Title: Diorama
Author: Sariyuki
Date: 9 December 2004
Disclaimer: Minekura Kazuya owns my soul, while I own nobody's or/and nothing.
Notes: Done for the Interlude Secret Santa Project, 2004.
Additional notes: Diorama is an awesome music album by Silverchair. It means a world within a world. Well, have an angsty Christmas. Or a happy one. Whichever is your fancy. Cheers!
-.-.-.-
Sanzo counted and dreamt it a thousand times.
The dream was always the same. The morning sun was rising, shining immaculately behind the smiling figure of Hakkai as the man was standing in the middle of the temple door. He couldn't catch the words those lips spoken but he understood it somehow. It was nothing but goodbye.
The silhouette that was alternated by the play of sunlight, fell by the door, framing loneliness without a sound. Then even the shadow followed its owner and suddenly no one was there. Silence had never sounded so loud. So this was goodbye.
Sanzo opened his eyes with a start.
Instinctively he reached out. When his hand touched the rising and falling chest of the source of his sleeplessness, he sighed involuntary. How many times had he had this? Sanzo got up, trying to take a better look at the clock on the far wall. It was a few minutes past three but he might as well give up on sleeping now. The dream had stolen his slumber. It was always the same.
Sanzo walked out of the room. It was still too dark. Lounging against a convenient wall he lit up a cigarette. The first of the day was always the most satisfying but somehow he didn't feel anything right now, except perhaps for the numbness in his head. Or it was probably his heart.
Sanzo counted a month and a half.
So it had been that long since the completion of their mission, a month and a half since Hakkai moved into the monastery with him. Everything seemed to be in perfect order. Even if the name that Hakkai uttered in his sleep wasn't always his...
It went without saying that he was fully aware of the man's past. Even so, it was always painful to hear someone else's name whispered so close to his ear when he was on the verge of sleep. Even when he knew the name's owner had gone beyond return. Great, he thought sourly. He had found a replacement for his old nightmare.
Sanzo knew that Hakkai wasn't even aware of any of this. Part of him tried as hard as it could to keep the hurt away. Deep down inside, he knew his pride wouldn't allow him to be the second best. His dignity wouldn't bear to lose. Another part of him wondered why he even bothered and allowed himself to endure any of this.
Sanzo counted. And he was up to his third nicotine stick of the day.
As the smokes swirled and uncoiled before his eyes, his mind still wondered about the person currently fast asleep on his bed. He thought he had everything figured out. The dream that haunted his sleep had always been about his late master and that night when his master died. When did it become like this? This was stupid, he thought. His world wasn't going to fall apart the second time.
Finishing his cigarette, he started to walk slowly towards the gloom of a dawn. Each step he took he was sure of. He knew he was standing tall and the way was familiar. No one would see him fall for he had everything he needed. After the journey to the West, almost nothing could scare him off.
And yet...
And yet, he could feel the air beneath his feet even though he knew he was standing tall. As if he was trying to fly with the wings he didn't have. But that was crazy. He wasn't going to lose his mind over stupid matters. He wasn't going to lose anything.
Sanzo counted and knew he had got in too deep.
Nothing to it now, he thought. The non-attachment vow was broken and so he paid the price for it everyday. But the thing was that he couldn't care less about any vows, not right here, not right now. The thing was everything else didn't matter anymore ever since that day he fell into the closed universe of his gentle caress and evergreen smile.
And so it changed the world he was living now and it changed everyday as the smile he saw distorted from real to unreal, from the living to the dead. He could reach out and his hand would touch something warm and comforting but it might not be for long. What was he afraid of, exactly?
Suddenly he arrived at the temple doors.
The dawn had broken as the sun slowly made an appearance in the glumly sky, spreading its first rays of light on the face of the earth. He caught sight of the familiar back, walking away. Then he caught sight of dancing shadow that was following it, somehow more real than its owner. How did he get here? Sanzo's mind supplied the question while his whole body seemed to be frozen on the spot. And how long had he been walking and daydreaming? Images from the dream flew pass before him. But this wasn't a dream.
As if on cue, Hakkai turned around and saw him. Sanzo stared.
Hakkai spoke with the freezing smile of a dead man.
"Let's call it a day, Sanzo."
Sanzo stared. No, he said inside his head, inside his eyes. This wasn't how it's supposed to go. This wasn't like anything he'd seen in his dream. No, he shouted furiously inside his mind.
"Let's call it a day, Sanzo."
He could run, yes, he could, and grab the man and beat him to the ground. He could ask, no, beg the man to stay. And he could say all those things inside that were never meant to be said. But Sanzo just stood there with the screaming inside his head, trying to replace the soundless sound of his heart dying and the echoes of those meaningless words he couldn't understand.
"Let's call it a day, Sanzo."
No, he said the hundredth time with his eyes only. This wasn't how it's supposed to end. This isn't a fucking mahjong game!
The shadows danced across the temple ground and vanished from sight like a forgotten summer dream. And Sanzo's mind snapped like a twig. Fuck, his world wasn't going to fall apart the second time. Just fuck that.
Then he ran. Passed the temple doors. Passed the outer courtyard. He ran and ran but no one was there. Hakkai had got a vehicle. Cursing some more, Sanzo ran towards the vast plain ahead, the screaming in his head hadn't quite died down.
He shouted the name to the sky, cursing both heaven and earth for the things that had happened and were happening. He shouted the name, tinged with vengeance and morose, back and forth, back and -
"Sanzo! Sanzo! Are you alright?"
Sanzo opened his eyes. His breathing was jagged and his head numb from - shouting? He grabbed Hakkai's shirt. "Don't you ever do that!"
Hakkai stared in confusion, "Do what exactly?"
Sanzo opened his mouth and hesitated. He scowled instead. "Waking me up in the middle of sleep. You know how I hate that."
"But you were asleep on your desk. And you were very agitated."
He said nothing.
"And I was worried."
Sanzo looked up and saw only the truth in those green eyes and it was simple.
"Let's call it a day, Sanzo."
His eyes went wide. "W-what?"
"Let's go somewhere or do something. You've been working too hard. It's not good for your health."
Sanzo counted to three to recollect his mind. Someone had messed up with his head. And that someone was his-stupid-self. He couldn't understand what he was so afraid of. Releasing his frown, he motioned Hakkai to come closer. Hakkai obliged him and leaned down.
He placed both of his hands on either side of Hakkai's face. His glare had no match in this world but Hakkai didn't even flinch. And then they kissed and the world stopped moving for the both of them. This was simple. This, Sanzo could understand. They kissed and that's all that mattered.
He pulled Hakkai closer by the shirt and began to undo the buttons.
"Sanzo," gasped Hakkai, breaking the kiss. "Shouldn't we go back to-"
"Shh," the last button was undone. Sanzo ran his fingers to caress the flawless skin of Hakkai's torso before he yanked the shirt away. "I want you now."
He'd never been patient before, and he wasn't about to start now.
Leaning forward, he claimed Hakkai's lips once again. A moment later, the floor of Sanzo's office was untidily covered by various items of clothing. Time passed quietly, unheeded. Only the sound of their skins brushed against each other and their ragged breathing filled the room.
It occurred to Sanzo later, that even if the ghost of the past was haunting their present, it shouldn't be able to change anything between them. Things that had happened would stay that way. And it was simple if he made it to. Of all people, he should know that the mind was the only place where the past could live. Sooner or later, it would forget. Or, maybe, choose not to remember.
Sanzo counted or tried to count the strands of dark coloured hair that fell graciously around the sleeping face of Hakkai. Somehow, the dream held no more fear to him. Even if the name whispered in his ear at night wasn't his, in the morning it would be.
He fell asleep and dreamt of the past.
-.-.-.-