Disclaimer: Neither Gundam Wing, nor the Christmas Carol are mine. We got a bit inspired and just felt the need to do these. Some of them are a bit…odd.
You were warned.
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"Useless man."
"That's not what I've heard. Rumor has it he's quite flexible." Zechs drawled. Quatre frowned.
"Rumor? Rumor? And how would rumor know? RASHID! Track the source of that rumor down now! And KILL it!"
"It's the line Quatre- relax!" Trowa yelled back.
"Oookay. I now know WAY more than I needed to." Zechs grinned. "So what are the two of you doing later?"
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"Really uncle, how you and my mother ever came out of the same test tube I will never know. I can't believe that someone like you is related to someone like me." Zechs sniffed. "You aren't a bit like anyone else in our family, uncle."
"Well, thank gods for that. I don't want to wear pink and chase after Heero. Or worse yet, wear a mask and fantasize about my mobile suit!"
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There was another stir outside and a knock at the door. "If that's one more person asking for money…" Quatre got to his feet and headed for the door before Barton managed to uncurl his freezing form from his seat.
Quatre flung open the door. Three ladies stood there, dark choir books in hand. They began to sing:
"Christmas, Christmas time is here, time for joy and time for cheer…"
Quatre slammed the door in their faces.
"Kenzie, you're a bit flat," Rose commented.
"FLAT?" Kenzie took a deep breath. "I can assure you that no one has ever thought I was flat!"
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Quatre blinked at his fireplace. Well, there was something he hadn't seen before.
"Quit acting so goddamned jaded! There are lots of things you haven't seen before!" A familiar voice snapped. An even more familiar looking head popped out of the flames.
"Rashid?" Quatre choked. "What are you doing in the fireplace?"
"Some... argh!" The ghost squirmed. "You cheap bastard! I'm stuck! You could've bought a bigger fireplace."
"Ah, but a cheaper one means that I came out a head."
"ARGH!" The ghost vanished.
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Quatre blinked at his fireplace. Well, there was something he hadn't seen before.
"Quit acting so goddamned jaded! There are lots of things you haven't seen before!" A familiar voice snapped. An even more familiar looking head popped out of the flames.
"Rashid?" Quatre choked. "What are you doing in the fireplace?"
"Sweeping it obviously!" Rashid broke into song. "Chim chimney, chim chimney chim chim cheree, a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be."
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The flame turned an eerie blue. Quatre blinked at his fireplace.
"All out for Diagon Alley!" A red headed boy popped out of the fireplace. "Oops! Wrong part of London! Terribly sorry!"
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Quatre closed his eyes and told himself firmly to go to sleep. This was all just a bad dream anyway. Might as well get some rest during it. He fell asleep.
WOOSH! Quatre blinked.
WOOSH! That wasn't the right sound effect. Quatre slid out of the bed. At the foot of the bed was a furious Wufei, swinging his wooden sword in the air.
"Aren't you supposed to hit the bed with it?"
"I can't get it to materialize properly!" WOOSH "Damn it!"
"So, you're having trouble getting it hard? I never suspected that about you Fei."
"Winner!"
"Dad always said that if you played with it too much you'd have that problem, I just never believed him." Quatre grinned. "Rashid had that problem too. You should try his doctor..."
"Winner! Once this thing is solid I am going to shove it straight up..."
"Chang!" Trowa stepped out of the shadows. "He's mine! Hands off!"
"You aren't in this scene!"
"Doesn't mean I'm not watching. Hands off that part of his anatomy Chang- or else!"
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"Exactly! It is dishonorable…Wait a moment," the large sword swung down in front of Quatre's face. "I meant this sword!"
"You mean this stick."
"It's a sword!"
"It's a stick!"
"It's a sword!"
"It's a stick!"
"It's a sword!"
"It's a sword!" Quatre smirked.
"It's a stick!" Fei insisted
"Sword!" Quatre snapped.
"Stick!" Fei snarled.
"Okay, fine. It's a stick." Quatre waved his hand in the air.
"That's right! Hey..." Fei stopped. "No more cartoons for you!"
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"Some miserable bastard is buying out the circus." The younger Barton looked sad for a moment. "My sisters and I have to find someplace new to live, and find regular jobs."
"I'll help you if I can." Barton laughed and tousled Quatre's hair.
"Thanks. Come help me feed the lions? They need their dinner." Quatre paused.
"That's not some kind of creepy code that means that you're going to feed me to the lions, is it?"
"Not unless you call me Leo," Trowa smirked.
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"Have you discovered the true meaning of Christmas?"
"Does it involve chains, farm animals and the color pink?" The spirit shook his head.
"No, I don't think so. But it sounds like you'd be a fun guy to invite over some night. Feel like a threesome?"
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"Have you ever noticed that everything seems better at Christmastime?"
"Uh no." Quatre frowned. "In fact I though that people got more depressed around the holidays."
CRACK!
"Ooo! Hit me again baby!"
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The front door opened and Trowa came in, a tiny boy with a crutch on his shoulder. He set the boy down and was immediately set upon by his sisters.
"TROWA!" They slammed him back against the door with the force of their collective embrace.
"Lucky guy," the ghost commented. "Are they really all his sisters?"
"I think so," Quatre replied. "He has four dependents listed on his tax form."
"Oof!" Trowa hugged them as the tiny boy made his way to the table. "It's good to see you too, sisters. Is dinner nearly ready? I'm going to need some serious energy if I want to please all of you tonight. Unless Tiny Trieze feels like helping out for a change...."
"I've got plans tonight!" Trieze snapped.
"And what plans are those?"
"The same plans I have every night! I'm going to take over the world!"
The girls break out into song:
"To prove his tiny worth, he'll overthrow the Earth. He thinkies, he's dinkies, it's tiny Trieze, Trieze, Trieze…"
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"Sister! It's Christmas!" Trowa protested.
"Well, I suppose on the blessed day of Christmas I can raise my glass to Mr. Winner. Even if he is sexy."
"And an animal in bed!" Chimed in Clarrisa.
"And into S&M!" Added Carrie.
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The bell tolled three.
Out of the darkness at the foot of his bed, an eerie blue light began to glow. It outlined a figure standing there. The ghost wore a long black trench coat that stayed still as the spectral wind howled around the room. The face was in shadow, but two chilling blue eyes were visible, glowing faintly.
Quatre found himself hugging his headboard. He pulled himself together. "Sheesh Heero, did they have a sale on leather trench coats?"
"Shh! No one can be told what the sale price is."
"Ah, I see. You bought it without telling Duo. He's going to kick your ass." Quatre paused. "Unless you bought him one too."
"Actually, I picked him up this leather strap set."
"Really? How many did they have left? I haven't bought Trowa his Christmas gift yet."
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The bell tolled three.
Out of the darkness at the foot of his bed, an eerie blue light began to glow. It outlined a figure standing there. The ghost wore a long black trench coat that stayed still as the spectral wind howled around the room. The face was in shadow, but two chilling blue eyes were visible, glowing faintly.
The spirit spoke:
"My name is VASH THE STAMPEDE! And it is time for my daily massacre!"
Quatre shook his head. "Please, the coat color is all wrong."
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I take it back. I'm freaked out.
Good.
Wait! Why does he have Vash's gun?
It's big and scary looking.
Does Vash know you borrowed it?
No, and no one is going to tell him either. Unless you want me to turn you over to Relena! And you know what she does with hamsters!
No- what does she do?
The rabbit leaned up and whispered fiercely for a moment.
EEW! That's just disgusting! I'm never going in one of those tubes again!
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Quatre found himself looking down the barrel of a large silver gun.
"That's a big gun. Do you have issues with your masculinity?"
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"Uh. Not that he wasn't good at his job. Really. I'm convinced. I'll stop being a miserable bastard..." Quatre babbled.
BANG!
"OUCH!!! Damn it Heero, I'm bleeding! What kind of bullets are you using?"
"The wrong kind apparently. Oops."
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BANG!
"OUCH! Why are you doing that?!"
"Get up."
"You could've just asked."
"Nah, It's way more fun to shoot you instead."
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BANG!
The world exploded again.
"Damn it! Take the phrase as a compliment! Psychopath!"
"Aw, you say the sweetest things."
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BANG! BANG! BANG!
"OUCH! And you call yourself a hero?"
"Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun."
"Groovy."
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"Not really Miss Une. No porn, no jewelry, no special toys. Just these." The girl tossed a bundle of blankets on the counter. The shopkeeper ran a hand over the blankets, her glasses glinting.
"Why Hilde, they're still warm. I don't pay extra for that you know! And what about these strange stains?"
"He really was a lonely man."
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"I have worse news girls." Trowa said. "Mr. Winner is dead."
Cathy sat up and dried her tears. "Ding dong the Winner's dead. Which old Winner? The wicked Winner! Ding dong the wicked Winner's dead!"
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"Oh no." The ghost's smile grew. "You'll spend eternity with this..." The grave gaped and Quatre fell into blackness.
But then... a vision appeared.
"Hey, want me to make you a balloon animal?"
"CLLLLOOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNNNSSSSSS! NOT CLOWNS! NOOOOOO!"
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"Oh no." The ghost's smile grew. "You'll spend eternity with this..." The grave gaped and Quatre fell into blackness.
But then... a vision appeared. A vision with scary eyebrows.
"Quatre my love! Feel like helping me out with a DxQ fic?"
"Not Dorothy! Anyone but Dorothy!"
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He found himself quivering at the feet of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
"Not that! Not that! Please no! I'll be good! I promise! I'll throw away all my whips and chains! I won't make Trowa sleep in the doghouse anymore! I'll buy Trieze that death ray he's been bugging me about! And I won't call Rashid Fido ever again! Anything if it will save me from THAT!!!!"
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The barrel of the silver gun touched Quatre right between the eyes.
"Good boy," the ghost purred. "What a good Quatre! Good boy! Want a nice pair of goggles?"
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He jumped out of bed and ran to the window, flinging it open, and falling out of it.
"OH SHIIIIIT!"
Kenzie looked at Rose. "Was that supposed to happen?"
"I don't know, but I'm giving him a 10 out of 10 for that beautiful swan dive!"
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He jumped out of bed and ran to the window, flinging it open. Down below on the street corner was a small group of women. They looked vaguely familiar.
"Excuse me ladies!" He called down to them.
"Yes?" One of them replied looking up. "We're here caroling by the way- nothing else! If you're interested in negotiable affection you'll have to call on Mrs. Palm!"
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He stopped outside the door and straightened himself up. Then he hammered on the door. "TROWA BARTON!"
Tiny Trieze flung open the door. "Lord Winnerous! Tis me, Darth Triezius! Teach me the way of the dark side!"
"Yes, my young padawan. I can see that the force is strong in you."
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"Well, I want you, especially, but I realize that you come as a package deal." Quatre smiled. "Though I draw the line at sharing the bedroom with them."
Trowa sat down on the floor. "What... what happened? Why now?"
Quatre sat down next to him. "Does it matter? Just say you'll stay here with me and be my personal love monkey."
"Oh, my sweet little hot cross bun, I will happily swing from your rafters."
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And at the end of the table, a tiny boy, who lifted his glass and declared:
"You will bow before me, everyone! I'm serious! Get bowing right now! Do I need to use this cane on you!"
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"Let me demonstrate...." Future smirked and pulled Present to him.
"Wow, Heero is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
"Damn it, I need to get that gun back to Vash!"
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A small sign pops out of the hat one last time.
Next year we are sticking with Rudolph!
Yeah, and with the G boys doing it who knows what's going to end up glowing?