Note: This story is one-shot. It is strictly comic relief... if you don't find it funny, I'm sorry, if you do...I think I'm sorry about that as well.

This story is for Tarra Bear and Missy, who I love, no matter what her hair color, therefore she may have Sesshomaru.

Also note that these are not my characters, although the wickedly weird sense of humor belongs solely to me.

Quick idea of what is going on- Harry listens to the funniest messages on his answering machine. (If you don't agree please review with a few requests, I'd be happy to add a message for you.)

The Answering Machine

Harry walked into the entrance hall of his three room home. "Ginny I'm home," he called into the kitchen, where he could hear various pots and pans clanging about.

"Hey Harry!" Ginny called in greeting, "Can you check the machine? I haven't had time yet." Harry chuckle to himself, he had a theory about Ginny and the "confounded muggle machine" and it didn't involve cream colored lingerie or warm cuddly feelings. Shaking the mental image he pushed the play button.

"You have 73 new messages," the monotone voice said, "Message One: "Harry Potter!" his aunt's voice screeched at him, "This is your aunt Petunia! What did you do to my Diddykins?!"" The sound of the phone being dropped and the machine cut off. Harry chuckled again. Ginny groaned from the kitchen.

"Harry!" she admonished, "you didn't!" Harry just laughed louder at the sound of more pots and pans. Harry was grinning like a kid who had just found his father's stash of porn.

"Message Two," the machine began, "Boy!" this time it was his uncle's voice yelling across the great distance, "Harry what did you do to my son?! Your aunt's in a right fit. Dudley's floating whispers angrily the neighbors are staring!"" The answering machine cut off again. Harry could just imagine the vein in his uncle's forehead popping. Harry listened to sixty some other messages from his relatives, laughing. In a few hours the ministry would show up and fix Dudley, then memory charm them into silent, bliss normalcy. No one would remember that Harry had charmed his cousin to swell with every dirty thought that passed through the man's head, until he was so filled with...well Helium... Harry snickered at the thought that the large boy had begun to float.

"Message sixty-five, "Harry!" Hermione sobbed hysterically into the phone, "I think Ron's cheating on meeeeeee! He's so distanttttt!... I sob think sob he's sob cheating sob with Malfoyyyyyyy!" Then Hermione mumbled something quite unintelligible into the phone and hung up.

Harry sighed; Ron wasn't cheating on Hermione...that he knew of... Maybe I should do some super sleuthing, Harry thought to himself. There were a few more messages from his uncle, which he promptly skipped over.

"Message seventy-two, "Hello..."

"Harry mate," the twins' voices erupted from the machine, "Are you sure you won't sell us your cousin?"

"We'd give him a nice big cage with a water bottle and..."

"An exercise wheel, and some food pellets," Fred finished.

Harry sighed and said to himself, "That's how you take care of a hamster, you guys."

"Message seventy-three," the machine toned, "Harry Potter, I will get you. I will slit your throat and play with your entrails, I will..." Voldermort's voice droned on.

"Master, what are you doing" Peter Pettigrew's voice demanded from the other end of the line.

"Shhh, I'm sneak attacking Harry Potter, you hear that Potter? I'm going to get you tomorrow at three o'clock!"

"What did I tell you about using the phone?" Pettigrew asked patiently as if he were reprimanding a child for eating a cookie before dinner. There was the sound of a slight scuffle and Peter said, "Further more, what did I tell you about crossing the ocean?"

"Crossing the ocean would be bad," said Voldermort obediently, "Because President Bush would think of it as a terrorist attack."

"That's right," Peter said happily. Before the phone was hung up Harry heard Pettigrew mutter "poor old codger, he really is getting senile in his old age.""

Harry laughed, he laughed so hard he had to sit down, just to discover he needed to keep moving. So he went into the kitchen to kiss Ginny.

He heard the phone ring and let the machine pick it up. As he deepened the kiss he could vaguely hear Ron's voice in the background.

"Harrrrrrryyyyyyyyy! I think Hermione's having an affairrrrrr!" his carrot topped friend wailed..."With Malfoy."

a/n: there it is a little ron, a little hermione, some fred and george and a happy ending insert trademark ti-he