She flew over the dead engine, heading for the ships that followed, military and civilian, less than two dozen. She rolled her craft to the right and dipped below the heavily built destroyer. It was an ugly thing, covered in scorch marks, bulky with extra plates to deflect blasts. She swore she could feel the heat of the blast it launched now at a Cylon base star and she spun away, heading for the civilian ships that followed. Her comm crackled with orders to form up above the Zakar, but she ignored the order, as she often did during a fight. She only listened to her Captain and her wingman, both those voices clear in her comm to form up at the rear and save as many as they could.

Off to her starboard side was the sleek modern civilian yacht that liked to tuck in under the destroyer. It was large, over 50 metrons. She had always wanted to see what it looked like inside, owned by just one family. It had been a common fantasy on the Zakar, wondering what it was like to be so rich you could own a personal space yacht. Why didn't they think of that when they were on Caprica? They could have stolen a private vessel and headed for deep space. But she didn't know how to fly then. Ari hadn't even made it that far in the academy. Should she thank Dante for the lessons? No, it was Crius who taught them.

But the private yacht was unarmed when it left the colonies, a large target. If it weren't for Dante providing protection, it wouldn't have made it past the void.

Their Commander had not allowed many of them to see inside that yacht, fearful maybe that they'd get ideas they could take off on their own. They could mount some guns on her and live in luxury. She willed her viper to make another pass over the luxury liner, before aiming for the other civilian ships. But it was a dream as her craft was slow to respond and went where it wanted, back to the Zakar. She was able to check her coordinates before the scanner lit up with enemy contact.

And just like the dream changed, she was in the launch tube, waiting for battle, feeling the sweat crawl down her neck, her fingers twitching in anticipation for the order. With fear as her wingman, it always took too long. It wasn't her death she worried about but that of her friends, her family, and that worry rode with her too. Then the order to launch came. Shooting out into the dark, facing the enemy, and knocking them down was a nightmare she had lived too many times.

In her dreams as in life, it was always the pinwheel that caught her, forcing her viper to dive as they zeroed in on her. Dropping to Dilmun and through cloud covers, she saw the viper next to her sparking, before bursting into flame in the atmosphere. She was there, forcing it up, the screech of metal on metal as she tried to slow its descent, landing in a spray of water and dirt, the two of them in tandem, tumbling into the lake. She was able to pop her canopy and grab her portable fire suppressant, wading through waist deep water to get to his viper. She was able to fight back the flames, to get to the canopy and pry it open. She pulled Ari from the cockpit, unconscious, dragging him as she lost bits of him, reaching to try to hold him together. His body began to disintegrate in the water. By the time she reached the shore, she had just his head that dissolved into vapor as she looked around for help.

Jake was there on the shore, astonishment on his face, and then Nik who cast her an angry glare. Crius shook his head at her in disgust. Max turned away as she implored him for help. Jason stepped forward, wearing a uniform that looked far too large on him as he handed her a blaster. She felt it in her hands, wondering what she was supposed to do with it. Lisbet was there, shaking her head and crying as Crius tried to shield Lisbet from the gory sight.

"Just do it," Crius spoke, but she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do.

Then Starbuck materialized, stepping towards her from the water, grabbing her shoulder and turning her back towards the lake. The smell of blood suffocated her as Starbuck forced her towards the water. The lake had turned red and bubbled as if boiling. Bones were roiling to the surface. Then it began to drain away, heading for the horizon down into a whirlpool in the distance. In the whirling red she saw that Ari was floating on his back, spinning, before coming to rest on the empty lakebed. She began to go to him, her boots sinking into the wet sand,

She looked down at her feet confused, trying to pull her boots from the bloody mud. Then her ears were assaulted by a loud blast. Her head snapped up as she watched Ari's body torn apart by an explosion. She struggled to go to him, crying out as she waded through the mud, falling down beside him. The mud turned to hard stone and walls shot up around them. His torso was a mess of blood and shattered bone, and other parts she didn't want to try to identify. He struggled to breathe, weakly coughing blood. His eyes were the only thing that seemed whole about him. He recognized her and reached out for her. His hand was covered in blood. Missing a finger, he tried to sign to her to do it. He signed it again before attempting to sign 'please", but his hand fell to his chest, dropping into an open wound. Groaning in misery, his eyes locked onto hers. She felt the grip of her blaster, then looked down, wondering how it had wound up in her hand. Ari's breath rattled as he whispered "Please," and she brought the blaster up to the side of his head. He nodded and closed his eyes.

The blaster in her hand felt solid and real and permanent. Suddenly Starbuck was by her side. In confusion, she looked to Starbuck as he laid his hand around her shoulders, sorrow darkening his features. He shook his head no, but she had pulled her index finger, the motion feeling instinctual. There was little resistance as the trigger responded and the sound echoed.

She woke to the smell of gore, the explosion ringing in her ears. She choked on her screams as bile rose along with her sobs. She dove for the edge of the bed, hanging her head as the contents of her stomach came spilling out. The smell of blood was overpowering, and she struggled to clear her throat, coughing on the bile.

A hand was on her back, calling to her, "Rene? You're okay. You're okay." The panicked voice did nothing to reassure her as she scrambled from the bed, getting to her feet, confused by her surroundings. Where was Ari's body? Where was she? The rumbling deck plates under her bare feet were not what she expected. She spun around, not recognizing the room. On a ship, but it wasn't the Zakar.

"Rene?"

She zeroed in on Jake's voice, turning to find him. She choked on the smell of blood, taking a step towards Jake before spinning around again. Where was Ari? Where was she?

"Over here," Jake called to her, as another voice called her name, "Rene, you're okay"

She was not okay. The voice was a lie. She spun, found Jake and took the steps into his arms, collapsing from the weight of what she had done. She screamed from the pain of it, falling to her knees as he tried to hold onto her. She was drowning in it, unable to breathe around the words that tumbled out of her. "I shot him! I fraking shot him. I shot him!" She screamed her confession, but he didn't understand. He hadn't been there. He hadn't seen the mess of blood and bone and guts that had been her brother. "I shot him!" she gasped, trying to breathe.

"Slow down," Jake said calmly, his hand rubbing her back as she tried to swallow the sour taste in her mouth.

"I shot him," she gasped again, but he wasn't understanding. And once he did understand, he would hate her. He should hate her.

She pushed away, only to feel more hands reaching for her.

"Rene, you're okay. I'm here."

She spun away from the hands, but they held tight. "Rene, it's me, Starbuck. You're okay."

Looking up at his words, she focused on his face, recognized him, but she wasn't seeing him as he was now. She saw him, as he was that day on Dilmun, the look of shock on his face covered in the spray of blood. The double vision made her stomach acid rise again. Pulling away from his hands, she turned heading for the turbo, needing to get away before he knew, before anyone knew what she had done.

She found herself over the commode, puking until she was dry heaving, Starbuck's hands rubbing her back and holding back her hair as she sobbed. Her guts ached. The heaving finally subsided, and she sat back, exhausted, wishing she could just die. She looked down at the mess before her, the blood and bone that had once been her brother. Her hand was holding the blaster, her finger pulling the trigger as she cried out.

The cold cloth to her face brought her back to the room. Jake ran it across her face again. "I'm here," he said, and she shook her head. He didn't understand. Oh Lords, he didn't understand. She reached for him, staying his hand. "I shot him."

"What are you talking about Rene?"

"Ari. I shot Ari. I shot him. I fraking shot him."

Jake pulled back, nodding before he looked behind him at Starbuck. "I need you to secure our weapons. Yours too."

"What?" Starbuck answered in confusion, leaning down, trying to come to her, but she shook her head no, the sob bursting forth at the concerned look on his face. Oh lords, she had shot him, and Starbuck knew she did it. He knew.

"No, no, no, no," she couldn't stop as she began to shake to the rhythm of the words.

"Secure our weapons. We are too heavily armed for this. You want her to live don't you?" Jake said, his voice oddly calmer than it should be after learning that she had shot his friend, her brother. She shot him in the head, blasting his brains to join his blood all around them.

"On it, understood," Starbuck answered, but he didn't move from the room, shouting to Jolly to gather up their weapons.

"Have him bring me my med kit," Jake said, reaching for her. "It's okay. We know. I know. You didn't have a choice. It's okay."

She found her voice, shouting, "It's my fault! I shot him and I…I should have…he should have been on the Galactica, and I should have…" She couldn't finish as sobs wracked her body, stealing her breath away, coming hard and fast with not enough air for her lungs.

"Slow down. Come on, deep breath. Come on."

She tried, but the room faded around her, and all she saw was Ari's blood, covering the walls and the floor. Her ears flooded with the sound of his ragged breathing, the panicked look in his eyes.

She felt hands on her face, turning her to look at him, but it wasn't Jake, it was Starbuck. He stroked her cheek, talking soft and sweet. "Come on pretty lady, look me in the eye, that's it. Take a breath with me, that's it, beautiful. And another."

Once her lungs had enough air, she said it again, "I shot him." She tried to pull away in shame, but he held on, reaching for her shoulder, while his hand remained cupping her face.

"I know. I was there. It was my fault, not yours. I set off the charges. Not you. You ended his misery. He was in pain. You did him a favor and he didn't die alone. It's not your fault, you hear me?"

She shivered, mumbling, "I shot him."

"And if you hadn't, I would have. You had no other choice. It was not your fault." His hold on her face softened, as his fingers stroked her cheek. "I should have told you when I realized you didn't remember. It was my fault, Rene. Not yours. I burst into the room, and it set off the charges. You tried to save him and when you realized how far gone he was and how much he was suffering, you ended his misery. It was," he paused, his eyes so sad. "It was my fault."

Jake came up to her other side, a hypo in his hand.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Starbuck asked. "Salik said I should bring her back if she…We should call Salik."

Starbuck's hand reached to stop Jake, and Rene pulled away from the two of them, but there was nowhere to go. She was backed into a corner, nothing to do but face the reality of what she had done.

" I want my blaster." She shot her hand out, knocking the hypo from Jake's hand.

"That's not happening sweetheart, not on my watch," Starbuck answered. She tried to move away, but his hold was strong. "Easy there. You're okay. Today we are living the good life with a battlestar to protect us, and all the kids here. You just need to take some deep breaths. Count with me, one, two…"

She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't look into his sincere eyes. The hero of the fleet, and she had…she mumbled again, "I shot him in the head."

He stroked her cheek again. "Come on, look at me." Starbuck gripped her chin, and she opened her eyes. He was nose to nose with her, gazing deeply into her eyes. "It was my fault. Not yours."

She tried to shake her head no, but his grip was too tight. "No Rene, it was a fraked up situation and you did everything right. Dante laid the charges, I triggered them. You didn't kill him, Dante did. I triggered it, not you. He was dying Rene. Nothing could have changed that. You ended his agony."

The breath she was holding came out in a shudder and she took a ragged breath. She tried to speak, but he cut her off. "That's it. Now take another one. Nice and slow."

Her lungs wanted to comply, but she shook her head no again.

Jolly's voice called out, "Starbuck, Gage is here."

Starbuck's eyes remained fixed on hers as he sucked in a deep breath. Her body followed; her lungs starved for the air.

"Starbuck?" Jolly stuck his head in the turbo. "Gage is here. You're needed on the bridge."

"Now? Are you kidding me? No. Tell them I'm busy here."

Looking past his shoulder, the doorway to the small turbo was filled with too many uniforms as Jolly poked his head in, followed by Gage.

"Captain, you're needed," Gage said, turning towards Jake. "What's wrong?"

"I'm needed here!" Starbuck shouted, but Gage had his focus on Jake.

"She woke up scrambled. Something about her killing her brother," Jake answered, before asking his own question. "What's happened? The Klaxon isn't ringing."

"The Shiva has made contact with ships on the edge of our scanner range. We don't think it's Cylon. We think we found Civilian ships. We need to check it out." Gage shifted his focus to Starbuck. "You're needed. Now Captain. Duty first."

"No! I've got a situation here that is more important!"

Jake kneeled beside them, reaching for Starbuck's arm. "I've got this big brother. She's just scrambled. Nothing I haven't dealt with before and you've taught me a thing or two. You need to go. We'll be here waiting."

Rene missed what Jake must have said with his eyes and his other hand. Starbuck's hand was to her cheek as he reiterated again that she held no blame in Ari's death, nodding to his insistent command of "You got that? Not your fault!"

And then he was gone, and it was how it always had been, her and Jake alone, dealing with the realities of a fraked up life. She tried not to cry. It didn't bring him back, Ari or Starbuck. It didn't change what had happened, but Jake was right, if she didn't cry, she held it in too tight and her body made it come out along with every meal she had eaten in her lifetime. And her guts ached right now, the babies doing somersaults didn't help, making her even more queasy.

Jake knew to give her space and time. He imitated Starbuck's technique of just having her concentrate on taking breaths, "Just breathe. Nothing to do, nothing else matters, just breathe." But he added his own Sewer Rat twist, beginning to hum a fabulon four song in time to take breaths. She wasn't sure how long they did that, only that now she was more aware of the cold turbo floor and the sounds of Jolly in the other room talking to Kiff and Kalea's sweet sad cries.

"Better?" Jake asked and she nodded. He turned away, looking for the hypo she'd knocked away, putting it in his med kit before loading up a different one instead. "A little nausea meds and something to smooth out the emotions," he said to her, and she didn't knock this one away, knowing he'd give her what the moment needed. It worked almost instantly, and she was suddenly ravenously hungry. He stood reaching for a towel on the rack to the turbo, heading to the other room to do what she normally did herself, clean up the mess she made. He came back with a uniform in his hand, a tunic more than a few sizes larger than she normally wore and the pants she'd modified with the extra stretch panel for her growing size.

"Something's up. Not sure what, but you can get on the bridge easier than I can. Adama has a soft spot for you. Use that."

He helped her up and into the uniform as she mumbled to him, "I'm sorry. I shot him."

"I know. And I told you on Dilmun, he should have died on Caprica. He should have died in the sewers. He should have died on our first launch. You bought him three more yahrens. Good or bad, I don't know, but you held on as hard as you could and…" He trailed off looking out of the door to Jolly who was rocking Leia in his arms, before turning back to her. "We have reasons to go on. More to hold onto. We need to survive and to believe something is better out there for them."

He sighed heavily from the effort to be optimistic. She appreciated that he was mimicking Starbuck, but it simply wasn't his nature, and she watched the shadow pass over his features. "It's tempting to give in, to just let the darkness win, I know," Jake murmured. "But it would break him. Not sure any of us want to see that."

Jake didn't need to explain who he meant. She knew he was talking about their very own Warrior of the Centaur. She knew him better than Jake. Breaking Starbuck would be like breaking open a supernova, spilling out a star devouring black hole. No one would survive that furious destructive force.